To not want to be on tap childcare

[Whichywoo]

I'm just wondering how best to handle the situation. I have three children all school/pre school aged. I'm currently a sahm so obviously I am here every school holiday, and my dh works.

One of my cousins, who I'd say I'm fairly close to also has three children, one toddler and two school aged children. I love her to bits but quite frankly I'm sick of her asking me to have her kids every school holiday. The baby stays in nursery throughout the week whilst she's at work but she claims her older two children will not go to holiday club, sports clubs etc and point blank refuse. I don't mind having them every now and again and she doesn't ask me to have them every day at half term, but still, I want one school holiday were I just spend it with my own kids.

I previously worked full time and my kids had no choice to go to holiday club becusse I refused to just dump them on family. One because it wouldn't be fair to expect them just drop their whole week to help and two because my kids would most likely be bored just sat at their grandparents, aunts, uncles house. I saved up in between each half term and paid for them to be looked after yet my cousin automatically thinks she can use me as unpaid childcare.

I've told her before that I can't always help out and she said well it won't be all week and after all you're at home with your kids. I don't believe for a second her kids refuse to go to holiday club, she just wants to save money, and even if they did refuse, tough, she's the parent not them.

I love to take my kids out during the school holidays and to be honest it's pain in the arse if I have her two kids as it costs me more (she never gives me any money for them) and as they're older all the stuff I suggest doing they think is babyish. I've told my cousin this and that I don't think they really enjoy coming as my kids are younger and she just shrugs it off saying oh they have fun. I dread each holiday as every tome I make plans she always phones asking when I'm free to have them. She plays the struggling single parent card to often but at the end of the day she works full time on a wage similar to my dh so she can't be doing too badly and can certainly afford appropriate childcare. Aibu to feel this way?

Definitely say no!!
Tell her you've planned a number of days out with your own children but need to wait to find out what the weather is like to work out what days are best to do different trips, and won't be able to take hers as well. You want the freedom to plan your days out without planning around the days you're having hers too.

YANBU. Stepping in for a day or two when someone's ill or something happens last minute is a nice thing to do but expecting free childcare for giant lumps of the holiday is outrageous. What if you want to take your kids out - is she expecting you to pay for hers too? Even without the expense it also massively restricts what you can do. A trip to the park with three kids is tiring enough going with six would be ridiculous. The thought of looking after so many even for a day sounds exhausting let alone the entire holiday.

She's not "funny like that". She's an entitled selfish piss-taker who is taking advantage of your politeness.

In the words of Zammo, just say no.

"No, I can't look after your children."

YANBU!
Has she asked you to have them next week??

Try these in combination:

"I want to have time just with my children. "

"Having two others doesn't work for me. "

"I love you but I'm not going to change my mind about this, please make other arrangements."

"I've been pretty clear, please stop asking."

"I feel like you are trying to take advantage of our relationship- please stop asking"

Just pretend you are dealing with a toddler. If you give in to tantrums they never stop having them.

No yanbu.
You have to say no, that doesn't suit me. Don't make anything up.

I'd just say you can't do it as you don't want to be stuck in with the kids and it's too difficult taking them all out by yourself.

She's taking advantage of you. Some people have such barefaced cheek - you're not her free childcare because her children are too precious to go to a holiday club - even worse if she doesn't give you any money for activities. She might be your cousin, but it's pretty rude to expect you to do this every holiday, regardless of you being at home - I bet you can't wait for them to go back to school. Offer to have them a few days here and there but tell her she needs to make other arrangements for the rest of the time.

I'm term time and I made the decision at the very start to say no to people who asked.

I have offered to help out on occasion but generally speaking my default is no. I am on the administration side and took a fairly substantial cut in wages when I took the job on so that I could be there during the holidays for my own child not anyone else's.

I tend to have plans most of the holidays anyway so it's quite easy to say "sorry I can't do that day we have plans".

Time to say no. Along with the above I've found "sorry that doesn't work for me" very effective.

Ayeamarock do you mean that the OP should say No to the half term holiday starting next week? That strikes me as a great way to start off a family argument & theres a good chance that there are no alternatives available at this notice; perhaps she should start with the Christmas holidays?

YANBU apart from your horrible "paint the single parent card" comment.

Playing.

I feel like your problem op is that you want a way to get out of this where she still likes you/doesn't get pissed off and slag you off to other family. I'm telling you now - it doesn't exist.

She is going to get angry and try to make you carry on doing it, and if you stuck to your guns she is prob going to be mean to you, and to others about you. My advice would be to accept that now. Unless you're so afraid of confrontation that you'd rather be an unpaid childminder and subsidise her family income (if you are going this route, I would at least ask for a contribution to your costs)!

Why should she Salted? It's not her responsibility.

She's asked me to have them two days next week and I've told her that I'm planning on taking my three out for the day. Her response was what you are taking them out on both days! I just said I'm not sure which day as it depends on the weather and what day my dh can have off work.

OP really - you need to be more assertive and accept that your cousin will likely fall out you over it and that's okay! Besides, people who "use" others have pretty thick skins so I doubt she'll stay in a huff with you for long - she'll ask you for childcare again sooner or later.

I understand it's hard for you to say no but other than venting I don't know what you expect other posters here to tell you?

I think YABabitU simply because all you have to do is tell her you don't want to do it. She isn't and can't force you. Instead of telling her you don't think her kids enjoy it, tell you don't enjoy it and won't be doing any more except in an emergency (or just that you won't be doing it anymore).

Salted. She had only asked me this week. Now when I worked I had my kids childcare planned way in advance. She hasn't planned any childcare apart from dumping on all of her family and friends. She keeps saying oh my kids won't go to holiday club or she hasn't the money to pay for it.

Of course you are quite entitled to just say no, but if you are finding it hard to get out of the habit of agreeing, you could find a reason based around the ages of the children or a change in circumstances eg

'now your toddler is walking/potty training/running off I can't deal with them all'

Or

'Now they are a bit older they argue all the time and it's not fair on my children'.

Or whatever works for you. Then as discussed above just ignore any counterarguments she brings up and keep repeating whichever reason you choose. Make sure you have a definite outing planned for the first day of the holidays - if you book train tickets in advance they are usually really cheap so it wouldn't cost much to book a return to somewhere nearby for the day. Obviously you shouldn't have to go to these sort of lengths but if, like me, you hate confrontation and aren't good at saying no it might help you stick to your guns if you have something booked.

Agree that Op should start with immediate effect. Say no and don't let her turn it into an inquisition. She has no right to question your day. People book holiday clubs and take holiday time to cover these situations. Good luck OP

Not.your.problem

If she asks you what you're doing, tell her it doesn't matter, you can't look after them.

It's unfair for her to put pressure on you to look after them, it's not as if you have a written agreement. If she can't afford childcare, she needs to look at her finances!

Please say no. If she gets angry-that's her problem. Can you imagine what she'll say when she's moaning about to other people (horrible sil won't have my kids free this holidays) -nobody is going to think badly of you!!

Say, 'no-it's chocka next week! We're seeing friends or going out every day-tickets already booked/I'm driving and have a carful.'

Don't say sorry otherwise she'll just think she hasn't got in early enough and will start on about booking you early for Xmas.