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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to relocate for dp job prospects?

34 replies

user1473509591 · 22/10/2016 21:55

Okay so, I'm the current and sole breadwinner in my household, supporting dc and Dp. Dp is self employed freelancer, who struggles to make any significant amount of money. He doesn't so much refuse to get a 'proper' job, but he'll look for a bit after I whinge at him to keep me sweet for a couple more months.
For a few years now he's been trying to persuade me to move to a bigger city where he's more likely to get better contacts and possibly more work. Now, I have several issues with this. One, while I have transferable skills and probably won't struggle to find work wherever I live (healthcare) we only just survive on my wage now. If we move rent and general day to day costs will be a lot higher, so he would have to get a 'proper' job in order for us to survive. Two, when I've brought up this rather valid point, he promised to get a job, and I quote, 'because I'll be living somewhere where I'm going to happier'. Now this annoys me because while yes you should be happy in your work, surely having children should be a good enough reason to want to work?
Anyway point 3, I'll be moving away from my friends and family, and moving dds school where she's very happy. Albeit not very far, only 40 miles down the road, but we already rely on family for childcare and it won't be as readily available, and if we're both working childcare expenses will add to our already limited funds, and I like the fact that my mum is 20 minutes away by bus.
Aibu? Or should I give it a chance? I'm not going to lie that my anxiety is playing a part in my reluctance here either.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 22/10/2016 22:00

If it's only 40 minutes away, why can't he get freelance jobs (or an employed job) in that city now and commute?

I'd suggest to him that he does that and then review in 6 months or a year how well it's going and consider the finances of moving.

DeathStare · 22/10/2016 22:01

Sorry meant 40 miles. Autocorrect

Original poster

user1473509591 · 22/10/2016 22:02

You'd think that would be the simplest solution wouldn't you? But no, dp wants us all to move so we can all experience living somewhere decent (he hates the town we live in 😂)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2016 22:03

Tell him if he gets a full time job for two years, where you are now, and does it without complaining, then you'll reconsider.

HyacinthFuckit · 22/10/2016 22:06

Yanbu.

HeadDreamer · 22/10/2016 22:08

How far is that 40 miles? My commute to work is 35 miles and one hour. That's a fairly typical commute. Like deathstare, I would wonder why he's not freelancing there already? Does his job if freelancing there means a lot of work from home? Or daily commute?

You are right in worrying about the lack of support and childcare once you both work. He needs to pull in quite a bit to pay for childcare.

DeathStare · 22/10/2016 22:09

Well he can want whatever he likes.... he's an adult and this is the real world, and right now he can't afford to move. If he had reliable income that might change but you can't take on additional expense until that regular income is guaranteed

HeadDreamer · 22/10/2016 22:10

Actually google maps says 36 miles, 43 min on this quiet Saturday night.

PansyGiraffe · 22/10/2016 22:12

40 miles is nothing to commute. If that's where all the contacts are now, how often is he going there? If you all move, suddenly there'll be some other reason why he's not getting the work. Bet he won't get a regular job then either - it'll be "really important" he devotes his time to the freelancing, "because that was the point of the move".

Timeforabiscuit · 22/10/2016 22:15

Oh the immortal words - lets move to x, there are jobs there!

Same problems different scenery.

It would be cheaper him having a bedsit or room share if the commute isnt managable rather than uprooting you all.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/10/2016 22:18

My OH Used to commute 60 miles, tell him to fucking grow up.

You will move once he has kept a job, he can weekend commute till then.

melibu84 · 22/10/2016 22:18

He should still be able to develop contacts within that city without moving. It's only 40 miles away, and we live in a digital world. You don't really need to be next door to your contacts now. Also, some people commute 40 miles on a daily basis. It's called using public transport.

YANBU :)

cestlavielife · 22/10/2016 22:26

Don't move
He won't be happier.

Chances are you will uproot and you won't gain anything.

If he really wants to show you its better prospects then he will commute there for work for now .let him commute for six months and find lots of work and then discuss. 40 miles is nothing ..or he could rent a mon to Friday room if he needs to.

HaveNoSocks · 23/10/2016 08:09

As others have said YANBU. At the moment you want to live in your current town, your DDs goes to school there, your family and friends are there, you have a job there and are supporting the family there. He wants to live in this other town and thinks he might be able to get a job there.

No way should you uproot your lives and your DDs schooling for a job he hasn't even got yet. He can commute or live there during the week. Once he has a stable job that can support the family , and he's kept it for a year, you might consider moving.

Bruce02 · 23/10/2016 08:19

There is no way I would be going anywhere.

If he got a job and did the commute for a good long while, he stuck it out and he actually had a stable and decent paid job, I would eventually consider it.

But a 40 minute commute is not that bad it's worth moving away from family and the kids friends.

You say he doesn't refuse to get a job. But he does. He looks for a bit to keep you sweet, but doesn't actually get a job. So what's that if not refusing?

Dh is self employed. During lean times he has done other work at the same time. It's been tiring but no way would he sit back while I paid all the bills.

No way would he suggest we all move to avoid a 40 minute commute.

Fairylea · 23/10/2016 08:25

Don't move. He doesn't sound like he knows what he wants to be honest. If he really wanted to he could commute to a job there - 40 miles is nothing commute wise. Don't give up the stability your job and location brings the children for the vague hope he might find a job that might make him happier in a place he might feel happier in. It's all a bit "maybe". If he's really desperate to move he should get a job there first, get stability there and then think about moving the family perhaps.

poorbuthappy · 23/10/2016 08:31

My dh commutes 40 mins east and I am about to commute 40 mins north (new job hopefully!) we would never move we love our house and where we live.
He doesn't have a commute / job problem he has a I don't like where I live problem.

BreatheDeep · 23/10/2016 08:40

So he wants to move a stable and reliable home life with good childcare options for the 'possibility' of more contacts for his business that 'might' mean more work?
YANBU

itlypocerka · 23/10/2016 08:41

DeathStare Well he can want whatever he likes.... he's an adult and this is the real world, and right now he can't afford to move. If he had reliable income that might change but you can't take on additional expense until that regular income is guaranteed

THIS.

let him start working in the city 40 miles away.

To help him get more freelance work there, it's possible to buy a phone number alias with a local dial code so he could use that to give a local contact number to potential customers. Once he has built up a steady reliable income high enough to be able to afford the additional housing costs and childcare costs and still contribute significantly to the household expenses, THEN you can consider moving.

He needs to grow up and accept that he can't have what he wants without working for it first.

Inertia · 23/10/2016 09:30

Yanbu. There's nothing to stop him working 40 miles away.

Sounds like he is finding his current lifestyle lacking in glamour, so he wants to uproot you all to the city so that you can pay for him to do some more exciting things while he isn't working.

TirednessIsComing · 23/10/2016 09:44

Don't move. He sounds very fickle and pinning his hopes on something that won't materialise. If he could get good contacts there by moving then he can by commuting. Sounds like he can't be arsed to put the effort in to get a job and wants his family to do it instead.

He should prove he's not all talk by commuting, getting contacts and jobs and sticking with then for at least a year. Then you could think about moving if you both wanted too.

Wellywife · 23/10/2016 09:45

DH commuted 48 miles each way for about 6 years. Most of it over the Pennines on A roads, not motorway. It's doable. And he was the main breadwinner. We didn't move because just like you we have supportive friends and family and DC are at great schools.

In your situation I'd tell him to get the job first then when he's past the probation stage, then you could discuss it.

OzzieFem · 23/10/2016 09:52

I agree with the other posters. I used to commute regularly 1hr and sometimes 1hr 10 mins (depending on traffic) to and from work, five days a week for 36 yrs. At first it seems a long time and then you become used to it and don't worry about it anymore.

I would definitely not be moving. Your partner is lazy and parasitic unless he is a good sahd and does his share of the household chores. It's about time he grew up.

ChuckBiscuits · 23/10/2016 09:59

I used to live in one city and commute to another 96 miles away.

His proposal is selfish and ridiculous.

PerpendicularVincent · 23/10/2016 10:05

I wouldn't move from your support network. Chances are you'll find yourself in the city, working more hours to subsidise your higher rent and childcare whilst your DP carries on arsing about doing nothing.

I agree with the posters who suggested that he proves himself by finding a full time job and sticks to it. If so, then reconsider.

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