to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Firstly, many congratulations, on your very well earned achievement. 🌺🌺
OP, your DH sounds like a lovely, and good man.
He is hurting, as he has Infact, given up a lot for you, he loves you.
He is probably feeling somewhat insecure, and trying to protect his world.
He will ultimately, be exceptionally proud of you, but also awaiting further repercussions from the family, when they hear of your success.
Of course, you don't have to ask for his permission, but for him to have been included in your good fortune, before you made your decision, would have been nice.
Be kind, I'm sure you will, and talk it through. It really isn't worth upsetting the apple cart. You have a good, strong marriage.

[Lweji]

I'd be telling him that I give him as much choice over my career as he gives me over his.
And that if he's worried about us not seeing eachother, then he can also find a more at home job. Or find another wife.

You can both make it work if you can, or you can both compromise.

I do hope you don't put your own professional happiness on hold for someone who behaves like this. You may well end up regretting it for many reasons (while you watch another colleague doing what you could be doing, or if you ever find him cheating).

He may also be worried that you'll be seen to be more successful than him, or end up earning more.
Be careful.

[PinkSwimGoggles]

specially if your husband is an arse you need to cover yours, i.e. retain/improve your earning potential if when you are going to separate.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I would be really upset if my OH came home and announced he'd be working away a lot now and that I'd just have to suck it up.

YABU.

[Liiinoo]

I can understand why you accepted on the spot. It sounds like a great opportunity and you must have been thrilled to be asked.

I can also understand why your DH is hurt -this isn't an ordinary promotion, it's a whole new job and lifestyle for both of you. If my DH accepted anything similar without even running it by me first I would feel sidelined and unimportant. And those feelings would make me angry.


Committing to a relationship with you has lost DH his parents. Now you have done something he may be interpreting as you not being fully committed to him. And on a very basic level he is going to be lonely when he comes home and you aren't there.

I am not for one second saying you shouldn't have accepted the job, but it would have been kinder (and completely professional) to say 'That is a wonderful offer - can I get back to you tomorrow?' And then talked it over with DH, if after talking it over you disagreed at least he would have been heard.

Apologise to him, explain why you accepted so impulsively, tell him how important he is to you, how much you love him. It sounds as if he needs to hear it.

And really well done on the job.

[theramengirl]

We just made plans to have dinner and talk about this. I intend to say, "I am sorry if I hurt your feelings if I didn't discuss about it beforehand but this thing is so darn big I just jumped up in the air and seized it with both my hands. But if you have any specific concerns, of course let's discuss about it."

But what if he says he doesn't want me to accept the position at all? Going by his texts, I have a very uncomfortable feeling that this is not going to be easy.

[TheProblemOfSusan]

Given what you've said here about how he communicates his job role/choices to you (or not!) and that you aren't sharing care for dependents, I don't think you were being unreasonable just to excitedly say yes.

However I think you now know that he does expect to be told/consulted, so perhaps you should have a conversation together and both commit to discussing these things in future - not just you, him too - so hopefully there wouldn't be an argument.

I would always discuss this sort of thing with my husband, and he with me, but in this exact circumstance it would be more of a 'isn't this exciting for me darling, what's the best way to negotiate for more money' way. He would not think he had any right to tell me not to take it for his convenience and vice versa, and I wouldn't be asking permission. The only time me taking a job or not would be a joint decision would be if it meant moving house.

[theramengirl]

Liiinoo sugarpie motherinferior and everyone, thanks again for your lovely wishes and also advice. Very very grateful to hear so many perspectives.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Congratulations! That's a major achievement. Well done!

If my OH didn't discuss his career choices and decisions with me then I would not think to discuss mine with him.

It does seem that there is a double standard in your relationship. To me, this would be the bigger issue. I do understand the cultural issues (for want of a better phrase) that you are facing also. You have my sympathies on this score.

[Cakeycakecake]

What I don't understand is, (sorry if I've missed this) if he knew you were going for the position, role, whatever, surely he knew that there was a possibility of a job offer? So therefore it wouldn't be a total bolt from the clear blue sky, he'd have known.
The conversation when offered (in my house anyway) would have gone 'sweetheart guess what, I got the job!!' 'congratulations, you must be thrilled, I'm so proud of you. Let's go out to dinner to celebrate...'
I'm actually baffled how it went any other way. If he had objections, he should have voiced them at interview stage.

[Lweji]

I don't think you should be so grateful, least of all eternally grateful, that he's chosen you over his parents for working away from home.

You working is normal, particularly in the UK. His parents were abusive in cutting him off because of this issue and wanting him to separate. They are the problem, not you.
Please be firm on that, if he brings it up.

[Phineyj]

I think YANBU because your DH is holding you to a different set of standards than he holds himself. That's the issue, not the job. Job sounds great and it is generally a good idea to accept enthusiastically and work out the details later, if you really want it.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Hang on - re the dinner ... you have issues to raise too don't you? These are around your autonomy and independence and desire / need for a fulfilling career (just as he has). Sometimes the way an issue is framed determines the debate and the outcome. You are accepting his terms from the start (i.e. you are accepting that he might have concerns you need to discuss). What about your concerns (his attitude, etc.)? Do you want to make sure that these are on the table also?

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

Yanbu in my eyes; congratulations!

[hellsbellsmelons]

He has been allowed to progress how he wants to in his career and now you get a chance he doesn't want you to?
I think you have bigger issues than you think.
As a PP said, to get to do something you love and are passionate about come along very rarely.
He needs to support you now like you have supported him with his career and choices.
Good luck and don't back down on this.
You will regret it.

[theramengirl]

Thanks everyone. I will take this real careful. My husband and I have gone through so much in the past few years that I really don't want to upset the applecart! Yes he has been depressed lately, but that's nothing new, it runs in his family (and mine, if I may add, but so far I have been immune, thank god) so I guess I was really thoughtless and I will make sure I will tell him that.

But this job is a great opportunity and now that I have been offered it, I can't for the life of me think of giving it up for any reason. It would be lunacy, really. I don't really know what I am going to do if he says anything against it...

[whatsthecomingoverthehill]

It's a little bit unreasonable to not talk to him about it. But I wonder if you did because you knew what he'd be like about it, given that he's being such a monumental arse about it.

Marriage should be about helping each other maximise your potential, not holding each other back.

[WheresLarry]

Sparkletastic I'm sorry but just because people don't agree with your opinion it doesn't mean we are being disingenuous.

OP I think YABU in a sense that this is a big change and a big opportunity, but it does affect your dh. The reasons I think you should have discussed it with him are firstly out of respect, just as me and dw would do. Secondly if it puts you in the public eye then this could have a detrimental effect on your private life, which involves your dh.

Your dh shouldn't have the final say on your decision, it sounds like a great opportunity and I think you should take it. I just feel that for any big decisions made by any couple there needs to be discussions on both sides, to garner opinions not make choices for the other person.

Congratulations anyway, it sounds wonderful. I hope your dinner is good and your dh becomes supportive very quickly.

[Eolian]

I'd say to him. "Sorry I didn't discuss it with you first, but as you have never discussed your career plans with me, I assumed this was fine". Surely there is no obvious response to this (other than either "No, you're quite right" or "But I am the man, I don't have to discuss my plans with you, but you have to get permission from me because I'm in charge". If it's the latter, at least you know where you stand....).

[BarbarianMum]

Either you have a marriage where things like this are discussed and agreed, or you don't. Whichever arrangement you have it should be reciprocal, so YANBU.

[AcrossthePond55]

YANBU. I can discussing (not asking) this if you had children, or even dependent elderly parents who needed attention. But you are both adults who are fully capable of taking care of themselves. His 'we won't see each other' smacks more of 'you won't be home waiting for me' than it does the loss of time together.

And why on earth should you appearing in the media now and again as a spokesperson affect him negatively? Is it because he feels that a woman belongs in the home, unseen by other men? My husband would have been incredibly proud to see me in such a responsible position!

It sounds to me as if you've somewhat adjusted yourself to his expectations and wants to this point. Now that there is something that you really want it's time for him to do the same for you!

[theramengirl]

Lweji I get what you mean. But I AM glad he chose me and not his family. It's not easy to go against the grain, especially against manipulative and controlling family. I am talking from a cultural point of view, of course. In a similar situation, I know what the men in my own family would have done (they'd definitely not stood by their wife!).

And he did give up several thousand pounds worth of legacy for me. I know this is how it should be - that of course one should choose love and dignity over bribery - but in reality how many would do it? I am glad I chose and live with a man who did it.

That said, it doesn't mean I am going to be his doormat or kiss his feet all my life. Just that I am aware of the things he has done for me, and I will not forget it.