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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if some people fit in nowhere and never really have any friends

86 replies

FriendlessFreakette · 17/10/2016 22:07

Desperately lonely. My life is going well apart from that and having no money, but I am optimistic about a good career developing. Not optimistic at all about making friends. People just don't like me enough. I thought I had friends for a few years, but they have all faded away. I get that, people move on. I used to be good at keeping in touch but now I don't bother, because nobody wants to meet up with me anymore.

I think perhaps there is something really horrible wrong with me, I'm so ashamed. One of my oldest memories is other kids all running away from me, and the penny not dropping that they wanted to get away from me, and my mum shouting at me not to chase them because they didn't want me to play with them.

Are there just people with something subtle wrong with them, that's hard to put your finger on, that means you would never be their friend?

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 17/10/2016 22:13

I didn't really fit in as a child, still don't as an adult but have a fairly firm and large group of friends that I can call upon.

i think the important thing is to always be yourself because it's easier to like somebody with their faults than to find out somebody is fake later on.

And its a two way street. I'm not wonderful at keeping up contact- but you get what you put in. Don't expect people to pander to you if you're not pulling your weight.

Kayakinggirl86 · 17/10/2016 22:37

I have went through life always feeling like I am on the edge of friendship groups. I have several friendship groups but they all talk about events I was not invited to.
I have memories of being in the school play ground and people running away from me.
Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just think I am maybe to scatty and try to do tomany hobbies.
Also with DSD being a step child I have never fitted in with the mum groups. My friends (from uni ect) found it hard (even if they had kids-all babies) to adapt to me having a child around all the time. So I lost of friends when that change happened. Not my fault people can be fickle.
Just carry on being you. I am sure you are amazing.

SaggyNaggy · 17/10/2016 22:41

I'm a square peg in a world full of round arseholes.
I'm an arsehole.
Grin

myownprivateidaho · 17/10/2016 22:59

You sound very depressed. I think you need to seek help, through your GP and also probably privately (counselling is a nightmare the get on the NHS). Anti-depressants changed my life, don't dismiss the idea of taking them. To answer your question, no I don't remember meeting anyone with something subtly wrong with them that meant I didn't want to be there friend. Most people don't think like that.

I think that as you get older lots of people are very busy and don't call their friends every week or even every month. That doesn't mean they don't like them or consider them their friends. The fact that someone else is bad at keeping in touch with you does NOT mean they don't like you.

In the short term, I think that focussing on doing stuff that you enjoy and that is around people but not focussing on making friends is a good thing - maybe volunteer, clubs, pursue interests. Enjoy others' company without the expectation that it will lead to friendship.

If you have family or others in your life, stay in touch with them. Those relationships are valuable too.

Good luck. You are most likely a wonderful person who is finding life hard at the moment. Don't feel bad about this - life and socialising IS hard. But you'll be fine. Be nice to yourself.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/10/2016 23:14

maybe you are aspie.

PinkSquash · 17/10/2016 23:18

I have always been on the fringes of groups ever since I was a child. I'd love to have proper friends

9troubledwaters · 17/10/2016 23:23

I've thought about this. I'm a very closed person, im not naturally warm, introverted. Warm, open people seem to have the best lives. Also people who are naturally smiley. I look weird if I smile too much - forced!
I would work on accepting yourself for who you are, that would help you relax in social situations - eventually, I know its a hard road Flowers

Original poster
FriendlessFreakette · 17/10/2016 23:33

I do believe I'm probably on the spectrum, but hadn't thought that's why I'd be lonely as an adult. I can see why it would explain how school was quite hard though.

I've had friends, and been through a fair amount of partying and fun times as well as difficult times. I would have thought a balance.

For a long time over recent years though I was the depressed one and my friends were kind. I did all the running to stay in touch because they had full happy lives. I'm actually not at all depressed these days, I have a full life of things I enjoy doing. My old friends don't seem to like me as much, now I've got out there and am working on my goals, which doesn't make sense to me. How could they have liked me more when I was depressed? Why don't they want to share my good times with me now that I actually have good times?

I live for me because I've given up waiting for friends to do stuff with, so I go out there and do what makes me happy, for the most part. I don't generally allow myself to think of all the things I'd like to do with friends because I don't have them and that's the way it is. Some days like today I just allow myself to admit that I'm very, very lonely though.

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 18/10/2016 00:01

That's me to a T.

I don't have friends. I don't fit a mould of the other mums at the school so am rarely spoken to at the school gate.

I work from home so no work buddies. Sometimes I feel invisible. I never had friends as a kid.

I'm sure it's me rather that anyone else. I don't think I'm a very nice person. I'm certainly not memorable or someone people want to spend time with

AVirginLitTheCandle · 18/10/2016 01:39

I have ASD and I get lonely quite a lot.

I only really have two friends and they're both men.

I have always struggled with making friends though and fitting in. I'm always the weird one.

Even my two male friends think I'm weird but according to them they mean it in a good way Grin

AVirginLitTheCandle · 18/10/2016 01:40

Have you thought about getting assessed OP?

AVirginLitTheCandle · 18/10/2016 01:46

I think everyone fits in somewhere. You just have to figure out where.

Supertrooperloopthelooper · 18/10/2016 01:53

I don't have any great friends. A few quite good ones but no one I can rely on. I am lonely and tired and jealous of the other people in my social group. They all seem to do lovely stuff with friends. I have a kid with SN, a husband with similar SN and another who acts out the behaviour he sees. I am very lonely.

SlottedSpoon · 18/10/2016 02:08

Are there just people with something subtle wrong with them, that's hard to put your finger on, that means you would never be their friend?

Frankly, yes I think there are. But what I never understand is that given there seem to be quite a few people like you who say exactly the same thing, why do you never seem to find one another? It may be that you are trying to attach yourselves to the wrong people in the first place.

BombadierFritz · 18/10/2016 03:13

you maybe just havent found 'your' people. dsis is much happier now she has her official asd diagnosis and by coincidence, a new hobby where a lot of her friends are also on the spectrum or have family members with asd. we understand each other better. come join us :)

mrbob · 18/10/2016 03:14

I didn't have any close friends that I really attached to for a long time and I always felt a bit on the edge of a group. I moved overseas and ended up in a sort of group of similar people and I feel like we are now incredibly close. I think it was just that I hadn't found the right people and now I have but it took until I was about 32. I still find it difficult to make any other new friends and find that although I get on with people superficially we never really bond properly (apart from my base group). So they may be out there!

ReallyTired · 18/10/2016 03:42

I think it's sad that your mother did not help you develop the social skills you needed for health and happiness. Social adept children have more invitations and chances to develop good social skills. The rejectee child is caught in a vicious circle that they never get the chance to develop good social skills because of lack of social opportunities. It's a bit of a Matthew affect.

The good news is that social skills can be learnt even if you do have aspergers. It's not easy as an adult but not impossible. This is an interesting book.

www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Social-Relationships-Perspectives-ebook/dp/B00TZN9NCE

Lorelei76 · 18/10/2016 04:22

Really, can't help noticing you don't mention the op father.

Pythonesque · 18/10/2016 04:44

My primary school experience was of others taunting me in the playground, not running away from me. I remember at preschool asking if I could join in with a group and being told I wasn't wanted - that continued in some senses for years. I didn't "find my place" until I was at uni and could get comfortable being in a group where the default was to have things in common and fit in. Once I felt I fitted I could learn social skills and start to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Ironically as an adult I discovered I was actually a "people person". I have problems with loneliness but it's more about the busy-ness of the people I know, and my own lack of routine. Need to get myself back into more regular work! (working on it)

Confusednotcom · 18/10/2016 05:48

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you! You sound busy and clearly have plans for the future and I'm glad you're in a better place than in the past. The workplace can be a good place to find people to go to the pub etc with. People do move on in life and I wouldn't expect friendships to continue unchanged as people couple up, move, change job, have kids etc. You certainly don't need people who seemed to like you more when you were less happy! Antidepressants is a v good idea. A good multivitamin with magnesium can lift my mood but you may need more of a boost. I do think a lot of people are lonely these days. Strange as we are all so much more connected but it's all online not face to face.

RandomMcRandomface · 18/10/2016 06:14

I do think it's harder when you're older.

I have friends, but do see each of them far less than I used to and don't really have any of those 'see them all the time' friends anymore. So even my closest friends I only see once every few weeks if that (sometimes every 2 months or so), so it's as if you need a bigger "pool" to not feel friendless if that makes sense. If say you have three good friends you see once every couple of months each, that's still leaving lots of weeks when you see no-one, resulting in feeling more friendless than you are?

Lessthanaballpark · 18/10/2016 06:32

OP yes it may well be that there is something "different" about you that makes it hard to make amd keep friends.

Unfortunately unless you develop a cloak of invisibility you will never find out what that is.

That is the truth of it.

With that in mind it's also important to note that having something "wrong"/different/off-putting about you doesn't make you a bad person. I used to know someone whose intense naivety and honesty really put people off however she was a good person who cared and was open.

I've also known people who were popular and always surrounded but nasty and selfish.

So please don't be down on yourself. You are doing the right thing with your busy-ness and filling your life to the brim. And to be honest that is all you can do Flowers

daisychain01 · 18/10/2016 09:09

I did all the running to stay in touch because they had full happy lives

This perception that everyone is happy and that their lives are great... It just isn't true in all cases. Every human has challenges, worries, insecurities. You only see a tiny snapshot of their life, probably the public face that is a mask.

It's like this Facebook generation, where people can play-act sailing through life without a care in the world. "All the world's a stage" as Shakespeare said.

Maybe you could make it your next aim to make one new friend or contact rather than getting overwhelmed by the hecticness (?) of friendship groups which invariably end in tears.

Also it's wise not to be constantly agonising over what people think of you. This is my failing.

Yoga is good for teaching the balance between not giving a shit and being over invested. Life is about finding harmony and settling for a workable compromise.

Gymboree567 · 18/10/2016 09:23

THIS IS ME!!
I don't fit in anywhere, I'm always nice to people, try and be helpful, try not to bitch, but I can't find friends
At school I stood alone at playtime, at secondary school I used to sit on the edge of a big group of girls so I wouldn't be singled out by bullies if I was on my own, they never spoke to me but they weren't nasty to me, looking back they must have thought I was so strange
Acquaintances come and go, I think they are my friends but they are not, my "best friend" moved to a different city without telling me, I was knocking on her front door only to be told she had moved, or I'll text someone and get the reply "who is this?" As they've deleted me
I've been ill recently, no one has visited, no one from work has contacted me
I get left out of work nights out, I get deleted off Facebook by people I think I am friends with in real life
Yet I know some horrible bitchy people and they are popular
I told the doctor I didn't want to be alive and he said I've had upheaval with being ill and things will settle down he just sent me away

Every day is a struggle, but I get through, I'm stronger than this, I can make it through another day,
Just keep trying that's all we can do

ReallyTired · 18/10/2016 09:27

"Really, can't help noticing you don't mention the op father."

The op says that her mother shouted at her when she chased the children who running away from her in her initial post. Her mother should have given her daughter comfort in what was an emotionally painful situation. Instead the op got shouted at. A small child might believe that they were some how bad and deserved to be the rejectee child.

A better parent would have helped their child build better play skills instead of shouting at them. Or maybe the would have given the rejected child a hug so that they felt loved. Shouting at a child is not modelling good social skills. It's a form of bullying.

The op has not commented on her father's behaviour so it's impossible to make any kind of judgement.