to think I don't have to consult DH reg accepting a promotion?

[theramengirl]

Details slightly changed to avoid outing.

I have been asked by a government organization to act as its media representative. It came as a surprise to me, but not to my co-workers – seems that they always ‘knew I will go places’ (this quote is direct from the mouth of one). I was in a volunteer position so far. Now I will be in the forefront.

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often.

It IS a big honour, and something I feel is like a gift from the gods for all my hard work these years. I immediately accepted.

When I went home and told my husband, he said that I have been disrespectful to our marriage by not discussing with him about accepting such a different and full time responsibility in the organization.

My husband is generally a nice guy, but is from a culture which expects women to be seen and not heard (I am from the same culture too, but brought up by liberal parents – am very lucky that way). Initially there was great friction as he realised I was not going to be a 'homemaker' like his mother or sister, but we have worked around it. I own a business now, and we are now closer than ever (or so I thought!).

He is in a well-paying job and is very generous in sharing his money (for eg he helped out a cousin of mine when he was in financial difficulty, and didn’t even expect the money back). He also travels frequently, for weeks some time, due to the nature of his work. But I have always been there at home when he returns. Now the status with change.

He is upset now. I really didn’t think it would matter (it's not like we have any dependents), I thought he would be happy for me. He is, I think, but he is also acting like I have been massively insensitive.

AIBU to feel that I didn’t have to talk to him before accepting a promotion? Should I have told this government organization – "Thanks, but give me some time to give you an answer" – and then discussed with my husband about it all, and then given my acceptance?

Will be grateful for your thoughts.

[LemonBreeland]

Initially I would have said YABU, but that is because myself and DH would afford each other the same courtesy in this kind of situation. I agree with arfanarf, I would remind him that he never discusses his work with you or asks your permission. These things work both ways.

[LemonBreeland]

Oh, and congrats!

[Lweji]

It wasn't really for you. It was for him to be able to live with you.
He thought then that being with you was worth more than money, which is great.
But it was his choice. Definitely don't feel obliged to him.
And don't give up your career prospects because of it.
I hope he doesn't bring it up, because then you'll know he doesn't deserve you.

[DorothyHarris]

I think YABU, you should have talked about it with him first it will impact him. Even more so if you have children

[theramengirl]

Thanks again every one, for your lovely advice. I have a meeting now and then going into the city to have dinner with DH. I will update later tonight.

[FluffyPersian]

I'd suggest not being the one to make all the apologies.

1. He doesn't talk to you about his career - Therefore why should you talk to him about yours?
   
2. You don't know what you're going to do if he doesn't accept it? Well... what is he going to do when you listen to his opinion and then inform him that you're still taking the job?
   

It sounds like an amazing opportunity that will be on your CV for ever. Congratulations

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

When I read your thread title, I thought Yes, YABU.
Then I read your OP and I thought - well, maybe still a little U.

You have mitigating factors - there are no children to worry about, so that's not an issue.
You have no wider family responsibilities to worry about - so that's not an issue.

But - I still think YWBU, a little. It would have been far more diplomatic to have gone home and said "DH, I have been offered this fantastic opportunity, it's a great honour, but it would mean a little more time apart as I would have to do some travel, like you do now - what do you think?"
Then he could have thought, looked at the benefits, and if he truly is the decent man he seems to be, he could have said "DW, it's a great opportunity and I think you should go for it".

But you didn't give him that chance, just told him you'd taken it. So his thoughts, his feelings etc. have all been cast aside, in his eyes.

I think you've both done well to escape your cultural "shackles", if you like, so far - but maybe he's still that bit more of a traditionalist than you are, and you've just pushed things a little too far for his comfort.

I'm sure that in reality he's proud of your accomplishment; but your lack of thought of how this would affect your time together, or your marriage, would probably be quite hurtful.

If DH just told me that he'd done this, I'd be hurt too. I don't expect him to "ask permission" but I certainly DO expect him to discuss this sort of thing with me prior to accepting/agreeing to it, just so I know he's thought through all the ramifications.

[Topseyt]

I would have been another who would have accepted on the spot. I would have informed DH immediately afterwards and we would have celebrated/discussed the way forward then. He certainly would not have berated me for disrespecting our marriage by accepting a job as OP's husband did, and if he had then I would have torn a strip off him.

I thought the days of women having to consult their husbands over their career choices were gone. Husbands are rarely expected to do the same.

I agree with the disingenuous comment. Golden opportunities such as the OP was presented with do not come up very often, and I sure as hell would have done everything I could to seize it with both hands and not let it slip away. That might well have included accepting on the spot and then presenting with a fait accompli. They don't have children, so I can't see the issue. OP's DH does not have the right of veto over her any more than she does over him, and nor should he expect it.

OP, you were not at all unreasonable. Tread carefully and calmly, but firmly. You understand your DH's difficult position with his family, but this is a great opportunity for you so you would appreciate it if he could appreciate it as much as you do and support you in your line of work just as much as you support him. This is 2016. Not 1950.

You expected him to be pleased for you, not to piss on your parade.

[Ketsby]

"I would be really upset if my OH came home and announced he'd be working away a lot now and that I'd just have to suck it up."

Her husband DID do that! She didn't know about all his travel when they married.

How does it 'affect' him? There are no kids to look after or share care of, so what epic struggles is he going to suffer? He travels a lot for work himself, so let's not pretend he's going to be sitting in front of the TV each night weeping into his ready meal for one.

He's not over his grudge of losing his parents' cash and wants to blame theramengirl for his woes and he's made it quite clear he struggles with the idea of an independent wife.

[DoinItFine]

Wow, lots of people think that being married means you are no longer a person in your own right.

How grim.

Of course this decision was yours alone.

You have no dependants, so it is up to you to live the kind of life you prefer.

A person who loved you would be thrilled skinny for you.

Not demanding a say and bitching.

Why doesn't he work less uf seeing you is so important?

[motherinferior]

What is there to discuss? Are there relationships where someone else being away a bit and going on telly really impacts on the other? Really?

[whatsthecomingoverthehill]

Yeh, it's not like she's suddenly going to have paparazzi camping outside the house.

I think it's normal to talk about big decisions though. Not that he should have any right of veto or be moaning because there are a few evenings where she might not be around (would he say the same if she took up a new hobby for instance?), but because your partner generally knows you and should want the best for you. But given that he doesn't discuss any of his decisions with her and the way he has been about it, I really don't think the OP should feel in any way guilty.

[GerdaLovesLili]

I don't think I understand why you'd marry someone if you didn't want to discuss big,exciting stuff like this with them. You don't need to ask permission, of course you don't, you're an adult. But it's a bit odd that you didn't even think to share it with him before you accepted.

Congratulations though! It sounds like a fabulous job.

[DoinItFine]

Exactly, what is there to discuss?

If DH was offered an amazing life-changing (for him) opportunity, I wouldn't expect a discussion.

And we share responsibility for multiple children.

I would do everything in my power to make sure he got to grasp his chance with both hands.

Not start moaning about how I would never see him because I worked away so much.

[DoinItFine]

But it's a bit odd that you didn't even think to share it with him before you accepted.

Not really.

That's how things work in their marriage.

I like talking to my husband aboyt things like this.

But I think only a weird and controlling person is that hung up on the timing of the discussion.

If she is going to take it, and it is 100% her decision, what difference does it make whether she discusses it before or after accepting?

It makes none.

Unless your issue is one of control.

[GerdaLovesLili]

Not control, mutual respect I think.

[tabulahrasa]

I think feeling a little bit upset that you didn't talk to him before accepting is understandable, expecting to have some sort of veto over you actually accepting is different...

[DoinItFine]

How is it respectful to demand a discussion before a fully griwn and independent adult makes a decision about their own life?

Quite apart from the obvious lack of mutuality in a man who lives his big life with nary a discussion getting to strop because his wife takes her lead from him.

[DoinItFine]

Even being the tiniest bit upset is unreasonable.

He has never afforded her this supposed "respect".

[GerdaLovesLili]

I think it's odd that neither of them thought to do it. Respect should come form both sides.

[Ifounddory]

Honestly I would have discussed it first purely because this:

I will also be in the media a lot – giving interviews, opinions, taking part in talk shows etc. I will have to travel frequently, and will not be at home more often

Will impact you both. If you both travel it will cut down on your time together. Your media presence could also impact on him if there is an expectation for you to attend press events together for example.

I would consider it respectful to discuss it first although the decision is ultimately yours due to it being your career and your promotion.

[KickAssAngel]

OP - people who grow up in controlling families rarely completely get rid of the control in their minds. The moment he heard your news, his parents' opinions will have jumped in there and given him a response. Also, many people actually try to get 'absolution' from controlling parents by following what they would have wanted. Even if he isn't consciously doing this, he is thinking something like 'if I'm a good boy, and say what dad would have said, maybe they will forgive me and love me again'. And he will be feeling like a child whose parents have just rejected him.

Yes, you should both be respecting each other - so both of you conferring with the other. If nothing else, it can be very positive to use your partner as your sounding board. But for him, there's a lifetime of parental control and rejection that's standing in the way of that.

Hopefully, talking to each other will get you past that, but it will take time and effort from both of you. If he finds prayer helpful, then maybe he could spend some time reflecting on why he feels like this, and why he struggles with your success and independence.

Congratulations and good luck.

[Ifounddory]

For the record I would expect him to discuss similar things with you. It should go both ways.

[motherinferior]

I can't think of what 'press events' he'd have to go to - and he could always not go.

And do people seriously reconsider jobs because they'd be away a few nights a month? My partner took a job like that without feeling he had to run it past me first. Our kids are teenagers: it's fine.

[Topseyt]

If the DH had posted on here saying that he felt disrespected that his wife had accepted an amazing opportunity without consulting him first then he would quite rightly have been ripped to shreds.

Yet when the wife posts saying that her husband, who never runs his career decisions by her, is upset that she didn't consult him before accepting a dream job then it is apparently different!!

I just don't get that at all. It is HER decision. She makes it. She tells him.

What if she goes to him now all placatory, he acts all hurt, the big boss husband, and puts pressure on her not to proceed? I hope OP is strong enough then to stick to her guns and not do something that she will regret.