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AIBU?

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'It might not have been rape, she might have had sex and regretted it afterwards'

1002 replies

BravoHopeful · 21/10/2016 10:29

This statement makes no sense. If you had consensual sex and the next day regretted it, why on earth would you go through the whole horrible experience of reporting it to the police and everything that follows? You would just move on and put it behind you.

It's always trotted out as a likely explanation in 'date rape' type cases. But it makes no sense whatsoever. AIBU?

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 22/10/2016 12:51

Yes, it's known as the Gibson moment.

Felascloak · 22/10/2016 12:58

saying that women who have had a bit to drink shouldn't have sex is over the top.
I don't think anyone said that! I think if a man isn't sure that the woman is fit to consent it's safer for both not to have sex.

Boolovessulley · 22/10/2016 13:06

Growapear- all my recent sexual experiences have included the man asking if I wanted sex, thus establishing consent.

I find the sentence stating that women enjoy sex sometimes laughable, I want to enjoy sex every single time it happens, and I do.
Amongst my close friends this is their opinion too.

The fact that I have great consensual sexual with Men I want to fuck does not in any way shape or form mean that i would want Sex with anyone. Absolutely not, I have rejected advances from men more times than I care to remember.

I worry that as women we will have to get far more aggressive and basically tell men to fuck off you ugly cunt, I'm not remotely interested in you. Harsh but if it comes down to it id much rather hurt a mans feelings than risk any personal attack and know that there can be no ambiguity about whether I was in any way shape or form encouraging a mans unwelcome sexual advances.

To conclude, men are hurting other men by their own shitty behaviour and all this bollocks about not knowing whether consent was given.

Boolovessulley · 22/10/2016 13:10

It could also be argued that someone who had previously had a fight actually quite enjoy being battered.

Don't think I've ever heard this as s defence to assault though, strange that.

growapear · 22/10/2016 13:17

I find the sentence stating that women enjoy sex sometimes laughable, I want to enjoy sex every single time it happens, and I do.

I think you misunderstood - what i mean is that the rapists defence is that she wanted to have sex, a woman wanting to have sex is not unusual, a woman wanting to be beaten about the head and have her purse taken certainly is. I of course agree that anyone man or woman engaging in sex should be very interested in whether the person that are having it with is enjoying it.

MyGiddyUncle · 22/10/2016 13:43

Of course it does happen, we know that women have been prosecuted for making false allegations. Although it is worth noting that a significant number of these women are very young and often vulnerable, and have had other crimes previously committed against them

Really? Why is that 'worth noting'? Would it be worth noting in the case of a man that was accused of rape?

Just as there should be no excuses for men that rape, there should be no excuses made for women that falsely accuse IMO. Both are scumbags and should be treated as such.

Fantome · 22/10/2016 13:59

So according to MyGiddyUncle, the minuscule number of women who falsely accuse men of rape (a number so low to even mention it is to perpetuate rape myths really) are on the same level as these men for example? www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-37510257

TheSparrowhawk · 22/10/2016 15:36

'Having reached a "mature" age I can say that I have never asked before sex any question remotely like "is it ok if I stick..." or " can i put" or "do you want to have like...penetrative.." Although being a sensible young man I did find on the occasion that my partner didn't want to have "full" sex that using condoms provides the perfect opportunity to establish this really. Does it not ? I've had a few one night stands and I think the women i was with seemed to enjoy it, i certainly hope that they would, that was of course my intention smile I have never believed that verbal consent needs to be obtained before each "escalation" and I just can't understand a sexual situation where it would be.'

This is exactly the sort of bullshit I'm talking about. Women say men should establish consent and you have (apparently) normal men homing in one detail, such as verbal consent, and making out like it's some sort of burdensome requirement that they can't possibly fulfil.

Growapear, it's normal for two people who are touching and kissing each other to talk, make sounds, smile, laugh, etc. All of those things establish consent, either verbally or nonverbally. It's not at all complicated. A woman who is actively participating, smiling, kissing back, clearly enjoying herself, is consenting. A woman who doesn't smile, doesn't make eye contact, isn't really kissing back, seems uncomfortable, doesn't initiate any of the activity herself, is likely not to be consenting. It's very very straightforward. And yet men for some reason like to make out it's very complicated and women are asking for too much. Why on earth is that the case?

TheSparrowhawk · 22/10/2016 15:37

To add, in the case where the woman seems uncomfortable all a man needs to do is to open his mouth and say 'Are you ok?' That's not at all difficult or complicated either. And yet, some men also seem to think they can't possibly manage that.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 22/10/2016 16:05

Agree with sparrowhawk

To be fair all this talk about how men cant read signals and may need consent in writing to make sure that they are not raping anybody makes men sound pretty fucking stupid. I am wondering how they managed all this building empires and inventing things (not all men Grin) when as a class they are so fucking stupid

growapear · 22/10/2016 16:06

Growapear- all my recent sexual experiences have included the man asking if I wanted sex, thus establishing consent.

Sure, but pretending that this is the only way that consent can be established isn't right. Supposing a ONS stand type situation I would be thinking if I felt like I had to ask "do you want to have sex with me?" then chances are I would already feel she wasn't that keen on me or the idea and leave it. People are probably a bit shy about saying that out loud (I would be when i was 21) make of that what you will. With my wife it's different and "wanna have sex?" is much easier to come out with if you know what i mean now that we know each other so well. I have managed to avoid any rape accusations but then part of the enjoyment of sex is that other person is enjoying it as well i would have thought.

DeleteOrDecay · 22/10/2016 16:34

Sure, but pretending that this is the only way that consent can be established isn't right.

No one is saying that this is the only way to consent.

Yet another person trying to complicate consent when it really is very simple.

DeleteOrDecay · 22/10/2016 16:36

touching and kissing each other to talk, make sounds, smile, laugh, etc. All of those things establish consent, either verbally or nonverbally.

A woman who is actively participating, smiling, kissing back, clearly enjoying herself, is consenting.

See above for examples of consent.

growapear · 22/10/2016 16:59

Yet another person trying to complicate consent when it really is very simple.

eh ? Confused

growapear · 22/10/2016 16:59

Did you read my posts DeleteOrDecay ?

growapear · 22/10/2016 17:06

Apolgies if Boolovessulley did not mean to contrast her consent with my example.

PinkyOfPie · 22/10/2016 18:54

I have posted this on another thread about rape but I'm also posting it here because I think it's relevant in response to the many people saying an accusation which leads to a not guilty verdict "ruins lives".

This story is about a teacher who, in a swimming pool changing room, flashed his erection at a woman and her 2 children. He denied the offence consistently but due to "a number of inconsistencies in his evidence" (quote from the police) the jury took just 35 minutes to deliver a unanimous guilty verdict.

What do you think happened to this man afterwards? Did he get abused in the street? Shunned by his community? Have his "life ruined"?

No. 1300 people signed a petition for a retrial because they were so sure of his innocence - after all he is a lovely chap who is a good teacher and his wife is pretty so he can't be a sex offender (from comments on his petition). The woman was in a mixed changing room and is ugly so what did she expect? He's really good at his job and doesn't deserve this. This is from colleagues, pupils, and parents of pupils. And according to his mum, the school was really supportive of him Hmm

I just wanted to remind people that not everyone tows the hypothetical "he has been accused so he must be guilty and we'll throw stones at him in the street" line.

PinkyOfPie · 22/10/2016 18:54

Oh and on the other thread none of the apologists have commented on this story which I posted a few days ago. Funny that

Felascloak · 22/10/2016 19:24

Confused Angry

AVirginLitTheCandle · 22/10/2016 19:27

Don't hold your breath on anyone answering you Pinky

Thefishewife · 22/10/2016 20:02

poster TheSparrowhawk Sat 22-Oct-16 15:36:10

Agreed I have never been asked please may I have sex with yu now
I I have never been asked " dear wife shall we make love now by my husband" I have not been raped

We clearly know that men rape women but to say that no women has ever lied to either get her self out of a sticky situation or to ruin Somone is just ridiculous and to say well why would a women go though all that

Women fake pregnancy , lie about having had abortions Ect so it's not inconsevible a women would lie about rape

And to say evey man who is accused of rape is guilty of it just because they have been accused is very dangerous

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 22/10/2016 20:05

Thank goodness no one said that then fish

AVirginLitTheCandle · 22/10/2016 20:11

And to say evey man who is accused of rape is guilty of it just because they have been accused is very dangerous

Who said that every man accused of rape is automatically guilty?

Thefishewife · 22/10/2016 20:13

And if we truly belive if you are accused of somthing then you are guilty even if it's tested in a court of law

Then please tell me if your accused of a crime will you bother will a qc or a court and one would imagine you will accpect guilt

Because after all being accused means guilt saying women never lie about rape is as dangerous as saying men never rape women

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 22/10/2016 20:14

No one said that either

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