To think my sister is a bitch

[MrsOs]

I'll try and keep it brief. There is me, older sister who lives up north and middle sister.

When my dad died 6 years ago my mum was distraught my middle sister who lived around the corner from mum who is a snotty nose bitch who thinks she is above everyone fell out with us all (mum older sister and me) she took against where mum wanted to cremate dad she thought it was a rough area, refused mum access to her grandchildren and accused me of taking over everything! She even told mum in a letter that dad thought she was horrible! In the end middle sister was removed from being executor of mums will and mum said she didn't want her interfering with anything to do with her if she got sick/ died. There was no contact for 5 years.

I was there to pick mum up and have been there every weekend for 6 yrs to take her shopping and look out for her. Older sister lives far away up north. Mum has been ill since June and has just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease she is dying and it is progressing at an incredible rate. She has been in hospital for a month and now she can't talk, walk, swallowing has gone and bladder isn't working. Everyone said middle sister should be told when she was told said she wasn't interested. But since then has been to see mum a few times in hospital. I think it's fairly tense.

Older sister said don't worry she won't interfere with anything but mum and her need to end things on good terms which I agree with. Older sister btw is a passive aggressive bitch too and we can get along but we argue when she says nasty things and I get upset about it! She can never see she does anything wrong. Turns everything around to be my fault.

So yesterday mum was meant to go to a care home but transport didn't turn up. I went to the care home and older sister was there. She said check the paper work.i did and found she has put middle sister after her as who to contact in an emergency.

I couldn't bloody believe it! Mum wouldn't want that. So if mum was dying and they couldn't raise older sister they will phone the middle sister! Who hasn't given a fig about mum. When I asked why she said I was being paranoid and that she is the next of kin and if I was so worried I should tell them that I should know first because that will make me feel good! So now we aren't talking and I feel so hurt by what's she done. Do I tell mum what's she done and get the paperwork changed?

The older sister all along has been very clear that middle sister should be kept at a distance so I can't understand why she has done this! It really hurts!

I agree with Tiptoe's advice.

OP, I'm sorry your mum is so ill, it is a very hard time. For you, for your mum, but also for your sisters too.

I can understand being upset at the way the NOK was dealt with, it seems you have been doing a lot of the caring and I think it sounds like you feel pushed out, which is understandable. Has your mum had a power of attorney done? If she has, this will state who can make financial and welfare decisions when she lacks capacity to do so. If not, the situation is less clear cut and I think you and your siblings may need to seek advice with regards to the legal aspects of decisions about your mum's care and financial affairs.

I think it's important to try to remember that each of you will have different ways of coping with grief- your way is right for you but not necessarily for everyone else. Let them cope in their own way and you manage in your way. Maybe eldest sister is coping by organising and doing things rather than doing things to deliberately upset you or just because she is "being a bitch".

As regards to your relationship difficulties with your sisters, I think you are focussing on how awful everyone else is far too much- your emotions will be heightened and I think you need to try and move beyond this focus on how much of a "bitch" each of your sisters is and focus on your relationship with your mum instead. I think making the most of the time you have left with your mum will give you far more peace in the long run.

May I gently suggest that to you that they will most likely have their own views on how things have played out in the past and the behaviour of family members (yourself included), which may well differ from your version. Perhaps they have had difficulties in their relationship with one or both of your parents, which you are not aware of or don't know the full details of, for instance. Perhaps one or both of them have been upset by your actions, just as you have been upset by theirs. There are few relationships where one side has always been in the right and the other all in the wrong, so might be worth considering this when things are calmer (obviously your family situation may be one of the rare ones where the wrong is all on one side).

Finally, I would say losing a parent is very hard (as you clearly know)- this is true even if the parent in question is one you have a difficult or distant relationship with.

I'm glad she has a place in a home. Hopefully when she settles she'll be less distressed than in hospital.

My mother had MND so sympathise with what you are going through. With regards to your sisters, all I can say is that none of it really matters, in the grand scheme of things. You will be there for your mum, and your sisters will be too, in whatever way they can. It really isn't a competition.
Since my mum died ten years ago, one of the things I have found most comforting is the knowledge that we all did our best to make our mum's last days comfortable. Some of us did a little more, some of us did a little less. Doesn't matter. Make your mum feel loved. Make up with your sisters, at least until after she has gone. You will be glad later that your mum's last few months weren't spent squabbling over trivia.
Good luck

Just focus on you and her now. Shove their crap to the back of your mind, it isn't worth it. Sending unMN hugs ((( )))

Just back from seeing her at the care home and it was so distressing I agree none of the other crap really matters in the scheme of things.

hard times

So sorry

Hi OP
Haven't RTFT but just wanted to pop my head in as I used to work for the MNDA Association. Have you got in touch with them? I understand time.is of the essence but it is such an amazing charity that can help you, your sisters and most importantly your mum at this time.
It's an horrific illness but there is support and guidance for you out there. There is also a support line called MND Connect who are trained volunteers and can advise you or just listen.
Try and go easy and keep your mum as out of this as she can be so as not to stress her unnecessarily

I feel for you - I think the next of kin issue is the last straw amongst many other issues - it sounds like you have been a good person to your mum and she has not obviously it's going to hurt that the next of kin could be giving the impression otherwise

However sometime it does just go on the age order

Really hope you can find some peace with things x

Oh Mrs

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Take your time and do only what you need to. Some posters may be sanctimonious cunts but the rest of us are here if you need us (might be better to post under long term illness - or, if you feel strong enough, bereavement- there is lots of help and support available xx)

I'm sorry that family issues are distracting you from what is most important in this whole situation which is your lovely Mum. It sounds like you needed to get things off your chest and you have done that and given yourself a little time for perspective. From your posts you are doing a fantastic job with your mum and she is lucky to have you and you her. The rest don't really matter. Keep your focus on what is important and needs your time and energy and not the negativity and pettiness of others(family and/or MNers!) sending you love, strength and courage at such a difficult time. Thinking of lovely you and your lovely mum x

You know your mum, you've been there for her most in the last 6 years - say to your sister, 'yes, actually I think this would make me feel better about this particular issue' - and change it. Maybe group counselling with your sister/s would bring issues you hadn't considered to the fore and you can bond a bit? Sorry to hear your Mum is so poorly and I really think that if you kow hand on heart it wouldn't be what she wants - then change it. Only you know your mum well enough to decide if you should discuss it with her - let that be your decision and yours alone.

Hi OP,

Gentle handhold here. I think you're being treated a bit harshly here. I watched my Mum die slowly this year and it's utterly utterly agonising. It sounds from your post that you've done an amazing job looking after her visiting every weekend. I know firsthand how draining that is, much as you're happy to do it at the time! Have you got a DP to support you?

Sorry you're going through this, its appalling xxxxx

Hi op
I am only posting to offer you support, love and a big hug while you go through this. mnd is hideous. families often fall apart like this in times of stress. it distracts the mind imo. i hope you are able to convince your sister to wait on the sale of items from the house so you can all take some time out before making decisions. my grandad told each of us to take one item we wanted while he was alive as he had seen the squabbling over possessions after deaths. it was a wise choice imo. anyway, thinking of you, stay strong xx

I just want to say I'm sorry that you're all going through this and I understand you wanting to respect your mums wishes

SemiNormal: maybe you should RTFT when it's an extremely sensitive issue about someone whose mother is dying. Shame on YOU actually. I've reported your post.

to you OP. I've been there too, watching my mum die.

Sorry to hear what youre going through with your mum. Unnecessarily negative response of mumsnetter never ceases to amaze me. Ignore x

Your siblings relationship with you and your mum is clearly tricky. Times like this either bring out the best or worst in people. If you dont think the contact is what your mum would want discuss it with her lead nurse. It won't be the first time they've had issues like this and they'll be able to guide you. Sounds like your mum has enoughlegal stuff in place to make her wishes clear.

Whoever is called first you are closest and will be there first so try to rise above it. Let it bring out the best in you if not your siblings and remember at times like this you need each other. Even if you don't like each other. Xx

I'm so sorry this is such a tough time for you and your family. I understand that you feel you have been there for 6 years for your mum and she no doubt knows and appreciates that. I assume you did that freely and willingly? I ask because it's sounds like you expect it to have given you something- status, rank or whatever in the world. Obviously your mum didn't leave clear, explicit and legal instructions for this point, despite the rift. Maybe as a mum she hoped never to have to choose between her children? She certainly wouldn't be the first mum to have a fingers crossed mentality! But now it's too late. Take it as a sign that mums wishes weren't so black and white or else she'd have made legal instructions, so take a deep breath and do the best You can do for her. Legally this next of kin stuff doesn't carry any weight or use. Care home staff will get to know who visits and provides things and will ring accordingly. As suggested get a plan agreed that in an emergency you're all called. Stop worrying about your sister- both of them- and simply do what you feel you need to do for your mum. At the end, that will be all that you and your conscience can do. Your sisters have to do the same. Don't worry your mum now. She doesn't need or deserve it in the short time left. Enjoy that with her. Best wishes 💐

Sending you a hug op ((( )))).
Families can be hard to understand and sadly you can't choose them.
You can, however, continue to love & take care of your mum regardless. Please remember to take care of yourself too 🌺

OP, my family think that my poor relationship with my mother is my fault.

It isn't. And their ignorent judgement of the situation doesn't help at all.

Just focus on yourself at this hard time.

In my experience a nursing or care home will use the phone numbers of the relatives that live near, are interested and involved, they want to know who can/will accompany on any hospital appointments etc.
Emotions run very high in these circumstances, it did in our family too. Make clear to the home that you are local and happy to be called at any time and will assist however you can, they will be happy to hear that and you are then continuing to do the best you can for your DM. 💐

My sympathies go out to you, MrsOs- especially so because I've recently been through a not dissimilar thing.

My Dad died three weeks ago. For two years, I saw him at least once a week, if not twice. I did all the hospital visits, took him to all appointments etc- and I did this because I loved him, like you love your Mum.

I am the fifth of six children. Three of my brothers never came to see him, when he was ill and dying- two had valid reasons, but the other had no such reason.

I would have been livid if he'd been put as emergency contact. Not because I'd feel my nose was 'out of joint', but because after all, if a person can't visit their parent when there's plenty of time, why would you expect them to pitch up for an emergency? Additionally, my Dad didn't want any of those three brothers being emergency contact, and it would have distressed him greatly if his wishes had been ignored. He had little enough dignity left to him at the end- imagine how he would have felt to have his wishes ridden so roughshod over.

If I were you, I would just have a quiet word with the nursing staff, telling them that you've been your Mum's main carer, and request that they put your name on in place of your middle sister's- or at least above it. That way you can have some peace of mind that you're honouring your Mum's wishes.

Incidentally- I'm 99% certain that there is no 'hierarchy' of next of kin- you and your sisters are on equal footing there.

Which, in my case, is just as well, because if there had been a hierarchy, they would have had to go through a disinherited brother, another who lives in Australia and a third who didn't care enough, before they got to me.

Wishing you strength for everything you are going through now, and will have to go through in the future