To not pay for school dinners?

[Apalem]

I have split from my wife and as a result I pay maintenance regularly, we calculated the payments based on my wages, and the number of times per week D.C. Stays with me- this using the government calculator. Due to my shifts D.C. Stays with me 2 - 3 days a week depending on our shift patterns. The Government calc worked out I should be paying £255 per month if D.C. Was staying 2 nights per week or £198 if son stays 3 nights per week. I said to wife that I would pay £250 per month and that would make sure that I'm definitely paying enough (even though payment should be closer to £198 mark) the issue and a wife is now complaining about me not paying school dinners - son is a picky eater and doesn't eat much in the dinners so I would prefer him to have lunches.

To put this into context wife is living in matrimonial home and paying interest only mortgage. By the time she takes her wages, tax credits, maintenance and child benefit she has more money coming in a month than I do

Should I be shelling out for the dinner money?

Sounds to me like dad is doing far more than most. I would probably offer to go halves on the lunches or send him pack ups on your days and she does what she wants on her days.

So you pick ds up on his mum's days whilst she is at work. Does she not pay for childcare in that case then?

OP, my DP has this. He pays half for everything and has his DD 2/3 nights a week. It is also what I do with my ex but we share of DS 50/50 pretty much so so neither of us pay maintenance. I understand it is frustrating but I agree with previous posters that you should contribute half of what she is paying out. Consider the £250 a month you pay your DS's board and keep for the extra he is with his mum.

By my reckoning three nights is not actually half a week. your ex has them for an extra night on each of those weeks ,and by your own admission since you usually only have them for 2 nights ,then on those weeks she actually has them for three more nights than you do.

You do not say who has the children at the weekends, when school lunches are not available and the care required is all day, not a couple of hours in the evening before they go to bed and then getting them ready for school in the morning.

It's not the point of the thread, but if she's claiming tax credits, isn't your son entitled to free school dinners? It probably depends what are you're in, but that's worth checking.

Sorry, have read through op and subsequent posts more carefully and I think I have underestimated your care. apologies, I am in a grumpy mood and should not take it out on you.

*area

Viques That has to be the first time I have EVER seen a decent apology on MN! Bloody impressed!

Can I add the schools that my kids went to don't allow the swapping and changing midweek thing, they say they are either school lunching or packing lunching and kids can change at the end of term. Not midweek. Something to do about seating arrangements.

Just do what you think is right re the money. I don't think it's fair or unfair. I do know that men living away from their children have it harder than some mums would care to admit both financially and with regard to decent access. You seem to manage the access fairly well, so maybe you can negotiate something re money (without being taken for a ride, which is what I think might be happening).

sorry missed words,

...is what I think, you think, might be happening)

£250 per month is absolutely fuck all for a child

pay for school dinners , and if you cant afford it make an arrangement for cheaper packed lunches, not easy tho!

your child needs
heating
council tax
clothes
soap
toothpaste
FOOD
shoes
winter clothes
treats
school trips
charity money to school
birthday parties
presents for their friends

and so on!!!! there is a lot more your ex might be funding than you realise

Sort All. If op's ex is working and claiming tax creidts his ds won't be entitled to free school meals, nor should he be with 2 working parents !

Make lunches when DC with you and she can pay for school lunches when with her.

Babyroobs - Not true. I claim CTC and WT and work, I am entitled to claim free school meals for DD. Think it depends on the area.

We don't claim them, but that's irrelevant.

TBH the money for D.C. Is not the issue, D.C. Is well looked after both by mum and I. There are no childcare payments as MIL helps with looking after (she isn't getting any maintenance). The "extra" time that mum has D.C. Is one day a week - at most - and care by MIL is only when it is wife's time with D.C. So in theory I MAY have D.C. More than mum

Apalem - the point I was making wasn't just that making packed lunches is a pain in the butt, it was that you want to put that work onto your ex-wife, on the days when she has your son.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to decide to give him packed lunches on the days when you are making them, but when she's responsible for him and his lunches, it is up to her to decide how best to do this, and I don't think it would be reasonable for you to try to force her to do packed lunches if she doesn't think it is the best option on her days.

I can completely see why you wouldn't want to pay your ex more for something you don't think is the best nutritional choice for your child.

As it stands I'd probably say no to paying more for the lunches, not least because your son isn't eating them, and secondly because surely you have to consider that sort of thing included in the payment you make already. Optional extras like school trips - not included - extra money needed if you agree to him going. Necessaries like eating - you have to call those included, right? It's not like it would be reasonable for him to go without if you don't agree to pay extra. I'm no expert but that seems common sense.

Obviously pick your battles and if this is going to be a huge deal you have to weigh up where it falls on the "importance scale"... The thing is even if you don't pay extra you still might not be able to secure packed lunches for your son because if your ex won't make them there's not much you can do!

Very female bias answers here. If you had been the mother you would get a very different perspective on MN.

Firstly, you should only pay what the Government calc says you should, if you pay more you won't be thanked by the other parent and you wont get any credit. Use the rest of the money on your DC directly or save it for them to use in the future.

Each parent should pay for the school dinners or make a pack lunch for the days you have residence. You need to have a clear delineation of the boundaries and responsibilities otherwise you are heading for years of nasty demands over everything.

Keep arranging your life/job so you get closer to 50/50 residence and potentially more.

Are you going to make the packed lunches everyday?

And now it's even, it may be 15% to D.C.'s mum for maintenance but what you and some posters don't seem to realize is that I pay for my D.C. When he stays with me too, so I pay what any parent pays for their D.C. Plus an additional 15percent. I don't drink or smoke, and work damn hard to give my son a good life - and his mum a good life while we were together, but it is now a case of supporting D.C. No supporting his mum

The OP is generally paying more than he should for maintenance

just what I was going to point out.

Why does your ex-wife want DS to have school dinners?

That (and your reasons for wanting him to have a packed lunch) should surely be the starting point for any discussions.

Is she hoping that it might encourage him to eat a wider range of food if he's a picky eater? Is it because she wants him to have hot food? Or is the school one of those that prefers all children to have school dinners?

I would be wary of including your DS in the discussions as there's a risk that he might feel as though he's being disloyal to one of you if he picks the other parent's preferred option.

If your DS is 10yrs old then presumably secondary school isn't all that far off. This might be a good time to sit down together and discuss what you will both be willing to contribute towards the extra expenses that this will bring. The school uniform, for example, may well swallow up a full month's maintenance. School meals and school trips may also be more expensive etc.

If you can't agree on something as relatively straightforward as school dinners, the resentment between you both is only going to grow as your DS gets older.