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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset & chuffed right off at my mother

42 replies

annielostit · 17/10/2016 18:12

My ddad has been in hospital for 6 weeks came home last weekend. Touch & go a few points throughout treatment..
My (not so) DM thinks it's OK to go to her evening classes & nights out 3 nights a week whilst someone has to sit with him.
He's not mobile yet, has to be aided in the bathroom etc.
I get the groceries etc in & visit everyday but the evening shift seems a step too far.
My 2 siblings work in the day. I don't want to upset people but I don't feel I should go for my mother to carry on life as everything's normal.

OP posts:

Chansey · 17/10/2016 18:14

hairypaws · 17/10/2016 18:17

I would imagine your mum has been under considerable stress over the past weeks and it would be nice if she could have support to continue with her classes. If you are all unable to support then that's that but you should ALL try (your siblings too). I suppose it depends on your relationship though.

serin · 17/10/2016 18:18

It's hard being a carer. Your mum will need breaks.

NoahVale · 17/10/2016 18:19

is she with him during the day op?

steppedonlego · 17/10/2016 18:20

You shouldn't have to sacrifice your leisure time just so your mother has hers, you're already popping in daily and helping out.

That said, I would do one evening a week, and direct your mother to ask your siblings if she wants more. If she won't do it, or they refuse, then it's her problem, not yours.

Minniemagoo · 17/10/2016 18:21

3 nights out a week, 3 children, you and 2 siblings. Take 1 night each. Alternate weeks of shopping etc. Honeatly not too much to ask.

Original poster

annielostit · 17/10/2016 18:22

Noah -Not every day.
She expects us to change our family lives for her times.

OP posts:

SpotTheDuck · 17/10/2016 18:22

She will need breaks from her caring responsibilities, in order to get support from friends, space to be free of worry, etc. It's important for her health.

Equally I can see that you don't want to end up doing more than you feel able to, as you need to look after yourself as well.

Maybe say you can do one evening a week rather than the three if that's too much.

Meadows76 · 17/10/2016 18:22

oh dear. You come across as very self centred. If it were my dad I would be doing EVERYTHING I possibly could to help. Why would you not? Your feelings towards your mother are horrendous. Let's just hope you never need them for anything in the future

NoahVale · 17/10/2016 18:23

what was their relationship like before he went into hospital op?

FV45 · 17/10/2016 18:23

You need to tell us more.

If your DM was on here saying how anxious she is about her DH and how tired she is, people would be encouraging her to continue with her classes if at all possible. She needs her friends right now.

Rosa · 17/10/2016 18:24

YOu mum is probably having a hard time accepting that her husband is like this and she needs 'normality' in her life. Its probably her way of coping. Its tough on all ...

NoahVale · 17/10/2016 18:24

a friend of mine gets really cross with her ill dh who doesnt appear to help himself. and keeps getting awful things happen to him medically wise.

HellonHeels · 17/10/2016 18:26

Is there some background to this? You sound quite unsympathetic and angry with your mother.

If you're looking for solutions, you could leave the daytime visit and visit in the evening instead to allow your mum some time off caring?

I would imagine your mum has been very distressed and worried while your dad has been unwell. Why should she not maintain her leisure interests and the associated friendships/support/headspace?

NameChange30 · 17/10/2016 18:26

Did your father get a discharge assessment and care plan?
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/Pages/hospital-discharge-care.aspx

I suggest you make sure your father is getting all the medical/professional support he is entitled to, and then talk to your mother about how to fill the gaps - perhaps she could make some compromises so that she still has one or two activities but isn't relying on you all the time.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 17/10/2016 18:29

Are your siblings not coming round in evening?

Damselindestress · 17/10/2016 18:33

Sounds like a stressful time for everyone but your mother needs some time to herself. If she has a nervous breakdown who is going to do the care work then? Do you have previous problems with her? It seems a bit harsh to describe her as "not so dear" just because she wants to keep up her routine and classes. Caring for an ill spouse can be very isolating. Could you get groceries delivered and spend time with your father instead of doing the shopping? Can they get a carer? Talk it through with your siblings too, the pressure shouldn't all be on you or your mother.

Aderyn2016 · 17/10/2016 18:39

I don't know about this. If my dh was seriously ill I don't think I'd be all that fussed about my evening classes and going out with my friends. I'd also see looking after him as more my job than my dcs. Not saying I wouldn't want any help but I would not expect my adult dc to give up evenings with their own children so I could socialize for half the week.

abbsismyhero · 17/10/2016 18:47

some people spend years as a carer before they consider having breaks and me time

who is making all the sacrifices here? does she do anything for herself? im sure she can online shop for herself?

did she spend the last six weeks at hospital by his side?

sorry if i sound unsympathetic

diddl · 17/10/2016 18:52

"If my dh was seriously ill I don't think I'd be all that fussed about my evening classes and going out with my friends."

But if she's with him all day, then she might think a couple of hrs in the evening is OK.

Perhaps cut down your day visits & do one evening, Op?

Could your siblings do an evening each?

Any idea how long it might be for?

regularbutpanickingabit · 17/10/2016 18:54

You are kidding, right? So she looks after him every day and 4 nights and has asked if she could have some help from people who would be visiting anyway.... but you have a problem because she shouldn't be having a life??

So what do you do every day and every evening? Are you a full time carer? You would actively NOT go just to spite her?

Nice.

a7mints · 17/10/2016 19:03

.Being a fulltime carer is so hard.Your poor mum needs some time away for her caring responsibilities and she really needs encouraging to keep up these outside interests or she will quickly sink into depression IME.
I agree with others that the daily visits are less important than the evening respite.It is a shame it is all falling on you though.It needs to be shared with your siblings/husband /children

Gottagetmoving · 17/10/2016 19:19

Look at it that you are helping your Dad, not your Mum.
She needs a break or the stress could get too much and if that happens you could end up with two sick parents.
.

abbsismyhero · 17/10/2016 20:11

With all the carers I know only one has a regular break once a year he gets a holiday this year he took his mom(who he cares for) with him

Whocansay · 17/10/2016 20:48

Why do resent giving your mum a break? Does she not deserve some time off?

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