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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be on tap childcare

127 replies

Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 17:57

I'm just wondering how best to handle the situation. I have three children all school/pre school aged. I'm currently a sahm so obviously I am here every school holiday, and my dh works.

One of my cousins, who I'd say I'm fairly close to also has three children, one toddler and two school aged children. I love her to bits but quite frankly I'm sick of her asking me to have her kids every school holiday. The baby stays in nursery throughout the week whilst she's at work but she claims her older two children will not go to holiday club, sports clubs etc and point blank refuse. I don't mind having them every now and again and she doesn't ask me to have them every day at half term, but still, I want one school holiday were I just spend it with my own kids.

I previously worked full time and my kids had no choice to go to holiday club becusse I refused to just dump them on family. One because it wouldn't be fair to expect them just drop their whole week to help and two because my kids would most likely be bored just sat at their grandparents, aunts, uncles house. I saved up in between each half term and paid for them to be looked after yet my cousin automatically thinks she can use me as unpaid childcare.

I've told her before that I can't always help out and she said well it won't be all week and after all you're at home with your kids. I don't believe for a second her kids refuse to go to holiday club, she just wants to save money, and even if they did refuse, tough, she's the parent not them.

I love to take my kids out during the school holidays and to be honest it's pain in the arse if I have her two kids as it costs me more (she never gives me any money for them) and as they're older all the stuff I suggest doing they think is babyish. I've told my cousin this and that I don't think they really enjoy coming as my kids are younger and she just shrugs it off saying oh they have fun. I dread each holiday as every tome I make plans she always phones asking when I'm free to have them. She plays the struggling single parent card to often but at the end of the day she works full time on a wage similar to my dh so she can't be doing too badly and can certainly afford appropriate childcare. Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
FeelingSmurfy · 20/10/2016 21:38

Sure we are going to (insert something her kids are too old for like peppa pig world) today so that will just be x for their tickets, x for transport, oh and x for lunch. Shall we just call it (way more than childcare)Y? I will need it beforehand, can only afford for us

Then smile when you realise the phone has been put down Wink

Cherrysoup · 20/10/2016 21:48

Your incessant questioning when I say No inclines me to make that a permanent no.

Beautiful, do it.

Don't justify, don't explain, just say no. I'm appalled that she's never given you money for food/entrance fees. Does she think you're rich?! She's a pisstaker and I'm afraid I'd be having a row with her.

2kids2dogsnosense · 20/10/2016 21:50

Smurfy

There's a Peppa Pig World ??????

QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 22:02

peppapigworld.co.uk/

dustarr73 · 20/10/2016 22:19

The problem being if you give excuses people find a way around them.Just say you sont want to do it.What are you worried about.She is doing this knowing its upsetting you.She doesnt care,so you have to do the right thing.Put your kids first.

saltededamummy · 21/10/2016 06:48

PP, I started my post with YANBU.
My point was that as this person is close family, IMO the longer term would be best served by making it clear that OP was caring for the cousins this half term for the last time & for their sakes only. That wd avoid any immediate crisis re how selfish the OP is - which clearly she is not, but you know how things can be twisted & then become ingrained in family myth & legend.

SquinkiesRule · 21/10/2016 07:49

You might want to warn your Mom op that was you are both saying no

Hissy · 21/10/2016 07:57

No lies, no convoluted excuses, keep it simple, just say no! Stuff what she says! Agree with pp, bluntly here you are the problem here, you don't stand up for your own down time with your children.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 08:20

I would be way past saying no to a pisstaker like this, cousin or not.

I would be having serious words with anyone who tried to take the piss out of my mother like that.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 08:21

And no, you are not the problem here.

It is not OK to take advantage of people just because they struggle to stop you.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2016 08:36

I've recommended this book on here before. It's a good read and contains useful lessons in standing up for yourself without being abrasive. Do get hold of a copy if you can.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 21/10/2016 08:48

'Sorry, it's not convenient anymore. I simply can't afford to pay for your childrens' days out. If they're happy going to attractions that are far too young for them, they'll be happy at kids club (or whatever else...)'.

Or, alternatively 'sorry, that isn't going to work for us anymore. We have commitments. But I have the listings for some local childcare'. And then employ the broken record technique - 'its a real shame isn't it but the best I can do is this list of childcare providers'.

She's taking advantage of your good nature, knows exactly what she's doing and will continue to do so without a very clear 'no more'. If she's happy to let her kids dictate what they will and won't do with their holiday time, then she can take the same from you.

Good luck - stay strong!

Willow2016 · 21/10/2016 09:29

Just keep repeating "Which part of No I am not doing it any more dont you understand"?

Her kids, she has plenty time to arrange childcare, holidays are known weeks in advance and their are holiday clubs she could use, she is just taking the p big time. Free childcare, free entertainment for her kids, she gets 'child free days' to go off on jollies meh...tell her to woman up and parent her own kids.

DianaMitford · 21/10/2016 10:03

I don't mind confrontation at all but I would find this situation terribly hard to deal with.

I've given it a lot of thought and my response would be along the lines of:

"Look, X, I realise that we've fallen into a pattern where I'm doing a lot of childcare for you during the holidays. I love you and I think your kids are great, but the whole arrangement doesn't work for me any more. I'm finding it too much of a handful and trying to entertain children of different ages is proving very difficult. So I've decided from this point onwards that I'll be spending the holidays with just my three. I'm sorry if this upsets you but I've made the decision and I won't be changing my mind."

SapphireStrange · 21/10/2016 10:07

Your mistake is getting into discussions, as others have said. Don't get into 'why, what are you doing?' etc. Just 'Sorry, I can't have them.' Repeat as necessary.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2016 10:15

"She'd ask me directly what I was doing and why couldn't I have them. She's a bit funny like that."
Why? Because I don't want to. I've told you many times before that I am not your childcare. Make other arrangements because I am not having them.

She's being rude to you, so stop being so polite to her. Be blunt. Very blunt. Insert 'piss off' wherever it suits.

2kids2dogsnosense · 21/10/2016 17:02

Thank you for the link QueenLizIII

Can't believe that I haven't been aware of what must be the Entertainment Hub of the Universe!

2kids2dogsnosense · 21/10/2016 17:06

You could always (if it came to it) point out that while she might not enjoy her own children's company, you love spending time with yours - and that's what you want to do during the school holidays - spend time with YOUR children, doing things THEY want to do, without feeling constrained by cost or a pair of miserable older kids who would really rather not be there.

Face it - if she was anything of a mother she wouldn't use ALL of her holidays to have fu with her friends and have pampering days etc - no-one would begrudge her a bit of "me" time, but she seems to want "memememememe" time.

Not on.

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 18:33

You're welcome 2Kids. I want to go and see the ducks there. Grin

JsOtherHalf · 21/10/2016 20:06

I find it can be more expensive to take DS out for the day instead of going to a holiday club.

She is taking money from your children, as your are spending it on her two.

jmh740 · 21/10/2016 20:26

I would be telling her you can't do it as you have plans and I would actually plan things with the children and take your mum with you too so she doesn't get roped in either.

FeelingSmurfy · 22/10/2016 16:44

2kids2dogs I'm glad I wrote that now, I had a few other ideas in my head!

Whatsername17 · 22/10/2016 16:50

"I'm letting you know in advance that I can't have your kids during the holidays. I want to spend some quality time with my three this time."

If she protests, point out you have them every holiday for free, you've done your bit.

saltededamummy · 26/10/2016 16:19

What happened, OP?

CheshireChat · 26/10/2016 17:44

I'd stick to the ' I want to focus on my children' line, maybe explain/ invent their having a hard time. Or just say you're having a hard time and you don't appreciate the fact she's making it worse.

If this doesn't work, please use the permanent no line.