AIBU to be p****** off with MIL

[Brighteyes27]

Lots of background to this but the latest is MIL tells me at the weekend as she is visiting her DD (DD has no family) over seas this Christmas. Supposedly MIL and my other SIL think we should all get together in December before she goes away. She said they have decided (between them) either we all go down to MIL (3 hours drive away for us) all stay in a hotel there and go out for a meal or we all go to SIL's 5 bed house (2.5 hours drive away for us). We can chose one of two weekends in December for the visit let her know and she will arrange it with my SIL and let us know. I wouldn't mind staying in a Premier Inn for 1 night in either location or a location mid way for us all and if we know now we could book and get a good deal. But basically AIBU to think the invite should come from SIL she is a busy woman, it is her home and not up to MIL to invite us to stay at SIL's. I wonder if she has engineered this situation to bully us all to meet up at the same time? Recently we had another cryptic invitation to stay at SIL's when MIL's daughter was visiting (again invite come from MIL) then it all went quiet and we had no idea what was happening. In the end DH spoke to his mum days before the event apparently MIL had made this suggestion but SIL hadn't said anything when she asked if we could stay so we had to see the family at another time. We could have booked a Premier Inn but communication all done by MIL!!! I get on with SIL but we're not massively close she works long hours and the main things we have in common is our gender, Manipulatice MIL, both have two kids and both love wine. She has a high powered full time job. I work pt and we have a lowly 3 bed semi. Both families have two children each. How shall I proceed so SIL knows we are not assuming we could stay there and so she knows it's not us pushing to meet up?

God some nasty people out there today. Jumping to conclusions and throwing insults around!!!

1. bit miffed MIL & SIL supposedly making arrangemnts between them and telling us expecting us to fit in with whatever suits them.
2. We have a child with a December birthday one of the weekends.
3. last time SIL messaged me on FB to say I believe we are meant to be meeting up in x place in a few weeks time when x home. This was the first we knew about it. She had obviously told MIL she had put her foot in it by mentioning it to me. Eventually 3 weeks later MIL mentioned it in passing to us. Apparently on the weekend in question we were firstly all expected to stay in a hotel costing nearly £700 a night for DBB for our family. We said that would be too expensive for us but we could stay nearby and maybe meet them for lunch or the meal at night. Then MIL and also her daughter both mentioned on the phone on two separate occasions each instead of staying there as it was too expensive for us we could all stay at SIL's house on x night. I would rather SIL had done the inviting but was happy to stay. We heard nothing more and DH fairly chilled out so he didn't push it. Really close to the time DH eventually spoke to his mum on the phone to check the arrangements on Saturday only to be told yes everyone is going there, yes she'd asked SIL if we could stay as well but she didn't say anything so she guessed we couldn't. She didn't mention any of this to us we found out by chance after keeping the weekend free. At this point we didn't even know where they lived so couldn't even book a hotel nearby and join them for a meal etc had we been invited. We'd also cancelled any plans for the weekend. So understandably as this was Saturday gone understandably MIL's arrangements and communication still understandably P* me off a little.

Dodo bookends glad I am not alone in feeling like this.

If you're pissed off that communicating using your MIL as the middle man hasn't worked out so well in the past, do the adult thing and phone SIL yourself? It's so simple.

Telling you it's common sense to contact sil yourself is not being nasty.

MIL put herself there as middle man middle woman I certainly didn't or wouldn't have. I am sure she'll have wound up sis in law as well @ the weekend. I have now sent SIL a FB message but wouldn't be surprised if she knows nothing of this, this time.

Thanks for the helpful comments those who made nasty unhelpful comments I will rise above these go find another victim to upset gang up on. I don't have a chip on my shoulder we just live different lives.

I agree, message SIL. It's terribly common for men not to bother keeping in touch with family, they just let all the women do it and make arrangements and go along with it. Even in families who like each other.

From your post I get the sense that the only person who wants this get together is MIL, and I share your dislike of her just making free with SIL's home; no wonder she didn't reply last time. It's Your DH's family, does he really want to do this? Is MIL likely to want to stay in a posher hotel than a Premier Inn, and eat at an expensive restaurant?

I suggest that you take the control away from MIL and arrange with SIL a location, let her know that you will be booking a Premier Inn, and consider restaurant options. If none of the times are suitable for all, well that's a shame but it looks as though there won't be a get together MIL! Don't bust a gut trying to fit in with what everyone else wants if it isn't what you want.

You sound like you have massive house size and communication related hangups.

Do your SIL / MIL a favour and stay at home, because by the sounds of it you'll never be happy whatever they do / don't do in their mansion / travelodge / whatever.

It sounds as if you really don't like them (agree with others re the 'chip'). It certainly doesn't sound as if anyone is 'bullying' you and it does seem quite likely that ... aware of your feelings ... everyone is trying to coordinate things via MIL. It sounds as if MIL is actually trying to make the arrangements easier for you.

Having said that, it does sound as if your feelings run quite deeply (and there may or may not be good reason for that) so perhaps you would feel most comfortable opting out all together.

If so, you could simply say that you are sorry not to be able to make either of the suggested weekends, but you don't want to put a dampner on the gathering, so your DH and DCs will still come.

Whether you go or not, why not leave it to DH to make the arrangements.

MIL put herself there as middle man middle woman I certainly didn't or wouldn't have.

But if she doesn't put herself out and make the effort to get the family together before Christmas, who actually will?

Perhaps next year you and your DH can tell her to relax and that you'll both do all the arranging?

There are no nasty comments...just people stating the bloody obvious.

Organising a Christmas get together is not bullying, you can contact your sil yourself...and her having a posher house than you is irrelevant.

Of course if you want to think of yourself as a helpless victim of your in laws 'bullying' there is nothing we can do to change your mindset.

Good luck with it.

"go find another victim to upset gang up on"

Do you really feel you have been victimized by 'us' (the respondants to your 'AIBU')? Ganged up on?

Don't go then!

Tbh if my MIL was away for Christmas, I wouldn't feel that I had to see her before or after to "make up for it" & neither would my husband.

If she was away for the time that my husband was off, that would be it.

I do think it's a bit unkind to suggest that the OP has a chip about the size of the house! It is sort of relevant to the story because it explains why everyone can stay at SIL's place and why a £700 weekend away isn't doable for her. I don't think she was nasty about it, just stating a difference in circumstances.

OP: your mother is using the fact that all communication has to be filtered through her to control all of you. You need to get a mobile number or even an email address and circumvent her by building a proper, adult relationship with your SIL. A quick email should sort it: 'Hi, hope you're well - we got this invitation from MIL about Christmas, but wanted to check that it's definitely coming from you and that she hasn't just invited us all to your beautiful house without checking with you! (After a terrible fictional mixup with a friend, I've decided always to check whether invitations are definitely from the person who is reported as offering them!) Hope we can catch up soon - it's been ages and I'd love a glass of wine!!'.

I do think that organising Christmas with so many different schedules is a nightmare, so while it would be nice if you were included at an earlier point, it is fairly normal that there are only a limited range of options. Maybe you could ask for it to be arranged on something like a Doodle poll, so that it's more equal and everyone can see who is available and when?

Can your DH speak to his DB about it? It is their mother arranging all of this presumably, so why are they leaving everything to the womenfolk to sort out?

As someone with a busy job etc etc, I can tell you that it's really not a big deal to call someone when they're at a 'networking event'. If she's that high-powered she will be able to talk for a minute or arrange another time. Being high powered means you are managing lots of stuff; it won't faze her. If she reschedules because she's tired, maybe she is tired?? Just keep firmly saying I really need to catch up with you about something, and you'll pin her down eventually.

You sound massively intimidated by her to the point where you'd rather have whispers and rumours and non-arranged events rather than ask for clarity.

Knackered even reading the post.

If it doesn't suit don't do it.

You donsound like you are overthinking this. It sounds like your MIL is bending over backwards to find a date and arrangement you will be happy with and you are picking holes and making snippy comments about mansions and social circles.

I would definitely pick the weekend of your DCs birthday. How nice for them to be part of a big family group on their special day. And contact your SIL directly by whichever up intrusive method suits you best and communicate with her like an adult.

Finally, bemoaning your fate as the poor relation because you 'only' have a three bed semi and and 'only' afford a Premier Inn is a bit first world problems. Plenty of people on MN and throughout the world would love to be able to afford what you have.

TYPO. Unintrusive. Not up intrusive.

Since your SIL does respond to text messages, then text her to ask about the sleeping arrangements.
Explain that you would be unable to afford a high-end hotel, so need to know soon if she can put you up as you'll need to book an affordable hotel quite fast (you will, too)
Also wouldn't hurt to remind them that it is your DC's birthday (e.g. "it is, as you'll of course know, DCx's birthday on Z weekend"...)

And no, YANBU to be pissed off at being in this situation - it's unreasonable of everyone else to leave you with only partial info and fail to communicate effectively. You say you've tried but SIL often doesn't call back, so yes, she's busy but it takes seconds to text and say "sorry, that doesn't work for us" or whatever, not just leave you hanging!!

Honestly, I've just read your second account of mil unreasonableness, and while there is poor communication, it doesn't seem to be all in their side.

Weeks before the event sil mentions it to you, under the impression you know. Easy mistake, maybe mil has forgotten to tell you, or maybe it's crossed wires and she thought sil was telling you. Your (and dh's) response is not to call up mil and ask about the event but to do nothing.

Three weeks later mil mentions event again, tells you the costs of hotel, you say you can't afford it. Fine.

The event is mentioned at least two more times by mil and sister who are still trying to facilitate you going and suggest maybe sil will put you up. You decide not to ask sil, or look into making other arrangements (like a hotel) and again you do nothing.

Finally you Dh 'eventually' checked the arrangements right before the event (something the two of you could have done earlier) to ask if sil can put you up and are told no. You then complain that you couldn't book a hotel because you didn't know where it was (did you bother to ask anyone? Or just sit and wait to be told?).

Basically the whole story comes across as mil and family trying to see if you want be involved, you and Dh not bothering to try to make it work or get involved in the planning, just sitting back and complaining that they don't communicate in the way you want. Then you complain that mil doesn't involve you the planning!

If I repeatedly mentioned a family event to someone who showed no interest in trying make it, I'd just assume you weren't that interested and drop it.

Seriously, take the initiative, you (or Dh) get involved and talk to people, and make the plans work for you too.

Txt, call or email sil. "Sil can you give me a call it's about Xmas meet up" Stop being a drama llama about it!
Why are you staying in a Hotel if they live in a mansion? Can't you stay at their house?

How are you being bullied? You have a choice of dates and places to stay - perhaps mil, SIL etc would like to see your child on his/her birthday?

The way you describe your different houses is very telling