To not pick dp up from work?

[PrunesforElla]

I am the only driver in our family and I'm a sahm to a toddler and teen stepchildren. My partner works full time but over 3 or 4 days a week, so long shifts.

She often hints to me for lifts home when no colleagues who live nearby can offer her a lift. She finishes work at 7.30pm, when I want to be getting into the bedtime routine for the toddler. Picking her up would obviously mean taking the toddler out too, either getting ready for bed first or pushing bedtime back until we return. I'm not keen to do this as it's roughly a 25 min round trip for me.

Partner can get a bus right outside the workplace, 10 mins after shift ends, a 15 min journey and then a 5 min walk home.

I used to sometimes do this pick up before we had the toddler as a 25 min journey isn't that big a deal. But now, the timing is really awkward so I try to refuse. I feel mean not doing it but do tell myself that a 15 min bus ride and 5 min walk is not that big a deal and many adults commute more, and more often than 3-4x per week.

DP never actually moans at me for not doing it but often moans about it taking 'ages' to get home and being shattered and sometimes phones up and puts on a 'poor me' voice about how long it's going to take to get home and how nice it would be to get home to see the toddler before bedtime.

Am I being a cow for not doing it? It tends to be approximately 2-3 times a week, depending on her other lift options.

You could do a pick up once a week, twice when she works three days - compromise?

More trouble for you to do it, than for her when you DON'T do it. So don't do it routinely would be my advice.

That isn't much of a commute. Presume you are cooking dinner for her too? She should get herself home.

I wouldn't pick her up. Id consider it easier to get the bus home than to take the toddler out in the car etc. What a mess around. If there were no buses and she had to get a taxi or walk a long way late at night or whatever then I wouldn't mind so much

No fucking way, tbh. It's not worth it for a ratty overtired toddler being dragged out in the car.

She's an adult - she has to suck up the bus journey.

How old are the teenagers? If older teens can't they babysit for a bit?

That's hardly an onerous journey home, and obviously its at a very inconvenient time fir the family.

I'm all for helping each other out but it would be a 'no' from me and a because it's blindingly obvious why!

Do it if you can but I wouldn't stress over it. If it's not working with a tired kid then say so.

I pick my OH up at 10pm when they're working late shift. It's a hassle but I'd rather do it than have them get the bus so late on. We don't live in a great area though.

Just don't do it. If she is a fit and healthy adult she is BU.
Why inconvenience you and the toddler when it doesn't take long for her to get home?
You are not mean to refuse.

15 minutes on the bus is nothing! YANBU.

I used to be a non driver and had a two hour commute. I never expected my DH to pick me up, although he did from time to time and when it was raining, but I had a train and a bus so he'd pick me up from the train station.
I learnt to drive instead.
I did moan, because it was an annoying commute, but without agenda.
YANBU, especially with a toddler.

Ha! Tell her to get the fecking bus! I thought you were going to say she was in a one off pickle! That's not even a commute in my book hth

So you should go out for 25 mins at an awkward time so that her journey home will take 12.5 minutes instead of 20ish? YANBU.

We moved to commuterish land (zone 2) when the dcs were old enough to be left- I enjoy collecting DP. Can you offer when the sdcs are around?

No no no. The needs of a toddler come before the needs of an adult! I've been stranded / significantly delayed before when my commute didn't go to plan and I would never dream of asking DH to drag DD out to pick me up when it's past her bedtime.

Thanks for the replies. Only one of the teens could maybe babysit but they work some evenings and are out with friends sometimes too. The other would be terrified of being left alone, she's just a touch too young to feel confident with her.

I didn't think I was being too unreasonable. I did do the lifts before the baby came along and didn't mind.

Sparkletastic yes I do have dinner ready, that's a good point.

MillionToOne that's a good way to sum it up actually, it's costing me 25 mins to save her less than 10.

Tbh, it's years since I got busses home but 15 mins to sit and do nothing or play on my phone sounds bliss, plus the walk from the bus stop is in very safe, well lit, streets so no worries there.

Speaking as the WOHP and someone who was until a couple of years a non-driver, she is being pathetic. Let her get on with her not-actually-demanding commute and get the toddler into bed.

Keep it as a treat for really horrible weather. Fifteen minutes in driving rain/hail/sleet feels like hours, and it takes forever to get warm and dry again.

If she's that bothered she could consider cycling.

Yanbu at all!

Dh didn't learn to drive until we were left together for over 10 years, with me driving since before we met. Never ever did he expect or try and guilt me into giving g him lifts anywhere.

When it was practical and possible for me too I would offer and usually he would decline.

She has an easy commute. Just level her to it.

I'd do it but we often do things to make life easier for the other.

Given the only reason you don't have to work is because your partner does fetching them is not too much to ask really.

No chance. Getting the toddler to bed is more important.

Partner can get a bus right outside the workplace, 10 mins after shift ends, a 15 min journey and then a 5 min walk home.

This is the same as about the final quarter of my commute (after I've got a tube then a train), which I do three days a week (work from home the other two). My husband is mostly already home when I get to this stage of my journey; I don't think it's occurred to either of us as even a possibility that he should/would pick me up in the normal course of things. I think he has done so as a kind gesture about three times in the last year when I've either had an unusually crap commute (very severely delayed trains - as in, had been stuck on it for more than three hours) or, once, when I felt like I was going to faint so texted him from the train. I think it would be total madness for you to do this on anything like a regular basis.

It's half an hour from leaving work to getting home. Tell her to stop being so selfish and to get herself home. The moaning would piss me off. It's pathetic.