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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be on tap childcare

127 replies

Whichywoo · 20/10/2016 17:57

I'm just wondering how best to handle the situation. I have three children all school/pre school aged. I'm currently a sahm so obviously I am here every school holiday, and my dh works.

One of my cousins, who I'd say I'm fairly close to also has three children, one toddler and two school aged children. I love her to bits but quite frankly I'm sick of her asking me to have her kids every school holiday. The baby stays in nursery throughout the week whilst she's at work but she claims her older two children will not go to holiday club, sports clubs etc and point blank refuse. I don't mind having them every now and again and she doesn't ask me to have them every day at half term, but still, I want one school holiday were I just spend it with my own kids.

I previously worked full time and my kids had no choice to go to holiday club becusse I refused to just dump them on family. One because it wouldn't be fair to expect them just drop their whole week to help and two because my kids would most likely be bored just sat at their grandparents, aunts, uncles house. I saved up in between each half term and paid for them to be looked after yet my cousin automatically thinks she can use me as unpaid childcare.

I've told her before that I can't always help out and she said well it won't be all week and after all you're at home with your kids. I don't believe for a second her kids refuse to go to holiday club, she just wants to save money, and even if they did refuse, tough, she's the parent not them.

I love to take my kids out during the school holidays and to be honest it's pain in the arse if I have her two kids as it costs me more (she never gives me any money for them) and as they're older all the stuff I suggest doing they think is babyish. I've told my cousin this and that I don't think they really enjoy coming as my kids are younger and she just shrugs it off saying oh they have fun. I dread each holiday as every tome I make plans she always phones asking when I'm free to have them. She plays the struggling single parent card to often but at the end of the day she works full time on a wage similar to my dh so she can't be doing too badly and can certainly afford appropriate childcare. Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:

user1471449040 · 20/10/2016 19:08

she's just learned that she you will say yes if she asks directly enough, so you need to be firmer

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 20/10/2016 19:08

Plus she tends to hardly book any time off at school holidays and prefers to take days off in term time to go shopping or spend time with friends. When I worked I never had any time to myself and every single day me or my dh booked off work was to look after our kids.

There you go, it's obvious she's just piss-taking. Like many, many other parents, DP and I saved our leave for school holidays.

Don't bother explaining why you can't have her kids. Broken record, "sorry, that doesn't work for us".

eddielizzard · 20/10/2016 19:11

say no.

NEVER EXPLAIN - this just gives her ammunition to argue with you.

doesn't work for me.
why?
it just doesn't.
but why?
because no.

you need to channel monty python. she will hang up bewildered.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 20/10/2016 19:19

OP - bluntly your are the source of your problem.

People take the piss because you let them.

You need to say no and mean it. It doesn't matter what excuse she brings up - just keep saying "I don't want to do that".

Why you don't isn't her business - stop trying to justify yourself.

In short - find your backbone.

rollonthesummer · 20/10/2016 19:20

Who else does she ask to have them?

I'd be tempted to
A-ignore the phone
B-go out early

2kids2dogsnosense · 20/10/2016 19:21

When she asks why, tell her you don't want them.

If this doesn't work and she manages to bully you, make sure that every time you ask her for £X because you've promised your kids that you'll do x, y and z, and have lunch out. (Sadly, this does mean that you'll have to drag yourself out even if you would all have liked a day in the kitchen making and decorating cakes for Daddy to admire and scoff when he comes home from work.

Are they gone by the time your DH comes home? Does this get on his wick as well?

QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 19:23

Just tell her straight up, I want time alone with my own children.

rollonthesummer · 20/10/2016 19:24

Actually-I'd do

Monday-we've got tickets for the zoo
Tuesday we've been invited to my friend'a for the day
Wednesday-we're going up to xyz on the train-we bought cheap tickets yonks ago
Thursday-I'm driving DC and my friend/her DC out for the day
Friday-we've for tickets for X with old school friend

Ha!

Trifleorbust · 20/10/2016 19:27

Never give a false reason if you really don't want to do something. People will find ways to get round the excuses. She can't get round you saying, "Look, it's nothing to do with the kids and I feel bad about saying it, but I really do just want some time with my own kids while they're little." There is no substitute for the truth.

FiniteIncantatum · 20/10/2016 19:38

Honestly I couldn't be arsed making up a million excuses. It's your time with your children you are perfectly entitled to not want to be unpaid childcare for someone else.

You either say no and stick with it or you go through this nonsense every holiday probably ending up with you looking after them at some point because she'll start saying on if you can't do wed can you do Thurs or Fri and I'll rearrange with your mum or whoever else is looking after them that day to cover what you can't do.

I'd find it to be unnecessary and a headache to make up lies.

Penfold007 · 20/10/2016 19:39

Look at it another way, your cousin expects you to subsidise her expenses by providing free childcare including meals etc. Your H goes to work to subsidise her family.

Aderyn2016 · 20/10/2016 19:47

These threads always bemuse me. Why is it so hard to tell someone that you just want to look after your own children?

Years ago I read something on here that stuck with me. In providing free childcare for woh parents, they are deriving economic benefit from your unpaid labour.
Stop worrying about the feelings and reactions of someone who clearly soesn't give a shit about your feelings.

If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids - do they not deserve any holiday time with their own parents without having to share you?

Honestly, OP, it's a choice. You can let her walk all over you or not. Stop being so wet and just tell her that her kids are her responsibility and not yours.

Aderyn2016 · 20/10/2016 19:52

And great point about your H subsidising her family. If I was him I would be pissed off too.

I used to know a woman who was always looking after her sister's child. She didn't want to always do it but felt sheouldn't say no to her single parent sister.Her dh was really resentful of always having to schedule time off around someone else's childcare iir

ImissGrannyW · 20/10/2016 19:53

a def YANBU from me.

Agree with many of the PPs, it's up to you to be firm and assertive, and some good suggestions about how. If it were me (and you are fond of her, which you suggest you are), I'd maybe soften it with a "I can have them on xx day" or even "they're welcome to join us on yyy day when we're doing [insert name of activity]. If you'd like them to join us, it'll be £££ for the entrance fee and then £££ for shop/popcorn etc [and £££ or lunch or else you can send them with a packed lunch] and even £££ towards the cost of petrol/bus tickets, etc"
Then she can choose. It also just squares things up a bit.

Like others, wondering if she ever has your kids over weekends? And if not, perhaps you could suggest it as a way of evening things up a bit?

Good luck!

FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 20:05

You bed to say it's costing you money that you can't afford simple. Feeding them isn't cheap or free and she should be covering any losses. She is a massive pisstaker. Just say no not anymore as it's too restrictive

dustarr73 · 20/10/2016 20:12

There is going to be a fall out,you might as well make it sooner rather than later.She will be annoyed,her gravy train is being stopped.

There is no way around it,just tell her the truth.

MrsJayy · 20/10/2016 20:22

I agree the only way to avoid a fall out is to take her children you don't want to look after her children so there will be a fall out but that's her problem not yours . Say no o have enough looking after my own children without looking after yours sorry no .

r2d256 · 20/10/2016 20:30

OP there are family members we all have that it's hard to say no to because they're manipulative, entitled and think you should because they're something special.

Me and DH said no to our family member 6 months ago. They have cut us out, we don't communicate anymore. Be prepared for her to keep the kids from you, sad but you have to do what's best for you and your family.

Honestly ? Best, most stress free 6 months EVER!!! No more apologies, explaining yourself and fear of putting things on social media incase they have something to say about it.

Break the chain, you are not her skivvy !!
Enjoy YOUR children

Agerbilatemycardigan · 20/10/2016 20:32

You say that you love her to bits, but I can't honestly see why. She sounds like a selfish user. It wouldn't be so bad if she at least offered something towards their care.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 20/10/2016 20:35

This is my standard response to most things

GhostlySteamTrains · 20/10/2016 20:49

Is your sister older than you? I wonder if she's pulled the "well I HAD to babysit you when we were younger, so YOU own me" stunt yet?

pensivepolly · 20/10/2016 20:50

I am very interested in why you find it impossible to say no to her, especially as you clearly know she is taking the piss and you clearly resent it.

timelytess · 20/10/2016 20:55

Somewhere in the years of counselling and posting on internet forums, I learned the phrase "No, that doesn't work for me." It doesn't need (ie it doesn't get) any further explanation. If they ask why not, just say 'because it doesn't work for me'.

Its taken a few people by surprise when I've used it, but it hasn't led to fall outs, just to a better understanding.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 20/10/2016 20:58

Just tell her you want to focus on your own kids this holiday.

pinkyredrose · 20/10/2016 20:59

Say you will if she has your DC all weekend. No? Plus why the hell have you been paying for her kids, have you never told her how much you spend on them?

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