To not pay for school dinners?

[Apalem]

I have split from my wife and as a result I pay maintenance regularly, we calculated the payments based on my wages, and the number of times per week D.C. Stays with me- this using the government calculator. Due to my shifts D.C. Stays with me 2 - 3 days a week depending on our shift patterns. The Government calc worked out I should be paying £255 per month if D.C. Was staying 2 nights per week or £198 if son stays 3 nights per week. I said to wife that I would pay £250 per month and that would make sure that I'm definitely paying enough (even though payment should be closer to £198 mark) the issue and a wife is now complaining about me not paying school dinners - son is a picky eater and doesn't eat much in the dinners so I would prefer him to have lunches.

To put this into context wife is living in matrimonial home and paying interest only mortgage. By the time she takes her wages, tax credits, maintenance and child benefit she has more money coming in a month than I do

Should I be shelling out for the dinner money?

It's amazing how a parent can go from imagine they would do anything for their child to bitching about paying for school lunches.

So surely you could tell the mother to pay up and do it with grace too?

The mother isn't here bitching about paying to feed her child.

The penultimate paragraph of the opening post also suggests that the mother is meeting the full mortgage payments for a house that the OP still has an interest in. I wouldn't be moaning about a tenner a week to someone who was doing that for me, would you?

The mother is asking op to pay presumably because she doesn't want to?

She's paying interest only so not actually putting any capital into the property, while op has to rent (which will be considerably more I bet!!) so er no I wouldn't be thanking her actually she's not doing op any favours really.

Also see my earlier post re what benefits she will get whilst op gets none even though he has to house/feed/clothe his child three nights a week.

Op has said he'd happily make pack lunches so that he knows his child will eat (sensible) so why doesn't the mother let him rather than arguing about a tenner a week?

She might not be putting capital into the house but she is servicing the loan and the OP will benefit from the capital appreciation. She's doing him a massive favour.

He's not getting any benefits because he's not the child's primary carer. As he guarantees to have his child for two nights a week, he only pays 5/7 of the full maintenance that would otherwise be due.

Why would the parent who can only guarantee to have his child for two nights out of seven be the one to decide of the child's school lunch arrangements? Has the OP offered to drop the lunch off at school five days a week, if he feels so strongly? However, this will have nothing to do with the child's lunch, it will be about tightness or control.

Who pays for your dcs activities, birthday presents for class mates, school trips etc?
It can really add up.
This week our 8 yr old dd has cost us:
£10 football training plus match fee
£10 swimming lesson
£15 piano lesson
£8 acrobatics/ballet lesson
£8 contribution towards a school trip
£2 charity collection for harvest
£10 for a birthday present for a party this weekend
£5 for Cubs outing

£68! A week!! I've never worked this out before and I'm shocked myself!!

That's before food, heating, clothes, essentials etc

I don't know how much stuff your dc does, so my point is your ex might be paying for a lot of stuff you don't even realise.

*She might not be putting capital into the house but she is servicing the loan and the OP will benefit from the capital appreciation. She's doing him a massive favour.

He's not getting any benefits because he's not the child's primary carer. As he guarantees to have his child for two nights a week, he only pays 5/7 of the full maintenance that would otherwise be due.

Why would the parent who can only guarantee to have his child for two nights out of seven be the one to decide of the child's school lunch arrangements? Has the OP offered to drop the lunch off at school five days a week, if he feels so strongly? However, this will have nothing to do with the child's lunch, it will be about tightness or control.*

She's not doing him a massive favour at all. She's living in their house, he's having to rent at a bigger cost to him.

He has the child 3 nights, but pays more maintenance than he legally has to.

He's not the child's primary carer, but three nights is significant. He isn't getting 3/7 of the benefits is he? No.

He wants to decide the lunch arrangements because the mother doesn't want to pay, and the child doesn't want to eat it anyway. It makes more sense for everyone imo for the child to have pack lunches. I really don't understand why the mother won't just let op do it as he has offered, she wouldn't be paying then would she? No.

It is about control, on the mothers part. Op wants to. Hangs to pack lunches because he thinks the child will eat more, which is a sensible reason imo.

No your wife is being greedy. You could say you will pay what is due £198 and then the dinner monies. If things are that tight for her tell her to get a job paying more money

It doesn't answer the bigger picture, but it really would be worth checking out whether your wife is entitled to claim free school meals for your son. It wouldn't just provide the meals- the attached pupil premium means that the school would be able to subsidise other school costs for your son, such as a contribution towards extra support or educational visits.

SilentlyScreamingAgain

I have offered for the wife to take on the mortgage and for me to walk away from the family home, she cannot afford to do this, and in theory I could start looking at forcing a sale of the house, not something I want to do as it means that my wife will be out a lot more money, in that she would have to pay rent or organize a mortgage on another property, but maybe that is my fault as well? Maybe I should pay for my wife's accommodation as well as my own, would that satisfy you?

I am not looking for the benefits, but as you say I have my son (guaranteed) 5/7ths of the time - usually more than this, why should I not get guaranteed 5/7ths of the government allowances? I would point out that I guarantee that I have my son 5/7ths of the time but this is usually more, maybe I should ask my wife to give up her custody at which stage I could have him 7/7ths of the time - would £250 maintenance be enough for his mum then or should I pay for her transport to and from work as well? - you see you have made some assumptions in relation to this situation, I am not a runaway father who just walked out on his family, I was forced to leave due to a breakdown in our marriage caused in some part by my actions, some part by my wife's actions and in some part by strain caused by a step daughter (whose care I contributed to without being asked for a period of over 10years - and who's absent father didn't pay any money for-and I have never made mention of). Step daughter is now grown and left home so providing for her is not an issue.

I guarantee two nights a week with my son as that is the absolute minimum I can do...I pay as if I only have him two nights a week, but I have his care needs for usually three and sometimes more nights a week.....I have my son all the time that I am not working to pay to look after him, I physically cannot do anymore without cutting back hours in work which would mean a reduction in maintenance payments, and it being joint custody, I cannot see my wife giving me my son for more time (it may make me the main cater though and result in my wife paying me maintenance?)

So SilentlyScreamingAgain, should I give up work, take my son more, prostitute myself to pay more, or kill myself so that my pension kicks in earlier and it won't cost anything to keep me and my wife still gets payments?

My ex pays one week of school dinners and I pay one week and alternate them he also pays the minimum amount cm but will contribute to trips and activities. I think your being unreasonable. If she's working it can be hard having to knock up pack lunches i found myself running out to the shops half way through the week so the school meals were a better option and with it being winter it's nice for DS to have a warm meal.

why are half of you responding as if the OP is quibbling over the maintenance? He is questioning whether he should pay for uneaten school dinners.
RTFT for goodness sake.

You have had a rough ride OP. You sound more than reasonable, but I think I'm these circumstances perhaps you should agree to go halves on school lunches for a term, then review.

Apalem - it is up to you to decide what your son eats when he is with you - so on your days, send him with a packed lunch, by all means. But you don't get to dictate what your ex-wife does on her days. You don't get to give her extra work.

Have you asked her why she wants your son to have school dinners? Maybe, as others have suggested, it's because she feels he will be more likely to try different foods if he's eating in the company of his friends. Or maybe she's getting him ready for senior school - where, in my experience, more children have school lunches than packed ones.

It might help if you looked at school dinners as more of a snack lunch - so as long as he's getting a decent meal in the evenings, your son will be fine.

It isn't about what the wife wants to do, if she wants to send him to dinners fine, but if it's because she can't be bothered in the morning to make him lunch why should I fund it? It's not in DCs interest and it isn't in my interest - I have. Ever dictAted what my wife does or doesn't do, and I'm not going to start now. The question asked was ref payment of the lunches SDTG with the greatest of respect you have attempted to swing this into a debate which it is not. -At no stage have I said that my wife should be making packed lunches all the time for my son -the question asked was whether O should be paying for dinners on top of the already paid maintenance which is higher than that set by government. I would suggest that in future before putting your opinion in you inform yourself properly of the discussion, and keep your opinion within the confines of the question asked.

*I have never dictated not I have ever dictated

OK - dictated was the wrong term, maybe. I assume she doesn't feel she can afford to pay for the school dinners herself, and that's why she has asked you to cover it. Is that right?

If she can't pay for the dinners, and you won't pay for them, then you are forcing her hand somewhat - or that is how it could look.

But all this aside, I think what you need to ask yourself is whether you want to have this particular fight, or whether it might help to foster good relations with your ex-wife if you could compromise on this particular issue.

£250 a month is bugger all compared to what it costs to bring up a child. I'm amazed at how many people consider a father to be positively saintly for contributing slightly more than the bare minimum.

SDTG, I'm not sure what the reasoning behind wife asking for me to pay for dinners was .....and it's more the principal of the paying than anything else, I would go hungry myself before I would think of letting my son go without a meal. - even when he doesn't eat it. I'm not sure if it was a case that dinners weren't paid for and she was asking me to cover them for that week or what, but she can afford the dinners - in fact at the minute she has more money coming in and less money going out than I have.

Re the fight with the wife, I haven't actually had a fight about it, I know it would lead to bad relations and that's not something I want for either of our sakes or more importantly for the sake of DS.

Yellowcrocus I suggest you read my last post

Is that you dh? My husband believes he is justified in giving me £40 per week for 3 dcs as he is still paying the mortgage. However for years he taunted je with the fact the house is solely in his name and that I would get nothing if we split. Now he knows this is bollocks he is dragging his feet over selling it. Like you he still believes he is the hard done one.

Obviously not, Vintage, as the OP pays more than that for 1 child and their house is in joint names.

SilentlyScreamingAgain Thu 13-Oct-16 19:50:20
"The mother isn't here bitching about paying to feed her child."

But it has been made clear that OP has child half the time, pays for eveyrhitng whilst he is there, AND pays the wife £250 pcm for the times he is at mums.

So, you could say, the Mum is the one refusing to pay to feed her child.

vintage have you actually read the OPs posts?

£250 a month is bugger all compared to what it costs to bring up a child. I'm amazed at how many people consider a father to be positively saintly for contributing slightly more than the bare minimum.

Nope it costs more than that but his mum works, gets tax credits and child benefit which also goes towards bringing the child up. Also OP has his child 2/3 days a week and presumably spends more money on housing / clothing / feeding him as well.... What's your point?

I hate the attitude that nrps should give up everything to their ex for the child, to the point where people think they should move back in with their parents to fund it leaving themselves practically destitute in the process.

It's frankly ridiculous.

How is 2-3 days a week half? And child maintenance is not money to the ex, it's money for the child.