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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... not to rush to see my sisters new baby?

39 replies

lostowl · 20/10/2016 18:45

My sister is due to have a baby end of November. We are due to move in our new house then and obviously it's close to Christmas. She expects me with my oh and 2 dcs to travel over 250 miles to see her newborn. It's going to cost us nearly £500 for hotel, petrol, food and at least one outing to sightsee and my oh doesn't drive.

I'm not jumping at the idea either because when my dc was born instead of coming to see me and new baby. she went to a 30th, for pissed and then flew abroad for work -- she didn't meet my dc until he was 6 months old.

My mom can't see my side (of course) and made me feel bad.

what would you do and please be honest.

OP posts:
T0ddlerSlave · 20/10/2016 18:47

Does she live near anyone you know? I'd probably go but just myself. Doesn't sound like you're necessarily have the kind of relationship where you should feel pressured to if you don't want to though.

melibu84 · 20/10/2016 18:48

It doesn't sound like you're that close, to be honest. If I was in your situation, I wouldn't go to see the baby either.

AddToBasket · 20/10/2016 18:49

Why do you have to all go? Can't you go alone?

AyeAmarok · 20/10/2016 18:50

I think go alone.

Arfarfanarf · 20/10/2016 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BolshierAryaStark · 20/10/2016 18:50

No I wouldn't go & I'd tell my mum to mind her own fucking business, but that's me.

TheField65 · 20/10/2016 18:50

I'm sorry your sister treated you so badly when your child was born. I think, much as you might want to play an eye for an eye, you can't, and you will have to stomach making a quick visit as soon as possible.

Point out at every opportunity how your sister didn't see your new baby until your new baby was pretty much sitting up though.

I feel for you because this is the sort of thing that happens to me.

Coughingchildren5 · 20/10/2016 18:51

YANBU But you need to make sure you are ok to be treated as a lesser sister for not making the effort! Do you really all have to go? Can't just you go and then make another whole family trip at a more convenient time next year?

hotdiggedy · 20/10/2016 18:52

Don't go. Easy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2016 18:52

I'd break this down into two specific reasons:

  1. Cost, husband doesn't drive, long journey, general disruption whilst moving;
and
  1. Sister made no effort to see your child until he was six months old.

I think it's 2 rather than 1 that's rankled and I think you should be honest with yourself - and your mother - about your reasons. 1 would be the more 'acceptable' whilst 2 will probably be your guiding reason for not going.

If you don't want to then don't - and don't feel obligated to go - and just tell your sister straight that she can expect an echo of the effort that she makes.

ThatStewie · 20/10/2016 18:54

Do you want to go? If you don't and your Dsis or DM will pull out all the emotional blackmail, then just keep changing the subject. Don't engage. Just make mmm noises. Sometimes it's just easier to ignore the issue rather than just come out with a straight no to people who think the earth revolves around them. Just be breezy, noncommittal and start babbling about your cat/ crochet/ cheese obsession.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/10/2016 18:58

Tell her not to be ridiculous. You can't bring two children to see a newborn in the middle of cold and flu season!

KC225 · 20/10/2016 18:59

Moving is hellishly expensive, all those bits and bobs run up. I wouldn't run to go and see her either. Send a nice gift and a card, and explain your reasons ie moving, expense so close to Christmas etc .

As the poster upthread said when things things have settled down, go by yourself. Your reasons for not rushing are valid and if she or your mum gets snippy remind them she didn't she your baby till it was 6 months.

Akire · 20/10/2016 19:03

Can't you go on train for the day? That's about 3hours on train there for few hours then back home. How old are your kids? Does she really want your two running around being kids while newborn is trying to sleep?? It dosnt sound like you are that close it could be torture been there for days trying to think of things to say.

user1471453601 · 20/10/2016 19:04

Honest? Do you think your sister was reasonable to see your child for the first time at six months old? If so, do what she did. If not do what you had hoped she would have done.

Scoring points is a worthless game

CaptainCapybara · 20/10/2016 19:08

I think YANBU. My BIL and his partner had DC1 a few years ago, DH and I went to visit asap and took an expensive present. When our DC was born they didn't bother to come and sent a pack of supermarket babygros via MIL. When their DC2 was born they got the same treatment in return from us. I know it sounds petty but you reap what you sow in life.

Serialweightwatcher · 20/10/2016 19:10

I wouldn't go - can't you skype each other or something. If your mum is that bothered ask her to pay for the trip

PumpkinOfLinus · 20/10/2016 19:13

Don't go. Ludicrous amount of money

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2016 19:16

I'd go on my own if you can't afford for all of you to go.

One of my sisters didn't come to see either my DS2 or DD until they were a few months old and it really hurt me TBH.

When she had her DD, I went to see her within the first few days (once she was home and said it was OK for people to visit). I wanted to see her & my new niece. I've never asked her why she didn't visit us, I've always assumed she's one of those people who don't find other people's babies very interesting Grin.

StCecilia · 20/10/2016 19:17

Don't go & I'd remind your mum of when she visited your DCs!

When my nieces were born I went asap to see them and my brother was the same for my DCs. TBH you don't sound overly bothered so if I were you I'd concentrate on your own immediate family & buns to her.

You have nothing to feel guilty for, however be warned it could get a whole lot worse now she has her PFB. Start as you mean to go on WineBrewFlowers

Doilooklikeatourist · 20/10/2016 19:27

We lived 200 miles from family when our 2nd baby was born
Parents came to stay to help
One sister drove over with her 2 sons ( 10 and 8 ) she was a single parent when baby was about 10 days old
MIL came after 3 weeks ( princess Diana died that week , we cried together )
The other didn't visit , and only saw the baby when we went to my parents when it was 12 weeks old

Doilooklikeatourist · 20/10/2016 19:27

So , don't go
It's too far , you've too much going on and you can't afford to

2kids2dogsnosense · 20/10/2016 19:28

You can't bring two children to see a newborn in the middle of cold and flu season!

This!^^

Surely she doesn't want to expose her PFB to all of the vile bacteria your family are going to be carrying about with them, never mind all the extra ones they are likely to pick up on a 250 mile journey? After all, you have no idea what sort of Typhoid Mary you might be sitting next to on the train/plane/bus.

Also point out that it is going to be horrendously expensive to you and you ca't afford it. You will really look forward to some pictures on FB, or the opportunity to Skype with them.

EweAreHere · 20/10/2016 19:29

Go when it's convenient and affordable for you and your family, and not a day earlier.

Ignore your mum. And if your sister has a go, remind her that she couldn't be bothered to meet your oldest until they'd passed the 6 month mark and you never raised a fuss (right? you didn't, right?). So what on earth is her problem! You'll come when you can. You have a life and family of your own to lead, just like she did when you were starting your own family.

Dontpanicpyke · 20/10/2016 19:32

Of course not. Tell her you can't afford it and Skype.

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