To wonder if some people fit in nowhere and never really have any friends

[FriendlessFreakette]

Desperately lonely. My life is going well apart from that and having no money, but I am optimistic about a good career developing. Not optimistic at all about making friends. People just don't like me enough. I thought I had friends for a few years, but they have all faded away. I get that, people move on. I used to be good at keeping in touch but now I don't bother, because nobody wants to meet up with me anymore.

I think perhaps there is something really horrible wrong with me, I'm so ashamed. One of my oldest memories is other kids all running away from me, and the penny not dropping that they wanted to get away from me, and my mum shouting at me not to chase them because they didn't want me to play with them.

Are there just people with something subtle wrong with them, that's hard to put your finger on, that means you would never be their friend?

This is me. I gave up years ago. I feel overwhelmed by loneliness but accepting it now. I'm not going to change, this is me.

Pretending to be normal is what caused me years of depression and anxiety.

"It really isn't. Trying to behave like a socially adept NT person is not a good route to take if you're autistic IMHO. "

Prehaps I have not explained what I mean. My point is that Temple Grandin's book written to help people with autism might be useful to someone without autism.

Teaching a person with autism social skills is like teaching a profoundly deaf person to speak English. It's hard, but not impossible. Temple Grandin has classical autism and was considered severe as a child. Her books gives hope.

There are techniques that work to help autistic people learn social skills/ rules. The techniques used to help autistic people work with NT people. The difference between an autistic person is that the autistic person finds it harder. An Autistic person do not naturally have a theory of mind and this is why they mess up socially. Nothing is instinctive for the autistic person.

Techniques like social stories, learning to recongise facial expressions, assertiveness training can help anyone. The techniques for improving social skills of an autistic person can be used by an NT person.

I found that link pretty unintelligible.

If the op wants friends and to fit into society then she needs to know what society's expectations are. I suggest you actually read Gradin's book before you form an opinion about her. It explains unwritten social rules which autistic people do not pick up instinctively.

If the op wants to make friends then knowing what these unwritten rules of social etiquette might help. Her book is interesting to an NT person because it gives an insight into human psychology. It explains why some people who are very able fail abysmally in the work place. Having some understanding of how the NT world works is useful if you are autistic.

Autism is a vast spectrum and lots of people have autistic traits without having full blown autism.

What do you suggest the op does if she wants to make friends?

There's a book called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship aimed at parents of children struggling make friends. As an adult who struggles, I found it interesting.

"There is nothing worse than friends who don't get you"

This is so so true. I'm in the same position as the op. I've read the books, had the counselling and do the 'right' things as advised on here such as asking questions about the other person and listening attentively, but no one is ever the slightest bit interested in me. In places I've worked, I could tell you loads of details about colleagues and their families, friends and home life, but no-one even knew if I was married, single or had kids, let alone what I was having for dinner that night

I'm also a bit 'minority views' for the place that I live, and am not really interested in the things other people are interested in. I think I don't really move in the right circles to meet the people I would gel with, but tbh I think that would mean moving back to London and going back to Uni, not going to happen, unfortunately.

I feel for you op, square pegs unite.

Social relationships are incredibly complex. Some people are drains and constantly criticise and moan about everything. They are tiring and tedious to be with. Other people are radiators. They make people around them feel better about the world and are naturally optimistic.

The difficulty the op had is that she has depression and that makes it harder for her to be radiator to other people. I suspect that a visit to the GP is necessary before any strategies I suggested might work. Sometimes mediation help us out of a negative spiral.

Meeeee clairvoyant told me the same thing. Always an outsider. Never belonged. Always had friends though. Close ones too although struggled with close female friendships for last ten years as am overly fussy as I don't like females much..