To think my sister is a bitch

[MrsOs]

I'll try and keep it brief. There is me, older sister who lives up north and middle sister.

When my dad died 6 years ago my mum was distraught my middle sister who lived around the corner from mum who is a snotty nose bitch who thinks she is above everyone fell out with us all (mum older sister and me) she took against where mum wanted to cremate dad she thought it was a rough area, refused mum access to her grandchildren and accused me of taking over everything! She even told mum in a letter that dad thought she was horrible! In the end middle sister was removed from being executor of mums will and mum said she didn't want her interfering with anything to do with her if she got sick/ died. There was no contact for 5 years.

I was there to pick mum up and have been there every weekend for 6 yrs to take her shopping and look out for her. Older sister lives far away up north. Mum has been ill since June and has just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease she is dying and it is progressing at an incredible rate. She has been in hospital for a month and now she can't talk, walk, swallowing has gone and bladder isn't working. Everyone said middle sister should be told when she was told said she wasn't interested. But since then has been to see mum a few times in hospital. I think it's fairly tense.

Older sister said don't worry she won't interfere with anything but mum and her need to end things on good terms which I agree with. Older sister btw is a passive aggressive bitch too and we can get along but we argue when she says nasty things and I get upset about it! She can never see she does anything wrong. Turns everything around to be my fault.

So yesterday mum was meant to go to a care home but transport didn't turn up. I went to the care home and older sister was there. She said check the paper work.i did and found she has put middle sister after her as who to contact in an emergency.

I couldn't bloody believe it! Mum wouldn't want that. So if mum was dying and they couldn't raise older sister they will phone the middle sister! Who hasn't given a fig about mum. When I asked why she said I was being paranoid and that she is the next of kin and if I was so worried I should tell them that I should know first because that will make me feel good! So now we aren't talking and I feel so hurt by what's she done. Do I tell mum what's she done and get the paperwork changed?

The older sister all along has been very clear that middle sister should be kept at a distance so I can't understand why she has done this! It really hurts!

Fucking hell, what is wrong with people on here sometimes!

I'm so sorry about your Mum OP, you must be distraught and I can imagine all this carry on with your sisters isn't helping. Please look after yourself.

I don't think being an "emergency contact" gives anyone powers to dictate medical care, does it? I think that's what's to focus on here: who will be deciding things for your mum if she becomes unable to make her own decisions? Obviously that shouldn't be your middle sister, because your mum doesn't want that.

I've been in a similar position OP, when my nan died and one of the children who'd done NOTHING for her was in charge of her affairs. It was painful, and ugly, and if I could go back I would have gently talked to nan about making arrangements that would please her.

What is wrong with some of you?! Even if the OP is being irrational, she is allowed to be. She is losing her mother to a horrific disease and has all this to contend with on top.

for you. MrsO, don't tell your mum. I think it would upset her and you. Can you speak to the care home directly and just explain briefly about the difficult family dynamics? Assuming she has the capacity, they can ask her directly and she can let them know. They don't have to let her know there's been an upset over it; just that they need this important info and want to clarify. It's actually important that they ask anyway because she needs to make as many decisions as she can for her end of life care. My heart goes out to you and your mum. I've worked with quite a few people with MDN and it is one the cruelest diseases. Take care of yourself too.

Sorry you're getting such a hard time on here when you already have enough to cope with. Being kind perhaps older sister was upset and not thinking straight but I agree your name should be there as second contact with middle sister as number three on list if it's possible to extend it. You have been there when middle sister was estranged from your Mum and as things are still tense between them, it makes more sense to have you as second contact. Change the contact details and forget about it, you need all your emotional strength to focus on getting yourself through saying goodbye to your Mum.

You have my sincere sympathies having to go through this and not have your siblings to lean on.

Contact the carehome direct and advise them that there is fallout between your lovely mums daughters and can they please ring you if anything happens as you can't rely on your sister (but of a fib, but they don't need to know that). I'd advise not to discuss this with your mum. Your mum is now at a stage when she needs to be protected from any ill feeling. It achieves nothing and would just cause more pain. Feel breath and know that your mum knows you love her, you have to live with yourself for the rest of your days and can do that happily knowing as an individual you loved and supported your mum. If their is anything of particular personal significance that you hold dear from your mum's home I'd try and get that. So you have access? You could blag access on pretence of helping to clear out the house. The rest of it is just stuff, it's not feasible to keep all your mum's things and they were important to her. I'd not want my kids to keep all my stuff out of a sense of guilt.

You're going through an emotional and stressful time so rational thought isn't going to be an option most of the time. Do you have a husband or boyfriend who is supporting you? It's such a sad time when you have the prospect of losing your remaining parent. I hope you have love and support from somewhere

No helpful advice. But sorry to hear about your mum .

I don't think she's in a care home. The OP said she's in hospital which I imagine must be very distressing.

old. I'm not remotely religious but agree. Forgiveness is everything at a time like this. Poor OP; I think you just have to take the higher ground and know that your mum will remember who was there for her.

I think it's worth contacting the home and having a chat as well; I'm sure they'll agree that as you are closer, it should be you. Deep breaths. Very traumatic time for all of you, and sadly, just as likely to cause conflict as it is to bring family members closer together.

I am to hear about your mum, MND is a horrible illness. Try and put the squabbles with your sisters to one side, and spend some quality time with your mum during her final days. Get emotional support from other people in your life, not your sisters.

What a shitty time for you OP, your mother, your sisters and you have my sympathies

I'm not sure if I missed it somewhere but did your elder sis say why she put middle sis as contact?

I would have a quiet word with the nurses and let them know that the situation is rather tense between you sisters and please can you a) be contacted rather than middle sis first or b) can they make sure both your names are down as emergency contact?

It may be that older sis knew that if a horrible decision had to be made or difficult news to be communicated your middle sis would handle it better/be less emotional which would help to make clearer, quicker decisions, make it easier for the nurses/drs contacting you and also clearer for you snd older sis to get all the information in a clearer less emotional way.

TBH I would leave middle sis to make any difficult decisions but make sure my name was down to contact after.

If possible it might be worth all you sisters to meet at a quiet coffee shop or similar to have a short chat and see if you can all reach a compromise or some sort of amicable relationship at least for now.

Also (sorry if I'm repeating what others have said) the older sister may feel it's her 'responsibility' (being the eldest) to organise this. A bit misplaced, but a determination to take on the role of the 'responsible one'? As an older sibling, I can sort of understand it.

oldfossil has posted that message on a few threads today, best to ignore

Please don't ask the care home to make 3 phone calls in an emergency, nor should they have to sort out who is first / second etc emergency contacts. The 3 of you need to sort this out and quickly.
I'm sorry you are going through this,MND is very very cruel.

I didn't read the whole thread, just the first post but I'm one of three girls and we have exact type same type of bitter, resentful hot/cold relationship with each other and our mother too. Lots of little digs, one upmanship, trying to impress mother while moaning to the other behind anothers back. Dynamics keep changing and one will lead me into a false sense of security where I will open up and then it all gets back to the other party.
It's draining and I predict the exact same outcome when our mother gets older and needs support.
I do think a brother would have been helpful to ground us.

ssd. Ohhhh....

I was trying to be polite. Not really my thing, but I felt obliged to acknowledge as it was a fairly long post. I guess the reasoning still stands, but will heed your advice

So sorry you're going through this and can totally see why you're upset. I can't quite believe some of the unkind reactions you've received on here.

I'm sure you can find a way to speak to your mum and the nursing home without actually stating how useless the sister has been "change to my name as a contact, because I can answer the phone more often and come and see you more quickly". Probably all of you will know what the reality is, but it makes it less awkward to state it more gently.

Others have said that your mum doesn't deserve to have her daughters at loggerheads. You're obviously a caring daughter and know that, I'm not sure you needed to be told! But it's best all round, especially for your mum, if the two contacts are the two people most willing and able to help and make decisions.

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I obviously don't know the ins and outs but is it possible to speak to the medical staff and your mum and make sure you're included as a contact ? You don't have to tell your mum the background about middle sis being included, just confirming with her about contacts. The staff will have seen you being the one who is always there and being the one that has attended to emergencies.

Just as you are trying to do, I would also want to do everything I could to respect my mum's wishes. Hope you're ok.

Op, I don't think your sister has any right to be clearing your Mum's house and disposing of her possessions either by giving, taking or selling. If she doesn't have power of attorney or some explicit instructions from your Mum she is not entitled to do this. It doesn't matter if she is an executor of the will, that doesn't give her any rights while your Mum is still alive. And I think you said you are also named as an executor? So even when the time comes, she can't do anything without your agreement. Disposing of your Mum's things now is theft and you would be right to tell her to stop. At the moment all your focus should be on your Mum, there will be plenty of time later to sort out her house. Being nasty doesn't give either sister the right to just trample over you or your Mum.

Yanbu. Your mum doesn't want middle sister involved in her care, so why is this being ignored? It's about her dignity while she is still here. It also seems strange that your older sister is so keen to get rid of all your mum's things. Is your mum aware that this is happening? It seems very callous to me! Sorry you are having to deal with this. I completely understand your anger and despair. I hope those who think you should "get over it" never know how it feels to see the wishes of a helpless loved one ignored.

This is an acutely distressing time for all of you and each of you will have your own way of doing things, which won't necessarily be the way you do things.

Your older sister seems to have focussed on the 'sorting out' of things. That's her way of coping. Let her carry on. Go to the house and take what you gave your mum and let your sister carry on with what she's doing, helping where you can. Personally, I would advise against a car boot unless any of you are well practised as people haggling over your mums things may be distressing. But if your sister is happy to do one, let her carry on.

Your middle sister seems to have reacted emotionally to your dad's death. It could be all along her relationship with your mother was fraught. Try to think that even though you are sisters you may have had very different experiences and relationships with your parents. That's why you all react differently.

Can you talk to the care home/hospital and make sure that you and your middle sister are both notified if something happens as you are more likely to come and help effectively.

I am so sorry about your mum. I was my nan's carer until she passed away, did all her social services paperwork, organised care package while everyone else stood back wringing their hands. Uncle (eldest) and his wife were furious when she got admitted to hospital that I'd been put as next of kin and changed it - so when they were asked about treating her actively or palliatively, they chose active meaning my nan had 3 more miserable weeks of life, desperately ill and confused and sobbing to go home. As it turned out, they'd taken control of her bank account and fleeced her blind - and they got 3 weeks more money out of her at the end. It literally nearly killed me at the time, I was so so angry but now i look back, it's on their consciences not mine and everything I did for her, I did for love and not money. I'm proud of my choices and actions, something they will never be able to say. And that means more than anything to me. Do what your mum needs from you, enjoy every precious moment you spend with her and let your two sisters get on with it. They will never be the people you want them to be, and life really is too short and precious to spend it raging and arguing. You sound a far nicer person, and you should be proud of that. I hope your mum gets a peaceful end. And I would take legal advice over anyone trying to dispose of your mums assets before she passes away - that really isn't right and i think you could get a stop put to it.

OP, I suggest you tell your sister to slow right down on the sale of items if there's no pressing financial need to do so. It will be easier to tackle in a few weeks/months time after your mum has gone. And from my own experience and that of friends, doing such things in a hurry and so perhaps letting go of items too easily that might have been of value (sentimental or otherwise) can form more lasting regret and bitterness. Which you really don't need.

You are busy, you are grieving, there is no hurry to get to these 'administrative' tasks. Good luck.

Thanks for the nice caring posters. Im going to see my mum now she was transferred to the nursing home this afternoon and i think she will be really scared and upset. Im sorry but my older sister yesterday said you get on with it now and ill see mum next week! Are these really words of someone that cares.. I do wholeheartedly agree that i need to stop worrying about their shit and focus on my mum the most important person in all this!