AIBU to think I am NOT committing Financial Abuse?

[HeyPesto55]

I need some help working out if my actions are fundamentally wrong here...

My DH is a SAHD. I work full time because my earnings were considerably more when we made the decision. The set up works well for us but money is very tight and I have to work 2 extra nights per week to supplement our income.

I do feel a little taken for granted sometimes. As does he. But we are plodding on til he hopes to start working at some point next year.

I control ALL the money. And that's because we are on a knife edge and he is very bad with money. But I am really worried that I am damaging our relationship by being so prescriptive with how much we can spend. I know he hates having to ask for money but I am too scared to give him open access so I give him cash infrequently, transfer small amounts and generally pay for most things.

How do you navigate finances if one of you has an awful financial track record? I am genuinely concerned I may be committing financial abuse but may not be recognising it and would love some others' opinions.

x posts re his gambling addiction

Thanks, toptoe. He did get counselling at its worst point and then after the last relapse (about 3 years ago now). I think you right about transferring onto something else though we are both quite hyper vigilant atm.

I don't think you are being financially abusive as I've already said. I think you're being sensible and cautious. It's what you and he think that counts here though.

Releasing more financial input to him, gradually, is a good aim, but I do think it should go at your pace rather than his.

I think everyone is in agreement that, gambling aside, the current situation is controlling and not healthy.

There is no "gambling aside" here.

Your husband is a gambling addict.

Steps taken to prevent him abusing you financially are not controlling.

If he is resentful of the steps you have to take to protect yourself and your children from him, them he is nowhere near a recovery.

Particularly when he is still overspending if given the chance.

Your children need you to stop this man from.ruining their family again.

Hi HeyPesto55
Sorry I was not aiming at you with the oppressing, I actually was trying to reply to another poster who thought permanently banning someone from finances was the best way to go, in that sense I would feel that one would be oppressing., if that makes sense.

I don't think you are permanently banning him as you're giving him some responsibility with direct debits and giving him little amounts of money to be responsible over, albeit rather controlled.

Me and DH do not have joint accounts. I have my own account as does he. He transfers me money for the bills (I pay all the bills and I'm responsible for that) and then gives me spending money for food and transport etc.
You are right that someone with a gambling addiction will always have an urge to gamble, I don't deny this. It's within their control to stop it and focus on something else.
A good tactic is to find a hobby. Does you husband do anything he enjoys?

You're not wrong to be defensive about the possibility of losing your house, does he still have tendencies to spend too much? Or do you feel he has been reasonable with what money he's had?

Is he overspending or is he still gambling? Why is he overspending?

DoinItFine
He isn't a gambling addict if he hasn't gambled for 3 years. That's a really long time.
He is a recovering addict.

I think you are being incredibly harsh.

He is not gambling at the moment. To the best of my knowledge. He overspends generally because he is a bad budgeter. But not to the point where he can't pay bills so that's great. I totally separate the addiction from lax financial sense, btw. They don't feel related to me. One is an illness, a cloud that comes over him and stops him from thinking about anything else. The other is annoying stupidity that can be worked with!

Thanks, Pickled. There is some control there in your finances but you appear to have very successfully navigated to a point where you both seem really happy with the situation. This feels like such good news to me

DoinItFine, I know why you would say that but other posters are right when they say it is no life for us the way I currently control the money. Understandable maybe, but will need to change in the long run. I can't take the pressure for one. The mothering comment has also stuck.

There's a chance something terrible may happen. But there's a chance he'll always find the ability to manage it too. Pickled has given me hope that we can get into a good place, other posters have highlighted the potential pitfalls. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to give DH total financial access, mortgage, savings, shared bills etc. I plan to discuss that with him though tonight.

Have just PM'd you Pesto as I'm coming off Mumesnet now but just to quickly respond, budgeting and gambling go hand in hand.

Although it doesn't seem to correlate (I get the cloud over the head thing) it's very important that he learns to manage money.
Gamblers don't see the value in money, its the reason they're able to spend it so easily. If he see's the value in money, and manages his finances correctly i.e. doesn't spend it on unnecessary items then this is how you conquer gambling.

Whilst he is still actively over spending money this means he will be more at risk of gambling again if he was to gain control of finances.

Anyway, good luck with it all. I hope it all works out for you, its an incredibly long road x

I think some people are being too kind to the OH here.

Even if he's overcome the gambling addiction he's still shit with money (spending what he has so fast that he runs out halfway through the month).

In my opinion the OP's controlling, but necessarily so. There's no way she's being financially abusive (unless she's spending far more money on herself than her OH, which it certainly doesn't sound like).

He isn't a gambling addict if he hasn't gambled for 3 years.

LOL

Even the man himself recognises that he is still an addict.

You are giving some shocking advice to a woman to make herself financially vulnerable to justify your own failings.

Awful.

heypesto when I got married my mum's advice to me was to always be able to support myself so I'm never needing to ask my other half for money.

However, YADNBU to keep your family afloat. What is the alternative??

You're doing the best you can so stop beating yourself up.

Im not sure I made that clear in my post.

I know every situation is different. I am really appreciating all the different opinions I'm getting, honestly. I know ultimately we need to make the right choices for us though. And it's emotive. It's impossible to be really objective when you're knee deep, that's for sure.

Death, I got that advice too! And it's really stuck.

He isn't a gambling addict if he hasn't gambled for 3 years. That's a really long time.
He is a recovering addict.

He's still an addict.

And three years ago he valued his addiction over the safety, housing & feeding of his children. Three years is not a long time. He is still an addict.

The OP is driving herself into the ground to recover the family position, AND she's now worrying about her actions, with a husband who still can't take responsibility for using money as it should be used: to ensure his family is housed & fed.

Did you not see where the OP's DH spends household money thoughtlessly, so that the OP has had to take on extra work - so she works full-time plus 2 nights a week.

OP give yourself a break - you're doing what you can.

I think you can fix your relationship and your DH needs to take some responsibility for the part that his gambling plays in this.
It has broader ramifications than just money and budgeting.

You're trying to control his behaviour (albeit a negative one re gambling) and in some way that enables him to not take responsibility. He needs to really try and fix this.
Then you move forward together.

The reason he doesn't overspend to the point of not paying bills is because you bail him out by doing extra shifts. If you didn't, and all the money for things the kids need this month had gone, you'd end up having to go into next months when they need shoes or whatever. Or put it on the cc which is effectively the same thing. Sorry, but I don't think you can say 'gambling aside' either. The gambling is the point. You're both displaying behaviours that would be financially abusive in other contexts but, I'd argue, because of his addiction are not. That works both ways.

But I repeat, I don't think he's as recovered as he's being made to sound.

Agree with you, Hyacinth but I think the OP is trying to keep her marriage working and get through 'for better, for worse' - although I think that DoinItFine has a point about blaming the woman who's just trying to care for her family.

Difficult situation for you OP - it must be exhausting.

I do too, I just think it doesn't help anyone not to fully acknowledge the scale of the problem. The behaviours his addiction is forcing them into need to be named. Can't see how things could move forwards otherwise.

Yes, you're right, Hyacinth IMO - although I acknowledge I'm not in the middle of this - it must look & feel very different from the inside.

OP you sound lovely, and it's exceptional for someone to be so concerned about their behaviour as you are, when you're working so hard to keep things going. But Hyacinth is right - your DH's behaviour needs to be named. And I don't think you can separate the gambling addiction & his current carelessness over money - it seems to me they're part of the same thing: someone who does not, cannot, or will not (don't know which it is) take responsibility for such an essential life matter.

Good luck to you & your family.

You sound like a saint. Financial abuse?????

That is not defined by working 2 jobs, taking care of him, allowing him to stay in the family home, worrying get about whether you are being fair to him and saving him from himself.

Give yourself a break. I would be far stricter....but then any debt scares the hell out of me.