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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay for school dinners?

116 replies

Apalem · 13/10/2016 11:58

I have split from my wife and as a result I pay maintenance regularly, we calculated the payments based on my wages, and the number of times per week D.C. Stays with me- this using the government calculator. Due to my shifts D.C. Stays with me 2 - 3 days a week depending on our shift patterns. The Government calc worked out I should be paying £255 per month if D.C. Was staying 2 nights per week or £198 if son stays 3 nights per week. I said to wife that I would pay £250 per month and that would make sure that I'm definitely paying enough (even though payment should be closer to £198 mark) the issue and a wife is now complaining about me not paying school dinners - son is a picky eater and doesn't eat much in the dinners so I would prefer him to have lunches.

To put this into context wife is living in matrimonial home and paying interest only mortgage. By the time she takes her wages, tax credits, maintenance and child benefit she has more money coming in a month than I do

Should I be shelling out for the dinner money?

OP posts:

Fourormore · 14/10/2016 16:37

For the child that is paid to the ex. What is your point?

Fourormore · 14/10/2016 16:38

Read the thread again. Usually 3 nights, sometimes more, rarely only two, and in terms of days the OP does more care but this isn't included in the CMS calc as it's not overnight.

milkyface · 14/10/2016 16:44

Ok so OP spends £250 on his child (paid to the ex)

He also pays, his rent (roof over head for child 2/3 days a week), bills (warmth! Power! Etc. when he has the child ) he also buys food for the child 2/3 days a week (more money!) and clothes him (you guessed it more cash)

The child's mother pays mortgage (roof over head of child for rest of week!) bills (again warmth and power for days she has him) food and clothes (do you see where I'm going with this yet?)

So whilst it costs more than £250 a month to raise a child (though I don't think you can put a number in it personally!!) you can see that op is contributing significantly more to the child's upkeep than the £250 which he pays in maintenance.

It's not just down to op to fund his child's lifestyle, it's the other parents responsibility too.

I think if anyone paying more towards the child's upbringing, it's probably op in this situation.

Careforadrink · 14/10/2016 16:49

You don't have him half at all

£250 is not a lot. Food is expensive.I'd be embarrassed quibbling over paying for school dinners. It's about what is best for your son not about paying your ex less.

Priorities.

milkyface · 14/10/2016 16:50

care read my previous post. Op isn't just contributing £250 is he? No

arethereanyleftatall · 14/10/2016 16:53

from a completely independent pov, It does seem really unfair that if the child's time is split roughly in half, the nrp has to pay half expenses plus maintenance whilst the rp pays half expenses but gets government benefits plus the maintenance on top.

00100001 · 14/10/2016 17:02

careforadrink RTFT!

Seekingadvice123 · 14/10/2016 17:02

YANBU OP.
Your DS has two parents who should both be paying for his upkeep. Her income after bills etc is higher than yours so she should pay for the meals.

Original poster

Apalem · 14/10/2016 17:02

Vintagegirl1

Is that you dh? My husband believes he is justified in giving me £40 per week for 3 dcs as he is still paying the mortgage. However for years he taunted je with the fact the house is solely in his name and that I would get nothing if we split. Now he knows this is bollocks he is dragging his feet over selling it. Like you he still believes he is the hard done one.

Are you a troll, stupid, or have you just jumped into this thread, not listened and then thought you would castigate a male because he is the non resident parent by pushing how bad he is without knowing the facts? Let's look at your post and compare it with the info already available in this post...,

Your husband gives you £40 per week for 3 D.C. This works out at £173.33 per month (40x52) / 12. As already stated in my post I pay £250 per month for 1 child - I do not pay the mortgage as it is interest only and I am paying rent for another house.

Re the sale of the house it has already been stated that the house is in both names, and that I have offered to walk away from the house and leave it to my wife, but my wife cannot afford rent/mortgage on her own at the minute.

So Vintage Girl, No, I am not your husband, and to be honest given your uneducated post on a thread that you obviously haven't read I am glad I am not.

I would never wish the breakup of a marriage on any couple, but your actions MAY go a little way to explain some of the things that led to the breakup of your marriage, i.e. The jumping to conclusions.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 14/10/2016 17:08

If you do not have your DC at least 3 nights per week then you are not paying too much and it's not voluntary. You are simply paying the legal minimum.

milkyface · 14/10/2016 17:16

. You are simply paying the legal minimum

You didn't read the thread (or even the op seemingly!) did you?

kittybiscuits · 14/10/2016 17:20

You don't seem to understand how child maintenance is calculated.

milkyface · 14/10/2016 17:22

Eh no.. I do.

So does op. He pays it. He pays more than he legally has to, which he has stated more than once.

The thread isn't about whether he's paying enough maintenance anyway!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/10/2016 17:22

Apalem - I guess my next question is this - what do you plan to do about this issue? You've discussed it here, and had a range of opinions, but in the end, you need to decide whether or not you are going to pay for the school dinners.

My point about whether this was a fight you want to have, was about this decision you have to make. If you refuse to pay for the school dinners, will this end up becoming a fight with your ex, and if it would, do you want to have that particular fight?

Maybe you need to weigh it up and decide whether you can afford to pay for the meals, for the sake of harmony with your ex, or whether this is a matter of principle that is important enough for you to be willing to fight it out with her. We can't answer that for you, but my advice would be that this doesn't sound like a big enough thing to be worth a row.

Original poster

Apalem · 14/10/2016 17:48

Sdtg,

I'm not sure to be honest, it isn't the largest amount of money in the world agreed, and for me to pay it may make things more harmonious- on the other hand if I start rolling over on smaller things will that continue to the point where I end up paying for everything ...idk, and if I don't stand ground on this will it then start going down the road of access being restricted or offered purposely on days that I am working etc.

I would rather a reconciliation with my wife but they things are at the minute I don't think it's likely in the near future no matter what I do.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/10/2016 18:08

You are worried that giving way on this might lead to you paying for everything - the other possibility is at, by being cooperative on this, you will help foster a better relationship with your ex, that may help in the future, if you disagree over more serious matters.

If it were me, I'd want as peaceful a relationship as possible with my ex, for the sake of the child, and I would hope that reasonableness from me would be met by reasonableness from my ex.

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