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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be p****** off with MIL

105 replies

Brighteyes27 · 18/10/2016 10:39

Lots of background to this but the latest is MIL tells me at the weekend as she is visiting her DD (DD has no family) over seas this Christmas. Supposedly MIL and my other SIL think we should all get together in December before she goes away. She said they have decided (between them) either we all go down to MIL (3 hours drive away for us) all stay in a hotel there and go out for a meal or we all go to SIL's 5 bed house (2.5 hours drive away for us). We can chose one of two weekends in December for the visit let her know and she will arrange it with my SIL and let us know. I wouldn't mind staying in a Premier Inn for 1 night in either location or a location mid way for us all and if we know now we could book and get a good deal. But basically AIBU to think the invite should come from SIL she is a busy woman, it is her home and not up to MIL to invite us to stay at SIL's. I wonder if she has engineered this situation to bully us all to meet up at the same time? Recently we had another cryptic invitation to stay at SIL's when MIL's daughter was visiting (again invite come from MIL) then it all went quiet and we had no idea what was happening. In the end DH spoke to his mum days before the event apparently MIL had made this suggestion but SIL hadn't said anything when she asked if we could stay so we had to see the family at another time. We could have booked a Premier Inn but communication all done by MIL!!! I get on with SIL but we're not massively close she works long hours and the main things we have in common is our gender, Manipulatice MIL, both have two kids and both love wine. She has a high powered full time job. I work pt and we have a lowly 3 bed semi. Both families have two children each. How shall I proceed so SIL knows we are not assuming we could stay there and so she knows it's not us pushing to meet up?

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 19/10/2016 11:21

It is odd to go on and on about the relative size of your houses. You do sound jealous.

I don't have a 5 bed party style house (I don't even know what a party style house is but it sounds fabulous and I want one with every fibre of my being), but I could certainly accommodate 4-6 house guests for one night. Sofas/Air beds/top and tailing/rows of children in sleeping bags on the living room floor. We've done it all here.

SuperFlyHigh · 19/10/2016 11:27

Chipped have to agree it sounds like jealousy!

Party houses obviously mean big showy houses with tons of room - I know one 'friend' who has one (immaculate, spent a lot of money on it!) and my aunt (no kids, married, now selling nice but big house for other nice big house but a 'project' other side of the country!).

if SIL wants to host you in her 'party house' what's the problem?

Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 19/10/2016 11:45

You just don't get it I am not jealous SIL hasn't offered MIL offered on SIL's behalf no doubt without consulting her!!!!! Waiting for her FB message reply to organise it ourselves.

The children could top and tail and we could sleep downstairs easily it's the 4 adults we don't have space for we also have a very large hairy dog in the mix......!!!!

OP posts:
diddl · 19/10/2016 14:40

How do you know that SIL doesn't know anything about it?

Chippednailvarnishing · 19/10/2016 14:52

You just don't get it

Oh, I think we do. Very clearly.

AmeliaJack · 19/10/2016 14:54

Brighteyes I think the issue is that you don't really seem to know your SIL very well.

I was a bit Hmm at the "only thing we have in common is gender" comment.

You can be friends without having anything in common. I bet you she doesn't care a jot about the size of your house (my house is like your SILs and I certainly don't judge other people by their houses).

It might be worth speaking to your brother about doing more social events with his brother's family so you get to know each other better without all the back and forth with MIL.

She might be very busy, but I'm sure she'll reply to your message within a few days.

Overthinker2016 · 19/10/2016 17:37

What has the size of SILs house actually got to do with your current issue though?

Your current issue is a communication issue between you, your mother in law and your sister in law.

Yet you are banging on about how many bedrooms your sister in law has. Bizarre.

Overthinker2016 · 19/10/2016 17:37

PS yes, YANBU

Overthinker2016 · 19/10/2016 17:43

I mean YABU

Damn you Mumsnet abbreviations from confusing me

Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 19/10/2016 18:11

  1. Both MIL & her daughter have both invited us all to stay at SIL's on a previous occasion when she hadn't asked even asked her. We wanted to book a hotel for a recent occasion but everything up in the air till last minute so we weren't even sure of the location we were meeting at. In fact didn't even have SIL's address or number to see which hotels were near hers but a hotel in a city/town over 50 miles away was mentioned at one stage.

  2. we haven't seen much of BIL & SIL previously as their children are much younger than ours and they have only recently moved back to U.K. from Ireland. They live just over 2,5 hours away and we both have dogs.

  3. MIL always wants to be in control and have us all dancing to her tune but she is not brilliant at organising anything. MIL has wound us both up on various occasions saying we have both stopped her sons from seeing her, moaning about our house work, cold houses etc etc. Yet we both have to remind her sons to keep in touch with her and call her.

It's all in hand now SIL has messaged she is equally peed off with MIL for a number of reasons so it's not just me. She is phoning me tonight.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 19/10/2016 18:13

I don't see why you can't just phone your SiL? If she isn't there, leave a message.

Thattimeofyearagain · 19/10/2016 18:14

Good, sort it between yourselves Wink

Craigie · 19/10/2016 18:15

Eh, ring or text you SIL.

SuperFlyHigh · 19/10/2016 18:19

Slight drip feed there re your MIL.

Jachog op didn't want to phone SIL because she'd be busy (SIL) with bedtime etc

AnnabelC · 19/10/2016 18:33

Bright eyes you sound like you feel inferior. Be confident with Sil. So she is in a meeting, putting kids to bed etc. Would you mind if she rang you? You are just as important. She can decide to answer the phone or not. Leave a message. What are you scared of? Rejection ?

EenyMeenyMo · 19/10/2016 18:41

I think your problem is that your MIL takes the role of intermediary and isn't very good at it- so it puts you in some sticky positions. But a lot of this can be resolved by just talking directly to your SIL. Just text her asking her to confirm/give you a call. Stop getting hung up on her high status job/perceived wealth- it sounds like you are making this a problem not her.

For what its worth it drives me mad that my MIL has to be involved in all discussions - DP and DBILs never speak directly and it is infuriating- however when I have tried to do things directly (I messaged DBIL to arrange a meet up) - it didn't help (DBIL obviously spoke to MIL who immediately arranged a meeting )- i think its a combination of the brothers being crap/not used to talking together and DMIL not wanting to be cut out

Ketchuponpizza · 19/10/2016 18:41

To be honest, what I am reading here is that MIL is desperate to have her family gathered together on a more regular basis. With all the methods of communication available these days, why not set up a group email/chat/thread/whatsapp?

We have great distances involved in our family, mil only hears what she wants to hear, regularly accuses me of not telling her our dates (and she likes to play the victim, manipulate/guilt people), so I took the bull by the horns and set up a thread for all of us to communicate when we might be able to get together.

Perhaps, you and other siblings could decide maybe twice a year, to all get together? Then she knows that if you meet in December then you will all be doing it again, maybe in May or June?

Hope phonecall with SIL clears it all up. Stay in touch. Communication is key (esp with tricky families!)

AmeliaJack · 19/10/2016 18:42

I think it sounds like you could have an ally in SIL if you could work to build that relationship.

Keeping the channels open between the two of you would help avoid these kind of annoyance with MIL.

Lively · 19/10/2016 18:59

Happy Families. Sometimes it's just better to suck it up and put on your best rictus smile in the interests of long term relationships.

altiara · 19/10/2016 19:27

I'd make sure you get everyone's phone numbers, always be proactive so you're not reliant on MIL thinking things in her head without organising it.
So I get why you're annoyed, but I'd still say YABU as you/DH need to be more proactive and organise things rather than waiting. (Surely DH would have his brothers phone number?). Good luck.

FlabulousChic · 19/10/2016 19:29

Send a text if you can't ring. Stop morning and be proactive

inappropriateraspberry · 19/10/2016 20:17

Glad you're now sorting it, but really, it's not that complicated. Sounds like MIL suggested meet up, suggesting that maybe you could stay at SIL's. Perhaps she wasn't offering you stay there, just saying it might be an option? Someone's got to be the first to suggest a meeting - this was MIL's role. Then it's up to you to work out how you do it - not her job. That's when you call SIL to discuss, which you are doing. Hope you have a lovely time, but don't feel inferior and don't compare yourself! You're all family!!

Shockers · 19/10/2016 21:37

You are overthinking the money/house thing. People who live in really nice houses love to spend time with their family too!

Check that the invitation was instigated by SIL first. Then buy lovely flowers and nice wine and enjoy your stay.

Kkmuppet · 20/10/2016 01:49

OP - As someone who also has a hectic work life and is constantly trying to avoid going to networking events and similar, I always find it really easy if people text or message me on FB or whatsapp- that way I can call back if I'm free but if I'm in a meeting I can often still read and respond so they get a quicker reply than leaving a voicemail that I might not have time to return until much later in the day. I don't think you should avoid contacting your SIL just in case she is busy - just contact her in a way that makes it easiest for her to respond and actually is low effort for you too

Kkmuppet · 20/10/2016 01:53

first time I try the strike through trick and total fail! I'm guessing it's that space after the -- :-(