To think my sister is a bitch

[MrsOs]

I'll try and keep it brief. There is me, older sister who lives up north and middle sister.

When my dad died 6 years ago my mum was distraught my middle sister who lived around the corner from mum who is a snotty nose bitch who thinks she is above everyone fell out with us all (mum older sister and me) she took against where mum wanted to cremate dad she thought it was a rough area, refused mum access to her grandchildren and accused me of taking over everything! She even told mum in a letter that dad thought she was horrible! In the end middle sister was removed from being executor of mums will and mum said she didn't want her interfering with anything to do with her if she got sick/ died. There was no contact for 5 years.

I was there to pick mum up and have been there every weekend for 6 yrs to take her shopping and look out for her. Older sister lives far away up north. Mum has been ill since June and has just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease she is dying and it is progressing at an incredible rate. She has been in hospital for a month and now she can't talk, walk, swallowing has gone and bladder isn't working. Everyone said middle sister should be told when she was told said she wasn't interested. But since then has been to see mum a few times in hospital. I think it's fairly tense.

Older sister said don't worry she won't interfere with anything but mum and her need to end things on good terms which I agree with. Older sister btw is a passive aggressive bitch too and we can get along but we argue when she says nasty things and I get upset about it! She can never see she does anything wrong. Turns everything around to be my fault.

So yesterday mum was meant to go to a care home but transport didn't turn up. I went to the care home and older sister was there. She said check the paper work.i did and found she has put middle sister after her as who to contact in an emergency.

I couldn't bloody believe it! Mum wouldn't want that. So if mum was dying and they couldn't raise older sister they will phone the middle sister! Who hasn't given a fig about mum. When I asked why she said I was being paranoid and that she is the next of kin and if I was so worried I should tell them that I should know first because that will make me feel good! So now we aren't talking and I feel so hurt by what's she done. Do I tell mum what's she done and get the paperwork changed?

The older sister all along has been very clear that middle sister should be kept at a distance so I can't understand why she has done this! It really hurts!

I understand what you are going through, and think if your mum is up to it (and only if she is) then you should speak to her and ask her how she feels about your sister being nok. My brother has been really cruel and manipulative of my mum when dad died. As dad died of cancer, they were so upset that they couldn't bear to have any conversations about death, etc. and dad's will went to probate. However, we knew that dad wanted mum to have everything, and then when mum dies the inheritence comes to us but he disputed that and made mum pay him a not inconsiderable sum of money. He also has a go at her whenever she buys anything new for herself, accusing her of whittling away his inheritence. This is why mum has promised to make sure her will is well set out. I am scared of my brother and don't want to have to argue with him when I know i will be in mourning. It is sad how death and money can disrupt and tear families apart. I feel that it is easier for the sister living up north as she can stay out of it to some degree. I hope you get things sorted out - maybe find out when she is visiting your mum and give the place a wide berth on those days to avoid confrontation. The staff will work it out for themselves eventually, but cannot change anything unless your mum asks as I'm sure you realise. Big Hugs x

I don't want unnecessary drama cos I'm already devastated my mum is dying. I just want to be there when my mum needs me. My older sister yesterday went home after 10 mins of seeing mum yesterday at hospital and apparently mum had been crying all day! I was left on my own to pick up the pieces so I am being the bigger person and trying to just be there for mum but I was hurt by it.

Oh for fucks sake everyone- give Mrs Os a break- her mum is dying, middle sister is a cunt and older sister is being passive aggressive.

Some posters on this thread should be fucking ashamed of themselves

Oh, and reported. Hopefully HQ can get rid of some of the utter vitriolic clap trap on here

It must be very difficult for you all. I would try to forget about the 'next of kin' issue and let the carehome know that you are living nearby and will be the most likely to be able/willing to get there quickly if needed. That is what they need to know. Also try and take the time to build a relationship with the various carers and managers etc when you visit your mum as that will help ensure they let you know as well as your sisters because they will appreciate how close you are.

I don't see too much vitriolic clap trap

As I lost my mum last week I for one am trying to tell the OP that if she puts herself through such misery and distress she'll be the one who's most hurt.

my older sister is also clearing mums house and said we will get back what we have all given mum and everything else will be sold which is fair but then gave stuff I bought mum to my aunts who came to visit last week. I don't understand why she is doing what's she doing.

Yuck to the really unpleasant posters on here. What the actual fuck? This woman's mother is dying. How dare you!

OP, I agree with the PP who suggested that next of kin should be the one who is closest, and Id contest this. I'm surprised at your older sister as she is aware of the circumstances. Try to stay strong, and be aware that your mum knows exactly who has helped her the most. Not much comfort, I know, but you are doing your best and being very brave in horrendous circumstances.

I'm truly sorry for your loss Sooty. It's one of the most awful things to go through

Sadly there is going to be distress and misery regardless- even more so if cunt sister interferes.

Regardless of the op's feelings, do the wishes of a dying woman not matter?

Look you can only control what you do so just do your best with your DM and spend what time you can with her. Did you consider my suggestion re a group whatsapp so you sisters can communicate? It will help to a) spread out the visits and b) keep you all apart.

It sounds horrendous but I think you are overthinking the emergency contact bit. Just speak to the care home and ask specifically to be contacted in an emergency. Care homes are more personal than hospitals so it shouldn't be a problem.

Try not to waste the precious time left in squabbles no matter how justified you feel.

shes clearly not handling it well mrs its a tough time

can u not sit down and have a chatwith her just say no need to sort things out now lets do it together

People are just bitches on here they thrive on being nasty to others. I feel sick to my stomach watching my wonderful mum waste away and there is a lot of upset going around our family right now. but if it makes you feel better to be a bitch to me crack on!

Er, does the house really need to be cleared now? Does it need to be sold to cover fees etc?

Sorry to be personal, it just seems like horrible timing

MrsO
This sort of stuff is hard. My bitch of a sister is often put down as DMs NOK. It makes sense as my DF is very hard of hearing even with hearing aids, and as much as I despise her we don't get along she is more local and is very good to DM in terms of care. However she repeatedly tells staff not to give information to me, despite DF requesting they do so if I'm there (we understand the issue with over the phone stuff) and that technically in the pecking order I should be first. She's also ignored my DMs wishes re: last rights (because sister diagrees with them) when DM was that bad once, and because the instruction not to inform me was in place I didn't even find out she was that bad nor could I request them for her. Thankfully DM pulled through but it hurts like hell that I couldn't get DMs wishes fulfilled. That hurts me more than anything else TBH, so I can totally understand why you're feeling this way.

When my mum fell down two days on a bounce and was lying on the floor in agony waiting for an ambulance my older sister called me who lives an hour away to rush over rather than call middle sister who lives 5! Surely that should speak volumes.

You're all over-wrought which is understandable. I don't think your eldest sister meant to upset you with the order of next of kin contacts. She probably answered automatically in age order and felt bad when you called her on it.

Do you have any RL support just now eg a DP? This is a very difficult time and it's easy to misdirect all your anger and upset at your mum's illness on to your sisters but ultimately that won't make you feel better or help your mum. You need someone in RL who can agree your dsis was short-sighted, let you rant and cry, and then you move on. Try to take the attitude of what will you remember in 5 years time about this period and let all the other issues wash over you.

I'm so sorry about your mum

OP, me and my 2 sisters were exactly the same, but I'm the middle one and it was the eldest who fell out with Mum.
Unfortunately, they didn't make it up before she died and both Dad and her didn't want eldest to know when either were sick and when they died.

It was horrible, we knew we had to contact eldest sister but they said they'd disown us if we did.
Obviously, oldest sister fell out with us and said it was because we were grabby bitches and wanted her out of the will. I still have her share in savings in case she ever gets in touch, but she said we'd never hear from her again.

Please keep the peace for your mums sake, isn't she worth it during her last months on earth.
I know it's hard, the squabbling with my dsis nearly sent me over the top. Me and youngest sis get on fine now, it's a very stressful time for you all

Sister want to sell stuff now so we don't have to do it later but I'm finding it hard to find time to do car boots etc. I work full time have a little boy and visit mum when I can and usually most of the weekend. She wants me to put it all on eBay Facebook and do car boots as she doesn't drive. She asks nothing of middle sister who lives around corner And who has car etc.

Your whole op is about you, it's about how horrible everyone is being to you.

All 3 of you need to grow up and support your mum right now so yes you are ALL acting like spoilt brats.

I never wanted to fall out with middle sister I was always there for her I helped raise her kids but she took against me for some reason and that hurt more than you would believe.

thank fuck there are still some decent posters on mn who call out the sanctimonious bitches who seem to get a kick out of being fucking awful!!

sorry op

yes op your older sister is being stupid and high handed. your mum doesnt want your middle sister caring for her as she knows she doesnt give a stuff about her. why your older sister is putting her down as the second next of kin is beyond me, but older sisters tend to think they know it all and dont need us youngest ones advice...at all!!

and all this shit above about pecking order goes right out the window when we are all adults and only some of us gives a shit about what happens to our parents and the others stick their heads in the sand.

so in answer to you op, no, YANBU

Afternoon everyone. Please can we have a bit of peace and love on this thread? The OP is clearly having a tough time of it and we'd appreciate it if you could use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face to face. Thanks.

well said becky

No helpful comments re your situation, but I am so sorry about your mum. You poor thing. You must be devastated.

Get it changed for your Mum's sake!

I'm the youngest of 3 but when my Mum became very ill she wanted me and my DH put down as emergency contact for a special alarm she had for at home.

Then when my Mum was taken into hospital my Mum and Dad put me and my DH down as the first contact.When we lost my Mum my Dad my big Brother(he's the middle child)me and my DH were the one's that helped sort the funeral,me and my DH helped pay for the funeral.
The oldest of the 3 of us had nothing to do with any of it which is what my parents wanted because he's an arsehole!

I think you should all be following your Mother's wishes.

It's your Mum's decision who she nominates as her next of kin, it is not automatically the eldest child. Is she well enough to ask her who she wants to have this role and to be her emergency contact. And have somebody in the date home witness it if your Mum can't sign anything. She is entitled to have the person she wants to advocate for her. Has she given anybody a power of attorney? This might be an idea so that somebody can look after her affairs for the time she has left.