AIBU to feel cross and frustrated with mum? Money, mortgage, inheritance

[minifingerz]

I've posted about this on mumsnet before, but the situation has changed a bit in the past year.

The back story: dad did equity release on parental home a few years before he died. My mum never fully understood what she was signing her name to - she didn't understand the concept of compound interest, still doesn't.

Five years on from dad's death and mum now (now 81) lives in the family home with my older sister, who raised a 150K interest only mortgage on her salary to pay off the equity release, and is servicing this fairly large mortgage while she lives at home with my mum. If she hadn't done that it is likely the bulk of the value of the house would have been consumed in a fairly short period of time, leaving my mum stuck in a detached house with a massive garden, which she would struggle to maintain on her own, but unable to leave as she wouldn't have enough money available after paying the equity release off to buy another cheaper property in the very expensive area where she is determined to see her days out.

Now here's the problem: dsis has psoriasis which has become very very bad recently, to the point that her hands and feet are almost completely raw, and she is struggling to get through every day in her very strenuous and responsible (and physically active) job. She has to sleep with plastic bags on her hands and feet, comes home every with blood leaking out of the dressings, and has to spend half an hour after work every day debriding and soaking her hands and feet before wrapping them in clingfilm. This results in her barely managing to keep on top of her work and suffering from quite intense anxiety about it as a knock on. I can't see how she can continue in her job and neither can she, but if she leaves how will she service the mortgage? She is 53 and would struggle to get a job that in any other sector which would be feasible for her with her health problems. She has had this problem for years and has tried many different treatments which until recently kept it under control enough to allow her to function. In the last year however it's got really out of control.

Anyway, a family friend died earlier this year and left my mum 120K and my sister 30K, enough money to pay off the mortgage. As soon as my mum phoned me and told me about the inheritance I said 'brilliant, now you can pay the mortgage off and you can both stop worrying about your future in the house' (ie, can you afford to stay or will you have to sell and downsize if you can't pay the mortgage). DB said exactly the same, and so did my mum's best friend.

All fine. Except not, as mum has decided that she wants to use her part of the inheritance to get the (perfectly decent and functional) kitchen remodelled, go on cruises, and generally live it up, while my sister carries on servicing the mortgage.

My brother put it to my mum that my sister is really struggling with work, to which my mum's response was 'she's lucky to live here in such a lovely house, she's made her choices, now she has to deal with the consequences'.

I feel gutted and angry with my mum. My sister has grafted all her life and never complained. She has never had anyone who's 'got her back'. Her ex partner of 19 years was profoundly selfish and insisted on separate homes/finances until she left him. Then her next partner offered her the security of a home together, but turned out to be a violent abuser. He was a gambler and an alcoholic who ran through all the equity my sister had when she sold her flat to move in with him, and she ended up back in a rented property at 43 with nothing in the bank. She has never asked my parents for anything and is the most honest, sincere, principled person I know. I feel distressed that my mum can't take her needs into account, given that my sister is struggling so badly with her psoriasis. My mum's quality of life is so good for someone of her age. She has a very comfortable income, is active, is still driving, has enough of an income to eat out several times a week, go on holiday with her friends, employ a cleaner and a part-time gardener, and put money in the bank every week. She has a better social life than me and she hasn't worked full time since she was in her 20's. I could understand her wanting to live it up on her inheritance if she didn't already have a really good quality of life, hadn't already travelled the world several times over, been on a cruise, lived in beautiful homes etc. She's said that she wants to give some of the money to my db and me, but we've said firmly that we don't want it, that we want her to pay off the mortgage with it so that this stops being a worry for her and my sister.

It's like she can't compute that not paying off the mortgage means that my sister is trapped on a treadmill of full-time work which she is becoming too ill to cope with. If I try to get this point across to her she gets angry with me and closes down. Tells me to stop upsetting her, that she's old and can't deal with people upsetting her.

I feel oddly distressed about how hard-faced my mum is being. She's a loving person, but she's not behaving like a loving mother to my sister in relation to this issue. I can't see how it's going to pan out right now, and I'm worried about it causing a serious rift between us.

Attendance Allowance is DLA for those over 65 as opposed to the more stringent PIP criteria which everyone else on DLA will either transfer to, or, more likely, be disallowed.

Carers allowance could be claimed by your sister and is the princely sum of £62.10 per week. I think National Insurance contributions are covered too and while it is considered income for the purposes of tax credits and housing benefit, this shouldn't affect anyone in terms of capital and / or savings.

I may have missed this, but when your parents did the original equity release, the one your dsis now pays for, what did they spend the equity on?

The sister is not too old for a mortgage - my mother bought her council flat in cash and the bank practically begged her to take a mortgage - when she was 66yrs old.

You're forgetting the compound interest, blistory. The equity release company's share was £150K five years ago (when df died). It would be considerably bigger now, and increasing, until the entire asset was swallowed up. That won't now happen, thanks to the sister.

Anyway, sorry for this horrible situation, OP. Good luck finding a solution.

The OP said this, edwin:

New car. Holiday in India. New windows in the house. New kitchen. Poof - gone!

Who originally had the idea for your sister to take out the mortgage? Even though she didn't like the idea of the ER maybe she quietly feels that she was pushed into allowing your sister to get a share of the house.

Do you think it might be possible that she has spoken about it with her friends and they have suggested it was done to secure you and your siblings inheritance. Even though that's not what happened you could imagine it would be possible for someone to put that idea in her head.

The equity release company's share was £150K five years ago (when df died). It would be considerably bigger now, and increasing, until the entire asset was swallowed up. That won't now happen, thanks to the sister.

The OPs Mum would have been allowed to use 100% of the house asset until the day she died though. She has been adamant that she won't ever move so the fact she wouldn't have any capital in the house is of no consequence to her. The OPs Mum is weird, mean and wrong but I'm not sure that the sister moving in and taking a mortgage was the best plan. from the Mums point of view it would have been better if the sister had moved in a just paid a little rent.

Money + family mixed together, always a bad idea. Causes splits, like a badly made hollandaise sauce.

The right thing to do (IMO) would be for your DM to use her inheritance to pay off the mortgage. Financially, DM knows she only has 11.5 years before she has to sell/bank repossess anyway. or perhaps she will expect you and DB to swoop in and sort it out for her.

Secondly, I don't know how she can live with herself, watching her daughter's hands and feet seeping blood, and having to debride, ( scraping away skin/tissue with a bladed instrument). Let alone go off on jolly cruises, while your Dsis bleeds all over the lawnmower.

Is her dog a Border terrier by any chance?

I dearly hope you can get your situation resolved, and I think a financial advisor, of her own age as a pp said, will explain the situation in no uncertain terms.

So sad.

I know your DM's type, OP. Mine is the same. They just don't live in the real world. Have never had to and just can't comprehend what life's like outside their bubble.

I second getting, basically, an older man telling her what's what. It's all she will listen to. I cluck along, agreeing with how terrible life is for her (really it's in one ear and out the other). Makes things move faster.

Jesus OP, what a shitshow. I think your mother does indeed have "cognitive dissonance" on this. She's been pampered and indulged her whole life, so she is struggling now to make the tough - realistic - call. She is not connecting the facts and burying her head in the sand hoping a happy outcome will just "poof" as you say and hey ho, back to gallivanting with a clear conscience. Except, what's happening is so terribly unfair on your sister. She sounds like a lovely person and deserves so much more :(

I reckon you should just save your energies for her right now, really push that she has to start making her health a priority. She can't go on like this, she needs to be selfish for once in her life, fight for her to use the 30k to take a year out, do that masters and focus on her getting well.

And whoever suggested Humira is spot on, the stuff is a miracle for psoriasis sufferers. I've seen first hand what it can do. I assume she is with a consultant dermatologist, but if I were her, the first thing I'd be doing with the inheritance is finding the absolute creme de la creme of dermatologists in the UK and booking the first private appointment I could get. Make sure she does this, nag nag nag. Make the appointment for her if you think you'll have too. You say you wish you'd done more for her in her abusive relationship so maybe you can be proactive here? At least if she could get her skin sorted, she may be able to move on in other ways. People really underestimate how bad it is, and how demoralizing.

Oh, and if I were in your shoes, damn straight I'd be invested in my inheritance, surely that's only sensible?!

The OPs Mum would have been allowed to use 100% of the house asset until the day she died though. She has been adamant that she won't ever move so the fact she wouldn't have any capital in the house is of no consequence to her. The OPs Mum is weird, mean and wrong but I'm not sure that the sister moving in and taking a mortgage was the best plan.

True, but life doesn't always work out the way you want. The OP mentioned that her mother had assumed she would die herself not long after her husband died. So yes, in that picture, it wouldn’t have mattered if the asset was swallowed up in its entirety. But that hasn't happened. OP's mother is in her 80s now and could realistically live another 10 or even 20 years. But she is also at an age where things can go downhill fast, e.g. after an illness, fall etc. The equity release plan was totally imprudent. It completely tied her hands in terms of moving to a more practical property, or in terms of care, if needed. Residential care costs a prince's ransom. In that sort of scenario, if the sister hadn't repaid the ER liability with the mortgage, the whole family, but especially the mother, could have been left in a very difficult position, with no solution that I can see. I am just guessing that the mother's plans for her retirement didn't include languishing in a no-frills local authority care home in a random location, with no cash left over to salvage the situation. But neither did she take any responsibility for ensuring that needn't happen, such as downsizing her home while the buyout on the ER was relatively small still. Instead, she was happy to let her daughter take the full hit on that so she didn't need to address the fact that her late husband didn't provide for her very sensibly. And now that there’s a cake-and-eat-it option on the table (i.e. keep the lovely house, keep the worst-case scenario planning but also repay the mortgage that enabled her to have that flexibility), she wants instead to go on cruises and redo the kitchen (again).

I agree that the sister taking out a mortgage wasn’t a good idea, but I think she really took one for the team here and is being hung out to dry for her trouble.

Agreed MrsLupo, so I think the OP's focus right now, is to push her sister to sort her health out first and foremost. Even seeing a consultant with a can-do positive attitude can make all the difference in how a patient perceives themselves.

I'm not kidding, this is urgent. Get her to the best dermatologist money can buy as soon as possible. Then figure the rest out.

I just wanted to say that a friend of mine with psoriasis on the hands, found that the only thing that has worked for her is ultraviolet light therapy. As your sister if she has tried it.

"She has been adamant that she won't ever move"

People readjust when their circumstances change. It's not been a struggle for her to stay in the house because she is able (with difficulty) to climb the stairs, and with my sisters help (splitting the gardening costs plus doing a lot of it herself) keep the garden looking ok. I don't believe she would want to stay if she found the house unmanageable. She has looked at smaller houses nearby but not seen one she likes. She's even got as far as inviting estate agents in to value the property.

Thanks Atenco. UV light helped for a bit but isn't helping any more.

Is there any possibility that you and dB could share the burden? 150k at 2.5 per cent is around 400 a month.

'I know your DM's type, OP. Mine is the same. They just don't live in the real world. Have never had'

Dm had to live in the real world as a child. Her childhood was garage. Grandmother was a single parent of three children by the age of 21, grandfather mentally ill and living in an asylum. Can you imagine that in the 1930's and 40's? A hard, hard life. My dad grew up on a council estate with unmarried parents. So neither mum nor dad born with a silver spoon. Both left school and worked at 14.

My mum has had a golden life as an adult. They're the living embodiment of 1950's/1960's social mobility. I think that is possibly why they clung so unwisely to the family home - they couldn't bear to downsize when it became apparent that it would be a financial struggle to stay and maintain the house properly.

'Garage'? Where did that come from? Ffs.

"150k at 2.5 per cent is around 400 a month."

Fuck no. We're both paying big mortgages ourselves, six kids between us, no spare cash.

OP, you've had a lot of really good advice on here, definitely get your sister to use some of her inheritance to see a top notch dermatologist. She must be in so much pain, it's just not right. And yes to getting an older man to speak to your mother about how she could lose her house if your sister has to give up work and cannot pay the mortgage. Hopefully this will make her see sense and not be so bloody selfish.

I wish you and your sister all the best and hope you can get this sorted as soon as possible.

Why on earth would OP mother be eligible for PIP
Walking with sticks is not enough. She sounds incredibly fit and able to engage fully in life

There are so many solutions that would be worth investigating. Why doesn't your sister use the £30,000 to pay all or part of the mortgage for a while? Even paying it all it would last over 6 years at current rates. This would allow her to work part time or take a break from work for a while in order to improve her health. She should investigate what benefits she would be entitled to if she has to give up work because of ill health.
If she isn't entitled to anything she should be paid by your mother to care for her at a proper rate per hour. This might make your mother appreciate what your sister does for her a bit more.
With your mother's agreement they could rent out a room. Up to £7500 is tax free and could cover any morgage payments.

This is something your dsis needs to work out herself, I'm afraid. You can advise but in reality (though it is painful to watch) she needs to make a decision herself about whether to carry on paying the mortgage.

Part of the problem may be that if she doesn't pay the mortgage and the house is sold (as your dm doesn't sound like she wants to let go of the inheritance she has received) your dsis will have to find somewhere to rent. That property, as your dm has pointed out, won't be anywhere as near as grand as where they are. This may well be clouding your dsis' judgement about this.

Sadly, it sounds like her painful condition is going to force her into taking time off sick or perhaps a long term change in work. I have a vague notion that psoriasis is linked to stress too and something seems to be going on with her feet that is agitating it - walking/commuting too far or standing on her feet for too long at work maybe. In this case, she needs to find out what her options are regarding sick or disability.

But this is only what you can advise her to do, gently. The actual life decisions will be hers and she may feel a shit tonne of guilt about what she has taken on. This guilt is probably the bit you need to talk her through - that it is only a child's responsibility to ensure parents have a certain standard of living in old age and that it's your dm's debt and she is now responsible for it.

I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but if she doesn't have any mental problems, then your mum has a point. It's her money, her (I presume) house, and she never asked your DSis to intervene re: the equity release loan. This is a harsh lesson for your sister too.

The only way out of this if your mum refuses to budge is for your DSis to sell the house, but then you'd have a bigger problem in that she really is too old for a mortgage & your mum will probably just end up spending her money.

Why should your DM listen to an older man - how sexist and patronising.

It sounds like your mother had a hard upbringing but worked hard and did well. You, on the other hand, have had a privileged upbringing - private education as opposed to leaving school at 14 etc. However, now that your mum is widowed and alone, you want her to leave the home she loves and friends and neighbours, instead of enjoying her final years on the fruits of the labours of her and your father (just because she might not have had a paid job when you were young doesn't mean she didn't contribute - all that they earned as a married couple belonged to them both).

So your sister is paying £400 per month to live in a lovely house. So where will she live if the house is sold - I doubt there is much available for £400 per month, and at least she has a share of an asset which is presumably increasing in value.

Your sister sounds lovely and I am sorry for her health issues, but I just don't follow how selling the house helps anyone - except maybe you in that you would stand to inherit a third of all of it instead of a third of 75% of it.

I'm sorry, but you sound really grasping OP, like you can't wait for DM to die to get your hands on her money. You even sound jealous and bitter about her lifestyle. I bet your DM knows this, but having grown up through hard times, she is too sharp to be taken in by her selfish offspring; no wonder she and her friends moan if their children are all like you. I expect you are a sad disappointment to her.

What are you doing to help your sister anyway? Nothing at all! Despite your platitudes about your sister, I don't detect any real sympathy or support for her. It's all about you. I can see that you have been dealt a rough hand with your DC's health problems, but they are your DCs and your responsibility, not your mother's.

You should be careful, your DM might well go on a cruise and fall in love and marry a much younger man, who will provide her with the affection which her family don't give to her, and then you will all be stuffed!