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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to learn to drive

538 replies

ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 17/10/2016 23:36

I'm 33 and I have 4 children and my husband drives.

I have never wanted to learn to drive, my family have offered to buy my provisional, to teach me etc but I really don't want to, I've never had any interest in learning to drive.
I ride my bike if I want to go somewhere local, I have a trailer for shopping, if oh is working I use public transport if it's not riding distance (more than 15 miles or I need to get there quickly)

For some reason everyone thinks I need to learn to drive next year, I've had 4 offers of provisional license for Christmas/birthday

OP posts:
awesomeness · 18/10/2016 10:43

it i think it is totally dependant on where you live too, i live in a town with a huge bus route, but crap shops and 1 of the big supermarkets, weekdays and saturdays are ok, but bus journeys are long because you go all around the world, but sundays and anything after 6pm is completely useless and there's a lot of smaller villages etc and the next town is 30mins on a bus and the nearest city is an hour or more on a bus

the town schools aren't great but the outlying village schools and preschools are so that was my sole motivation for driving,so my kids could go to the village school that i used to go too.

it does totally depend on you and your OHs needs, if it's something you can afford and even if it's only a few times a month to take the burden off OH then it is worth it, but some people just don't like to drive

becauseican · 18/10/2016 10:43

I 'learnt' on and off from age 17 to when I finally passed at 34. It took me a LOT of fails and nearly 8 years where I didn't learn at all. I was insistent that passing would change nothing. Of course that wasn't the case, my whole life changed and I wouldn't be without it now.

But that's me, if you really don't want to learn then don't. Who cares what other people think you should do.

Shawser78 · 18/10/2016 10:43

I am 38 and don't drive. My husband does. He only learned to do so at 31 when we had our first child. When we lived in the U.K. I managed to get about fine on buses etc as we had a good public transport system. We've now moved to Kuwait - public transport is virtually non existent but I get taxis everywhere when I'm not with my husband. We manage. If we need to go to the supermarket and I can't be bothered I send him instead. I really have no interest in it and know I would be rubbish as I have terrible eyesight and rubbish spatial awareness.

DataColour · 18/10/2016 10:45

I can't drive. I did learn about a year ago, took loads of lessons, failed my test and never had the incentive to try again. I learned because of my parents telling me to learn. I'm 39 now.

We are a car-less family. DH can drive so we can hire cars on holidays etc.
We cycle everywhere with the 2 DCs. They love cycling and has grown up with it and finds it easy and enjoyable. They see that other families have cars, but never asks why we don't, in fact they feel very car sick on occasions we do go in a car, so they always ask to cycle rather than take a taxi somewhere (i get that this is probably because they are unused to cars, but I get severe travel sickness too).
We live near a city, we have 3 bus routes and a tram line within 5mins walk. So if we are not cycling we take the tram (bus is always the last choice!).
Cycle routes are continuously being improved around here, so it's a real possibility to cycle everywhere.
It helps that some of the DCs friends of a similar age also cycle to get around so they see it has a normal thing to do.
All the kids activities are close by. If we want to go further away we get the train, and I prefer this to travelling long distances by car anyway.

We are not ruling out having a car altogether in the future, and I might learn again if we have our own car (I think it is difficult to learn to drive just through lessons, expensive way of getting the practise), but at the moment I really don't feel like I need to learn, I don't feel like I'm missing out or depriving the DCs. I think we are lucky where we live there are loads of activities for kids within walking distance. There are so many fun things happening at the weekends around here, we hardly get the opportunity to venture out of the city for a long trip away at the weekend.

So I can understand the OP, life is worth living even without being able to drive Smile

Notsunkinyet · 18/10/2016 10:45

Why do people keep referring to relying on OH?
Lots of people have one car between them with one driver.
If your OH offers to drive then that is fine. It doesn't mean you are causing him a burden.
Aren't couples meant to be united anyway?

Morporkia · 18/10/2016 10:48

OP if you don't want to drive, don't do it. My FIL tried to bully my DH into driving at various stages of his life, one time going as far as actually block booking lessons without telling him. We only found out when the driving instructor called DH to arrange a lesson. Admittedly he does have a motorcycle, but if we go out as a family, I drive. BM (before motorcycle) he would walk or shock-horror use public transport. and this was when i was working and he was SAHD.

awesomeness · 18/10/2016 10:49

i chose the words 'relying on OH' because my ex OH was cheating on me and i knew he was leaving for someone else, so i had to pass and get my own car as i wouldnof been screwed without it

badtasteflump · 18/10/2016 10:49

Your choice completely OP.

I learnt to drive as soon as I turned 17 and I would hate to not be able to - IMO it's an essential life skill. I want to be able to go where I want to and when I want to, not when somebody else or a bus timetable dictates (and I love a bike ride in the summer but not when the weather is crap).

I do know a few people who don't drive and also say they have never wanted to. But every single one of them asks for a lift now and again - or just gets offered one as we all know they don't drive. So actually without the good will of people who do drive, they would be stuck, or having to pay for a taxi, quite often. A couple of them also have to enlist their husbands to 'take them shopping' - and that just makes my teeth itch.

PoisonousSmurf · 18/10/2016 10:50

You will be forever limiting your chances of work in the future. It's a necessary life skill in this day and age. You may not always be living in a town or city with everything at hand.
Give it a go, with someone else's money.

Soubriquet · 18/10/2016 10:52

This is nuts

OP I don't drive. Dh doesn't drive either

We either walk or use public transport and guess what? None of us have ever died from
Not being able to drive

Mol1628 · 18/10/2016 10:53

You can always learn. Doesn't mean you have to get a car or drive straight away. Just the option is then open to you.

badtasteflump · 18/10/2016 10:53

Also meant to say - my mum was v nervous about learning to drive and didn't want to - then when I was about ten my dad booked her some lessons and persuaded her to try, and she passed her test & drove from then on.

Fast forward 20 years and my dad had died & my mum is on her own. She uses her car all the time and without being able to drive she would feel extremely cut off - she has said numerous times she is so glad my dad nagged her to learn.

Tryingtobegood10 · 18/10/2016 10:53

I didn't learn to drive until i was 30! I didn't really trust myself until then lol I was drunk through quite a lot of my early 20s! I decided I needed to drive after having my daughter, the busses my way are shocking and I would often be left waiting for a good hour! Not fun with a baby!
Driving is now my favourite thing!!! I adore it! I really struggled learning (old dog new tricks) and it took a long time and a lot of money but it was the best thing i'v ever done and will get lessons for my daughter as soon as she is of age!
A friend of mine used to tell me that "some people are just made to be driven" lol

DataColour · 18/10/2016 10:54

I think not having a car/not driving IS difficult in a lot of areas, so I can understand how it can be life changing for those in that situation to finally learn to drive.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass · 18/10/2016 10:55

I'm 42, and planning on taking lessons after Christmas. I'm utterly terrified! I can't imagine how it feels to be in sole charging of a moving hunk of steel (and I'm probably going to have to face up to the fact that I undoubtedly need glasses)!

My main reason is work-related; I live in a small town where job options are limited and public transport is not terribly reliable. Plus it would be lovely to take my DS for days out that don't involve complicated station changes and hanging around (he has ASD). But I'd be lying if I said I was excited at the prospect of my first lesson - sick to the stomach, more like!

Notso · 18/10/2016 10:56

There is, however, another side to this. A woman who's man works every day will have to do the shopping with her on his Saturday Morning; have to take responsibility for outside the home; holidays, visits; not drinking - to name but a few - has control.

Bollocks. Men can shop without their wives or there is online shopping. There are loads of car-free holiday options we have never needed a car abroad and have older DC so try to go to UK places with good public transport for them, buses and trains can be used for visits-you often get discounted entry with a train ticket, generally it's nicer to both have a drink so we would get a taxi or train etc even if both of us could drive. Often my parents or PIL ask DH for lifts to events and they return the favour for us.

Even if I could drive we don't have the money for another car and DH has a company car I wouldn't be allowed to drive anyway.

badtasteflump · 18/10/2016 10:56

We either walk or use public transport and guess what? None of us have ever died from Not being able to drive

Nobody said they did. What it does do is give you limitations on what you can do, particularly as you get older. And the OP is being the option of learning as a gift; she doesn't even have to pay for it, so I would say she should learn. She doesn't have to get a car, she doesn't even have to drive, but at least she will know how if she ever chooses to in the future.

Spookybitch · 18/10/2016 10:58

PoisonousSmurf OP doesn't actually say where she lives. But presumably she'd get at least some say in where she lives!

icemistOBE · 18/10/2016 10:58

I can't drive and at age if 42 I have a few regrets, mainly not being able to go where I'd like to go with ease and when it's rainy and blowing a gale and we've got to walk to school.

Where I grew up we had everything within 5-10 min drive so had no need to drive ( mum and dad never learnt) when I moved to UK where my husband ( boyfriend then) lived was close to public transport and it's never held me back getting a job.

When I do my shopping I get a taxi home (cheaper than deliver charge) if it's really that bad raining we can get a taxi or grandad brings my DS to school.

Husband drives but we haven't had a car in years mainly due to the fact that the cost of running the car was more expensive than paying public transport costs to get to work. He's insured on his dads car and if we need to borrow it we can.

If I could go back I'd probably learn but not sure at this point I want to now learn.

DS x 2 will be encouraged to learn. ...I'll need someone to ferry me around in my old age Grin

badtasteflump · 18/10/2016 10:58

There is, however, another side to this. A woman who's man works every day will have to do the shopping with her on his Saturday Morning; have to take responsibility for outside the home; holidays, visits; not drinking - to name but a few - has control.

I have to say I agree with this. I know a couple of older women who don't drive and their husbands are definitely ' in control' of a lot of what they do and when - because they provide the transport.

Notsunkinyet · 18/10/2016 11:00

I find people are too reliant on cars sometimes.
We have a car but only use it to visit parents. Even then we wished we hired one as it is too small to accommodate our baby stuff!!
If we go out for dinner we walk or take the bus so we can have a drink. We do online shopping and have a co op 2 mins down the road for emergencies. We don't take car into town as too busy in car parks and too expensive so we only really use it for OH to go to work and if we have doctors/ hospital appointments.

awesomeness · 18/10/2016 11:00

why so much hate for people who choose to drive? Confused so what if people don't want to use public transport? i hate it because around mine its limits me to staying in my town which i don't want to do, some people like the freedom, and don't like faffing around with public transport when they just want to go somewhere or take the kids somewhere

Spindelina · 18/10/2016 11:02

We don't own a car. I do drive (e.g. for work); DH has a licence but hasn't driven for 20 years and would need to relearn.

We are not aliens - just people who have chosen to live somewhere within cycling distance of work and with reasonable public transport.

ARumWithAView · 18/10/2016 11:03

I think if you've never driven, you can develop a sort of blindness as to the extent you're relying on others, especially if you don't take lifts on a regular basis -- just occasionally, as an exception. For the first decade we were together, DH couldn't drive, and we were too broke to own a car. We both used public transport or walked, and he'd swear blind we hardly accepted any lifts. We're just not car people! You can manage perfectly well without! [pats self on back]

But we relied on lifts every time we visited family in Devon. We rented a car (I drove) on holidays in Cornwall. His parents always insisted on picking us up from the station in their city, because we'd come so far already and they didn't want us to spend another hour on the bus. People gave us lifts between rural churches and wedding reception venues; to funerals; from the station to the holiday cottage we'd rented with a group of friends in Yorkshire; to pick up Freecycle furniture; to catch ludicrously early budget flights. People gave us lifts when I was heavily pregnant and had SPD.

It wasn't one person doing all of this driving, it didn't happen every month, and people were always kind and insistent in offering to help -- but, over a decade, we accepted so many favours without being able to reciprocate. It embarrassed me. Non-driving DH was oblivious. Obviously, he'd say thanks, but it never bothered him, especially as most of the lifts were relatively short. It's not a big deal, is it? And people always offer! Surely they don't mind.

Then we did get a car, and DH dragged his feet about getting a licence. As far as he was concerned, he commuted by bus to work, we walked to the supermarket, we didn't need to drive. Apart from all the hundred-and-one exceptions when we did, in which case I was on hand.

If lots of people in your life are actively encouraging you to learn, even offering to pay, I'd take the hint. A phrase like '...if OH is at work, I use public transport' suggests that your partner probably does ferry you (and 4 kids) around a fair bit, whenever you need to go somewhere beyong cycling distance. Being the only driving partner becomes very frustrating, and it's not just the driving; it's being solely responsible for MOTs, insurance, tax, AA, repairs, oil changes, tyre pressure and the other tedious details.

Obviously, it's completely different if a person is medically unable to drive, or neither of you can afford to run a car. But not having 'any interest' in driving is pretty entitled, if you do have access to a vehicle.

Soubriquet · 18/10/2016 11:03

Exactly

It certainly isn't limiting. We get where we want to go even if it takes a little bit longer

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