To think my sister is a bitch

[MrsOs]

I'll try and keep it brief. There is me, older sister who lives up north and middle sister.

When my dad died 6 years ago my mum was distraught my middle sister who lived around the corner from mum who is a snotty nose bitch who thinks she is above everyone fell out with us all (mum older sister and me) she took against where mum wanted to cremate dad she thought it was a rough area, refused mum access to her grandchildren and accused me of taking over everything! She even told mum in a letter that dad thought she was horrible! In the end middle sister was removed from being executor of mums will and mum said she didn't want her interfering with anything to do with her if she got sick/ died. There was no contact for 5 years.

I was there to pick mum up and have been there every weekend for 6 yrs to take her shopping and look out for her. Older sister lives far away up north. Mum has been ill since June and has just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease she is dying and it is progressing at an incredible rate. She has been in hospital for a month and now she can't talk, walk, swallowing has gone and bladder isn't working. Everyone said middle sister should be told when she was told said she wasn't interested. But since then has been to see mum a few times in hospital. I think it's fairly tense.

Older sister said don't worry she won't interfere with anything but mum and her need to end things on good terms which I agree with. Older sister btw is a passive aggressive bitch too and we can get along but we argue when she says nasty things and I get upset about it! She can never see she does anything wrong. Turns everything around to be my fault.

So yesterday mum was meant to go to a care home but transport didn't turn up. I went to the care home and older sister was there. She said check the paper work.i did and found she has put middle sister after her as who to contact in an emergency.

I couldn't bloody believe it! Mum wouldn't want that. So if mum was dying and they couldn't raise older sister they will phone the middle sister! Who hasn't given a fig about mum. When I asked why she said I was being paranoid and that she is the next of kin and if I was so worried I should tell them that I should know first because that will make me feel good! So now we aren't talking and I feel so hurt by what's she done. Do I tell mum what's she done and get the paperwork changed?

The older sister all along has been very clear that middle sister should be kept at a distance so I can't understand why she has done this! It really hurts!

mikasmum what the fuck are you talking about?!

Some posters were being Dicks but not all of us were!Some of us have been through the agony of being the youngest and having lost a parent,I know I have, I lost my Mum and I will never get over that!

Try reading the thread first before you tar us all with the same brush thanks!

Firstly can I suggest you ask for this thread to be moved to somewhere other than AIBU..

Secondly you have my sympathy..Dying can bring out the best and worst of people.

I would no be arranging car boots / ebay because your Older sibling says so you have enough on your plate.

Secondly..It may seem the wrong time however Can I ask is there anything that really reminds you of your mum you would really want to keep..Sometimes this isn't something of financial value..Can I suggest as your sister is sorting stuff out you mention it now as I can imagine it gone and its not replaceable.

Lastly you are doing the right thing by your mum..However poorly she is right now she will know and appreciate all the care you have put into her..The care home will know who does all the visiting ..Tell them you want to be informed if they need anything or any changes.

milkasmum That makes no sense whatsoever!

I'm so sorry OP .

I don't have any suggestions other than please try and find some peace for yourself.

Family dynamics can be complicated and never more than when a parent is in need of care and dying.

Emotions are high, tempers are frayed and never before have all the rivalries and injustices been as close to the surface.

It is tough. Don't lose your shit, get through it and realise that it's likely that everyone is just making descisions based on their own judgements.

I'm so so sorry for you, please take time for yourself, get outside help to sound off and know that what you've done for your Mum is more than enough. That's what's important.

My wild speculation is that your sisters have seen what you've done and want to carry the burden of care - albeit last bloody minute without real consideration for you.

It's fucking hard.

To all you people who have called OP vile names. Shame on you. Seriously.

MrsOS very sorry you are going through this.

It seems like you will be able to be friendly with your older sister for the time being, which will help your mum. Well done for doing that and making your mum happy, it must be hard.

Please make sure you are the emergency contact in the event of any emergency. The nursing home will not call two people but they can have two emergency contact numbers, so that if they have trouble getting in touch with number one they move to contact number two. This is what happened when my mum fell ill, my sister was 30 minutes away and I was three hours away but they called me as they could get hold of her.

Luckily we get on very well so of course I got in touch with her and told her what was happening.

I think it is imperative that you are the number one contact for your mum. If the nursing home have any doubts the fact you are there a lot visiting and care so much for your mum will ensure the staff can see you are the right person to contact.

In terms of Power of Attorney, I am a bit confused, do you have medical and legal Power of Attourney with your older sister? Is it jointly held or separately. I am not sure what all the differences are but I hope you have all your medical and legal things in order as it just makes life easier.

Your older sister cannot dispose of your mum's things and sell her home while she is ill unless she has financial Power of Attorney and it is done in your mum's best interests, i.e. to sell to pay for her care. This is what we had to do with my mum's flat, and it took ages, but we had to do it to pay the nursing home fees, which were massive.

Anyway, just wanted to say you are doing a great job for your mum, and the evil comments on here from some very vile people are utterly unacceptable.

But hopefully you have had some good advice on here too.

Under normal circumstances I might be suggesting you try to be friends or build bridges with your sisters. And that this would hopefully make things a bit easier at this terrible time. But I do feel that sometimes we cannot be friends with people who have hurt us so much in the past, we can forgive them, of course, but we do not need to allow them to hurt us again. It is not all about your mum, relationships are never all about one person. Look after your mum, of course but keep your sanity safe and remember this too will pass.

MrsOs, canyou mother make herself understood at all, by hand squeezing, etc, to an impartial person rather than your sister's, and communicate her wishes?
I know when I was in a similar situation my DM was classed as next of kin. However, she and my DG, who has to go into a home, hated each other. The staff very soon picked up on this atmosphere and the complete change when I turned up. I stayed with my DG all day, every day. Unlike my DM. In the end it was deemed that it was obvious that I had my DG best wishes at heart. I was asked to make medical decisions in the end, which I did, but infuriated my DM. I'm pretty sure DM hasn't forgiven me and never will. But then she even blames me for my own conception, so I've got to the point where I CBA.
I did what I knew my DG desperately wanted; to be with her at the end. Tough, if DM doesn't like it. It's her problem, not mine, that she fell out with her own DM! Not me!

I'm not going to bother mum with any of this and I think I'll have a quiet word with the senior nurses who I'm building a nice relationship with already. I'll let them know I live/ work far away and if anything happens please let me know so I can get there in time. They will pick up on the situation with middle sister when they see her and mum together I'm sure it will be blindingly obvious, even yesterday one of the nurses commented on how my older sister and I are completely different in personality. I am apparently more active (as in helping with mum) and joking around I assume and sister just sits and dictates lol

Older sister commented and said yes I'm nicer .. I really wanted to say 'mmm don't think so love!'

Yet again, another post where people seem to queue up to be unpleasant to someone going through a dreadful time. It's very easy to say things like, 'put differences behind you' and stop squabbling. The fact is, if there are people being unreasonable, malicious and petty, giving in to them or letting them take over to avoid disputes, generally does not result in a good outcome. Then, if you try to do what is reasonable, and not give in, you are accused of petty squabbling. In this case, the OP does not want her dying mother whom she has cared for, to, perhaps in her final hours, be confronted with the daughter who has sought to alienate her from her life. I'd think OP you are absolutely right. The nurses will see that you are the real carer of your mum, that she would want you to be notified if eldest not around. So sorry you are going through all this.

MrsOs I think that's a really good idea. Having also worked as a nurse myself, you very quickly get a feel about the patient and their relationship with them. I didn't even need to speak to the senior nurses in my case. They very quickly picked on the a complete character change when I turned up. My DG went from being an unhappy, awkward, difficult patient to being ecstatic, happy, more obliging to the nurses: a while character transformation. It was blindingly obvious to the nurses too, as I'd sit there for hours with my DG talking about the good times and recalling different events and times. As a nurse myself, I soon realised that DG wasn't getting allher needs met, so went about doing it myself. To give her that loving care. I also did other things for her, like doing her nails, massaging cream into her hands and just generally talking. If you do things like that for your DM and other personal touches, I'm sure she'll appreciate it which is really important for you both right now. I'm sure the nurses there are very astute and observant. Speak to the senior nurse, privately explaining what's happened, but also acknowledge that your older sister did what she did, thinking that by law, she being the eldest and your middles sister had to go onto the list. Then follow it through by demonstrating your devotion to your DM.
Touch and hearing familiar kind voices are very important senses to a person who is dying. It's very reassuring and calming for them. Isn't that the way we'd all like to go, especially as your DM's suffering so much from this dreadful disease? Even to massage her feet or any other areas that she would like massaged gently. It has to be very gently. It'll help her with pain too, as a type of distraction.
I have to say that some OP have made some awful, and unnecessary unkind comments to you on here. I've been in your shoes, so to speak. Ignore them and concentrate and spend as much time with your DM as you possibly can.
Take it from me, I've not regretted doing what I did for my DG, despite its cost of my relationship with my own DM. It wasn't my fault that they'd fallen out. I just did what I wanted to do, for my DG. My children find huge solace from that and although I was always for quite a period of time, don't resent it one tiny bit. Quite the opposite in fact.
I'll be thinking of you, MrsOs. Just do your best for your DM, for her and and you. No one else.

I am so sorry about your situation, my thoughts are with you. I don't agree with "next of kin" comment at all. I am a middle child (female), my older brother is a drug addict and my younger brother is married and wife calls the shots. In the event of anything my parents filling in anything that required next if kin it would be my details.

Don't make comment to either of your sisters on it, just ask the care home to put you top of the list and don't mention it again.

Its sounds like tough times ahead, but one thing i always learnt from my mother. Find one person you can rely on 100% and hold their hand through everything, pour your heart out too and de-stress with. Rise above the drama and ignore your sisters, be thoughtful and factful through gritted teeth and don't rise to anything. It will be hard, the hardest times you've maybe ever had. Rest assured your mum will be proud of you and that's the main thing. Take care, much love x

I had a slightly similar thing happen with my sister. My mother had been in hospital for a couple of weeks, clearly very poorly, and my sister had been visiting for the odd day whilst I stayed there all the time. She felt it wasn't necessary for one of us to be there all the time. One Friday I started to get a cold and decided to go home for the weekend, thinking that I didn't want my Mum to catch it from me (she was clearly very poorly by this stage). I had the impression that my sister would stay to visit, but no, she went home. On Sunday night, very late, I had a call from crying sister who said that she'd just returned home from a visit to friends to find a message from the hospital telling her Mum was going downhill fast. Turned out that she had spoken to the nurses to ensure that it was her phone number that they had rather than mine, then simply gone away for the weekend. The hospital had called some hours before and we did not get to the hospital until she was pretty much unconscious and she died early the next day.
I had no idea that my phone number was no longer being used for contact and feel sad that we were not able to be there to offer comfort simply because of sibling rivalry.

Sometimes the attitudes on here never cease to amaze me, how people can have read the OP and decided she was being a spoiled brat is a mystery. She was looking after her mums best interests!! Get a grip people.

angela9999, thats awful!

People are seriously harsh on this board! Of course you have a right to be pissed off and want to be involved - age has nothing whatsoever to do with order of next of kin. You can't get the middle sister removed from being contacted, but you can tell the nursing home the history and that she's only just got back in touch, that you are the one that is local and involved etc. Plus they're not stupid, they will see who turns up to the nursing home regularly for visits etc. I'm a nurse, I know firsthand this happens all the time. Don't worry, just ask the nursing home to involve you jointly with second contact.