AIBU to expect hubby to come yo bed at same time at least 4 nights of the week?

[ilovecakeandbiscuits]

We have been together for almost 10 years, married for 5. And for the last 5 years or so we go to bed at seperate times. I usually go to be between 9.30pm and 10pm on week days and get up around 7am or when the kids wake.

Hubby goes to bed between 10 and 11pm and gets up 6.20am on week days.

I feel we are drifting apart and have asked him to come to bed at same time at least 4 4 nights a week but he refuses and will only come to bed if he thinks he will get some action.

I miss the closeness and communication that we use to have from just going to bed at same time - we use to spend half hour before going to sleep just chatting and cuddling (and often dtd)

It always ends up with an argument when i ask him to come to bed.

Do you think i am being unreasonable in asking him to join me?

@KondosSecretJunkRoom we really dont have any space to put one... one wall is taken up with built in wardrobe, one has large window, one has door and the other is where our bed is ( prob not gonna get a good view of ot being above your head lol)

@eatsleephockeyrepeat
It is the "pre-sleep activity" that i miss.

Have suggested that in the past but he always says no as when he has tried it he says he is too tired to get back up.

( prob not gonna get a good view of ot being above your head lol)

Fair enough, that's never going to work then (unless you go bold and hang it from the ceiling like on a coach trip circa 1990)

when he has tried it he says he is too tired to get back up

Well that's just ludicrous, in that case he can come to bed!!

...sounds awfully like he's making excuses, OP. Are there any times when he goes out of his way to spend time with you, make you happy or do something you want to do? Or is he stuck to his tablet every spare second he gets? Sounds like he needs to reprioritise and put his relationship a little closer to the top or he's going to have one very miserable wife very quickly; and everyone knows what happens when a miserable wife takes to MN... LTB!!!

I saw the title and thought this was going to be you complaining that he's staying up 'till the early hours and sleeping in late and ducking out of childcare and expecting you to do all the early mornings, etc.

Sorry but YABU.

You used to go to bed together, I'm guessing it's now that you are going earlier rather than he's staying up later?

And even if it is that he's staying up later, he's an adult and he gets to decide that he can do that.

If he announced he'd quite like you to get up with him at 6.20am at least four mornings a week to chat to him while he's getting ready for work, would you do it?

YABVU simply because you use that awful word "hubby".

Yabvu - who the hell wants to go to bed at 9.30? With all due respect, don't be bloody daft!

And please folks, don't start with the 'hubby' bashing again - it's so boring and sheep-like.

Chatting and cuddling can be done anywhere, I don't think him going to bed later than you is what is stopping this from happening, and expecting him to go to bed at 9.30 four nights a week is a bit unreasonable. You're not unreasonable wanting that closeness and intimacy back though. From what you've said it doesn't sound like he wants that, he will be close to you when he wants sex, but won't have you near him the rest of the time? That would hurt me too, especially as you sound like you've been huggy and kiss in the past. He needs to want to get it back too though.

It's not really to do with bedtimes though is it? You've got two very young kids and feel a little alone and possibly missing the basic affection?

He comes home from work and has got in to the rut of looking at the tablet or TV? You want to chat and such like but he's to busy with the screens.

Of course he doesn't want to go to bed at 9.30 but you don't want to be stuck on a sofa whilst he watches a screen, therefore you drift off.

Can you not go out together during the week? Get someone to look after the kids? Can you not go out with your mates if he has the kids?

He has his interests and you're allowed yours too, because at the moment you seem like the couple that have said everything to each other and have nothing new to chat about.

I've only read some of the responses.

I'm the 'stayer-upper' in our relationship. I would say it depends on how the other person approaches the subject. If I feel like I'm getting told off for staying up - I get annoyed. If my husband gives me a cuddle, say, before dinner and kindly asks if we could go to bed early then I will generally get into bed early with him.

He comes home from work and has got in to the rut of looking at the tablet or TV?
Sometimes I do wonder whether life wouldn't be better if we didn't have all of these digital devices like phones and tablets???

OK they have their uses but they are eroding actual social and human interaction so much.

@FerretFred we dont really have many friends in the area and no family to help out. We have tried several people on childcare.co.uk but have been let down each time. We have another bookef in for friday wk but am not holding out much hope from previous experience -we'll see.

But even then the most we could afford if is a few hrs once a month. Thats why we tried the date night at home.. easy meal with music etc but as soon as the meal was finished he was like lets watch tv etc where i was quite happy to sit and chat. I did even try to be really obvious about dtd but he wasnt interested.

Do you think my marriage is over or nearly over? A lot of people saying that maybe there is other issues etc... he always use to be the lets go to bed together type til we got married. And that was never later than 10pm.!

I'm a guy so you might not think my thoughts relevant, but I would say you're far from over. He just needs to give his head a bit of a wobble!

I'm just on the train station run so will reply fully in a little!!

its not exactly about the bedtimes is it? its the lack of affection and lack of effort. its a really hard time when kids are young, but easy to drift apart. I dont know how to make him listen when you tell him it is important to spend time together, but I hope he listens. dont focus on the bedtimes though
my dh was like this but in his case he was watching porn after I went to bed. it didnt really help our relationship :(

Could you start with 1 date night a week? And clearly explain that you'd like it to be your time to bond - no tv, games etc - just you two. Or you could have dinner and then watch a film together - you'd get to chat over dinner and dh could have a non chat time during the film. I'd suggest agreeing the evening in advance.

OP I could have written this. I need loads more sleep than DH (thanks to autoimmune diseases) and am sometimes asleep by 7pm! He does his own thing til he's tired.

Some nights we watch something while in the bed and have cuddles/closeness, then I fall asleep when I'm ready and he sneaks off. Could something like that work for you?

He doesn't want to talk to you, you are bored, he looks st his phone etc rather than talk to you, he's not interested in sex? I don't think bedtimes will fix this. A lot of talking using non blame language, counselling? You sound lonely op

YABU about your solution being all on his side but I understand where you are coming from.

We have a similar disparity in bedtimes post-DC. I almost always head to bed earlier and DH just can't get to sleep so it would be I air to make him.

You do know he could come to bed with you for cuddling etc then just let him get back up again? Works for us

Or given that your bedtimes aren't that far apart couldn't you meet in the middle or do 2 earlier nights 2 later nights as a compromise?

My parents are a bit like you and DH, OP. She wants him to sit in the garden and drink tea and chat when the weather is fine. He hates the outdoors as he is milk-bottle pale. And he has no interest in her incessant chat. He often sleeps in the afternoon and stays up late while she prefers to go to bed early.

I'm not sure that you're a very compatible couple. (Of course, we're just getting a snapshot of your relationship) I think true intimacy comes from both of you wanting to be together, not out of a feeling of obligation, and having a common activity. You're very clear on what you want out of the evening but what about a bit of compromise? You seem quite needy (sitting too close to him) and in truth I can't imagine going to bed "for a chat" or for a big production to be made of date night dinner. It seems really contrived.

You seem very dependent on him. Do you have a hobby that gets you out of the house of an evening? If he's just going to be sat there watching telly anyway, you can do a class or join a club. It's not healthy to be only in each other's company every evening, all evening. And if you want to spend time with him, pick something you both enjoy (maybe with the DCs) and do it together at the weekend.

We do " 3 positives 2 negatives" to summarise our day to each other haha. He comes to bed and we lay down and chat for 10 minutes or so to keep in touch with each other s lives but then he or I go back downstairs if we aren't ready to sleep. Is quite cheesy but works for us!

My partner tried pulling the 'I wake up when you come to bed if you're later than me' number but stopped smartish when I suggested I sleep on the sofa downstairs.

And I would hate to have to trail upstairs behind him and have a cuddle or tuck him in before schlepping back downstairs. I might as well go to bed, resentfully.

We have chats on sofa too if not already upstairs. Usually end up there as little one goes to bed late and then potter about with washing and such fub

I think talk of incompatiblility is somewhat premature! You're possibly both in a rut.

I'm now a stay at home dad (due to consultants deciding I'm 'life limited!' and work retiring me because of it) and realise actually that I don't contribute as much to conversation as I used to as my horizons are an awful lot smaller.

I think you need to find out who you are again. Find a life outside the house and make new friends (and trust me I know how hard it is!). I started a degree through the OU and have met people through that.

If he wants to sit and read his tablet he can be there for the kids whilst you go out to evening classes or such like. Just because he wants to be boring you don't have to be!

I think the bedtime is a bit of a red herring. He isn't connecting to you in other ways. It's pretty sad that qhen uou set a night aside he wants to watch videos and isn't interested in talking.

Re. Babysitting...rather than using random sitters have uou tried posting on your local Facebook groups fr your area. You will find someone local who can come with recommendations.

It does sound like things are not great. I think you need to focus on getting out and down to the pub and just talking. And see how it goes after that.

I agree with waterrat, now's a good time to try and reconnect.

You don't have to date in the evening by the way; me and dp have taken odd days off work to spend getting it on together whilst ds is at nursery, and even got an afternoon sitter on a Saturday to have a few drinks together just because that's all we could get! Are there any options?

Does he want to spend more time together?