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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Babies first Xmas

53 replies

DashofGlitter · 12/10/2016 10:28

AIBU - to give everyone a list for presents for baby.

It's babies first Xmas and he will only be 20weeks and we've been pretty organised to get all the things he needs so far and we've got loads of clothes and more cuddly toys than toys r us! I would rather have things he's going to be using over the next year or so but don't want to be doubling up on stuff we already have. I don't want people to think I'm being rude but there are certain things me and his daddy want to buy for him if that makes sense ?

OP posts:

Starryeyed16 · 12/10/2016 10:31

Your being rude the whole point in Christmas is you choose what you buy not to be told what to buy. People also have budgets. You don't have a gift list and tell people what to buy. If people ask you that's totally different.

LetMeHaveABloodyName · 12/10/2016 10:33

We did an Amazon gift lift for my babies first birthday BUT I only gave the link to those that asked. I would never have just said 'you must get something from this list'. If people ask you, then yes give them the list but if not suck it up.

MrsRonBurgundy · 12/10/2016 10:33

People will think you're being rude, because it is rude. If people ask you for hints on what to buy for him that's fine but please do not issue a gift list. I can't believe you're considering it to be honest!

ateapotandacake · 12/10/2016 10:34

Good luck with that. We tried to stop people buying him a load of useless crap with inappropriate age ranges as that's my IL's present genre. They said no problem: and bought him a load of inappropriate crap. He was 12 weeks and got a train set that says 3 years+ (and contains numerous small chewable bits), a really annoying noisy bath thing for two year olds and a load of other stuff including 5 really cheap stuffed animals.
People will but what they want to buy. My mum was better: she said she wanted to get him something useful so asked what he needed!

mouldycheesefan · 12/10/2016 10:34

Rude. Don't do it. Grabby and vulgar.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 12/10/2016 10:34

I would think you were really rude.

If someone asks if you would like something specific then it's fine to ask, otherwise it really isn't ok to hand out lists.

rosesandcashmere · 12/10/2016 10:37

I can see your logic but it is very vulgar and looks extremely grabby. What if the contents of your list are not in line with their budget? You should accept gifts with good grace.

FlameGrower · 12/10/2016 10:40

YWBVU to do this.

Let people buy the baby what they like. Is doubling up really the end of the world? Being given a list of acceptable gifts would really kill the Crimbo spirit.

mygorgeousmilo · 12/10/2016 10:41

I think it's rude.... but I do have my own Amazon private(but potentially shareable) gift list for my kids, as in, when I see something they'd love I stick it in there so I remember and it's all in one place. You could do that and if anyone asks you can share your Amazon list with them and just suggest to choose from that. I'd never suggest it though and yes, we've had lots of presents that aren't age appropriate or not great for whatever reason - you have to just suck it up and move on from it, you can't dictate what people choose to buy. You're lucky to be in such a dilemma, we have very few extra present givers in our family.

StrawberryQuik · 12/10/2016 10:41

I think unless people ask for suggestions you just have to accept whatever they give with good grace.

(And if you really hate it/it's totally unsuitable sell it on eBay/give to charity shop after taking a pic of the baby playing with it)

PeachBellini123 · 12/10/2016 10:43

I do see where you're coming from: our baby's due in just over two months. We live in a small flat and I'm dreading it being filled with random toys etc. But you unless people are you what you want/need I think it would be incredibly rude to start dictating what can/can't be given.

I plan on smiling sweetly and saying thank you then donating anything we don't need to children that are less fortunate! If we can get away with it..

honkinghaddock · 12/10/2016 10:47

Yabu. It's fine to suggest if people ask but a gift list is rude.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/10/2016 10:48

People will think you're being rude, because it is rude.

^ this.

Very rude and grabby

ThatGingerOne · 12/10/2016 10:51

You could do what I do when I don't want to get crap for birthdays/christmas (my family has a problem with getting the same thing for you every year that is cheap or tacky - I've had mugs from one aunt for 5 years running. I'm in a student flat I don't need more mugs! Haha! ). I just tell my mum to tell people what I want when they inevitably ask her.

Of course you should appreciate the thought as I do but I know my family will ask my mother what I would want and I just get her to tell them to just give me cash in a card. They actually prefer this as its a little easier and as a starving student it goes further for me to get a fiver than something I have to cram in a tiny student flat!

If you know they will ask your mother (or someone else) just tell her to tell them that you'd probably prefer money to go into a savings account for your child perhaps? Make it out like you're trying to make it easier for them. Not yourself.
I know people who've said that before and it tends to be the norm in my family now that when a baby is born the kids are the only ones who get a present in that family group and if they're tiny usually they get money to go into the account. Or if its the grandparents of the baby they just ask what is the best thing to buy, although I guess its easier to tell them the truth!

Lazyafternoon · 12/10/2016 10:51

Depends on who you plan on giving the list to? Close family ok. All friends and relatives.... probably not.

In my family we have always done birthday/Christmas lists. It used to be sitting there for hours with the argos catalogue picking out what we wanted, now it's amazon wish lists. We just add bits and bobs on when we think of them. Always loads more than actually expect on the list so still a surprise what going to get. It's more - 'anything on here would be lovely' rather than buy me all this stuff please. Also very conscious that this is stuff in the £5 - £30 price bracket as that's normally what we spend on each other. To have something for £100 on the list would look really grabby unless had asked all my siblings to club together or something. We expect each other to do lists and find it really annoying if they've not got one as then it's the feeling of spending money on something they might not even want.

Whereas DH family think we're weird for always having a gift list going. They buy each other random stuff. It is quite fun as lots of joke presents, but also I see it as a big waste that I'm often given stuff I've got no use for and end up throwing away or giving to charity.

So yeah make lots of sense, I would (and did to my family), but depends on your audience. You know how they'll take it better than we would!

MyBreadIsEggy · 12/10/2016 10:53

YABU - as others have said, it strikes me as grabby
If someone asks you if there's anything baby needs or something you want for him, then that's different. But actually dictating to people what they should get is rude. My sister asked me the other day if there's anything my Dd needs i.e. Clothes/new shoes etc, and what kind of toys she seems into at the moment, so I gave a few examples of toys/characters she likes and I'm guessing my sister will choose something for her from within those "guidelines" - same with my Dnephew. She has told me the "big present" her and her DP are getting for Dnephew, and I said I would get the accessories for it. That's very different to being given a list of things and feeling like you have to get something from that list. I hate wedding gift lists for that same reason too!

swimmerforlife · 12/10/2016 10:54

I'm not normally one to throw the grabby line out there but it will look like it, even if you have good intentions. I personally wouldn't be that bothered (more annoying that anything else) but a lot of people will find it offensive / rude.

If people ask, then fine but otherwise no.

Doubling up is a pain but there is always charity shops etc.

And above all else, it ruins the joy that is Christmas.

grannytomine · 12/10/2016 11:00

I feel your pain. My MIL used to arrive with an overflowing black bin bag for each child. I have 4 and the amount of crap was breathtaking. I give my sons £500 each and tell them to buy their kids (they have 2 each) what they want/need or put it in savings or pay for a school holiday. Then on birthdays and Christmas I give them something little that I know they will like e.g. some packs of football cards or a DVD.

My MIL is long dead but the feeling of dread seeing her getting out of a car with 4 huge bags of stuff lives on.

RabbitsNap01 · 12/10/2016 11:02

for the GP, they usually ask and I'll mention specific gifts but providing someone with an online gift list for 'baby's first christmas' is OTT and grabby. These are key relationships for your baby, don't alienate everyone, they'll think they're going to get bombarded with wishlists for every special occasion.

FlameGrower · 12/10/2016 11:03

You're a very generous granny grannytomine.

madein1995 · 12/10/2016 11:03

I don't think it's rude as such - most people buy for baby and in my experience they ask the parents what they should get, surely that's only common sense? Id leave it until people ask what to get though.

FlameGrower · 12/10/2016 11:04

That's the difference made. If someone specifically asks if there's anything the baby needs of course it's fine to give them a few ideas. But issuing a list to everyone whether they ask or not? Very strange behaviour.

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom · 12/10/2016 11:05

I disagree completely that it is definitely rude and grabby. I completely and utterly depends on how your family normally do things and how you phrase it when you share a list.

If your family normally share wish lists at Christmas and birthdays then it will be fine for you to share one for the baby. Even if they don't normally but people usually ask or are already asking what you'd like for the baby, then again totally fine to send an email with a link to an amazon list or similar.

You just says "Lots of you have very kindly asked what baby would like for Christmas so I've put together a list of suggestions". As a pp said, you make sure the list includes presents at a range of prices (again this is totally dependent on what's normal in your family) and you make it clear you have no expectation of receiving everything on the list.

What I wouldn't do is just send round a list without anyone having asked for it first!

I would much prefer to have a list shared with me if I ask so I know that I'll be giving something that's needed or wanted rather than wasting my money.

StarlingMurmuration · 12/10/2016 11:05

Have a list by all means, but only give it out if people ask. When people have asked me for DS (23 months), I say, "He's really into cars and trains and any kind of vehicles, we're getting him a wooden train set so you could get some track/accessories, or he likes stuffed toys and play food... We do have an Amazon wishlist if you want me to send it?"

Then people have a really wide range of things (with a wide price range) to choose from but chances are he won't get something inappropriate.

DinosaursRoar · 12/10/2016 11:07

Agree - rude! If asked, have a list of suggestions, but otherwise, smile, say thank you and then return for bigger clothes sizes or older toys.

You need to acknowledge as well that for many people, they actually like going to pick something for a child, not just be told what to get.

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