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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only invited one twin

32 replies

AtSea1979 · 15/10/2016 09:10

DD has twins in her class that she's known since nursery. One of the twins is always mean to DD, the other is a close friend. DD is always invited to their party, as it's a joint one. AIBU to just invite one of the them to DD party?
If it was different age siblings in different classes it wouldn't be expected to invite both, does this work for twins?
It's not a whole class party or anything. DD can choose 5 class friends as it's all I can afford and she doesn't want this one twin to come. Should I discourage her from inviting either?

OP posts:

Ifounddory · 15/10/2016 09:13

If it's a 5 people only thing I can't see the issue personally. Twins are allowed to have different friends. I imagine someone will be along shortly though to tell you how evil you are.

TeenAndTween · 15/10/2016 09:14

I think OK if only inviting 5 friends.
From what I read, parents of twins want them to be treated as individuals, this is part of that.

CatMom75 · 15/10/2016 09:16

Our good friends have twin boys and they are often invited places seperately. The parents encourage it as they are two people with different identities and should be treated as such.

It also gives them time with the other one-on-one which is a rareity!

Invite the one twin. The worst that can happen is the invite is declined.

Lilacpink40 · 15/10/2016 09:16

At that age it may be easier to not invite either. The DCs mum is likely to stay and then you have the harder work twin at the party anyhow and quite likely upset / angry at not taking part fully.

m0therofdragons · 15/10/2016 09:16

I have twins aged 5, one has a party today the other doesn't. It's fine. The only time it's hard is when parents are expected to stay and dh is working. Logistically it can be tricky but I'm never offended.

Chocolatecake12 · 15/10/2016 09:16

Perfectly fine! They are individuals who will have separate friends.

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 15/10/2016 09:17

I never see them apart though, they always seem to be together, wearing similar things etc.
I guess I can just do it and if mum snubs me then there's nothing lost as it's getting to point we're I'll be bringing it up at parents eve (again) as child is hitting DD regularly (well a handful of times each year).

OP posts:

MyNewBearTotoro · 15/10/2016 09:18

I think this is a tricky one as it will depend a lot on the attitude of the twin's parents. Some would say that their twins are separate people and of course they'll have different friends so can't always be invited places together but other parents might feel it's unfair to invite one and not the other, especially if they're still quite young and in the same class. It's not possible to say what the attitude of the parent would be, although in theory I think it's fine to only invite one, especially if you're only inviting 5 children and your DD is only friends with one of them. Would be different if it was a large party or they were both good friends but if she's only friends with one then I don't see the problem.

That said the twin's parents could feel differently - I would invite the one twin but prepare for the invite to be declined if the parents don't see this as fair.

Sukitakeitoff · 15/10/2016 09:18

Definitely fine to invite just one. How old are they?

m0therofdragons · 15/10/2016 09:18

I hate the "don't invite either" argument. My dtds rarely get invited to play dates as parents feel they have to invite both and rather than do that they don't invite either. It's really sad as they're really popular. Means I'm forever hosting.

SpidersFromMars · 15/10/2016 09:19

We don't know what age, just that she has known the twins since nursery.

Inviting one seems fine to me, especially with such a small group.

defineme · 15/10/2016 09:21

My twins are boy girl and therefore I think it was more natural they'd be invited to different parties. I won't lie, it has been difficult at times when one gets an invite to something exciting and the other's in tears, what's particularly excruciating is if I have no childcare and the other has to come with me to drop them at the party. I do think if it's a big party invite both, but yours is tiny so definitely not. It's life with twins!

Jojay · 15/10/2016 09:22

I've got twins and wouldn't be remotely offended if you only invited one.

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 15/10/2016 09:33

They are 8.
define that still happens with different age siblings, I remember offering to pay for my DS to be included which they said yes to and then there was a mix up and there was no space for him at the table, he was heart broken!

OP posts:

Dawndonnaagain · 15/10/2016 10:48

I have twins (they're 20 now) but we were always happy for them to be invited separately. They have different issues and different friend groups proven by the fact that one is doing sciences at uni and the other arts!

Hulababy · 15/10/2016 10:53

I think it is fine. Your dc has invited 5 children, not a whole class. She has invited her closest friends - one just happens to be a twin.

Seems unfair to not invite the one she is friends with, for fear of upsetting the other. That wouldn't be deemed as preferable with other sibling groups.

Most parents of twins stress they prefer for their children to be treated as individuals. This is treating them as individuals with individual friends.

Taught twins last year - they were invited to separate parties and all seemed to be fine with that.

TiredBefuddledRose · 15/10/2016 11:39

Hi, I have 6 year old identical twin girls.
So far they've always been invited to the same parties except for 1 time which I had to politely decline as they were only 4 at the time and it was in a dodgy soft play place (this particular place was dodgy not soft play in general) so I would have had to stay and had nobody to watch the other girl.

I think it's fine to invite just one, nowadays I hope for them to get separate invites so I can leave one and go off and do something with the other.

Go ahead and invite just the one your daughter likes!

SavageBeauty73 · 15/10/2016 13:19

I have twin boys. They've always been invited to different parties. They've been in separate classes since reception.

CurlyMango · 15/10/2016 14:06

Perfectly fine. I would be happy, as would my twins.

AutumnColours9 · 15/10/2016 15:41

My dts would get very upset when very small (5 and under) if one is invited and not the other. But from 6 or 7 up were fine. I would give the invite to the mum and she can always decline. Only she knows her twins needs/feelings.

M0nstersinthecl0set · 15/10/2016 15:49

DD was friends with twins. Their parents did not allow them to attend parties individually. Because of a rather dysfunctional dynamic (one twin always horrid other one nice, then they'd switch) thankfully she stopped being around them outside school.
YANBU and don't be pushed into taking both.

KC225 · 15/10/2016 15:54

I have twins that often get invited to parties and playdates separately. When they were in nursery and first started reception, I think people were a bit wary so invited both or neither. As soon as they realised I encouraged their own friendship groups, and did not expect invites for both it all became a lot more relaxed

HereIAm20 · 15/10/2016 16:48

Friend with twin boys wants them to be treated as individual - never even calls them the twins but my sons etc. She relishes separate invitations and friendships and uses the time to have special one to one with the other twin.

Invite the friend - don't invite the meanie.

WindInThePussyWillows · 15/10/2016 16:53

I'm just place marking as I have 6 months old twins and really interested in this, not something I had thought about so interesting to see opinions. Sorry I don't have anything to add but hope the party and Birthday is lovely for your DC

TheGoblinQueen2711 · 15/10/2016 18:43

I have twins, and for the first 4 years they were both invited to any parties, then when they were in year 1 they were put in separate classes and the twin who moved class got invited to a party, and the twin who stayed did not, they were 5 at the time and the first time they'd been apart (they literally did everything together, their choice) Twin 1 was nervous about going on his own, Twin 2 was upset about not going, but cheered up when I took him for a McDonalds and to the arcades.
Twin 1 had an okay time, but was very lost without his brother, and when we went to pick him up, the Mum of birthday boy was mortified to realise he was a twin and she hadn't invited both, (she didn't know, her son didn't tell her) I told her it was fine, and it would do them some good to be apart.
They did get invited to a few parties separately after that, and I've always made sure that the twin not invited had something fun to do so he didn't feel left out.
They are 11 now, and still often get invited to places together, sometimes because they are both friends with the same people, and other times because people have felt obligated to invite both, I always clarify that they do not need to invite both.

I think in this situation it's absolutely fine to only invite one twin. Be prepared for the mum not liking it though as some twin mums do think that their twins need to do everything together...

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