AIBU to think I am NOT committing Financial Abuse?

[HeyPesto55]

I need some help working out if my actions are fundamentally wrong here...

My DH is a SAHD. I work full time because my earnings were considerably more when we made the decision. The set up works well for us but money is very tight and I have to work 2 extra nights per week to supplement our income.

I do feel a little taken for granted sometimes. As does he. But we are plodding on til he hopes to start working at some point next year.

I control ALL the money. And that's because we are on a knife edge and he is very bad with money. But I am really worried that I am damaging our relationship by being so prescriptive with how much we can spend. I know he hates having to ask for money but I am too scared to give him open access so I give him cash infrequently, transfer small amounts and generally pay for most things.

How do you navigate finances if one of you has an awful financial track record? I am genuinely concerned I may be committing financial abuse but may not be recognising it and would love some others' opinions.

I don't know that he will get the opportunity to practice (and yes, make mistakes) and become better at financial management without your giving him the chance.

I realise that this must be unbelievably scary if you have lived through a gambling problem on his part. Can you start small with a plan for ramping up as he shows that he is able to manage more responsibility? It must be an amount of money that you are able to do without if he loses it somehow, but it's so important for him to have the opportunity to make mistakes and learn not to. Perhaps you could let him budget for some things on a daily basis, then weekly, then monthly? Then if he spent the money too quickly he would have the experience of having to go without later, without it being an amount of money that would ruin you.

It must be so depressing to feel that you are always in almost a 'parental' role and not able to share the responsibility. Probably it also feels a little demeaning for him too, and that can't be good for your relationship either.

Lastqueen, he does and I think might be the issue. We don't have any spare money really. So luxuries like haircuts (I know!) come out of a very small savings pot iron the cc'd. So we have to discuss it. But that's soul destroying for him, right?

Yes, but ...

He's an addict. If you both had a set personal allowance each week of equal amounts, would he gamble his? That's the fear, I imagine.

And re working and him being a SAHD - you've taken on extra shifts working - couldn't he do some of that? That might even up the balance somewhat, and ease him back into work, after being out of the workforce.

You're doing a lot - unless when you get home you behave like an entitled man, and don't lift a finger domestically but most women don't behave like this, even if many men do and I know what a strain it is being the only one responsible for keeping roof over head & food on the table.

The gambling addiction - especially at the time of the birth of your first child - is a HUGE breach of trust (I'm not sure I could have got past it, myself). You sound exhausted keeping everything going, AND worrying about whether you're being fair. It sounds like you're doing your best.

A gambling problem and you working 2 jobs puts things into perspective. I think he needs a set amount of "pocket money." He can do whatever he wants with that and not answer to you at all. It gives him some breathing room and a little space psychologically. I think it is just sensible not to give him control of the money when he has a gambling addiction. And I agree that transparency is key even if it is not sensible to give him control.

You say that he can't work evenings due to your work and therefore his role as a sahd is enabling you to earn the money that you do. On that basis you really need to see the money as earned by both of you rather than earned by you and therefore controlled by you. If you can't learn to trust him and move on from his gambling past then you should be questioning the entire relationship. I certainly couldn't live with somebody who I had to beg for money to buy bread / underpants / have a haircut no matter what terrible thing I had done in the past. I'm not suggesting that you go full throttle and have equal access to all the money instantly but I think you need to make a start by giving a set amount of money to manage and then building on from that slowly.

I don't think you're being financially abusive. I've never been in a relationship with a gambler but I did stay with a friend while he had a gambling addiction to try to help.

He is such a lovely man but it's not an acceptable way to live. I've seen his kids go without because he's put all his money for the week in a fruit machine.

Your DH sounds like he's made good progress and my worry of giving him access to the whole pot would be that it'll be too much temptation.

I would have a talk with him and tell him your feelings and come to some arrangement where he gradually has more access.

It sounds horrible of me but if he feels like he's being controlled that's because quite frankly he is and it's for his own and your family's good. I know gambling is an addiction and I know it's a difficult thing but that doesn't mean he can be allowed to leave you broke in order to spare feelings.

My friend never did get over his and his children broke down at school and went back to their mum to live.

I know I'd rather be "controlled" than left to turn my kids against me and lose them.

Could you set aside an amount of personal money that is meant to cover clothing, hair cuts, personal items for each of you?

Also, how about making him responsible for a set area of the household expenditure? Hard to say what this could be. You could ask him?

Hopefully you make a point of sharing with him all of the bills and budgeting that you do, so that he feels he knows what is going on (and learns how you are doing it!)

I really really feel for you, OP. What a difficult situation. I have to admit that, when I thought about this dilemma, I feel it would probably be a dealbreaker on a relationship for me.

Trying to keep the family above water isn't abusive, you're just trying to survive.

The difference in opinion is definitely reflecting the internal struggle I'm having. Let's admit it, the financial trust issues will always be there. I am at peace with that fact though. I can live with a man who has a disease that at time has made him do some terrible things. Because he is essentially a wonderful person. And I feel so much relief that people see the weight of the responsibility. It feels a bit colossal at times. I thinking I'm just muddling through, obviously not brilliantly. Bit like motherhood

Six, I agree it is our money, absolutely earned by us both.

Ice, that post is really sobering. I am so sorry to hear it. He is very lucky to have someone like you to understand and be there for him.

So DH has a habit of spending all that is available and then having nothing for the kids half way through the month. It's frustrating. I then end up picking up extra shifts at my 2nd job and then get really sulky about the amount I'm working. This has been going on a while and frankly we are both too tired all the time to see the wood for the trees.

This all sounds really tough on you all, but especially for you .

I think it's fine for you to maintain control of the finances overall, but it would help to sit down with DH and go through the monthly incomings, outgoings, and what you are left with after the rent/mortgage, bills, etc are paid (he probably imagines there is more available than there actually is).

With regards to the extra income for day to day and personal spending perhaps it's best if you both have separate accounts for this, with payments taken from the main account after the bills are paid. That way DH shouldn't feel like he's being treated with kid gloves, as it's the same for both of you. And it sounds like a bit of the faff, but perhaps you could arrange for this to be transferred weekly rather than monthly? That might help your DH budget better, as he's only having to plan for the week rather than a whole month. If he does well with that, eventually you could move to monthly transfers.

His gambling must have been completely awful for you and I can totally understand your instinct to keep full control. But to fully forgive him and move on, you have to give him a chance to learn these financial management skills. And if he can do this it should eventually make life easier for both of you and be better for your relationship.

perhaps split the disposable into 3?

1/3 for you
1/3 for him
1/3 for 'extras' that you both have to discuss with the other to dip into.. this being for the stuff like haircuts, take out...etc.

And i would also portion off what is spends for the kids and dish it out weekly, so there is none of this issue with it all being gone 2 weeks into the month.

its not financially abusive if you're communicating with him and doing this together, and you listen to his opinions and work as a team.

He hasn't gambled for about 3 years now. That's a massive step. He does pay some bills, btw. They're in his name and so if he chooses not to pay them, I'm protected. I transfer bill money to him monthly. He has made massive steps financially. There is definitely a light. And I agree on the 2nd job comments... his own income would probably really lift him.

Its very difficult, on the face of it yes you are being very controlling but and its a huge but your husband is a gambling addict. I work with people with addictions and gamblers are a massive challenge sadly they very seldom change.
Your DH will spend all the money available and leave nothing for for the children forcing you to work overtime. He hasn't changed.
You are in a very difficult position, it's money jointly earned but he would spend every last penny if he could.

The fact that you are asking this, I don't think it is! Plus he has a gambling addiction so he cannot have unlimited access to money at the present until he gets help, and recovers from it. I would give him, a certain amount per month to cover, things. He can work when the kids are at school, and a certain amount each month transferred regularly to you, for bills.

I'm naturally crap with money. Used to earn and waste loads. Am much more in control on less money...I withdraw cash for the week. Anything left goes into petrol. I'm in really good control but it takes discipline. I only spend 50 a week and budget carefully....we dont drink much and tend to bake our cakes etc, so it's quite easy! At the end of month I always have a surplus and that's when I get clothes, Haircuts etc....

HeyPesto55

I have had a gambling addiction and I truly know how horrific it is to be in that dark dark place.
Your husband is doing incredibly well, he has taken all the correct steps in assuring that he will not go back down that road.

I wish people would have more sympathy for this addiction though. It has one of the highest rates of suicide, it causes the person to become mentally unwell. The gambling is so hard to stop, the act itself is robotic in nature. I know how it affects people around them.
My DH does not restrict my money, I am a sahm .
He knows and appreciates how bad it got, he has been the most reasonable and supportive person, he knows that I would punish myself every time I went down that route to the point of considering suicide.

Please do not berate your husband and make him feel punished for what he has done, I'm fairly certain he punishes himself every day over it.

I do think you are financially abusing him but I think you're doing it over fear and distrust., so I understand why.
Firstly, you need to talk to him and begin building that trust again, he does need to have some financial independence.
I would suggest that you figure out how he can go back to work and earn his own money, that way he is not relying on you, and this will also allow you to stop feeling fear.

In the grand scheme of things, you cannot keep protecting him handling money forever. One of you will get to a point of stress and won't be able to tolerate it anymore. You do need to figure this out.

I am very lucky to have a DH who trusts me, still allows me to have financial independence. This thread is making me realise how very lucky I am and I'm so glad not to be down the gambling route anymore.

Well done to your DH for getting himself out of that black hole too.

I think the DH needs to be doing the work here. It isn't just the historic gambling, it is the current running out of money half way through the month. Not a couple of days before payday, halfway. I'm one of those people considered 'good with money', actually when I was young I was petrified of having no money and of getting into debt. As a student I split my loan and monthly pay and savings from working long hours in the hols,, into weekly payments, only allowed myself to spend that weeks money. Maybe he needs you to do this for him, give him money Monday morning and Thursday night. But ultimately HE needs to be finding solutions, not the OP. Acting like his Mum won't serve the relationship well for either of you, and it's lazy on his part to encourage you to do this. Ask him if he's happy with the current set up, explain your reservations, and explain that you would like to discuss some option, shall we discuss it at x time (give him a chance to think of ideas).

So DH has a habit of spending all that is available and then having nothing for the kids half way through the month. It's frustrating. I then end up picking up extra shifts at my 2nd job and then get really sulky about the amount I'm working. This has been going on a while and frankly we are both too tired all the time to see the wood for the trees.

He's doing a REALLY good job of making you responsible for his bad handling of money. And then blaming you for taking responsibility. It's too much - he needs to learn to take responsibility - or do the extra work that is needed as a consequence of his inability to behave like a grown up.

The more I read your posts, the more I think you're doing a very hard job really well. And showing that you're human & love your husband & care about his feelings. Even though he's not doing much to requite or 'deserve' that love, from what I can see.

I think there are things you can do without compromising the financial security that you need:-

1. Get him involved in the budgetting process so he understands where the money goes and why there isn't much spare.

2. Both of you get a weekly allowance to spend as you want, it doesn't need to be big but it means he can go for a coffee if he wants to. If he blows the whole lot on Monday, well tough.

3. Agree a food budget then do the main food shop but leave him the balance as a weekly top up shop kitty so he can grab bread and milk in the week. If he wastes it one week then let him feel the consequences e.g. the DC get the last of the milk and he drinks black tea or coffee.

One thing that strikes me is that you are insulating him from the effects of his poor financial habits. You control everything, if he spends too much your cover it by working more shifts. If he is really wasting money then he needs to feel the effects.

'Despite it being some years since he last did anything, he has gambled since my eldest was born and the fear is frankly petrifying.'

A lot of people are overlooking this relapse.

If your husband is still spending all of the money then this is a warning sign.
He has not gambled in three years, or has he had a relapse in this time? How did you find out?

It's not just about stopping a gambling addiction, it's also learning how to budget, save money and realise that money is not something to be thrown away.

Pickled, thank you for sharing. I just have to pop out and want to write a proper reply as I'd really value your input.

Sympathy post.

I have to do this with DW. It's hard work. We don't have a joint account, so she just keeps back as much money as she thinks she'll need for diesel and incidentals that month, and then gives the rest to me. And I pay the bills, childcare and mortgage, do all the food shopping, and try to save up as much as possible. We were in exactly the same position as you until this week, with our joint income only just being enough to cover the essentials.

In the end, I could see where things were heading, so I paid a financial advisor a huge amount of money to go through everything with a fine tooth comb. I thought we might be able to save a few quid if he could find us a better mortgage bearing in mind DW's shocking credit rating. What he actually did was not far short of miraculous. He managed to reduce our outgoings by nearly £500 a month by "restructuring" DW's debts among other non-obvious tricks.

Could you speak to a no obligation IFA? They might be able to help in ways you hadn't considered. It's also nice to not be the only person "doing" the finances, and it has given me some confidence that we're running things as efficiently as we can. Just a thought.

You are not being remotely abusive to take whatever steps aee necessary to prevent further serious financial abuse of you and your children.

How fucking dare he make the whole family poor through his gambling and then bellyache about having no money?

He's incredibly lucky to be still in a family home, never mind having you carry the financial can for his previous abuse of your financial position.

You would be insane to give him any leeway on this. He can't be trusted.

If he doesn't like them apples, then he may go and live as an independent adult and support himself and his children and pay you back every penny he's taken from you.

Rhese are the ridiculous ways women's reasonable self-protective behaviour is falsely made equivalent to male abuse.

There is a financial sbuser in your marriage, but it's not you.