To view my Son as work

[emmeline25]

I love my Son more than anything and when I'm with him I enjoy being his Mum. I make sure to spend quality time with him when we are together, I do everything I can for him and I do love him very much and enjoy him being in my life, or course I do. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression when he was 9 months old and found it very hard to cope. I was offered counselling and felt a lot better. I no longer have postnatal depression but I'm not sure if what I feel is normal.

I am not with my Son's Dad anymore but he is a great Dad and he has him 3 days of the week. He has him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I have him back Sunday morning. I work Tuesday-Friday until 6pm and have all day with him Monday until his Dad picks him up Thursday at 3pm. I also have him quite a bit at weekends here and there and do get lots of quality time with him.

I look forward to him going to his Dad's and would be lying if I said I missed him when he's away. I know that sounds awful. On Sunday I feel really down as I know I'm getting him back. I love my Son but don't love looking after him. It's the same feeling I used to get on a Sunday night realising it's work tomorrow. I view my Son as work because although he's a good boy, he is still work. I've got to bath him, make him food/dress him/read him books/play with him. It's quite intensive. I much prefer being on my own if I'm honest. I never appreciated not being responsible for anyone until I had a child.

There's many aspects of parenting I love. He comes into my bed every night and I wake up to him asleep cuddling me. That's lovely, and his delight when it's bed time and time to read his favourite books. I love how enthusiastic he is to show me new things he's done. He's a truly lovely and very happy child. But deep down I do love being on my own with friends, and I view looking after my Son as a sort of 'work' and I'm really relieved when it's bed time and time for me to relax.

Is this normal, AIBU to think like this?

eyespydreams and user147
I already explained that by 24/7 I meant a situation of not sharing with an ex. I never meant I didn't have help, or DS didn't go to school or we were never apart! It's an entirely normal situation: school, sleepover, the full monty.
As to eyespy question, like I said I work at home. For the first year I worked when DS was napping during the day, and obviously not all the time, but that's the equivalent to a maternity leave. Then he started going to a nursery four hours a day and I worked during those hours and again during his nap and at night after he went to bed. Then he started school and I worked during school hours. I also work most holidays but as he got older he was good at finding ways to entertain himself and somehow it worked. I'm not working online or anything, I'm entirely on my own and even though it's distracting (like Mumsnet ) I kind of made it work.

When I do have my Son he is with me literally 24/7. I don't have any family to have him for me. So it's pretty intensive.

Oh op don't worry, I think everyone feels this way at some point. I have 4 children and try are the best children in the world but I get up at 5 in the morning (even though they all need to be woken at 7.30 on school days and on weekends they sleep late and they aren't even teens) just so I have time alone! my ideal day would be a day alone, when I drop my youngest (3) at nursery for 2 hours I practically run home to have some time alone with the cats

Try = they

Emmeline you are normal, your mistake was putting this in aibu!

There are many boring/demanding chores that are connected with motherhood. Try to spend more time on the things you enjoy doing with/for your son and less on the dull bits. Specialise and let other things go a bit! You don' t have to be perfect at everything. Be really good at the bits you enjoy (the cuddles especially). I liked the story-reading but found dressing/clothes-finding dull. My children were well-read self-dressers early in life and didn't seem to suffer. (Though I did have to explain about the missing knickers on one occasion in Reception)

OP I think in your original post you were being hard on yourself.
It's starting to sound like you're just adjusting to him being back on Sundays and then you love having him around. In a way, by experiencing the days alone, it's harder for you and if I were in your situation and got used to that on and off pattern, I would need a readjustment too!

Thank God it's normal! I was worried it was just me! I would love to go back to work full time (currently work 27 hours) but my dh makes me feel bad for mentioning it. Mine are 3 and 2 and such hard work.

YANBU. I'm like you OP, I love my kids to bits and we have lots of fun but given the option, if I'm completely honest, I usually much prefer being on my own (guilt!!). I found it hard going when mine were little especially with DS1 because it was such a huge adjustment to get used to losing my freedom. I used to envy my friend who had a situation like yours (a whole weekend alone with no kids, bliss!) But actually it probably makes it harder because there is such a contrast. As others have said, don't be too hard on yourself, your DS is happy and content so you're doing fine! And yes, it does get much easier as they get older (although I do look back fondly on those 7pm) bedtimes! Maybe think about what you enjoy doing most with him and make a point of planning that in when he's due to come back to you? Might make it feel more positive.

I'm not attacking you. I just think your choice of words flaws your argument.

Don't we all worry about being a good parent?

Don't we all need a break from our kids?

Don't we enjoy those brief breaks?

Don't we feel guilty about feeling that way?

Isn't parenting on your own hard? Even for a few days?

Isn't parenting without support hard?

Yes?

But because OP's child gets to see her friends, she can't complain.

I am a mum of 6 and to a certain extent I do see the children as "work" I don't expect to have that much time to relax or do my own thing during the day and I do look forward to time on my own or with dh. In fact we pay s nanny one evening a week so that we can go out and have a meal or see a film. I need that.

BUT I have to admit that I actually do miss them when i am not with them - I don't really dread days with them (obv I have bad days where I think ffs)

I'm probably way out of line with this and I'm not trying to be but do you think that seeing him only half the time might be breaking routines and actually making the days harder? I know that if I get out of sync and have lots of time away from the children the flow of our home is really interrupted .

If he was gone for a week I'm sure that would be different. But he's never been away for more than 3 days. So it's not long enough to miss him really. By the time I've tidied the house properly, cooked meals for the week and watched some tv it's over.

Very normal for most mum's at some point, OP.

Mine are older now at 9 and 5 and fairly low maintenance but I still crave time at home, on my own.

Dh is taking them to visit his family in a month or so and they'll be gone for an entire weekend. I'm beyond excited and have a plan in place of what I'm going to do.

It's not because we don't love our kids but they do make life that more difficult, practically speaking anyway.

I think it's normal to a certain extent. I find my children hard work and long for a few days off, but whenever it actually happens (rarely a few days but the odd weekend or day) I do actually miss them! I've never felt low about the thought of them coming home, but then I'm not a single parent which must be even harder work.

Noncommittal I thought I had already answered those questions on my first post. I'm sorry if I don't fit your idea of what a parent is or should be.
I'll say it again even if I get stoned to death:
Yes, I do worry about being a good parent.
No, I didn't need a break from my kid. But I had them.
No, I did not particularly enjoy those brief breaks.
No, I never felt guilty about anything because I don't have preconceived ideas of good and bad parenting. I did what made me happy.
Yes, parenting on your own is hard. Even for a few days.
Yes, parenting without support is hard. I never said it was easy. I just said I enjoyed even the hard side of it.
There. Kill me.

Apologies if anyone has suggested this already (have only skimmed the thread), but check out links on 'introverted parenting'

www.quietrev.com/surviving-as-an-introverted-mother/

This describes me very well. However, now the DCs are older (8 and 11), and are less constantly demanding, as well as loving them more than anything (as I always have) I miss them when we are apart for any length of time.

Holy hell, Mars.

I won't kill you. You're already a martyr.

I feel like this. I should say that I don't think I am massively in touch with my feelings (but that's hardly unusual!) I don't miss my twins during the day (they are in childcare FT) I am properly pleased I don't have to spend lots of time with them
Because it can be really annoying (taking an hour to walk 1/2 a mile, that sort of thing) and I also find I prefer to watch to, MN, read paper etc when I am in charge of them so they don't even get my full attention in the evenings bless them.

I think, that because we are both at work all day it's really hard to "unwind"- you just never get any time alone. It's not ideal but I think it's fairly normal. I think as they can amuse themselves it will become easier.

I do however, love things like going to plays with them, swimming lessons, ballet, soft play, playing in the woods, going on holiday etc- just the fun stuff. Makes sense I guess

I am another who agrees with everything you have written, except the missing them part. However hard work they can feel when I'm with them(and how much I delight in being on my own for a while), I always miss them, and look forward to seeing them(even after a few hours apart).

Taggie thanks for that article. I'm a complete introvert. If I'm around anyone for too long I need time in a dark room to 'recharge'. Unfortunately it's something which my husband believes is made up and just me excuse making so I will forward him this.

I can see that it could be different if I were a single parent though.

Having a child is the hardest I've worked in my entire life. He is sooo much work, he's extremely hyperactive, and a very fussy eater so my day is spent running after him either to feed him or to entertain him. Yesterday my body had a bit of a shutdown and the fatigue was so bad I had to spend the entire day in bed to recuperate while DH looked after him.
Despite all that I love him like crazy but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the time I get away from him once or twice a week when I go out with friends. I do miss him when he's away from me though. It's a really difficult thing to explain, you love them and yet you need that time to yourself too.

So don't feel bad about enjoying your time away from him. How old is he though? If he's a toddler then it makes a lot of sense as they are so much work!

I'm sure you will enjoy your DS more when he's older OP. Personally I find the loss of control, now mine are older, over what they wear/eat/do a bit miserable. And they just don't really need me so much physically because they can do all their laundry and make their own packed lunch. I guess we're all different!

I love dd, no question of it, but I never had any time off from her until she went to nursery at 2 1/2. Even then it was only a couple of mornings a week - and those were mornings I worked. Except for school, I was 'on duty' every waking moment until she was 6ish. I often envied my single friends as they at least got every other weekend off! (I am very aware that they had more difficult problems to deal with, and I was lucky in that respect.)

Yes, it's hard work for years, and then it isn't so much - instead you worry!

I went back to work full time when they were 2 weeks old and it worked really well. First of all you get that 30 minutes on a train reading without work or children around - a break and then at work you have that contrast from home with babies and toddlers. best balance.