To be angry that my disabled child is treated differently?

[lottieandmia]

I am so pissed off. My uncle has just given my two NT children £10 each and has left out my severely autistic dd as though she doesn't matter.

She may be disabled but she loves clothes like any other teenager. My mum is trying to defend him and it makes me so mad. Dd2 ( bless her) said 'I'll share mine with dd1'

But that isn't the point - it's not about the money it's the blatant disregard for her because she's disabled.

What disgusting behaviour. I would never forgive him for that.

You'd be right to return the cash to him and calmly explain why.

He'll probably be mortified and try to explain himself (impossible to do so adequately!) then give the extra tenner. I'd tell him to shove it!

If your DM is anything like mine, then you'll be in the wrong, of course.

I am definitely sending the money back. My mum said 'No, don't you dare upset my brother'

Never mind that he has upset me and disrespected my daughter!

My DM is the same, my brother could gut somebody in front of her and she would make excuses. Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing by your kids, which is the most important thing.

That's just bollocks about understanding the value/concept of money.

My dd1 doesn't understand the concept of money (also severe ASD) - she does know you need to buy things in shops, but that's it. She still enjoys buying things.

It's just basically saying since she doesn't know the value of the present she doesn't deserve a present (presumably she would t be appreciative enough? Urgh. )

I have the same argument with my inlaws. My dd1 is no less a person than her siblings. Sadly they don't see it the same way I do (their loss - my PIL haven't seen my dc for 7 years now, and haven't even met my youngest, because they cannot be trusted to treat dd1 as a real actual person)

I'd be tempted to braisen it out and say 'oi, you must have miscalculated, old age and all that, you've three DN. Do you mean me to split £6.66 each or did you miss £10?' Ultra polite but firm that there are three children for consideration. Just keep retourting as though you're talking to a young child, politely reafirming that he's confused.

Gosh, OP, I'd be sorely tempted to cut someone off at this.

So sorry for your daughter, and what an amazing sister she has.

How bloody horrible he is.

My mum said 'No, don't you dare upset my brother'

I'm struggling to understand this, I guess she just wants to keep the peace.

What makes it worse is that his wife was disabled. I wrongly assumed he would have some understanding about disability discrimination

Makes me cry. Bless dd2.

That is so sad. How can anyone leave out a child?

Your DD is lovely to have offered to share. You must be so proud of your children.

I am definitely sending the money back. My mum said 'No, don't you dare upset my brother'

You're definitely doing the right thing, but I'm so very sorry to hear about your DM's warped priorities; as mum to a disabled son myself your account made me feel quite ill

In the end we can do little about other peoples' unkindness; we can only do what seems right ourselves - and from the wonderful attitude of your other daughter I'd say you're on exactly the right track

This is appalling but I am not sure that mentioning it to him directly is going to help anyone - I doubt he is going to change his mind. This time, cannot you not say that Xuncle overlooked DD1by accident and make up the money yourself - all children write a thank you for their presents. If he continues to "forget" your DD1 then continue to do the same ad infinitum but don't let the children know? Your DD2 sounds a real credit and wonderful by the way

The thing is, and I mean this in the nicest way, you are the parent with the disabled child - so naturally fully au fait with how everything 'should' be.

Your uncle, on the other hand, is not - and may have unwittingly committed this faux pas without really intending to.

Not making excuses - but just saying I can see how he ended up in this elephant trap.

agree, send the money back. I'd be livid and would probably cut ties or reduce contact very much.

I have a DC with severe ASD too and this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Can you call him up and say, "Hello Uncle Bob, thank you for the money for two of the dc. They are going to buy clothes and toys with them. But I think you forgot to give something for DD1. She was looking forward to going out too to also buy clothes."
And then say nothing and see what he says.
I would do this or get dh to do it

Good for you sending him his money back - rotten thing to do to a child

They already know about the £20, sending it back would feel unfair on the two who did receive a gift.

However, they shouldn't get £10 each and your other child nothing.

Could the two children combine their £20 to buy something to share for the three of them? (Even if it's something disposable like food rather than clothes.)

I think the two children showing solidarity sends a stronger message than rejecting the money - it shows that like you, they believe their sibling should not be excluded.

Understand your fury.

Understand your anger, OP, I'd be furious too.

However, when the heat's gone out of the situation, could you find a way to explain how hurtful this is to you and your family? Educate rather than excoriate? (Not saying it's easy.)

Well this isn't the first time he's pissed me off - he turned up to my youngest daughters christening with someone I don't know and hadn't invited. This person then sat eating and drinking at the reception, did not even have the courtesy to say hello to me and ignored all of my daughters.

As far as I'm concerned, that's it.

Send it back and be clear why. Your other DC clearly understand and that this isn't how they want their sister to be treated so would imagine they would understand the money being sent back. You'll also be sending all your DC a strong message that they all get treated equally no matter what.

There are no excuses or reasons why this is ever ok. Your mum will have to understand that your DC come first always and you will not allow your NT DC to think they deserve things more than your other DC, EVER. If that involves upsetting her brother, so be it. As you say, he has upset you and your family very much.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing.