To ask DH to change day out

[BonitaApplebaum]

Nc'd for this as very outing

MIL has terminal brain tumours, currently at her home but has only months left, she's unsteady on her feet, repetitive and has occasional seizures but otherwise ok.

She volunteers at a large central London tourist attraction and wants DH and her to go with 3 DCs during half term.

I have asked him not to, and instead wait until another adult can go (I can't get the day off work to go too early), as:

• she will be in a wheelchair
  
• they will have to get cab, train, bus/cab either way, a good hour and a half in either direction
  

-if she gets taken ill (which could happen, her seizures are not totally controlled) he will have to send her off in ambulance alone, to a hospital a good 1.5 hours away from her/our homes

• She will also not manage more than a couple of hours as she tires so easily now
  

I have suggested instead they go to one of myriad local attractions he can drive directly to/from that is nearer her house/hospital/hospice/husband if she dies get taken ill, that will be less intense then we find another weekend we can all go to 'her' place so I can be in charge of DCs and he his mum.

So, AIBU?

DCs are 11, 9, 7

[TheNaze73]

YABU in so many levels OP. Some of the things you have said about your MIL are disgusting.

Probably the vileist post I've ever read & then getting the thread pulled, when you realise you are clearly being spiteful, vindictive & nasty and in a minority of one....

Just staggered by your lack of compassion & judgement

[Creampastry]

To be frank she'll be dead soon and your kids are older enough to understand. Yabu

[BowieFan]

*she is dying.

[BowieFan]

Sorry, but your opinion is completely irrelevant and you don't get to have a say. Doesn't matter what she has done over the years, she is his mother and he is dying. It is nothing to do with you. They want to go to an attraction together, why should they have to wait because YOU say so? A week is a long time, anything could happen.

Even if something does happen, so what? Your kids are hardly toddlers and it's not like they wouldn't be able to jump in a cab to follow the ambulance to the hospital, is it?

[MoveItMoveItMoveIt]

You obviously dislike her and are trying to put the spoke in. You are coming across as monumentally spiteful and pretty nasty. Your DH will remember all this after his mother has passed on.

[MoveItMoveItMoveIt]

YABU why the hell would you interfere with something a terminally ill woman wants to do with her family? It's hardly a dangerous thing just a day out? You sound INCREDIBLY controlling.

[MyGiddyUncle]

I think YABU - 11, 9 and 7 are plenty old enough to be self sufficient (to an extent...with 11 year old helping the 7 year old maybe) on a day out.

If they were a lot younger, or there was a toddler in there then i'd agree.

[HereIAm20]

YABU - cabs will only take 5 people so if you end up taking another adult you'd need 2 acbs anyway. Your kids are old enough to do as they are told and to help.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Or just an insensitive arse perhaps? OP has capitulated, why are you now posting that, Skipping? You have no idea whether OP's MIL is a 'narc' - a true one or otherwise. Many if not all of us have dealt with self-absorbed and selfish people though... does that count or is it only this 'label' that holds any water for you?

[SkippingPages]

You've had a hard time on this thread OP, mainly due to the apparent breaking of taboo around 'mother'. People who haven't had to deal with a true narc usually react this way, so try not to take it personally.

[IzzyIsBusy]

YABU regarding mil

YABU to have the thread pulled because you did not get the responses you wanted.

[Ncbecauseitshard]

If she rarely asks to see him then asking for this must be a big deal. Could your husband take a friend along?

[pictish]

"I'll leave it to DHs judgement"

Yes...quite. That you thought you might do otherwise in the first place is galling.
Fgs.

[yellowcirclegreencircle71]

It's up to your DH.
With children on them ages I don't see your concern as they should know by now not to walk off and you can have a talk with them and make sure they know, give them something with DH mobile number on to keep on them. 1 adult should be able to cope given the DC ages. If the DC were small my reply would however be different.

I think yabu to try and delay as there is no guarantee the women will even be alive then

Is your mil a narc ( very over used on mumsnet, does anyone actually know what it means) or an amazing women? Surely she can't be both?

No need to slag off a dying women. Just remember that your DH is losing his Mum

[RedcarBluecar73]

Yabu, but I am glad to read that you've left it up to your DH as that is what should of happened from the start.

Your DC at them ages should know that that don't walk off anyway but you could have a reminder chat with them and make it clear again.

Your feelings on your mil (who's one minute a narc then an amazing person just not maternal) need to be pushed aside. Now is about supporting your DH as he looses his Mum

[Blu]

I hope the day goes well, OP.
Make sure all your kids know what to do if they get lost. Give them all a slip of paper with your DH's mobile number on it.
I do understand your concern and think your DH is bonkers to take the 4 of them without help when he could have the option to wait, but in the end , that's his choice. And he is a parent too.

Tell the kids that they MUST stick together, that this is an adventure for Dad to take Granny out, they are all one team but Dad is leader, keep him in sight, help him, do what he asks.

[ohtheholidays]

I do understand where your coming from OP!

Those that ask whats the worse that could happen,well the MIL could die in front of her 3 still very young Grandchildren and they could be left emotionally scarred for life!

Is your DH not worried about the worst happening OP?

With your Mum I'd tell her to block they're phone numbers,there's no excuse for that behaviour from your DH's parents!

[CanIhveThisOnePkease]

I'm glad to see your leaving it up to your DH, as that's how it should of been from the start you didn't need a mumsnet thread to make you see that.

Your children at them ages should know not to walk off, and stay insight of the adult by now surely.
You had DC with him so I assume your DH is able to take care of his own children

You can't really delay anyway and there is no guarantee she will even be here in a week or so.

You need to remember that whatever you feel for your mil, DH is losing his Mum and you only get one Mum. So I think it's time to put them feeling aside and focus on supporting your DH as he gets closer to losing his
Mum

[rainbowstardrops]

I think you lost people when you started criticising your terminally ill MIL OP. Not on

[ilovesooty]

Sorry Navy I don't think I put that over very well. I think quite a few threads have been deleted recently just because the OP has gone stropping and whining to MNHQ. I've a feeling this might be one of them. I don't think her identity has been compromised either.

[CantThinkOfOne35]

It's up to your DH.

You can't really delay something for someone that is dying, there is no guarantee they will be alive next week or the one after.

Your children are 7,9,11 I can't see why 1 adult can't cope with children of them ages. Especially the older 2 must know not to walk off by now surely.

Who cares if she wants to show the children off? She's dying so I'd allow it why wouldn't you? Grandparents are meant to show there grandchildren off and she won't get many more chances

Slagging off a dying women, not a classy thing to do

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

Hm. I can understand your concern. But obviously this matters to DH and you can't really dictate to him what he does with his own children when he is responsible for them (unless it's something outrageously dangerous or inappropriate!). Also assuming no SEN your children are old enough to take some responsibility for not getting lost. They need to not wander off on their own and make sure they can always see DH etc.

Rather than trying to prevent the trip, perhaps you can focus on ways to reduce the likelihood of problems. E.g. work out how/why the children got lost previously and think of ways to prevent that.

It's difficult when someone you don't get along with becomes ill. Sometimes they will have a change of heart, but being terminally ill doesn't automatically make someone a better person. Obviously there's a lot of history here, but ultimately it's up to your DH whether he spends time with her.

Presumably MIL knows there is a risk she will have to go to hospital and that DH wouldn't be able to accompany her in the ambulance. So if she has accepted those risks, it's not really your concern.

[llangennith]

YANBU. You're letting your dislike of MIL cloud your judgement. Let them go and do it with good grace.
As kids my sister and I were very aware that our DM hated her MIL even though she never said so.
Therefore we didn't tell DM how much we actually liked our Nan and how much we enjoyed being with her.
Your DC may feel like that.