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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be on tap childcare

127 replies

Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 17:57

I'm just wondering how best to handle the situation. I have three children all school/pre school aged. I'm currently a sahm so obviously I am here every school holiday, and my dh works.

One of my cousins, who I'd say I'm fairly close to also has three children, one toddler and two school aged children. I love her to bits but quite frankly I'm sick of her asking me to have her kids every school holiday. The baby stays in nursery throughout the week whilst she's at work but she claims her older two children will not go to holiday club, sports clubs etc and point blank refuse. I don't mind having them every now and again and she doesn't ask me to have them every day at half term, but still, I want one school holiday were I just spend it with my own kids.

I previously worked full time and my kids had no choice to go to holiday club becusse I refused to just dump them on family. One because it wouldn't be fair to expect them just drop their whole week to help and two because my kids would most likely be bored just sat at their grandparents, aunts, uncles house. I saved up in between each half term and paid for them to be looked after yet my cousin automatically thinks she can use me as unpaid childcare.

I've told her before that I can't always help out and she said well it won't be all week and after all you're at home with your kids. I don't believe for a second her kids refuse to go to holiday club, she just wants to save money, and even if they did refuse, tough, she's the parent not them.

I love to take my kids out during the school holidays and to be honest it's pain in the arse if I have her two kids as it costs me more (she never gives me any money for them) and as they're older all the stuff I suggest doing they think is babyish. I've told my cousin this and that I don't think they really enjoy coming as my kids are younger and she just shrugs it off saying oh they have fun. I dread each holiday as every tome I make plans she always phones asking when I'm free to have them. She plays the struggling single parent card to often but at the end of the day she works full time on a wage similar to my dh so she can't be doing too badly and can certainly afford appropriate childcare. Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 18:39

Squirmy I'm not being horrible but that's exactly what she does. She assumes because I'm a sahm and have a dh life is a walk in the park for me. Without going into detail I can assure you it's not and I'm dealing with a lot at the moment. Yet she thinks because she works and parents on her own she is automatically entitled to on tap support and childcare.

OP posts:
ApproachingATunnel · 20/10/2016 18:40

Just say you have things planned with your kids and no, sorry can't have hers. And repeat at nauseum. I would feel hugely resentful in your shoes.

GipsyDanger · 20/10/2016 18:41

Tell her money is tight, if she wants you to look after her kids, she will have to pay you.

Trifleorbust · 20/10/2016 18:44

She's making it impossible for you to save her feelings by being so pushy. It's really not your problem, just say no.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2016 18:44

You are still giving her the opportunity to smash down your objections!

Dont tell her that you are going out, dont say that you dont know what day as that just means she will ring every night to find out!

"no, sorry"
"but why?"
"I just cant, but X is doing a holiday club"
"They wont go"
"Oh, well I am sure you will sort something out. Bye!"

DONT get drawn in
DONT get defensive
DONT give a reason

Original poster
Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 18:44

I love her kids and they are great kids but they aren't into the same things mine are so trying to keep them entertained all day is hard. Plus they seem to refuse every decent meal I make as they are used to eating junk and I have to buy in other food and snacks which is a pain. Like I said she also puts on my mum, who has just retired and although my mum does enjoy having the kids she's hardly a spring chicken and gets tired.

OP posts:
Fruitboxjury · 20/10/2016 18:45

No one is in a position to either judge or demand that you qualify how you spend your time. None of her business.

Does she ever help with your children, for example on a weekend or evening? Have you ever asked, has she ever offered, what do you think she would say if you did, does she help with anyone else's children in return?

SeaCabbage · 20/10/2016 18:46

I think you have to stop giving her reasons and or excuses because then she thinks she can come up with an argument.

You really are going to say - perhaps in an email or text so that is isn't too scary - that sorry but you can't look after her kids anymore, it's too difficult.

And like someone else said, screen her calls. I don't know why you called her lovely, she sounds awful.

rollonthesummer · 20/10/2016 18:47

Just read your update-so is it sorted? You've told her you can't do it?

JosephineMaynard · 20/10/2016 18:47

YANBU at all, but it sounds like she's not the type to take any polite hints about it costing you money, or her kids not enjoying it, or you wanting time alone with your kids.

Sounds like you'll have to be blunt and say you're just not having them and ignore her grumbling and moaning about your refusal.

balence49 · 20/10/2016 18:47

I'm a sahm, folk take the piss if you let them. Yes I'm at home with my kids. Because we decided that would work best for us. Not every bugger else! Are they hard work? I would personally make sure that I am such a horrible shouty grumpy bitch when they come that they refuse to come anymore!

amicissimma · 20/10/2016 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 18:54

Lol they're not hard work but like I said they are a bit older than my kids so are in to different things. There are tons of things on at half term so I'm sure she wouldn't be short of options for them, she just doesn't want to pay for i. Plus she tends to hardly book any time off at school holidays and prefers to take days off in term time to go shopping or spend time with friends. When I worked I never had any time to myself and every single day me or my dh booked off work was to look after our kids.

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 20/10/2016 18:54

OP you are letting yourself be manipulated into feeling guilty about leaving her in the lurch and about her imposing on your DM. You sound like a nice person but you are allowed to be "selfish" (and saying no is NOT actually selfish in any way!) Your DM is going to have to be more assertive as well but unfortunately that is her battle to fight. This will just keep going on unless your cousin if forced to find a solution and plan ahead properly.

Original poster
Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 18:55

Haha I like that.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 18:57

she said well it won't be all week and after all you're at home with your kids

That comment would do it for me. Cheeky mare. She doesnt mind doubling your workload when hers stays the same and it is supposed to be a holiday for your DC.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 20/10/2016 18:58

look, if you are not going to say FUCK NO!! to her then she is going to keep asking and these children are going to be in your house,

so tell her no or stop moaning about it. It won't change the fact that she is a freeloading besom and you appear to be a doormat, but hey, you have a million and one excuses as to why you cannot say no, same as she has for not actually paying for childcare.

JosephineMaynard · 20/10/2016 18:58

What would happen if you just didn't answer the phone when she calls in the run up to school holidays? (Assuming you can see who the caller is)

Or didn't reply to texts / e-mails with anything other than a one-liner "no, I can't have your kids any day in the holidays"

Is she the sort to dump them on your doorstep and then run off to work?

Also, i wouldn't use the "I'll only look after them in emergencies " line. Too easy for that to turn into "no childcare organised for tomorrow - it's an emergency! You said you'd have them in emergencies!"

DinosaursRoar · 20/10/2016 19:01

If she asks why you can't have them, smile and say "oh because I don't want to." Sip your drink, smile again. "Why not?" Should be answered with "because I don't." If she says she thinks it's selfish etc, smile again and say "I'm sure it does seem that way to you." Don't argue, don't justify how you will spend your time, just "I don't want to."

Act like it's nothing to do with you how she sorts childcare. If your mum can't say no either, that's probably where you've learned to put other people before yourself.

Perhaps it would help if you stopped thinking of this as the selfish option - by having your dns, your dcs have a worse time, you are actually prioritising not having an argument over your dcs happiness. This is actually being selfish too!

EssentialHummus · 20/10/2016 19:01

I think you have to stop giving her reasons and or excuses because then she thinks she can come up with an argument.

Exactly. God, what a taker. Just say "No". "No, the three of us have something planned just for us." "No, that doesn't work for us." "No, as I've said, I can't help you with this."

Flowersonthewall · 20/10/2016 19:03

Does she pay any money for you to have her children? Tell her it's the same rate as a childminder. 40 quid per child per day.

Original poster
Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 19:04

She'd just call round to my house lol. I'm in most days so that's not an option. You're right. I'm just going to have to be direct with her and make sure she gets the message. My dh thinks she's taking the piss and gets mad with me for keep agreeing. Our kids had no choice to go to holiday clubs for years and it's done them no harm.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 19:05

Plus they seem to refuse every decent meal I make as they are used to eating junk and I have to buy in other food and snacks which is a pain.

Well stop that. They dont eat their meal they starve. You dont have to buy in extra food. Perhaps holiday clubs will seem preferable after all.

Original poster
Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 19:06

No she's never given me any money towards feeding her kids, taking them on days out or the cinema, zoo, trampoline parks.

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 20/10/2016 19:07

So tell her what you have said here- you like her kids and don't mind once in a while, but you expect them to eat what you cook, you expect her to give you money towards trips etc so that it doesn't cost you to look after them, and you think she should use her annual leave in the school holidays like other lone parents and stop foisting her kids on family every holiday.

Since she sounds like a forthright and unsubtle person herself, she should appreciate your honesty.