AIBU to worry that my strangeness and mistakes are rubbing off on the children and making them unpopular?

[readinglistfun]

I have never really fit in with most people i know. I have always been happy as i am but i know that people do think i am a little odd. I don't do anything very out of the ordinary but its little things like the fact I don't drink alcohol or the fact i spend alot of time reading, I don;t really watch that much tv. I dont wear much or any makeup etc. In general I just get on with my own thing and not bother about other people but I have been told many times that i'm weird .

I keep making stupid mistakes - today for example there is a party at the school which was called a halloween party. So I let my 6 year old wear a witches dress (she saw it in the shop and wanted to get it to wear). When we got there no other children were dressed up they were just in jeans.

I have a large family of 6 children and up until this point I have never worried about that rubbing off on them and they are all healthy, happy children. Last year my son started getting badly bullied at school for being weird they started to call the whole family the weird "family name".

My dd just started secondary school and she is getting on ok but has been made fun of recently because they recently had a talent show and as she didnt know any popular songs she just made one up to sing. This was clearly the wrong thing to do. She apparently also answers too many questions in the lessons.

My son is now home educated as it got so bad - of course this just adds to the weird label but his anxiety had gone so high that we had no real choice. He is very happy now and thriving. My 3 next children still go to that school and my 7 year old is now getting upset because people are making fun of her for watching my little pony and barbie.

My 6 year old has no friends - this was actually an issue raised by her teacher who said there wasnt much they could do.

Someone recently said to me "wow you turned them into tiny versions of you".

I am just horrified and feel like i have ruined them!

Is it really possible that all my strangeness has rubbed off on them?
I know this sounds like a really silly thread but I am actually really upset.

"One of the things that may be making you stand out is that you're a large family and that's quite unusual nowadays."

I did wonder if it might be as simple as that.

The kids are maybe busy, finding things to do together & tv for example doesn't really feature for them.

I think that if they have access to tv/internet to either watch or read about "popular" shows there's not much else you can do.

If they prefer to follow your example & read a book, that's that.

Your daughter who sang in the talent contest-did she talk to you about it at all & her plan to make up a song of her own?

You don't sound weird to me at all.

But you do sound hyper-critical of yourself - perhaps try letting that go a bit?

Stay exactly as you are! You sound like a lovely person and mum and I'm sure your kids love you just he way you are. Who wants to be a clone anyway? The world would be a very boring place if everyone was the same.

Nah not weird. Bit eccentric maybe? It sounds like everyone else is the problem
a) halloween party. I honestly would have thought most 6 year olds would want to dress up. wearing jeans to a party seems 'weird'. The older kids perhaps but not Y1/Y2

b) large family of 6 children - well some folk pick up on this and think its 'weird'. Its not.

c) she didn't know any popular songs she just made one up to sing. - f**king awesome kid! (DS2 makes up songs constantly).

d) She apparently also answers too many questions in the lessons. (yeah, she sounds more and more like DS2 - he's enthusiastic and quite a know it all but he's fabulous)

e) My son...is very happy now and thriving. - respect to you.

f) My 7 year old is now getting upset because people are making fun of her for watching my little pony and barbie. - FFS - its definitely everyone else. She is SEVEN! My 6 year old loves this sh*t. He wants frozen lego for his birthday and a pearl doll (overpriced 18" doll with super-long hair that he can dress like Elsa) His friends love him.

f) My 6 year old has no friends - I'm so sorry and I wouldn't know how to handle that one.

g) So now we have 30 numbered ghosts and a giant haunted house on the living room wall. - we have a 'happy Easter' poster on the living room wall. They did such a good job we never took it down. Homes aren't meant to be showrooms. This is a sign of a fun abode!

You lot sound fab.

I don't think Op sounds hyper critical of herself. She has a genuine concern for her kids emotional well being as they don't fit in.
I like the previous advice to ask children what they want. Your kids might be perfectly happy to be different or they might br wishing they knew what to so to fit in.

Also, even if you were the most socially-adjusted, nuanced, person ever - your children would still sometimes make embarrassing social faux pas at school, because they are learning and practising social skills for themselves. They would also occasionally get randomly "shamed" for having the wrong bag/show/food preference/favourite colour/etc by other children. because the other children are practising social skills too, and are therefore occasionally rude or over-reaching in their attempts to be dominant.

Yep, I hate to break it to you but you are not in any way weird.

Feeling like you don't fit in is very, very normal.

You aren't weird at all, socialise with like minded families. I'm afraid that unless you are 100% mainstream clones people judge. Be proud to be your own selves!! And quite tough with it too. Lol, hugs, you sound great to me.

'Screw-loose weird' is perhaps not the nicest or most helpful way of describing it. But in general, when other people perceive someone else to be weird they usually have either a) completely bizarre hobbies and interests, not something as normal as reading or b) a different way of interacting socially. Perhaps it is the latter rather than the former that makes you feel like you didn't always fit in with people.

I say that as someone who has come from quite an 'alternative' family and I was sometimes picked on for things like answering too many questions in class. But I have never struggled with friendships or socialising because my social skills are ok and I learnt how to chat and make small talk with people about everyday topics. People don't tend to think of me as weird as far as I know

You sound lovely and like you're doing a great job. Don't change for other people.

You're not weird OP! Well, if you're weird then I am too . My dh, dc and I all read loads, are massive fans of all sorts of geeky stuff, aren't into popular tv programmes. My dd watches My Little Pony and she's 11! She isn't remotely interested in clothes, pop music, make-up etc and spends most of her lunch times in the school library with her little gang of geeky friends, or at computing club.

Seriously, people who think you're weird are idiots.

You sound lovely and perfectly normal, maybe just not very 'mainstream' (a good thing IMHO).

It's hard growing up as a child who stands out from the crowd for whatever reason, but in my opinion it's much more important for a child to grow up to be kind, empathic, polite and with the ability to reason rather than blindly follow.

We seem to have a society now more than ever where the default is to fit in, not raise a head above the parapet and be somewhat homogenous in appearance and attitude.

PS. If you were living in Bristol/Somerset/Brighton then people wouldn't take the piss out of you for carving a wooden spoon on a Sunday. You'd be selling those bad boys for 25 quid a pop down the craft market.

First thing, if you are odd then so am I (and my family).
And yes I do feel odd compare to other people. What you are decsribing are the sort of thing we do. Add to that some meditation and no TV and you can see that we are doomed.

My dcs have had some similar issues except that they have never been bullied but yes they did struggle to 'fit in' and still do.
I dothink though, that they struggle to fit in in our small white MC town but they would have much less issues in a more err... diverse environment.

What I have done though is to check that they do have 'a minimum' to not look too out of touch. So we got an xbox (that is hardly played with but its there if friends are coming over, about 3 or 4 times in the year if that), older dc has a nice phone.
And I have done my best to teach them that everyone does things in very different ways and that's OK. To feel as self confident as possible (we've purposely done activities just for that).
It seems to be working but they know they are not made from the same mould than everyone else. They are still happy though :)

you sound absolutely fine to me. i would also assume that a witch costume would be needed at a halloween party.

when i started secondary school the girl i first sat next to warned me off talking to another girl because she was 'really weird' and so was her whole family (she had known her from primary school). luckily it didn't put me off - that 'really weird' girl has been my best friend for almost 30 years. apparently she had a bit of a tough time at primary school for being into things that weren't mainstream (animals, being a tomboy) but at secondary school noone really cared that she ploughed her own furrow, and actually at the age of about 14 her weirdness morphed into what people saw as individuality and 'coolness'. what i'm trying to long-windedly say is that being perceived as weird at 6 doesn't mean anything for the future really. all your kids sound lovely

You sound like a marvellous family.

It's where you live, people in small towns are heterogeneous, parochial and frankly dull

If you lived somewhere else, with eccentrics and arty types and home edders etc etc you'd all be the "normal" ones.

You sound like me, OP! I grew up in a very 'normal' family and was told that it was weird to enjoy reading books instead of liking pop music, etc. It took me a very long time to realise that when my parents said 'but nobody does that' they meant nobody in their very limited social circle. I'm a bit eccentric, but nowhere near as weird as I was raised to think I was.

You definitely have not 'ruined' your children. If there's a problem it's with society, not with them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with kids wearing Halloween costumes, making up songs or liking to watch shows like My Little Pony even if their peers don't. If anything, it'd be damaging for a parent to tell them there was something wrong with any of this.

Your children sound lovely, and like individuals, which is a very good thing! As long as you aren't actively preventing them from doing more 'mainstream' things if they want to, you aren't doing anything wrong. If other children are making fun of them, the problem lies with those children. 'Fit in so you won't be teased' isn't a good ethical message at all. If a child is being bullied, the solution isn't to tell them how to change to be more acceptable to the bully!

Oh, apologies to people in small towns who aren't like that, in my experience the majority are.

I was going to say that I don't really agree with the small town comments. I grew up in a small working class town and am now a 'north london intellectual' type. Obviously there's a huge difference in culture but I don't agree that there is less creativity and eccentricity in small towns than among middle class metropolitan elites. It does look different in the two places. I really like Grayson perry's documentaries which recognise that working class people's tattoos, dressing up for a night out, kick boxing, are also valid forms of self expression.

myown I dont get the 'tattoos, kickboxing etc' form of expression where I live. It's too much MC for that!

I have also found, for example, it's much easier to fit in in the farming community when you arent quite fitting in than the small MC class town I live in.

I think I'd ask you older children if they'd like to watch X Factor or whatever the 'must watch' thing of the moment is. Then if they want to be able hold their own with small talk about whoever's doing what on it, they can. If not, then that's fine too - their choice.

You sound in NO way, weird OP. You and your family sound awesome. I know families who go the whole hog for Halloween and virtually the whole of the interior is full of ghosts, ghouls and stray skeletons etc. They just make the most of every festival that comes round and I love to see such enthusiasm and joy. It's contageous.

I'd talk to 6 year old DDs teacher and also to someone re the 'weird family .....' moniker. As others have said, that needs stamping on sharpish.

I know many people who do crafts with their kids and try out all sorts of different activities and go on outings you wouldn't sometimes think to take kids to. It's wonderful because they get to see that there are so many different things to do and see and the world doesn't just revolve round music and gaming (though there's a place for those too).

If the way you are and the things you do rub off on your children you should be bloody proud because they are all fine things to do - reading, wood carving, decorating the house for Halloween etc. Please try not to change but if there are ways to help your children by giving them the option to watch programmes their peers watch etc, and by talking to the 6 year old's teacher re the teasing about her choice of toys etc, then that sounds sensible. I swear sooooooo many girls that age are into Barbie, My Little Pony, Pinky Pie, Shopkins etc - that's what they do at that age surely!!!!! I cannot believe no one else in her class that age don't bother with this stuff.

I think your sister sounds hyper-critical. I think this can happen sometimes in families where one person can be much more critical of their relative than any outsider would be. Does she perhaps think that your unusual habits reflect badly on her? My mum is a bit this way (not in a mean way), but she's very aware of 'weird' behaviour and worries about it. This stems from her perception of her family as weird when she was a teenager. She kept asking DSis and I when we were going to grow out of eg playing with dolls, dressing up for Hallowe'en (which we still do at the age of 33), reading children's books etc. Even aged 11, we were the ones telling her to chill out.

I don't think you sound weird at all!

you sound normal to me OP, for what it's worth

Actually, only yesterday I was wondering if I need to reign in my own weirdness a bit more, as my kids now think it is normal to constantly burst into random songs at any given time (some words trigger a song for me, then I adapt the lyrics, I have become quite quick at making up an entire some ad improviso, not sure WHY I do it. Guess am just a bit weird) and call each other weird nicknames, mainly listen to opera, read obscure foreign language books etc.

I have made an effort to get the kids in picture with pop culture, as I was not allowed to watch "scary" tv (such as Knight Rider, even as a teen) or listen to pop music, and with my home made grey bread sandwiches and hair cut by my mum, I never stood a chance anyway at school, but was happy with my own group of outsiders).

You probably live in a very conformist area, that's the problem

Don't worry too much, and maybe give your kids small doses of pop culture so they "fit in" a bit more, without changing any of their fun and wonderful uniqueness!

I find that people are more conformist now than in the 70s, and that is a shame.