AIBU to think I am NOT committing Financial Abuse?

[HeyPesto55]

I need some help working out if my actions are fundamentally wrong here...

My DH is a SAHD. I work full time because my earnings were considerably more when we made the decision. The set up works well for us but money is very tight and I have to work 2 extra nights per week to supplement our income.

I do feel a little taken for granted sometimes. As does he. But we are plodding on til he hopes to start working at some point next year.

I control ALL the money. And that's because we are on a knife edge and he is very bad with money. But I am really worried that I am damaging our relationship by being so prescriptive with how much we can spend. I know he hates having to ask for money but I am too scared to give him open access so I give him cash infrequently, transfer small amounts and generally pay for most things.

How do you navigate finances if one of you has an awful financial track record? I am genuinely concerned I may be committing financial abuse but may not be recognising it and would love some others' opinions.

Does he have to ask for new clothes/haircuts etc?
If so just imagine how unacceptable that would be on here if genders were reversed

Bodicea, different levels I think but I am so pleased your DH has come out the other side.

My DH has to impose a very strict 'no gambling' now. Not even the lottery. They were very dark days and hard to get over. He would spend everything he could lay his hands on. The fear for me is still very real until we have any savings I can squirrel away. He'd agree with everything I am saying btw. But he probably also thinks I now impose very strict controls that are not always fair and are a bit of a punishment for past sins.

Lastqueen, he does and I think might be the issue. We don't have any spare money really. So luxuries like haircuts (I know!) come out of a very small savings pot iron the cc'd. So we have to discuss it. But that's soul destroying for him, right?

I think its important that both of you have access to a certain amout of money that you don't need to give an account of, that amount agreed between the two of you, factoring in what's available. Even if that amount is tiny, at least you both know why.
For managing the household expenses - even if he is really bad with money, he should know exactly what's going on with it. A planning system you both understand such as Arf describes is particularly important if he's bad with money. If something happened to you (accident/illness) and he had to take over, he needs to know your financial ins and outs, for both his and for your childrens sake.
If he doesn't it can cause a lot of additional worry at a very stressful time.

But if you needed one to you discuss it with him? I think he needs something to have to be able to get bits.

I think you need to work together on your finances. Some people just don't understand not spending money because you have it, then when bills come there isn't any money left over.
Everyone (and more so every couple) have a different way of dealing with finances. You might remain in control of the majority and put x amount into an account for DH each month. Once that money is gone, it's gone. DH will have to start being accountable especially if that money includes costs for DC's hobbies/clothes/expenses and weekly food shops. Of course you can't see them wearing rags and starving so maybe hold back a bit to start with so you can still afford cheap meals and cheap clothes, but make a point of it that DH has to think more about the rest of the month.

Personally DP and I have a joint account. For the past 5+ years he's made LOTS more than I do. But we put everything we earn into the joint account, all bills come out of the joint account but anything else has to be discussed first. Often it's more of a courtesy than really asking but if the other disagrees then that's that or we have to talk about it.
Each month we have £x (that's what we can reasonably afford each month and still save) put into our personal account. Everything extra (hobbies, take away, meals out, nights out, etc) comes out of that. Sometimes we want to do something that we feel we need (eg a weekend break) and the joint account/savings pay half and we add to it from our personal savings. It's easy enough to move money around with online banking.

The main thing I would do it sit down and talk to your DH about how he feels, and what he thinks he could manage without spending too much but have more freedom.

Venus, that is very true. This thought does cross my mind and really worry me. Thankfully we have select friends and family members who know and would step in. But I need to be more proactive in dividing the (limited) spare funds we have.

All our money goes into one pot. All expenses go out. What is left is divided by the two of us. You could try this for one month and see how it goes. We don't have much, so when it's gone, it's gone; it can't be topped back up. This way he has access to money but he can't cause any damage to the family finances. Also, you have the same amount so it's fair and not abusive

I can't see how anyone can see this sort of scenario as anything but fair.

I think the problem lies when the available pocket money is, say £100 pm and one party wants to spend more than this - they will spend up quickly and then either be without money, or spend money that it budgetted for other things, usually essentials. If the leftover pocket money is insufficient for the OPs DH, perhaps look at how this could be increased.

Can you reduce any of your essential bills so there is more fun money left over.

Do you always shop around, look for codes and offers and use cashback sites, or do you buy the first place you see something?

Could the OPs DH do some work when the OP is at home to look after the DCs, to increase income without

If the DH is not working, has the OP transferred his tax allowance?

Peach, that first bit you mention is the approach I will take. I will try to split it out but hold some back. I'm just worried I'm treating him like a child and abusing my position as main earner because he's rubbish with money. But you're right, if I get his buy in then hopefully this can all feel much more collaborative, adult and the best course of action for the family.

If the roles were reversed and you had previously had a gambling habit which you have overcome but your partner didn't trust you not to gamble again and he was keeping / controlling all of the money because he was the sole breadwinner how would you feel? How would it feel if you had to ask for money to buy a loaf of bread? To meet a friend for coffee? To buy the children an icecream?
Would it be feasible for him to take a couple of nights work so that he can have some financial independence?

It must be hard being both of you - him because he has no free access to any money due to looking after the children and difficult for you because you dont have much money to spare and can't afford any unnecessary spending.
I don't know what the solution is but I don't think the current situation is fair to your DH.

Barbara, tax allowance is something I haven't looked into. Thanks for that.

So DH has a habit of spending all that is available and then having nothing for the kids half way through the month. It's frustrating. I then end up picking up extra shifts at my 2nd job and then get really sulky about the amount I'm working. This has been going on a while and frankly we are both too tired all the time to see the wood for the trees.

You're all making it sound so really simple, I think I need a kick up the b*tt. It should be simple.

It's not simple as he's not on the same page. We have a physical pot of money for the kids. Perhaps you police the kids' money, dish is out weekly? It's a move towards being fair and transparent; but you're not going to get there overnight as his attitude to money is different. It's a headache for you though.

• we separate our own money from money to spend on dc.

If your DH struggles with budgetting monthly, would a weekly amount help? So £45 on a Monday, instead of £200 on the first of the month (amounts examples only obviously).

You don't say how old your DCs are, but does he have time to do shopping around, changing gas and electric etc - all the tips on the moneysavingexpert website and there is a weekly email.

I almost regard all these moneysaving/moneymaking strategies as a bit of a hobby - change a bank account and get a free introductory bonus - that sort of thing.

You might not think it is worth it to save a tenner for example, but do five things that save a tenner and then you have £50, which looks much more worth it.

What does grocery shopping look like in your house? The difference in cost between a planned budgetted shop once or twice a week in Aldi and wandering round Waitrose several times a week to pick up what you like the look of could be hundreds of pounds a month - so unless you (he - if groceries/meal planning etc are already part of his SAHD role) are already shopping frugally, this could be an easy way to free up more money so you can either afford to work less, or have more money for free spending.

Six, I know how I'd feel. I'd feel depressed and frustrated. We tolerate the current situation because there is an end in sight (I'm hoping for a promotion and he can start working again next year). I could make steps to make it easier and I should.

Living with someone with a gambling addiction is life changing. It is not something that you ever 'get over,' or he won't at least. I will never forget the betrayal and we are still paying a heavy financial price. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end in some way I guess... lack of financial control is hard to live with. I think my judgement is impaired as a result though. This is why this has been so helpful.

It must be annoying having to ask for money for clothes, so perhaps he should have a monthly amount?

Perhaps he could also work in the evenings if things are tight.

His gambling is a mental health issue is it not? So I would actually be a bit more sympathetic- I assume he got help?

All this talk of "giving him money" takes the power away from him. It isn't controlling.

Ultimately you don't trust him and you need to fix that with your DH together.

DCs are 4 and 1.5. He/we could be more frugal definitely. I am better than him though. He doesn't do charity shops and multiple supermarkets. Are most women better at this stuff??

This is why I cannot allow myself to be beholden to anyone for money.

I wonder if there are any resources/support for former gambling addicts and their families on how to manage this situation. It sounds really difficult.

Sorry I mean it is controlling.

Multiple supermarkets can be a false economy - unless he walks as can charity shops if stuff wears out quicker for being older.

Agreed. Understandable trust issues. He got counselling and went to GA. If we had more money, ongoing counselling would be a good idea. Probably for me too!

The evening job rears it head every so often but isn't really viable for my work atm.

Also I don't see it as financially controlling if he's been a gambler and could easily run the family into the ground.

I'd be looking for him to get a job to earn his own spends.

Deathandtaxes123, please clarify what you mean?

Believeitornot, that's what I wondered. Am I too far down the fixing path to see what I'm doing...?