To be angry that my disabled child is treated differently?

[lottieandmia]

I am so pissed off. My uncle has just given my two NT children £10 each and has left out my severely autistic dd as though she doesn't matter.

She may be disabled but she loves clothes like any other teenager. My mum is trying to defend him and it makes me so mad. Dd2 ( bless her) said 'I'll share mine with dd1'

But that isn't the point - it's not about the money it's the blatant disregard for her because she's disabled.

[LemonBreeland]

I would absolutely send it back. Your Mum is just as bad taking that attitude.

[MrEBear]

I would make up the difference yourself rather than take the money off the other two girls - who will have already made plans for it.

Uncle needs educating. I would mention to Uncle that DD is aware of money and is learning about how much things cost and she enjoys picking things for herself. Making him realise that missing her out isn't fair nor is it helping her. I don't think I could throw his support away or risk a family rift but at the same time he can't continue to ignore her.

[lottieandmia]

Well he is not supportive anyway. My other children won't miss out - dd2 is going to London on Saturday and I already promised her spending money for that. I'll make sure they all get something.

It is not the money - it's the sentiment. And as I say - his wife was disabled and was confined to a wheelchair her entire life. I am sure he must have experienced disability discrimination at some point and therefore I'm surprised at him.

[lottieandmia]

Completely agree zzzzz

[Nanny0gg]

Did he post it to them or give it to them in front of your DD?

If post, I would blatantly ask him if he forgot to put the third £10 in.

Then see what he says...

[HalfShellHero]

I am so angry for you and your DD, Im also sorry your mum's not backing you up, your other daughters a star!

[GipsyDanger]

If it was me, I would rip the notes into tiny pieces and then send it back in an envelope

[ovenchips]

I have a similar DC. I would be very upset. However I would have a conversation/ email conversation directly with him first before deciding what to do.

If it's unthinking/ ignorance that your DC could in fact make use of the money I would explain that he is wrong in his thinking and state expectation that she be included.

If it's deliberate exclusion that somehow your DC doesn't count in the same way as your other children I would tell him it's unacceptable behaviour and no one will be accepting gifts from him in the future.

I do make a distinction between people behaving crassly but absolutely meaning well and people who do genuinely seem to think people who think this with SN are lesser human beings. The first I make allowances for, the second I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.

I think you need to know which category you're dealing with first. You won't know this until you have a talk/ email with him.

[lasttimeround]

When I cut contact with my family about how they treated dd they went on and on about how I needed support (ie contact with them)
I felt very clear it wasn't support.
I'm very for explaining my position asking people to think about their actions. But if that doesn't yield change I walk and I won't compromise.
It's years ago now but this thread brought up all that pain again. I'm sorry for what's going on for you

[lottieandmia]

He knew very well what he was doing. What happened was that he dropped the money in to my mum's and later when she told me about it, I said 'well what about L?' She said that he had said there was no point in him giving money to her because it wouldn't be used for her since she doesn't understand anything about money. It makes me angry that he would also take a swipe at me this way. As I've said, my daughter likes clothes, she also likes dolls and her teacher has recommended that I buy her an app called ProLoQuo2go which costs about £150 so I could even have put it towards that for her.

My mum doesn't get it at all. She says that she will give me £10 of her money to make it up -- completely missing the point! I am going to write a letter, calmly explaining why this is unacceptable. If he doesn't like it then I really couldn't care less.

[lottieandmia]

Thank you for your kind words.

[lottieandmia]

It's not getting any better - my mum is determined to shut me up about it by bringing up everything I've ever done wrong in my life.

[LemonBreeland]

Tell your Mum you no longer wish to discuss it with her as you don't agree. Don't answer her call and don't engage. She is being completely ridiculous.

[lasttimeround]

Doesn't matter what else you did wrong in life. Just do this right.
If your mum won't listen close down that conversation with her. It's really between you and your uncle anyway.

You can disagree with them if they won't listen. You are right about this and it's an important thing to be right about.

[lottieandmia]

She's bringing up stupid things like she gave me money in the past - so that's not even something I did wrong - she seems to feel that this makes me in the wrong for something though. I didn't steal it!

I'm going to have difficulty finding out his address as well since he has recently moved. But there is no way I can let this go. In a way I would prefer to offend him so he stays away from my other children who he seems to want to see all the time when he's her but he doesn't even say hello to dd1.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Your mother's desperation to avoid him being "offended" seems rather odd, frankly - is there any obvious reason for you, do you know?

[lottieandmia]

Well, it could be due to the fact that of the five siblings she has, he's the only one who she hasn't cut off.

Strangely enough, her other brother, when he made an unpleasant comment about my dd which was along the lines of she'll probably never go to university, she felt that was good enough reason to cut him off entirely. This is ok though(!)

[lottieandmia]

My mum has annoyed me by saying to dd3 'we'll have to go into town to spend your money' 😡 Dd is only 7 and I've now had to explain the whole situation to her again. My mother champions herself as an advocate of fairness(!)

I have asked her to find out his address to that I can write to him and calmly explain why this isn't acceptable.

[WildDigestive]

Your mother is a pain in the ass and is being an apologist for blatant discrimination. I also don't agree that it's your duty to be a perennially-available educational resource for the thick and insensitive like your uncle -- I imagine that like many people with a disability, or the parent of a child with additional needs, you could spend your entire life educating those who are too unthinking to consider their own behaviour from anyone else's POV. There may be times when education is appropriate, especially if you feel that thoughtless behaviour is out of character for the person - there are also times when you should do whatever makes you feel less angry.

(My mother would in a meeker kind of way be responding in a similar way to yours - chiefly because it's women's job to cover over male bad behaviour, in her eyes, and she's too terrified of 'looking bad' to confront anyone about anything. She is not a racist person left to herself, for instance, but I have seen her nod along and make all the right noises when listening to a racist tirade. Not that it excuses your mother's behaviour for a second, just saying I've been there. You apparently don't get to be offended, but it matters terribly if someone else is.)

[manicinsomniac]

YANBU, what awful behaviour. If I thought it was unthinking ignorance and he didn't know your family well, I might have let it go and/or explained my view. But from more recent posts he just sounds like a horrible person. I would return the money with thanks and say you need all your children to be treated equally and respectfully so you're unable to accept the gift.

He's the one who will lose out in the end - on his relationship with all of you. Some of my cousins had a grandmother (so not the one we shared) who would give all of them presents for Christmas/birthdays but often gave extra random presents to the boys in the family but not to the girls. Her reason was that she loved 'her' boys and wanted to treat them. As a result she saw very little of any of the family and was a very lonely, bitter old woman.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

of the five siblings she has, he's the only one who she hasn't cut off

Sounds significant Give her enough time and she'll probably get round to this one as well ...

[lottieandmia]

I don't have a good relationship with with my mum either TBH. She and her siblings had a very toxic mother who did terrible things like euthanise their pets while they were at school and inflicted lots of emotional abuse. As well as pit them against each other.

But that doesn't make this ok. I feel that when he comes he always wants to spend time with my other two children but has no time for dd1. He doesn't even say hello to her. There is no excuse. I've had boyfriends with no children who have been really good with her. I've rarely felt that she's been treated like a second class citizen. I think my mum is now accepting of the idea that I'm going to write a letter and return the money.