To not pay for school dinners?

[Apalem]

I have split from my wife and as a result I pay maintenance regularly, we calculated the payments based on my wages, and the number of times per week D.C. Stays with me- this using the government calculator. Due to my shifts D.C. Stays with me 2 - 3 days a week depending on our shift patterns. The Government calc worked out I should be paying £255 per month if D.C. Was staying 2 nights per week or £198 if son stays 3 nights per week. I said to wife that I would pay £250 per month and that would make sure that I'm definitely paying enough (even though payment should be closer to £198 mark) the issue and a wife is now complaining about me not paying school dinners - son is a picky eater and doesn't eat much in the dinners so I would prefer him to have lunches.

To put this into context wife is living in matrimonial home and paying interest only mortgage. By the time she takes her wages, tax credits, maintenance and child benefit she has more money coming in a month than I do

Should I be shelling out for the dinner money?

Does your DS want school dinners? Sometimes it's about sitting with friends rather than what they get to eat.
Once I'd established whether he wanted school dinners or not, I'd work from there.
If he doesn't want them, then you can make packed lunches on the days you have him. But you can't make his DM make packed lunches so you could offer to pay for half.It really does depend on who is picking up all the large expenses eg trips; uniforms; party gifts for friends, etc.
You have to parent together for a long time. I wouldn't make school dinners a battleground. I don't think it's about what you 'should' be doing. Parenting has to be a lot more pragmatic than that imo.

Does your son have a preference for packed lunch or school dinners? I think if I was in your situation I'd do the packed lunch on your days and let his mum pay for school dinners on hers. I know you're worried because of his fussy eating but he won't starve. Maybe if he starts regularly eating those he might be encouraged to expand his taste buds a bit and try new things.

From what you describe I do not think you are being unreasonable.

I think you may have got better responses by calling yourself and wife resident parent and non-resident parent.

If you begrudge paying a few pounds for a school lunch then why dont you arrange with ex wife for you to drop in a packed lunch for the child each day , i can understand why she doesnt want to do it , its a major ballache sticking to the rules , what happens when the child needs a coat or school uniform or new shoes do you begrudge buying those too , your sending a clear message to your child that they dont deserve these things out of annoyance with your ex

"£250 per month is absolutely fuck all for a child" maybe in your world stop, but not for a lot of us.

Good on you.... £250 per month and now quibbling over a little bit extra for school dinners. I hope you realise i'm being sarcastic.

I think you're getting a pretty rough time OP.

A pal of mine is in a similar situation. He has 50:50 with his child (he probably does fractionally more) and was still paying maintenance for his daughter. In addition to this he allowed his wife to claim tax credits, child benefit etc. He also paid an additional £120pcm towards his step son (he had been in the boys life since he was 3 years old) despite the fact that she received minimal maintenance from his Bio Dad.

Despite all this.......it was never enough.

I note that certain people on here are listing the expenses involved in raising a child (not sure about council tax - whoever that was) but I'm sure the OP knows what they are, as they're expenses he has to pay for himself and the child!

Why do so many men think that paying the legal minimum is something to be proud of? It's not the exact amount that has been deemed fair, its the minimum you should get away with paying.

I'm assuming the school doesn't allow your DS to have school dinners some days and packed lunch other days, as that would be the obvious solution. Out of interest, as your son is 10, what does he want to do? Does he want school dinners or packed lunch?

Should I be shelling out for the dinner money?

Shelling out?? For your children's food???

Dear God, I despair.

Just be thankful he is paying and above what the calculator says. So many people on here have exes who pay nothing. Why should strangers on the internet "be thankful" that someone pays something for the children he has fathered, just because some men don't?

I am bit puzzled by some of the responses. If the OP was paying £250 and not having his child stay with him I would understand. He is paying £250 on top of caring for his son for 2-3 nights a week. He would be making packed lunches on his nights. It makes sense to provide food that his DS will actually eat than pay for a school lunch that he won't eat.

User 147 It's not the legal minimum though is it?

It's not a case of being 'proud' either. I pay more than the legal minimum (by virtue of the fact that I pay ALL housing costs, and many of her expenses (Phone, AA, Insurance, Water, Electric, etc.) but I tell my STBXW to budget carefully she ignores this as if my circumstances change I might only be able to pay the legal minimum.

That gives (typically) women a little more certainty. A minimum is useful in that sense.

Op YANBU. Personally I'd just ask your son what he want to do and then inform your ex. Surely she's not going to (or you're not depending on what he decides) argue with a child.

Oh and for all of you that are saying £250 for a child a month is fuck all.

Think of it this way,

Childs mum has

A wage
Tax credits
Child benefit
Presumably a reduction in council tax
Maintenance from op

Op has

Wage - maintenance

No Extra benefits and has his child 2-3 nights a week.

In what world is that unfair to the mother?

I don't think people realise that as well as paying maintenance you have to feed clothe house and spend money on your child when you have them 2-3 nights a week, oh and you get none of the benefits that the RP gets even though you care for the child 30 odd percent of the time.

Where do you think all this money comes from?

£250 per month is absolutely fuck all for a child

Like the OP doesn't also have to run a household which accommodates his child, heat it, furnish it, feed and clothe the child. And he's renting, so his housing costs will be much more than his ex is paying.

£250 on top of all that, when his ex claims the child benefit, is plenty.

Put much better by milkyface.

On what you've described I don't think yabu OP. I get the feeling a lot of the other posters either haven't read your responses or are being deliberately obtuse because they have their own agenda to grind.

£250 a month is a fair amount considering the time you spend with your child, perhaps talk to DC to see what they actually want to do for their lunch.

Tricky. Court has decided £198 - £255.
£250 for a child is not a lot. Mind you, its a lot more than some dads pay, I suspect. Also depends on your salary. If you earn £26k take home is approx. £1703. so £250 is not that much.

Sorry IKEA, I wasn't ignoring your question about expenses, I don't see it as it went up while I was typing. Heat etc is allmpaid for by me at my house. I take D.C. For haircuts, last clothes were bought by me when I took son to a rugby match....mum had also bought clothes. If D.C. Is with me and needs something he will get it, even things like the FIFA 17 that he was asking for for a long time before it was released.

I provide for MY SON both when he is with me and when he is with his mother.

A quick question, given at most my D.C. Stays with his mum 5 days more than he stays with me do you think £50 for each of these days is enough or should I just donate all of my wages?

£250 of £1700 after rent, council tax, utilities, food, all costs of having child in his care 2-3 nights of 7 probably isn't going to leave much spare.

stampqueen your sentence there could just as easily be applied to the mother!

OP given how often you have your child YANBU.

I think you're being badly done to here op but I'm struggling to get my head round why you would pay maintenance if it really is normally 3 nights per week as opposed to 2.

Regarding your original post- a 50/50 seems fair regardless of how often he stays with you/his Mum.

I work a four on four off 12 hr shift pattern - 2 twelve hour days then 2 12 hr nights followed by four days off. On my days off I have my son, but they aren't classed as full days as they are not overnight.

On my first day off I need to sleep, (usually until about 2/3pm (coming off nights) and on my last day I leave him with mum around tea time. This gives them some time together and I can't leave him off on the way to work on last morn as I start at 7am - not fair to drag D.C. Out of bed at 5:45am.

What does your dc want to do? School dinner or packed lunch? If it's school dinners you should both pay half each

Mymouthgetsmeintroubke I disagree, I pay for my son, I pay in the house I rent, I pay in the equity tied up in my wife's house, I buy my son the stuff that he needs when with me and I pay my wife £250 a month, more than the government say I require to, and the question asked was not to spite or cause annoyance to my wife....I could easily have said I was paying the minimum each month and taken my son two days per week plus a holiday to make the payments as low as possible, but generally wife is getting paid a 4 days extra a month because we have calculated it as me having D.C. Two days a week instead of three (it would be rare I would have D.C. Less than three days). So it's. it a case of not paying, or paying the bear minimum.

It's amazing how a parent can go from imagine they would do anything for their child to bitching about paying for school lunches.

Pay up , OP, and if you have any regard for your child, do it with some grace.