AIBU to think I am NOT committing Financial Abuse?

[HeyPesto55]

I need some help working out if my actions are fundamentally wrong here...

My DH is a SAHD. I work full time because my earnings were considerably more when we made the decision. The set up works well for us but money is very tight and I have to work 2 extra nights per week to supplement our income.

I do feel a little taken for granted sometimes. As does he. But we are plodding on til he hopes to start working at some point next year.

I control ALL the money. And that's because we are on a knife edge and he is very bad with money. But I am really worried that I am damaging our relationship by being so prescriptive with how much we can spend. I know he hates having to ask for money but I am too scared to give him open access so I give him cash infrequently, transfer small amounts and generally pay for most things.

How do you navigate finances if one of you has an awful financial track record? I am genuinely concerned I may be committing financial abuse but may not be recognising it and would love some others' opinions.

My understanding is that part of the process of a married person dealing with the consequences of a gambling addiction is accepting that their spouse will need to control the purse strings for the foreseeable future? (Similar to how someone who had an affair needs to allow their forgiving spouse full access to their phone and email in able for any trust to be rebuilt.)

So I don't think you are being financially abusive in any way. You are protecting yourself and your children from further financial abuse from him (which gambling away everything he could lay his hands in would definitely be).

I was a SAHM and my DH had most of the control over money. We had a joint account and an account for house keeping which I dealt with.
I had equal access to the joint account and was able to draw out money for me or the children so I didn't have to keep on asking DH for money.
I wouldn't like to have had to have asked.
I can see why you are worried though Op,
Would it be possible for you DH to have his own account and you put an agreed amount of money in there each month to use for what he needs
Then your DH wouldn't have to ask you for money and he can have a go at managing it.
If he runs out then that's up to him.

Yes, but you can't control the purse strings forever.

What happens when he wants to try and live a life being responsible with money, but he can't because he isn't being given a second chance?

He needs support too.

Would it just be better if all people who are addicted go and kill themselves? The pure amount of nastiness on this thread is real.

You cannot oppress somebody like that forever. Trust needs to be built, he needs to learn to be responsible with money.

She can and should control the purse strings for her chikdren's household forever.

Would it just be better if all people who are addicted go and kill themselves?

Uh WTF?

"A man's right to destroy his family financially us so important that if he xan3do it he might as well be dead"

They are dtill in the last hole he put them in, but you want to make sure he can put them in a bigger one

Would it be possible for you DH to have his own account and you put an agreed amount of money

As long as the account is one of those accounts for banrupts that has zero overdraft facility.

Presumably the problem of him thinking the family he almost ruined should be giving him more than his fair share of the meagre finances he left them will persist.

Flip your OP to be a husband talking about his stay at home wife and yes- classic financial abuse.

Can't believe your DH is putting up with this.

Sorry haven't rtft to see if this had been suggested. You have said that you are working a second job at nights? Not sure what work you are doing or if it's possible for your partner instead to work a couple of nights - only suggesting as you may be better off as he will be earning using his tax free allowance which presumably you will have already used in your ft job.

We pay in everything we earn minus a set agreed amount to keep back each to spend out we like. We earn different amounts but I work 2 part time jobs instead did one full time job. When I earned nothing when on last months of maternity pay my husband transferred me the amount we have for personal spending from his wages. Is only a small amount but enough so we feel like we have some finanice freedom and both in the am boat together

DoinitFine

Well the thing is, you're assuming that is what will happen. OP has not said whether her husband has had a relapse or whether he is still spending all the money every time he gets chance to.
If this were the case then I would say YES do control the money but allow him to earn his own money and be responsible for what he pays for.
If he choose to relapse then at this point, she has to make decisions.

If he hasn't had a relapse and is not spending all of the money every time he has chance to. The I would say NO you cannot control the purse strings forever this is abusive.
People do need to be given chances, especially if she plans to stay in her relationship with him because that is no life to live.

If he's willing to make change then everyone needs to be willing to support that and make changes accordingly.

Lucy
Have you RTFT?
The DH had a serious gambling addiction which is still having repercussions for the family. If you flipped to a SAHM with a gambling addiction would it really be different?

OP says DH has, in the present tense, a habit of spending all available money thus forcing her to pick up extra shifts. Tbh OP whatever progress he's made, it sounds like his problems are a lot more current than some posters are acknowledging. Ongoing rather than past. I don't know that his overspending now can be separated neatly from previous gambling. It sounds like a compulsion. Terrifying.

Lucy, read the thread. The DH has a gambling addiction which has put his family in dire financial straits. It would be perfectly possible to argue that this in itself was a form of financial abuse.

He has had relapses and he remains quite capable of spending all available money at once.

So you think he should have equal access to all funds so that he can repeat this do you? Seriously??

My Dad was the main earner in our family but drank, smoked and generally wasted away our money to the extent we lost a house. My mum ended up giving him £100 a week for his spends and using the rest to pay household expenses. I feel in this case my dad financially abused my mum and not the other way around (obviously if my dad legitimately needed more money it would have been available).

As it happens, when they divorced my dad wracked up hundreds of pounds worth of credit card debt and left it to my mum to pay them off. That was more abusive.

Watching with interest as my husband and I have been in a similar situation.

CheeseBadger, that is such a good idea. We could do it together. That definitely gives me a bit of an uplift thinking about it.

YANBU
I was doing something similar, except I was a SAHM and DH was working full time. No gambling addiction, but he would just spend without thinking. As long as it is not a way to control the other person - and it doesn't sound like from your OP - I don't see the issue.

I was about to say you were being unreasonable UNTIL I read the gambling bit. I have a brother who is addicted to gambling although not currently gambling.
On the basis I think YADNBU.

If things are tight, get Noddle credit reports for both of you printed out, give them to the IFA, and be completely open and honest with the advisor. If you are still paying debts from the last incident (as we were) and those could conceivably be put onto a mortgage, you could have a solution.

You still have more serious issues to deal with together, but I know the financial breathing space it bought us is going to be a life saver.

Pickled, again thank you for sharing. I think your DH sounds like a brilliant man. You are very lucky but so is he. You obviously have a very strong relationship.

Can I ask some further clarification? You say he gives you access to the joint account? Without asking too many personal questions, do you have access to everything? (Joint mortgage/savings/pensions etc). I am going to be totally honest and say I don't think i can see me getting there... that feels like a huge step.

Don't let him anywhere near the financial stuff

And Pickled, I feel a bit defensive about being named an oppressor. I am very far from perfect. My DH is very far from perfect. Our relationship has certainly taken some knocks and he has worked hard to overcome his addiction. And I have worked hard to help him. But he will admit it will never go, I would be a fool not to try and protect our home, wouldn't I?

We have a simple system that we can spend up to an agreed limit on frivolous stuff for ourselves, anything else has to be discussed and agreed on in advance. The limit varies depending on our financial position, but could be £20 a week, for example.

My aunt and uncle had a similar situation. My uncle did not have a gambling problem, he simply had no financial sense whatsoever. No matter how much money he had, he would spend it as quickly as possible without a thought for tomorrow. I remember once as a child, my parents went out with my aunt and uncle. The adults hired two teenaged babysitters to take care of all the children (my siblings and cousins). When they returned home, my uncle kept pulling cash out of his wallet, trying to pay the babysitters more and more money. My aunt just shrugged her shoulders. She had long since established a system wherein she gave him a certain amount of money each month. When it was gone, it was gone. If he wanted to spend it on books or clothes or ridiculously over-paying the babysitters, that was up to him.

Of course, the system only worked because my uncle was entirely amenable to it. He knew he had a problem with overspending and was happy to let his wife take care of all things financial. In your situation, more negotiation and compromise may be necessary.

Good luck. It sounds like a very difficult place to be.

Thanks everyone. This really has just been so helpful, practical and frankly very cathartic.

I think everyone is in agreement that, gambling aside, the current situation is controlling and not healthy. I think I knew that deep down. It is probably damaging our relationship and I need to let go but with some initial boundaries until we're working together better financially and I've developed a better level of trust.

To go back to your original question, no. You are not financially abusive.

Financial abusers control money to control the other person. It actually has a lot less to do with money and a lot more to do with bullying someone else so they are easier to manipulate in other areas of life.

Some financial abusers control all the money to prevent their partner living a full life eg running a car or buying their own clothes or being able to escape.

Other financial abusers steal all the other person's money and refuse to financially contribute (this was my experience), forcing their partner to make all the money and then taking that money to fund their own lifestyle whilst the earner is left struggling to pay the bills and working longer hours. This way they get to live without having to work, get to have their lifestyle without getting nagged by a partner who is usually worn ragged working.

Another form of financial abuse is when you steal from an elderly relative, to get involved with their finances so you can siphon off amounts for your own purse. Or even to get them to hand over large amounts.

In all cases, it is someone who is of that anti-social ilk who is using money to control another person and to gain financially whilst they do so. Having their cake and eating it.

What you are doing is in response to his gambling addiction and securing the family finances. You are just making ends meet. You aren't gaining personally whilst he suffers. You are doing it for your family as a unit. If you're worried, sit down with him and go over it all and explain how you are doing it. It must be hard work managing it alone.

Did he have any counselling for his gambling addiction? Sometimes one addiction is replaced by another if the core reason for the addiction isn't sorted.