AIBU to be p****** off with MIL

[Brighteyes27]

Lots of background to this but the latest is MIL tells me at the weekend as she is visiting her DD (DD has no family) over seas this Christmas. Supposedly MIL and my other SIL think we should all get together in December before she goes away. She said they have decided (between them) either we all go down to MIL (3 hours drive away for us) all stay in a hotel there and go out for a meal or we all go to SIL's 5 bed house (2.5 hours drive away for us). We can chose one of two weekends in December for the visit let her know and she will arrange it with my SIL and let us know. I wouldn't mind staying in a Premier Inn for 1 night in either location or a location mid way for us all and if we know now we could book and get a good deal. But basically AIBU to think the invite should come from SIL she is a busy woman, it is her home and not up to MIL to invite us to stay at SIL's. I wonder if she has engineered this situation to bully us all to meet up at the same time? Recently we had another cryptic invitation to stay at SIL's when MIL's daughter was visiting (again invite come from MIL) then it all went quiet and we had no idea what was happening. In the end DH spoke to his mum days before the event apparently MIL had made this suggestion but SIL hadn't said anything when she asked if we could stay so we had to see the family at another time. We could have booked a Premier Inn but communication all done by MIL!!! I get on with SIL but we're not massively close she works long hours and the main things we have in common is our gender, Manipulatice MIL, both have two kids and both love wine. She has a high powered full time job. I work pt and we have a lowly 3 bed semi. Both families have two children each. How shall I proceed so SIL knows we are not assuming we could stay there and so she knows it's not us pushing to meet up?

Thanks shove the holly exactly re: the house size. It also does look very lovely but I wouldn't want her to feel we had assumed she had to put us all up etc. I have said to DH to contact his brother directly before on many occasions but for what ever reason they don't and MIL always holds the reins. I have messaged SIL saying MIL had suggested a meet up and saying happy to stay at a hotel either near to MIL, near to them or somewhere in between if she wants to meet up. If she suggests staying there that will be fine if she suggests another location providing it's not over £500 plus for one night again I would also fine with this. It's the not knowing and leaving everything to the last minute I find hard.

You sound very defensive OP!

How were we to know your child has a birthday in December? (called a drip feed if we want to be pedantic here!).

You also state you're 'a bit down' and the houses comment makes me feel you're insecure...

MN doesn't mean to gang up on anyone (PAs not allowed anyway!).

I take on board you not knowing, expensive hotels and last minute too - that would 'boil my piss!'.

I would speak to both of them about how you're feeling and state the above points. At least then they both know.

Honestly if you were in our family you'd never see anyone, ever, they only way we get to meet up if it's arranged exactly as you have described.

One, glaring thing leaping out at me - it's all IL family, so why's it up to you? Your DH should step up too, sorting things out with his own family surely?

I think FB messaging a great idea as she can respond when she is able, but honestly it does sound a bit like you are overthinking this, it shoulds like a sensible solution that should fit all 'round. It's nobodies fault your DC has a December birthday - there being limited weekends in Dec it's inevitable that one of them might be the same as the birthday, we have 3 in our immediate family in the month before Christmas.

It's your husband's brother (not sister) that's the relative involved? Tell them to sort it.

Then shrug and disclaim all knowledge.

I'm sorry OP but you sound like YABU and rather OTT.

I totally appreciate that this must be a frustrating way to organise things but there are two simple solutions which you don't seem to be employing here, the first is to contact your SIL directly (via text, FB etc) which I can see you have done now. Second would be to say "sounds lovely MIL but won't work for us I'm afraid due to x, y, z"

You could also get your DH to just deal with it though.

It just sounds very OTT to me I'm afraid.

So they want to meet in December.

You either say yes or no.

If it's yes you then add your preferences.

Or suggest you meet for lunch somewhere convenient to all & no overnight necessary?

I too think that your DH is at fault here.
Mine is similarly crap when left to sort anything out, so I end up having to take the reins somewhat or nothing would get done, in terms of planning family meet ups or whatever.
DH has this weird sort of idea that everyone will of course be available last minute to just fall in with his plans - and of course they're not! I find it incredibly annoying that he's so self-centred.

Your DH is either equally self-centred or just too damn lazy to do anything sensible - so you're either going to have to bite the bullet more and take proper control, or accept that nothing is ever going to get planned ahead of time to your satisfaction.

Christ you sound hard work, not to mention extremely chippy that your SiL dares to have a career.

Btw, SIL might already be "in the loop".

If I suggested a meet up to my mum, she might then say that she'd talk to my sister about it & then get back to me for example.

What a massive hullabaloo over nowt

I think suggesting a lunch half way to SIL's would be a good compromise, it looks as though you and DH are on board and not dismissing the meeting out of hand. You also have the option to leave when you like and will save the hotel money. MIL can go back to SIL's or her own home, she will have seen the DGC (which is what she wants most of all) and you can relax afterwards.

Over thinker you sound rude and I don't think I'd would want you or one or two others on here as a friend either. I don't care if SIL has a well paid job, works extremely long hours and has a flash house. My DH is away 12.5 hours a day so I work pt around kids school day but don't have to justify myself on here. Issue is whether SIL has offered for us to stay there or whether MIL just assuming on our behalf. We can't book hotel yet till date and location confirmed or we would have done it already !!!

I have a busy time-consuming job. If anyone wants to get in touch they call - I never not pick up. Texts are classed as non urgent though

Can't your brother phone his brother?

Also unless I was invited to stay at a family's big house where there was room I wouldn't go, but that's just me. And you do sound like you're hurt that they're not inviting you to it.

Basically the whole story comes across as mil and family trying to see if you want be involved, you and Dh not bothering to try to make it work or get involved in the planning, just sitting back and complaining that they don't communicate in the way you want. Then you complain that mil doesn't involve you the planning!

If I repeatedly mentioned a family event to someone who showed no interest in trying make it, I'd just assume you weren't that interested and drop it.

Seriously, take the initiative, you (or Dh) get involved and talk to people, and make the plans work for you too.

^^This.

We have been involved at last event we said to SIL great nothing mentioned to us yet but looking forward to catching up with you. Then when MIL told us 3 weeks after SIL first mentioned it we said yes sounds good. When is it and where are we meeting and we'll book kennel for dog etc. Then we heard nothing I chevvied DH to chase it up with his sis and we asked MIL who wasn't sure what was happening and they both said they thought we were all staying at SIL''s house. Then nothing.

But still why wait 3 weeks fur MIL to mention it to you, why not be proactive?

We are all pretty much saying the same thing and you don't like it, your prerogative but I think you'll either have to get DH to sort himself out or accept this will keep happening

No prizes for guessing why OP's MIL is going away for Christmas!

You just ask mil for updates. How tiresome for mil. Just call sil fogs.

Optimist1 MIL has always always spent Christmas Day with her daughter which suits us fine. We did offer over the years when our kids were younger but she declined saying she liked to spend xmas day in her own house & cook her own Christmas dinner. SIL has also offered and had the same response.
Jesus if MIL's daughter coming home from overseas and MIL in daily contact with her and wants us all to meet up we are happy to go along with it knowing she has various friends to see and boyfriends family to see etc. We asked her for details during fortnightly FT chats as to when she was free what was happening etc. But she is so laid back she didn't know other than probably sometime that weekend but expected we would all stay at SIL as MIL had said this would be ok as they had a big house. Obviously MIL should have checked with SIL before inviting everyone to stay at there house.

If you don't care that SIL has a well paid busy job why have you mentioned it a million times? And why have you mentioned her big fancy house?

Set up a family WhatsApp group that everyone is party to and let all communication about family meet-ups be done through that! Simple!

Over thinker I think it's you that has the chip I'm sure a stay in an expensive hotel of that price range would be fine for them but not the sort of thing we can easily afford at the drop of a hat infact I am sure most mumsneters would be unwilling/unable to stump up that kind of cash for a one night stay in a not particularly child friendly hotel with children?!? Equally I am sure probably most mumsneters don't own a brand new 5 bed party style house which can easily accommodate bedroom space for another 4-6 additional house guests?!? Or am I wrong there as well over thinker?

Nahhhh, you haven't got a chip. You're just plain old jealous.