To ask DH to change day out

[BonitaApplebaum]

Nc'd for this as very outing

MIL has terminal brain tumours, currently at her home but has only months left, she's unsteady on her feet, repetitive and has occasional seizures but otherwise ok.

She volunteers at a large central London tourist attraction and wants DH and her to go with 3 DCs during half term.

I have asked him not to, and instead wait until another adult can go (I can't get the day off work to go too early), as:

• she will be in a wheelchair
  
• they will have to get cab, train, bus/cab either way, a good hour and a half in either direction
  

-if she gets taken ill (which could happen, her seizures are not totally controlled) he will have to send her off in ambulance alone, to a hospital a good 1.5 hours away from her/our homes

• She will also not manage more than a couple of hours as she tires so easily now
  

I have suggested instead they go to one of myriad local attractions he can drive directly to/from that is nearer her house/hospital/hospice/husband if she dies get taken ill, that will be less intense then we find another weekend we can all go to 'her' place so I can be in charge of DCs and he his mum.

So, AIBU?

DCs are 11, 9, 7

[Peanutandphoenix]

YABU the poor woman is dying and your trying deny her what could possibly be one last outting with her DS and DGC all because you think she'a narc and only wants to show her gc off so fucking what let her if it's going to make her happy. It is up to DH and MIL to decide whether she can handle the trip or not it's not up to you. Slagging your MIL off makes you sound and look like a complete and utter heartless twat. I really hope that when the time comes you can find enough compassion within yourself to comfort and help your grieving DH through what is going to be the worst and hardest thing ever.

[Seasideseaside]

Yabu. It's for your DH to decide not you I'm afraid

You say in your update that mil and her DH lost a child. Why is that relevant? This time the children are going with mil and your DH there own father and presumably as you had DC with him he knows how to look after them?
The 9& 11 year old should definitely know not to walk off by now
The 7 year old might need a little extra watching, but they should know not to walk off to really
I can't see why 1 adult can't cope with 3 children of them ages, if they was todddlers it would be different

Don't slag off a dying women, it doesn't make you look good. Maybe now is the time to put those feelings to bed......

[SquawkFish]

YABVVU to deny your husband what could be the last opportunity to do something with his mother and his kids.

I can't believe you would even consider trying to stop this going ahead.

[LottieL]

Your MIL doesn't sound like the narc here, I'm afraid.

[SpookyPumpkinTime]

Of course it would be unreasonable.

Glad to see you've decided to leave it up to your DH, as that's what she should of done in he first place.

Your children are not little tots, all of them ages should no not to walk off really. I'm sure your DH can take care of his own children, I mean you wouldn't of had children with him otherwise would you

I don't like people showing off my DC but if somebody was dying I'd allow it as let's face it they won't get another chance will they?

Don't slag off your dying mil as you just look very cold. Maybe now is the time to put that feeling out of your mind!

When she does please remember that whatever you think of her your DH will of lost his Mum and he will grieve, he might need support in that so please put your feeling about mil aside

[CommunistLegoBloc]

A thread doesn't go your way so you ask for it to be deleted?

[Olympiathequeen]

I can understand your concern but fortunately your DC are old enough in a crisis to stay with their dad. I'd talk to them beforehand and your dh about what to do in the event of an incident.

[DramaQueenofHighCs]

TBH I understabd your concerns - but with brain tumours things can suddenly go wrong (as you suggested yourself) so postponing for a week could mean they can't go if she gets ill. Also, have you actually asked for time off for compassionate leave (rather than just leave for a day out?)? You say you can't take time off, but not why.
I understand your reasons but YABU if your DH thinks he can manage then let him.

[ilovesooty]

Because the OP asks them to I imagine.

[Choochootrain43]

Yabu

It was always up to your DH to decide, you didn't need a thread on mumsnet to tell you that

Delaying is all well and good but mil could get worse or die anytime, just because the doctors said a few months doesn't mean she'll live that long. You can't really delay something for a dying person

Your DC are not babies, they should know to stay with the adult on days out by now really

Maybe mil does want to show of the grandchildren, but she's dying so unfortunately she won't get many more chances. So what's the problem?

Don't slag off a dying wome, she's only got a few months to live surely now is the time to put your issues to bed....

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Glad you decided to step back OP, it's the right thing to do.

[llangennith]

YANBU. You're letting your dislike of MIL cloud your judgement. Let them go and do it with good grace.
As kids my sister and I were very aware that our DM hated her MIL even though she never said so.
Therefore we didn't tell DM how much we actually liked our Nan and how much we enjoyed being with her.
Your DC may feel like that.

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

Hm. I can understand your concern. But obviously this matters to DH and you can't really dictate to him what he does with his own children when he is responsible for them (unless it's something outrageously dangerous or inappropriate!). Also assuming no SEN your children are old enough to take some responsibility for not getting lost. They need to not wander off on their own and make sure they can always see DH etc.

Rather than trying to prevent the trip, perhaps you can focus on ways to reduce the likelihood of problems. E.g. work out how/why the children got lost previously and think of ways to prevent that.

It's difficult when someone you don't get along with becomes ill. Sometimes they will have a change of heart, but being terminally ill doesn't automatically make someone a better person. Obviously there's a lot of history here, but ultimately it's up to your DH whether he spends time with her.

Presumably MIL knows there is a risk she will have to go to hospital and that DH wouldn't be able to accompany her in the ambulance. So if she has accepted those risks, it's not really your concern.

[CantThinkOfOne35]

It's up to your DH.

You can't really delay something for someone that is dying, there is no guarantee they will be alive next week or the one after.

Your children are 7,9,11 I can't see why 1 adult can't cope with children of them ages. Especially the older 2 must know not to walk off by now surely.

Who cares if she wants to show the children off? She's dying so I'd allow it why wouldn't you? Grandparents are meant to show there grandchildren off and she won't get many more chances

Slagging off a dying women, not a classy thing to do

[ilovesooty]

Sorry Navy I don't think I put that over very well. I think quite a few threads have been deleted recently just because the OP has gone stropping and whining to MNHQ. I've a feeling this might be one of them. I don't think her identity has been compromised either.

[rainbowstardrops]

I think you lost people when you started criticising your terminally ill MIL OP. Not on

[CanIhveThisOnePkease]

I'm glad to see your leaving it up to your DH, as that's how it should of been from the start you didn't need a mumsnet thread to make you see that.

Your children at them ages should know not to walk off, and stay insight of the adult by now surely.
You had DC with him so I assume your DH is able to take care of his own children

You can't really delay anyway and there is no guarantee she will even be here in a week or so.

You need to remember that whatever you feel for your mil, DH is losing his Mum and you only get one Mum. So I think it's time to put them feeling aside and focus on supporting your DH as he gets closer to losing his
Mum

[ohtheholidays]

I do understand where your coming from OP!

Those that ask whats the worse that could happen,well the MIL could die in front of her 3 still very young Grandchildren and they could be left emotionally scarred for life!

Is your DH not worried about the worst happening OP?

With your Mum I'd tell her to block they're phone numbers,there's no excuse for that behaviour from your DH's parents!

[Blu]

I hope the day goes well, OP.
Make sure all your kids know what to do if they get lost. Give them all a slip of paper with your DH's mobile number on it.
I do understand your concern and think your DH is bonkers to take the 4 of them without help when he could have the option to wait, but in the end , that's his choice. And he is a parent too.

Tell the kids that they MUST stick together, that this is an adventure for Dad to take Granny out, they are all one team but Dad is leader, keep him in sight, help him, do what he asks.

[RedcarBluecar73]

Yabu, but I am glad to read that you've left it up to your DH as that is what should of happened from the start.

Your DC at them ages should know that that don't walk off anyway but you could have a reminder chat with them and make it clear again.

Your feelings on your mil (who's one minute a narc then an amazing person just not maternal) need to be pushed aside. Now is about supporting your DH as he looses his Mum

[yellowcirclegreencircle71]

It's up to your DH.
With children on them ages I don't see your concern as they should know by now not to walk off and you can have a talk with them and make sure they know, give them something with DH mobile number on to keep on them. 1 adult should be able to cope given the DC ages. If the DC were small my reply would however be different.

I think yabu to try and delay as there is no guarantee the women will even be alive then

Is your mil a narc ( very over used on mumsnet, does anyone actually know what it means) or an amazing women? Surely she can't be both?

No need to slag off a dying women. Just remember that your DH is losing his Mum

[pictish]

"I'll leave it to DHs judgement"

Yes...quite. That you thought you might do otherwise in the first place is galling.
Fgs.