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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think telling people to exercise or eat more/less is not ok?

43 replies

Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 09:32

Myself and my 2 co-workers have just been moved to new offices on the 4th floor. Our VP just came up to see us and said to my one co-worker who is obese (in front of myself, 2 other co-workers and a student who was present) that he was ordering him to no longer take the elevator and he has to walk up the four flights of stairs. My other co-worker and I were mortified on his behalf. I mean, despite the VP laughing while he said it, there was nothing funny about it. It was humiliating.

Why do people think it's ok to comment on others bodies or habits? I just don't get it, what do they hope to achieve from it?

And this isn't just about people who are obese being shamed, I had a good friend who struggled with anorexia and people would always comment on her eating and tell her to eat more. Um, she would have if she could!

AIBU to think there is never an ok or appropriate time to comment on an adults exercise or eating habits?

OP posts:
DavidPuddy · 24/10/2016 09:38

Nope, you are right. Your VP is a dick.

ooerrmissus · 24/10/2016 09:39

No it's absolutely unacceptable and your colleague should complain to HR about being bullied.

Onlyonce · 24/10/2016 09:41

Yanbu.

Only exception I can think of is if someone asks for help or advice on their diet or weight.

I get this all the time from dp. (I'm size 12). I've told him it's not appropriate.

I think your poor colleague would be well within reason to complain. It's not on, particularly in the setting you describe. I hope she is Ok.

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 09:42

your colleague should complain to HR about being bullied.

He won't, we're in the middle of a merger and things are pretty touch and go with our jobs. Too much of a risk to rock the boat right now. :( Also, the VP will say he was joking, and the VP has been around a lot longer.

OP posts:
Onlyonce · 24/10/2016 09:45

Sorry I have just seen that you said this was a male colleague. Equally unacceptable of course. Was he upset?

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 09:46

Was he upset?

Hard to say. I think he's kind of used to comments like this, so he shrugged it off. But he was quieter than usual after it happened. My co-worker and I didn't know what to say. :(

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 24/10/2016 09:50

'I was only joking' = classic passive aggressive move😠
Wait, wait and one day the opportunity for revenge will arise, give the fucker a taste of his own medicine😈

Maraschinocherry · 24/10/2016 09:51

It's totally wrong, unacceptable in the work place and rude anywhere. The only people to make these comments to your face should be your doctors.

However, it's also wrong to try to minimise the obesity problems, and encourage unhealthy heating and behaviour. I am sick and tired of the "proud of your curves" activists. It's ok to be slim or curvy, but being fat is not something to promote or encourage. You are not healthy if you are fat! You are not healthy if you are anorexic either! Neither should be encouraged, people need help.

TathitiPete · 24/10/2016 09:54

I agree. Its never okay. I can never fathom why people think it's any of their business a stranger's size.

Only I'm in almost the exact same boat (but a size up tbf). I'm a size bigger than I was before having our second child; who was very sick when he was born and has since been diagnosed with a chronic, incurable condition, and my (obese) husband has sneered about it. Silly me I thought it wasn't too huge a deal and my top priority should be my ill seven month old and his sister but, no, apparently.

Sorry, /hijack, I'm just really pissed off Blush

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 09:56

However, it's also wrong to try to minimise the obesity problems, and encourage unhealthy heating and behaviour.

How is keeping your mouth shut, or not commenting on another persons exercise or food choices, encouraging unhealthy eating?

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 24/10/2016 10:01

Has the obese person been talking about their weight in that conversation? If not, and the VP just said that out of the blue then they are a plonker.

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 10:04

JoJo the VP came in, asked us how we liked our new offices and than made the comment. My co-worker hadn't even opened his mouth.

My co-worker does talk with some of us about diet and exercise, as there are a few of us who have struggled with our weight of late (pregnancy and such), but never the VP or in the VP's presence. He's actually lost quite a bit of weight recently and we're all very supportive and positive, but this just came across as mean.

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 24/10/2016 10:08

The world is full to bursting with fucking idiots.

Maraschinocherry · 24/10/2016 10:08

Thefitfatty

If you read my comment, I did say that I would not mention someone's weight to his face, meaning I would not say to a fat person " you should stop eating" anymore than I would say "you must eat" to an anorexia sufferer.

HOWEVER, promoting the message that it is OK to be as fat you want is dangerous and wrong. If you encourage someone to be anorexic you will raise a storm of protests (and rightly so). Why is it ok to encourage obesity in the same way?

Onlyonce · 24/10/2016 10:08

Tathiti

I am sorry this is happening to you as well and about your poorly ds. I'm a 12 in everything except skinny jeans then I need a 14 to feel comfy. I also have tops and dresses in 10/12. Purely depends on the fit I think.

Its awful, particularly coming from a dh/dp. I have lost trust in my dp because of it tbh.

danTDM · 24/10/2016 10:09

I came out of hospital after 4 months and was very thin. This was in December, by far the worst thing was EVERYONE commenting on my weight and then gradually 'oh good you're fatter' every bloody week for 8 months. I live in Spain and they definitely comment on weight, te way you look and what you should eat THE WHOLE TIME.

It is nobodys business unless they ask.

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 10:14

HOWEVER, promoting the message that it is OK to be as fat you want is dangerous and wrong. If you encourage someone to be anorexic you will raise a storm of protests (and rightly so). Why is it ok to encourage obesity in the same way?

I think this may be a whole other thread. There's a bit difference between "promoting" obesity or anorexia and unhealthy habits and promoting body positivism and loving yourself and treating yourself kindly.

Most studies show that shaming usually has the opposite effect on a person and doesn't inspire positive change, whereas encouraging the person to love themselves, flaws and all, does inspire healthy change.

Personally I think we've been sold the idea that very thin is ideal for too long and I'm glad to see more regular sized models/actresses and actors making an appearance.

OP posts:
JosephineMaynard · 24/10/2016 10:15

YANBU.

Unsolicited advice on people's weight and how to handle it, is only ever appropriate if it's coming from a medical professional who's talking in their professional capacity.

BalloonSlayer · 24/10/2016 10:16

You could have a quiet word with your friend to say that you were horrified at those comments and if he ever wants to take it further with HR then you will be a witness.

Then make a note of what happened and keep it. It may not be the right time to make a complaint right now but things may change.

JoJoSM2 · 24/10/2016 10:16

The VP is a plonker...

Trifleorbust · 24/10/2016 10:17

Totally unacceptable, bullying behaviour. Your friend should go to HR, sod the job. Disgusting way to speak to someone else, joke or not.

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 10:17

Its awful, particularly coming from a dh/dp. I have lost trust in my dp because of it tbh.

I'm sorry you're going through this OnlyOnce. My DM used to always comment on my weight/exercise, and still asks about my routines and what I'm eating. It really does make it hard to trust her or open up to her, and makes me quite defensive. Also, having your diet/exercise/body nitpicked for decades doesn't leave you with great self esteem.

If my DH started I'd kick him to the curb. I couldn't put up with that kind of scrutiny anymore.

OP posts:
eatsleephockeyrepeat · 24/10/2016 10:18

Your eating and exercising habits in the context of body shape and size are personal subjects. You only talk to someone about personal subjects when you have a personal relationship with them - and even then you think long and hard about whether what you're about to say is tactful, appropriate or nice.

Original poster
Thefitfatty · 24/10/2016 10:19

You could have a quiet word with your friend to say that you were horrified at those comments and if he ever wants to take it further with HR then you will be a witness.

I'll certainly say something to him in private. I may also be leaving this position for a new one soon and I was thinking about mentioning this (and other unrelated instances) in my exit interview. Hmm

OP posts:
BeBopTalulah · 24/10/2016 10:21

A very good friend of mine is naturally very slim (but IMO perfectly proportioned and has lovely figure). She is 'accused' of being anorexic regularly, told to eat more. It is the choice insult towards her. She is perfectly healthy, has a pretty good diet and has always been like this. People seem to think it is more acceptable to tell a slim person to eat more than the opposite, when it is equally upsetting and annoying.