To view my Son as work

[emmeline25]

I love my Son more than anything and when I'm with him I enjoy being his Mum. I make sure to spend quality time with him when we are together, I do everything I can for him and I do love him very much and enjoy him being in my life, or course I do. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression when he was 9 months old and found it very hard to cope. I was offered counselling and felt a lot better. I no longer have postnatal depression but I'm not sure if what I feel is normal.

I am not with my Son's Dad anymore but he is a great Dad and he has him 3 days of the week. He has him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I have him back Sunday morning. I work Tuesday-Friday until 6pm and have all day with him Monday until his Dad picks him up Thursday at 3pm. I also have him quite a bit at weekends here and there and do get lots of quality time with him.

I look forward to him going to his Dad's and would be lying if I said I missed him when he's away. I know that sounds awful. On Sunday I feel really down as I know I'm getting him back. I love my Son but don't love looking after him. It's the same feeling I used to get on a Sunday night realising it's work tomorrow. I view my Son as work because although he's a good boy, he is still work. I've got to bath him, make him food/dress him/read him books/play with him. It's quite intensive. I much prefer being on my own if I'm honest. I never appreciated not being responsible for anyone until I had a child.

There's many aspects of parenting I love. He comes into my bed every night and I wake up to him asleep cuddling me. That's lovely, and his delight when it's bed time and time to read his favourite books. I love how enthusiastic he is to show me new things he's done. He's a truly lovely and very happy child. But deep down I do love being on my own with friends, and I view looking after my Son as a sort of 'work' and I'm really relieved when it's bed time and time for me to relax.

Is this normal, AIBU to think like this?

Mmm, I used to find paid employment much easier than being at home, and also adored my dd. But I think it is a bit harder for you, OP, because your son is away so much. I had no-one to share the childcare with so being a mother was my life, but when my dd was thirteen she was away for nearly five months and after that I found having to be at home so much very hard to handle.

Perhaps if OP feels like that, change the routine for when he comes home each week? Shake it up a bit so that 'back to work' feeling diminishes.

That's good advice. I find that a day out of the house feels much less like work, plus at the end of it you don't have a house trashed with Lego or whatever.

I love that clip Husky

Op, your son sounds very young and so hard work, but the great news is you will soon be able to involve him more in things that need to be done which can be the start of a lovely partnership.

Cooking together, chopping fruit, baking, making pancakes, vacuuming, tidying, doing the laundry, all these things can be done with a willing pair of little hands especially if it's included like a game in a fun part of your normal routine together and not used as reward/punishment.

So, it's all about how you go about it and there are lots of online suggestions on how to get your toddler helping out. Children love the responsibility of learning and doing more than they are credited for, so why not stop doing everything FOR him and exhausting yourself physically and mentally and instead do everything WITH him while he is with you.

Don't wait til he's gone to his dad's before the tidying and putting away, do it in a fun and jovial manner while he's there. And there is nothing wrong with the carrot on the stick approach: let's tidy up here first before we watch tv, or let's do the washing up before we go to the park.

Children get a good sense of what needs doing early on, develop good habits and become kind and thoughtful as a result.

And they love achieving, even little things they can do themselves can be a source of celebration.

I am sure your enjoyment of your son will improve if you try this approach op, good luck!

But be warned, doing things with a child takes forever. I'd rather just do it when they're in bed or out.

I have 2 kids and when the oldest was little, up to about 2, I felt like you do. Then as he got older and needed carrying around less, was more independent and I could talk to him, I started to enjoy him. Now I've got another 1 year old and I find looking after him such hard work. He's wonderful but I've come to the conclusion that I don't enjoy babyhood. It's the intense dependancy that I find difficult.
So I'm relieved to see that these are common feelings!

You're not alone.

My teen and pre-teens were away for 2 months early this year and I didn't miss them at all.

We only spoke once every couple of weeks; but I knew they were safe and I enjoyed the break, as the eldest can be very challenging. I also like to think I've brought them up to be independent.

Now and then I thought: "oh! DC would love that!" Then remembered that they weren't there to share it with; but on the whole, I really enjoyed the break from the mess, dramas, etc.

I've been living away from them since September and although I see them a couple of times a week and enjoy seeing them, I don't really miss them between times.

maybe this is an introvert/extrovert thing? i was always a big introvert (less so now after 6 years of having a v extrovert DD) and for a long time i just craved a bit of silence and alone time. i wouldn't say that i didn't miss her, because i did, but i still felt a sense of relief when she would go off to nursery or school or whatever. for me it was never black and white, for example the first time i sent her off to my mum's for the week i was so excited about having the time alone, but ended up going to pick her up after three days because i was bored and missed her (but still enjoyed the quiet!) so for me at least i would say... it's complicated. but not something to beat yourself up over, either way

I'm a single mum to a 10m old and people always feel sorry for me when I say I work full time. I feel sorry for the mums at home all day as I cannot stand it. Love him of course but couldn't do it day in, day out.

Normal, but I wonder if yoiuyr structure makes it more intensive for you - ie you have a couple of days of you time, which many people with young children dont, but then on Sunday you know you will have him for four solid days with no respite, whereas I can sneak off and faff on MN whilst DH is in charge

There was a good child development book I read (think it was Montessori) with advice that really struck a chord:

When children are ready to use the potty/clean their teeth use this period to turn other routines into habits (ie putting laundry in basket, tidying away one toy before getting out another, leaving shoes together, hanging up coat) so it has to be child friendly (low hooks etc).

If this is established early then habits become ingrained so that you don't spend your life nagging your child.

You do have to be consistent at this stage, polite but firm and never angry or bullying. As another poster said, doing things with young children is really slow at first but they quickly get the hang of things and there is nothing better than a beaming child who has managed to do things all by themselves.

Even a 5 y.o can get his bag ready for school and by 10 they can prepare meals and make cups of tea for their mum! I

I think the way you feel op is the way a lot of parents feel. It's like one long endless cycle of giving your time and attention to dc or housework or work or other errands that need doing. I think a lot of it is down to the parents temperament. I know I don't have a lot of patience for nonsense from kids and I am an introvert who is desperate for me time! I find it very difficult to just enjoy my dc without thinking of all the things that need doing, which of course will be never ending.

Having said that, I think as parents we make more work for ourselves and put pressure on ourselves to be the best and do the best for our kids ALL of the time. Compared to my parents generation who were probably quite hands off, and just let us get in with stuff, weren't worried about extra curricular activities etc I'm not saying what they did was perfect but they were not stressed out by us (although probably had other stresses going on in their lives, I. E. Financial.)

So I think there has been a shift in attitudes to parenting and expectations of us that make being a parent harder. But of course breaking away from those expectations is not easy.

Hope you feel better op