To be upset & chuffed right off at my mother

[annielostit]

My ddad has been in hospital for 6 weeks came home last weekend. Touch & go a few points throughout treatment..
My (not so) DM thinks it's OK to go to her evening classes & nights out 3 nights a week whilst someone has to sit with him.
He's not mobile yet, has to be aided in the bathroom etc.
I get the groceries etc in & visit everyday but the evening shift seems a step too far.
My 2 siblings work in the day. I don't want to upset people but I don't feel I should go for my mother to carry on life as everything's normal.

Your poor mother.

I would honestly rather my DM would go out and have other activities to occupy her time than sit at home with my Ddad.

It's really unhealthy and has her sitting at home ruminating on everything constantly. She's making our dads illness worse with her constant worrying and her mental health has taken a dip. So is her DC have two people to worry about now.

Having spent nearly the last five weeks looking after my dad (mum was in hospital) i can totally understand your mum needing a break from caring after him.

If your siblings aren't able to step in to looking after him in the evening, why not skip visiting during the days when your mum needs cover in the evening? Is she with him all day every day apart from the evening classes/nights out?

I would also suggest online shopping for groceries so that doesn't take up any of your time.

Oh dear, OP. You do not sound very nice at all

I suspect there is a backstory, but as usual half the AIBU crowd ignore that possibility and just pile in to berate the OP

I think you should help to support your Mum. It's hard to be on her own caring for your Dad.

Some of you are being really unpleasant to the OP. I happen to know a mother who was pretty much like the one mentioned.
The OP's mother's life has now changed and she has got to adjust to that. The OP is making valid points.
As for the person who said the OP didn't sound very nice at all - neither do you, frankly.

"Atenco

Oh dear, OP. You do not sound very nice at all"

You sound pretty horrible.

You are doing stuff through the day.

I'd suggest each sibling does one evening a week to spread the load.

One sibling to do one evening each whilst your mother is out means you would need to commit to just one evening per week to care for your dad and give your mum a bit of headspace. Personally I don't feel it's too much to ask but if you are calling her your not so dear mum there may be more to it.

its absolutely fine for your mum to do this, positively encourage it in fact, but it doesnt mean you have to step in to replace her. if your dad cant be left alone and his children are unwilling or unable, perhaps paid carers to cover those times could be considered

I suspect there is a backstory, but as usual half the AIBU crowd ignore that possibility and just pile in to berate the OP

If there is a back story is not up to the OP to reveal it rather than the responders to guess what it might be?

The back story could be absolutely anything. It could be that the OP is a spoiled princess who expects to never lift a finger to help anyone. It could be that her DM's leisure activities are a string of other men. Who knows? Surely we aren't supposed to imagine every possible back story before responding?

When I was younger I used to think/ assumed that when a family member was ill everyone rallied round and put themselves out to 'support' them.

Now older and wiser and after years of ageing elderly rellies and poorly family members (who don't always do everything they could to get well) I would say the DM is probably right to get on with her life, she can support DF but should her life peter to a halt to be on hand for his every need - no!

If you can't do the evening shift, because of your home responsibilities, that's fine.

But it is seriously important that your DMum gets breaks from caring, and has the opportunity to do some activities that she enjoys whilst it is still possible, and very important that she sees her friends (assuming that's what she is doing on her nights out). Because is she burns out, what does that mean for your DDad?

If your siblings are not helping when they can, that's a problem with them. It does not make it unreasonable of your DMum to need - really need - those few hours off.

If you cannot sustain evening visits, and your siblings likewise cannot, can you club together to pay for a Dadsitter?

If your mother collapses from the strain ye will be left looking after your dad full time. She is wise to continue her own life and ye do have some responsibility to help. If that doesn't work practically can your parents pay or can ye set up a fund between ye to help pay for some support. The reality is as parents age we are needed. If your dm was on here the advice l would give her is continue your activities and row your family in to help. Is there other people who could sit with your day eg siblings neighbours or old friends. Spread the load as much as possible but make sure your dm is well supported. After all she is carrying most of the burden.