To be angry that my disabled child is treated differently?

[lottieandmia]

I am so pissed off. My uncle has just given my two NT children £10 each and has left out my severely autistic dd as though she doesn't matter.

She may be disabled but she loves clothes like any other teenager. My mum is trying to defend him and it makes me so mad. Dd2 ( bless her) said 'I'll share mine with dd1'

But that isn't the point - it's not about the money it's the blatant disregard for her because she's disabled.

[lottieandmia]

Thank you

[pointythings]

Well done. You've done the right thing.

[lottieandmia]

I have posted the money back to him with explanation that

1. I will not tolerate dd1 being treated like a second class citizen by anyone.
   
2. I'm offended that he would take a swipe at me in saying if he gave money to her it would be 'absorbed into the household costs'
   
3. To stay away from us in the future.
   

I've hardly ever seen him much in our lives anyway and as far as I'm concerned he's a bad influence on my other children. His wife was a lovely person and I think sometimes when someone is married to someone particularly lovely it makes them better than they were on their own but she has now died and ever since then I have noticed things creeping in like unpleasant comments about migration and a sympathy with the BNP.

I doubt he is going to be anything other than outraged at my letter because I've told him in the nicest possible way to get lost. But I really don't care. Sometimes doing the right thing is important no matter who you piss off. And if I had kept the money I would have been complicit in the whole thing.

[lottieandmia]

I am sure my mum would not have kept £10, despite the fact that she herself has been complicit herself.

Unfortunately he is apparently moving to my town and I really hope he stays away from me and my children- he's a bad influence.

I think my mum has come to terms with the fact that I am going to send the money back. I have always felt that he thinks my disabled daughter should be put away somewhere and this makes me even more mad. But at least she has myself and her sisters to stand up for her.

[Nicpem1982]

How rude of your uncle op. There is no excuse for this I would return the gifts that were gifted to your other children and go nc

[TeaInGlasgow]

The guy sounds like a dick but I think your mum is the bigger problem. How sure are you that he actually left out your DD? Is it at all possible that he gave £30 and your mum kept £10 for some reason? The way you describe her attempts at making excuses, bringing up past events and, as another poster said, her desperation to avoid offending him make it seem like she's feeling guilty and is doing what she can to avoid being caught out.

[monkeywithacowface]

Your girls are a credit to you and you sound like a lovely mum

[lottieandmia]

I've decided to deal with it myself by cutting him out of our lives. My dd2 has now said she also doesn't want to see him again. She's very loyal to her sister - they both are. But the 13 year old in particular is very mature. If someone hurts her defenceless sister she wants nothing more to do with them.

[Wellywife]

From what you've said in your latest post your DD1 might feel like a second class citizen anyway, before the cash incident, if he ignores her too. How does she deal with that?

[monkeywithacowface]

I'm glad you are going to send back the money. I can't believe someone could be so unkind.

[lottieandmia]

I don't have a good relationship with with my mum either TBH. She and her siblings had a very toxic mother who did terrible things like euthanise their pets while they were at school and inflicted lots of emotional abuse. As well as pit them against each other.

But that doesn't make this ok. I feel that when he comes he always wants to spend time with my other two children but has no time for dd1. He doesn't even say hello to her. There is no excuse. I've had boyfriends with no children who have been really good with her. I've rarely felt that she's been treated like a second class citizen. I think my mum is now accepting of the idea that I'm going to write a letter and return the money.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

of the five siblings she has, he's the only one who she hasn't cut off

Sounds significant Give her enough time and she'll probably get round to this one as well ...

[manicinsomniac]

YANBU, what awful behaviour. If I thought it was unthinking ignorance and he didn't know your family well, I might have let it go and/or explained my view. But from more recent posts he just sounds like a horrible person. I would return the money with thanks and say you need all your children to be treated equally and respectfully so you're unable to accept the gift.

He's the one who will lose out in the end - on his relationship with all of you. Some of my cousins had a grandmother (so not the one we shared) who would give all of them presents for Christmas/birthdays but often gave extra random presents to the boys in the family but not to the girls. Her reason was that she loved 'her' boys and wanted to treat them. As a result she saw very little of any of the family and was a very lonely, bitter old woman.

[WildDigestive]

Your mother is a pain in the ass and is being an apologist for blatant discrimination. I also don't agree that it's your duty to be a perennially-available educational resource for the thick and insensitive like your uncle -- I imagine that like many people with a disability, or the parent of a child with additional needs, you could spend your entire life educating those who are too unthinking to consider their own behaviour from anyone else's POV. There may be times when education is appropriate, especially if you feel that thoughtless behaviour is out of character for the person - there are also times when you should do whatever makes you feel less angry.

(My mother would in a meeker kind of way be responding in a similar way to yours - chiefly because it's women's job to cover over male bad behaviour, in her eyes, and she's too terrified of 'looking bad' to confront anyone about anything. She is not a racist person left to herself, for instance, but I have seen her nod along and make all the right noises when listening to a racist tirade. Not that it excuses your mother's behaviour for a second, just saying I've been there. You apparently don't get to be offended, but it matters terribly if someone else is.)

[lottieandmia]

My mum has annoyed me by saying to dd3 'we'll have to go into town to spend your money' 😡 Dd is only 7 and I've now had to explain the whole situation to her again. My mother champions herself as an advocate of fairness(!)

I have asked her to find out his address to that I can write to him and calmly explain why this isn't acceptable.

[lottieandmia]

Well, it could be due to the fact that of the five siblings she has, he's the only one who she hasn't cut off.

Strangely enough, her other brother, when he made an unpleasant comment about my dd which was along the lines of she'll probably never go to university, she felt that was good enough reason to cut him off entirely. This is ok though(!)

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Your mother's desperation to avoid him being "offended" seems rather odd, frankly - is there any obvious reason for you, do you know?

[lottieandmia]

She's bringing up stupid things like she gave me money in the past - so that's not even something I did wrong - she seems to feel that this makes me in the wrong for something though. I didn't steal it!

I'm going to have difficulty finding out his address as well since he has recently moved. But there is no way I can let this go. In a way I would prefer to offend him so he stays away from my other children who he seems to want to see all the time when he's her but he doesn't even say hello to dd1.

[lasttimeround]

Doesn't matter what else you did wrong in life. Just do this right.
If your mum won't listen close down that conversation with her. It's really between you and your uncle anyway.

You can disagree with them if they won't listen. You are right about this and it's an important thing to be right about.

[LemonBreeland]

Tell your Mum you no longer wish to discuss it with her as you don't agree. Don't answer her call and don't engage. She is being completely ridiculous.

[lottieandmia]

It's not getting any better - my mum is determined to shut me up about it by bringing up everything I've ever done wrong in my life.

[lottieandmia]

Thank you for your kind words.

[lottieandmia]

He knew very well what he was doing. What happened was that he dropped the money in to my mum's and later when she told me about it, I said 'well what about L?' She said that he had said there was no point in him giving money to her because it wouldn't be used for her since she doesn't understand anything about money. It makes me angry that he would also take a swipe at me this way. As I've said, my daughter likes clothes, she also likes dolls and her teacher has recommended that I buy her an app called ProLoQuo2go which costs about £150 so I could even have put it towards that for her.

My mum doesn't get it at all. She says that she will give me £10 of her money to make it up -- completely missing the point! I am going to write a letter, calmly explaining why this is unacceptable. If he doesn't like it then I really couldn't care less.