To wonder if some people fit in nowhere and never really have any friends

[FriendlessFreakette]

Desperately lonely. My life is going well apart from that and having no money, but I am optimistic about a good career developing. Not optimistic at all about making friends. People just don't like me enough. I thought I had friends for a few years, but they have all faded away. I get that, people move on. I used to be good at keeping in touch but now I don't bother, because nobody wants to meet up with me anymore.

I think perhaps there is something really horrible wrong with me, I'm so ashamed. One of my oldest memories is other kids all running away from me, and the penny not dropping that they wanted to get away from me, and my mum shouting at me not to chase them because they didn't want me to play with them.

Are there just people with something subtle wrong with them, that's hard to put your finger on, that means you would never be their friend?

Gymboree

''I told the doctor I didn't want to be alive and he said I've had upheaval with being ill and things will settle down he just sent me away''

That's just bloody awful! Go back and see a different GP. I'm no expert, i suffer with depression without the courage to go to a GP. Please don't value your self worth based on how many friends you do or do not have though. It's hard. I know. Take care of yourself.

Ive struggled alone with this feeling for 10 years or more
I finally got the courage to say something and I was dismissed and sent away
I was heart broken
I just keep telling myself I CAN do this, today is a new day and if it goes badly, I can pick myself up and start again tomorrow

Learning to read facial expressions and body language can help the op to know what the other person is feeling. Words only communicate a fraction what another person is feeling. Recongising when someone is bored, but being very polite is vital.

It might help the op to do a class on BSL so that they get better at recognising facial expressions. This book is on better communication with children, but it would help your social skills generally.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

Lastly you are no longer in th school playground. Most adults have developed better levels of empathy, social skills and behaviour than they had at nine years old. Adults tend to be a range of ages and have the rich experience of life to teach them a bit of empathy.

Do you have any interests or hobbies? Taking up a sport or musical interest is a great way to meet people.

Anyway, I started talking about myself too much!
OP in answer to your question, I think there is something about us that makes people not bothered about us
I wouldn't say disliked, just not bothered
I wish I knew what it was so I could change it, but I can't help there

All the people that say "you need to put in the effort" "you get out what you put in" " friends won't just come knocking at your door" really do not understand at all!! We are putting in all the effort, we are trying, we are getting out there, meeting people,
But it never works, it's draining, and constant failure is depressing

And as for the "get a hobby" brigade, don't get me started, I've tried so many hobbies/volunteering/clubs I've lost count

gymboree have you got close family?

Gymboree567

Please could back to the doctor and get help with your depression. Depression is evil and saps all your energy. It is extremely hard to make friends when you are clinically depressed. It also means that you look at any failures through a negative lens.

Making friends is not about working hard. It's more about working smarter. A decent therapist might be able to help you develop the practical skills you need for friendship. Many people find CBT very effective, but it's not a golden/magic bullet. There is online CBT websites and books if there is a long waiting list in your area. You might consider medication if you have moderate to severe depression.

I have a sister, she only contacts me when she needs someone to childmind her daughter, I ask her maybe once a month to meet up and do things but she ALWAYS says no with some lame excuse
I recently asked her to go out one evening and she said she couldn't come because she was making spaghetti to have for tea with her husband and daughter!!???? Another excuse was she's watching a film on TV (in 8 weeks time) so couldn't meet up
Makes me so sad, as she is always on Facebook meeting up with her friends, I think she hates me, but again I keep trying!!

I don't have the courage to go back to the doctors

Hugs gymboree to ample chest! Your sister sounds unhelpful to say the least. Definitely heed reallytireds advice. Also have you had a look at the MN meet up pages? They're shite for my area, but i understand some of them are quite busy and have been a success.

Would you have the courage to start a thread here or in Chat asking for any local MNs to have a meet up? I've seen it work before.

I'm taking a break from trying to get friends at the moment, just be happy with my own company for a while, kinda recharge then try again
Depression comes in waves, I'm at a low now but it will pass, and when I'm feeling up to it I will try try again

I think life goes through phases. I was unpopular at school (last to be picked for netball etc) until I hit 14 and then suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend, it was quite strange. Then I got a boyfriend and lost contact with lots of my friends, found it hard to make new ones at work, felt like an outsider looking in, then I had my children, and made friends with lots of lovely mums at toddler group etc...then moved house, post touch and felt lonely...and now split from my 28 year relationship, in own flat, have suddenly become very popular with my neighbours and lots of friends at work...Life changes, it doesnt stand still...You will fit in somewhere OP...here for starters...look how popular your thread is...its in the trending list! xxxx

I started a thread before, it lead to a Facebook page, was amazing
I started chatting to someone, but she just stopped, no reason just stopped replying, I posted again, and again, and again! But got no response
I don't need anymore hurt at the moment, so I need to take a break

Hello lovely OP.
Why don't you pop over to this thread where you might find some women with similar experiences.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn/2731911-Neurodiversity-support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-or-self-diagnosed-autism-ADHD-and-other-NDs

Yeah I was trending once before!! Best day ever, felt so popular!!!

I had loads of friends at school. Loads of friends through my 20s (old school buddies, new work friends, new mum friends), more new friends when i moved and worked in a village school. Then depression hit and i distanced myself from everyone and now i've just got DH and DCs.

I'm biding my time. We're hoping to move within a year or so and i'll make an effort then perhaps.

I know i can be a good friend, but i'm a bit worried how strong the 'can't be arsed with friendship' mentality i seem to have developed is. DH can't be arsed with anyone much either!

''Gymboree - I started a thread before, it lead to a Facebook page, was amazing''

I wonder if that's one of the ones i remember!? I remember reading it and thinking i almost wished i was on FB and i could have joined in. That's rotten that it didn't work out.

OP if you find out the secret please let me in on it, here are my past theories (light hearted)

It's my laugh, maybe it's really annoying?
My name, I don't have a cool name
I smell? Don't think I do hmmm
My nose, it's a bit big, maybe people don't like that
I'm annoying, too silly, need to reign it in a bit
My voice, it's quite high pitched maybe that's it
My clothes, I'm not very trendy, must try harder
I'm too tidy, ocd even, people don't like being in my house?

Can't think of anymore at the moment!

Seriously, not everyone has to have a bloody ASD diagnosis. You can be different from other people or an introvert or just not have any friends whilst being neurotypical. Conversely, you can be an extrovert with tons of friends and autistic. These things are not mutually exclusive.

It gets incredibly tiresome that every time someone is a little different they might be an "aspie" (bloody awful way to refer to a person with Aspergers Syndrome).

Me too. I definitely relate to a lot of this thread.

I feel much the same. I have a wonderful DP but he too is a bit odd in social situations.
I aren't in touch with any of my close friends from school or collage, my DP isn't in touch with any of his, or any of the friends from Uni.
He has a friend at work and they used to go to the pub every Friday but that has whittled off. Occasionally we went out with this friend and his DP. But that's about that in terms of friends.
When I was at work everyone appeared to like me, but I've been off sick (and housebound) and only had 2 messages from colleagues which again fizzled out. I just don't know how to keep these things going.

My mum wasn't overly social, she had one or two friends but it was always on and off. She's been more social with my kid sisters mums where as she never became anything more than an acquaintance with my friends mums. My dad has his friends that he occasionally sees, but growing up it seemed that they were just friends that bumped into each other at the pub, or work contacts that were useful to keep in touch with. So I'm not sure if that had much of an impact.

I am hoping once I'm better I can get out and do a bit more. As part of my recovery I will need to go to the gym and go swimming, I might join a few fitness classes so hoping I can meet some people who may want to focus on fitness together or something. We're also thinking about kids once my health is sorted, so hoping I can make friends in baby classes etc but of course my main goal would always be to make myself well and for the benefit of myself and a baby (if I can and do have one).

I always feel sad and pathetic for thinking this way, but it would be nice if there was an easier way to get in touch with lonely people. We must all be stuck in the same cycle.

I had no friends as a child, so I know what that feels like. I didn't really get going with friends til around 14/15.

However, I have lots of friends as an adult. I've noticed a couple of things about these threads- and if I'm not right, do say so as its just my observations.

One of the key skills is not so much finding nice people and making friends, it's knowing when to quit or when someone doesn't want to be your friend. This is a very hard skill especially in the UK where people are quite superficially nice 'oh, why don't you pop round one day' when they don't want to be your friend at all. On this thread someone says they call their sister but she doesn't want to get together and makes excuses- so they'll keep going! This is exactly the wrong thing to do. If someone likes you and wants to hang out, they'll make time, they'll perhaps text you and so on. It's better to have no friends than keep going forward with unsuitable or disinterested people because then you get rejected. If someone texted excuses (and then didn't suggest an alternative), I'd just stop bothering with them immediately, even if they were related!

The second thing worth mentioning is that it takes me a really long time to make proper friends. I'd say several years. For that reason I tend to have work colleagues as friends as we've been together for a long time, and perhaps got over any initial feelings that we might not have much in common, had experiences of being supportive and so on. I sometimes think if I didn't have my job I'd have no friends, as the fleeting encounters at the school gates never seem to turn into friendships for me, as I just don't know whether I'll like the person off a cheery 'hello' and there's nothing worse than a friend who doesn't get you.

I don't have the answers, I could easily not have many friends as making truly good friends takes me so long. I can see if you had issues with social skills, the above two things would be even harder.

I do agree about the knowing when to quit
But it's my sister, I have to keep trying, even if it's just for my nieces sake,
If we weren't related I would have kicked her to the kerb years ago

I don't want my niece growing up think I didn't care about her, or I never tried to see her, I keep all the messages