To view my Son as work

[emmeline25]

I love my Son more than anything and when I'm with him I enjoy being his Mum. I make sure to spend quality time with him when we are together, I do everything I can for him and I do love him very much and enjoy him being in my life, or course I do. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression when he was 9 months old and found it very hard to cope. I was offered counselling and felt a lot better. I no longer have postnatal depression but I'm not sure if what I feel is normal.

I am not with my Son's Dad anymore but he is a great Dad and he has him 3 days of the week. He has him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I have him back Sunday morning. I work Tuesday-Friday until 6pm and have all day with him Monday until his Dad picks him up Thursday at 3pm. I also have him quite a bit at weekends here and there and do get lots of quality time with him.

I look forward to him going to his Dad's and would be lying if I said I missed him when he's away. I know that sounds awful. On Sunday I feel really down as I know I'm getting him back. I love my Son but don't love looking after him. It's the same feeling I used to get on a Sunday night realising it's work tomorrow. I view my Son as work because although he's a good boy, he is still work. I've got to bath him, make him food/dress him/read him books/play with him. It's quite intensive. I much prefer being on my own if I'm honest. I never appreciated not being responsible for anyone until I had a child.

There's many aspects of parenting I love. He comes into my bed every night and I wake up to him asleep cuddling me. That's lovely, and his delight when it's bed time and time to read his favourite books. I love how enthusiastic he is to show me new things he's done. He's a truly lovely and very happy child. But deep down I do love being on my own with friends, and I view looking after my Son as a sort of 'work' and I'm really relieved when it's bed time and time for me to relax.

Is this normal, AIBU to think like this?

"What's wrong with it is coming to boast about it on a thread where a mother is struggling with her own feelings."

This.

OP I have spent a large part of the last three years feeling pretty similar to you at times. It's very difficult when they're young and demanding. DS2 has been a lively toddler, always on the go - he's just now getting to the point where he will actually sit still and watch TV for any length of time (endless Peppa Motherfucking Pig but what the hell, sacrifices have to be made!).

I was just thinking last weekend, it feels as if we're turning a corner, in terms of things no longer being totally relentlessly demanding every second of the time he's awake. I have more capacity to actually enjoy their company now, rather than constantly spending 90% of my energy just meeting their needs.

Hang in there.

I'm not even a parent, so what do I know , but you obviously adore your son and make him sound like a gorgeous happy child.

It's OK to feel that you like time to yourself. I'm not very sociable and even get tired sometimes of living with DP – even though I love the bones of him – and long for just a weekend of pleasing only myself. And I know that's not at all comparable to being responsible for a child.

I don't think your son could be any more loved or secure going by what you've told us. Be kinder to yourself!

So you don't live like an adult when you have children? Aren't you supposed to, you know, be a parent? Or are the kids in charge?

And you can travel and sleep in with kids, too. Especially if you have a partner you share childcare responsibilities with...

Or do you just stay up every waking second to watch your child breathe?

Personally I think my PND made me hyper anxious about what is normal and what isn't, where as most people just get on with it and don't think about whether what they are feeling is "normal". I love my son to bits but 7pm is a pretty good time of day for me when he goes to sleep!!!!

This has the potential to disolve into a bunfight.

I love my DS (3.5). He's funny, intelligent, charming, does and says the cutest thing. He can also be rude, throw the best tantrums and generally be a pain in my backside. Oh...and the whining.

I would say at least once a day I will question why I had a child in the first place, and think how my DS is the reason I won't be having any more. Obviously, these thoughts are internal but they are there.

Parenting is really fucking hard. Anyone that gives the impression that it is 100% rainbows and sprinkles is a liar.

Noncommittal read the OP. It's obviously not the same to have the kid than not to have him or she wouldn't be feeling what she feels when she has to care for him again!!
IT'S NOT THE SAME
And those of you who say it's the same to have kids with you on a weekend or not to have them, you're not being truthful, or maybe you just behave like they're not there. I just don't get it. If there was no difference the whole world would be having kids without giving it a second thought.
DS has gone on trips with the school and it feels TOTALLY different. The OP knows this.

Wow. Mars got a bit of an undeserved battering there. She wasn't boasting at all. Just offering her opinion as this thread asked. I agree with her and feel the same.

There's a big difference between wanting time to recoup from parenthood, and NOT missing children, or not looking forward to seeing them. Those feelings can easily lead to resentment, or depression.

Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted is part of being a parent, and I don't think I'm on my own when I say parenting can sometimes feel like a perpetual 'Groundhog' day.

Perhaps if OP feels like that, change the routine for when he comes home each week? Shake it up a bit so that 'back to work' feeling diminishes. It's obviously making you feel bad. The rest of the post, you sound like your a fab Mum, so cut yourself a break. You may be confusing your feelings for him with the 'drudgery' of routine.

I feel you OP, I work full time and feel my shift ends after DS goes to bed. I love him dearly but can't wait for bedtime as it's a constant drill as he is so little. I feel like a horrible parent for thinking like this and am a bit relieved that others feel this way too. You're there when he needs you and that does matter.

I'm sorry but I don't agree that sounds normal. Sometimes I feel a little bit relieved to have a rest when dds gone to bed but I could never say I would feel down about her coming home. When I'm at work I miss her like mad and really crave her company. I think you might need to speak to someone about these feelings.

Doesn't sound normal to me either.

Maybe the not missing when they are with the other parent & it's only a couple of days.

But to actually feel down about they coming back?

There's a difference between wanting to have a break & not wanting to see your dc and dreading it after 4 days of being apart.
There's a world of difference between thinking you want to be with your friends instead of your child after 4 days apart. I don't get that at all and if that offends anyone that's fine with me, I don't have to justify myself to anyone.

3 dcs here, its like bloody being on a loop....but my eldest 10 is now becoming company😁 the younger 2 3&18m are an endless loop of feeding, changing, wee breaks and reading meg and mog! So much so I took them to the science museum and let them run riot in the garden for most of today

'Part time parent'? That's an awful thing to call the op, Mars! You don't just turn off being a parent once your children are elsewhere . Did you become a part-time parent once your child started school, when your husband took over 'duties' so you could work, or they went for a sleepover?

I would find it odd if someone said they didn't find a single part of parenting hard work. I enjoyed the baby stage myself, but now in the 'toddling' stage and find myself counting the hours until nap/bedtime. Constantly running after a child, who seems determined to do themselves harm, is bloody exhausting! It is hard work, and like any relentless work, wre allowed to say it out loud and want a break. I don't understand people who say raising children is 100% a joy. The ones I've met are unfortunately, rather boring people (and usually very smothering to boot). It as if children are the only interesting things in their lives....

Of course looking after children is work. If your ex were an abusive, nasty man you didn't trust to look after your ds properly, I would say not thinking about or missing your ds whilst he is staying with him would be very odd. However, you clearly trust your ex, feel he is a good dad and your ds is safe with him, so no reason, really, for you to be thinking and worrying endlessly about your ds and missing him hugely while he is away - not thinking about it too much is probably better for your sanity! As for feeling a bit down before your ds comes back to you, rather than looking forward to it, I think that would be odd if you'd had an extended period of time apart, but in your case, it's not really that long and it's the same every single week, so not totally weird that he hasn't been away long enough for you to have missed him or started putting rose tinted spectacles on with respect to the more onerous aspects of parenting. In other words, you're probably still a bit knackered and unrefreshed!

I think she just said she finds it hard and misses her break but loves her son more than anything, and, given her history of depression, feels guilty about it.

That sounds understandable.

But hey, the right way to parent and feel about patenting, as told by you, has been pointed out. Thanks for clearing it up.

Its difficult to say whether or not it is normal. My DC are older and I sometimes crave time to myself but I do think you sound a bit detached from your DS.

I am wondering if your depression hasn't fully cleared. To give you an example from my own life. My DH takes the DC to visit his family abroad for several weeks. It is hard for me when they are away so I tend to shut down my feelings / wall them off a bit whilst they are away so I can get on with things, very much like you do when you have depression. When they come back, it takes me a couple of days to adjust to having people back in the house and parenting again. Instead of being a bundle of joy as soon as they come back I can be a bit irritable until I have got my thoughts back in order.
If you are still suffering from depression then I could understand that you might just go a bit flat when your DS is away and only see the work side of childcare rather than the fun side.

Edmund I used the wrong expression and the last thing I want is to hurt the OP's feelings with it. I didn't mean she's a part-time parent, only that her ex takes her DS away three days a week. For three days she doesn't clean, change, cook, etc. So for me, that sounds like part-time parenting, even though of course she's always a mum. Sorry for that.

It's usual to an extent. Parenting is bloody hard work, a physical and emotional job. I sometimes feel I am so tired at the end of the day I could cry but when my own DC are at school I do miss them and wonder what they're doing. Given that your DC is away for so much of the week I do think it's a bit sad that you don't miss him and seem to dread him coming back. Hope he doesn't pick up on it

But mars did you work full time with no childcare?! How?!? That really would be amazing if so.

'Part time parent'? That's an awful thing to call the op, Mars! You don't just turn off being a parent once your children are elsewhere confused. Did you become a part-time parent once your child started school, when your husband took over 'duties' so you could work, or they went for a sleepover?

Mars' kid did none of those things, she said she had her son 24 hours a day 7 days a week for 14 years. He never left her side!

Noncommittal,
as you keep attacking me, please reread the OP. That's not what she said. It maybe what you want to read, it may even be what she really feels, but it's not what she wrote. This is what she wrote:
On Sunday I feel really down as I know I'm getting him back
It's the same feeling I used to get on a Sunday night realising it's work tomorrow
I much prefer being on my own if I'm honest

Thanks for the replies. I think if my circumstances were different (partner who was supportive and financial security) I would feel completely different but life as a Single Mum is one I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's hard. Eventhough I get days without my Son I would much rather have him full-time and have a supportive partner.

I do genuinely get a slight sense of sadness and dread when I know he's coming back but a few mins before he's due to arrive I'm looking forward to seeing him. Once he's been here an hour I start to feel a bit down but not depressed.

I'm definitely not detached from him. It's just hard work looking after a young child on your own. So because of my circumstances I find it to be 'work'. I'm sure I will find it great fun once he's older. It's just being responsible for him I find tiresome.

And yes I find being on my own more relaxing and in some ways more enjoyable. But I wouldn't be without my Son for anything, and would never go back. I'm not feeling depressed.

My Son is in no way deprived. He's such a happy boy. When he was in nursery I was sad and wanted him back as I knew he wasn't fully happy there. IO eventually took him out of there. But when he's at his Dad's it's completely different as I know he is having an amazing time with his Nana and Grandad and extended family. So I'm happy knowing he''s having a great time and lots of attention and I get to relax.

I'm definitely not a part-time parent. You never stop being a Mum and eventhough his Dad has him a few days a week, I'm still the main carer and the one responsible for him. He goes to his Dad's as much as he does because it think it's whats best for him.

I think that being a single parent makes a difference in this situation. I'm not one, my good friend is. I didn't have a night away from my pfb til she was nearly 3 (psb managed to be born in the morning else I would have had to!) Friend doesn't see how i can parent so intensely. She's always been a single parent, and has her parents very involved so having kids go away for the night is normal for her. It isn't for me. But I have my DH, so can pop out for milk, go for a swim, have a nap, visit that friend, without having to arrange care in a formal way. (obv I have to check that dh is planning to be home, but we live together and talk to each other, so that's fine). I suppose the difference is that I can go away from my kids whenever I fancy (within limits!)-, she, like op, has to make the most of the time when they go away from her.
Oh, and 3 year olds Imo are quite hard work. I think kids get easier with every passing month. However op if you think your feelings are more than being annoyed by the drudgery of parenthood, have a chat with you gp :)