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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH and his friend are out of their tiny minds?

116 replies

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 11/10/2016 09:34

DH has a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. They try and visit each other a few times a year. Friend is also married and has two DCs - a four year old and an 18 month old.

Last week, we discovered a major leak in the bathroom that has put both it and our kitchen out of action. There is concrete dust and industrial dehumidifiers everywhere; it is possible to take a shower and use the loo, but you have to step over a dehumidifier and a hole in the floor first. The living room is full of white goods while the kitchen dries out, and DH, DD and I can just about manage to squeeze in there for our meals (not easily). DD's homework is having to be done at the local library as there is really no room anywhere else in the house. The insurers have advised that the dehumidifiers need to be in place for another week before we can start doing any work on repairs.

Some time ago, DH arranged for friend and his family to stay at the weekend - before the leak. Apparently friend and his family are still coming - DH has told friend about the house situation and apparently 'they're fine with it'; DH reckons the four of them can fit in the spare room (which has our kitchen cupboards in it at the moment so the door doesn't shut), and there's no need to worry about a very mobile 18 month old as 'he's sure that everything will be fine'.

It seems inhospitable to insist they stay in a hotel, but I really can't share DH's (or friend's) optimism - and if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be hotfooting it to a Travelodge faster than a speeding bullet rather than keeping an eye on an active toddler in a building site.

AIBU to think they're both insane?

OP posts:
roundandroundthehouses · 11/10/2016 15:14

It would be a bloody nightmare. YADNBU and if your dh won't get in touch with them, then you need to get on the phone and explain why they can't stay in your house. Young children in an unfamiliar house need watching at the best of times, without adding outright hazards into the mix. But even if your dh's friends are prepared to rough it, and keep a constant eye on their dcs, it would still be too much stress for you, and you have quite enough to deal with already.

Christ, we had children that age visiting us for an hour last night, when the contents of our teen dd's bedroom is all in the living room as we're decorating. That was our only issue - the rest of the house is perfectly normal - and even that was pretty awkward.

ScaredFuture99 · 11/10/2016 15:18

Blue is your case tough, the friends DID know exactely in what state was the house. So they didn't come with said children.

In the OP's case, it sounds like the friends have no real idea of what they are coming into.

Of course, it is totally possible for the OP let her DH do whatever he likes AS LONG AS he is also the one to deal with the consequences when the friends are there, aka ensure the house is a safe as possible, do whatever is possible so that the bedroom door closes etc... Then organise the cooking/food incl for breakfast and so on.
I suspect that this would not happen though.
This would go also against my natural tendencies to want to have my guests feel confortable, to ensure that the children are safe and be a 'good host' in general. Which is hard work for me.

I agree with you in some ways. I found it is actually easier and calmer not to step in and let DH do whatever he wants. But I also leave him deal with all the issues coming with it. I refuse to then be the one who steps in, takes responsibility when things go per shape (as they will do in this case).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2016 15:23

oh God, do please take pictures and text them to the wife!
They are utterly insane, probably similar to my DH who would also think "tchah, just a little hole, we manage fine, they'll be fine" without thinking of the further ramifications for the visiting family!!

Absolutely go behind his back if you have to, but I'd tell him when I'd done it, if not before - if I was the visiting wife, I'd go ballistic to find that sort of scenario with an 18mo child! (And actually, my 4yo would be a bit of a risk too, being the inquisitive little Destructor type that he is - if the friends' 4yo is similar, then I wouldn't WANT them there just in case!)

No no, I couldn't let them come, if anything were to happen, I'd feel guilty as hell over it. Please please contact the wife directly.

eggsandwich · 11/10/2016 15:41

Tell him from me he is bloody mad!!
As someone who has gone through the same thing but on a larger scale i.e
17 dehumidifier's and heaters constantly on 24 hours a day for 6 weeks the noise and dust is horrendous. I was looking after my nephew who was only 9 months old at the time and it was partly for this reason they moved us into a rental property for four months as the insurance company were worried about the amount of dust in the air and the affect it would have on a young child.

LizB62A · 11/10/2016 15:43

Please take pictures and post them here :-)

Amethyst81 · 11/10/2016 16:22

YANBU and I think they are odd for still wanting to come anyway! Who on earth would want to stay with people and put them out like this? It won't be comfortable for them. The men clearly haven't got a clue so speak to his wife, maybe she's got a bit more sense.

Hoppinggreen · 11/10/2016 16:35

God no
We were due to be staying with friends ( friend of DH really) and the wife texted me to say that they were having building work and did we want to reschedule?
DH had arranged it so I ( stupidly?) spoke to DH who said he would check with the husband. So apparently it was all fine
When we turned up I felt terrible - there were building materials everywhere and instead of a kitchen there was a small cupboard with only the top of the fridge as a worktop - it was bloody obvious that we were very much an inconvenience even though the wife was trying to be very polite about it and wouldn't hear of us checking into a hotel.

Rachel0Greep · 11/10/2016 16:47

I would be tempted to decamp for the weekend and let DH deal with the visitors. Make sure that they are clear that the house is not in good shape just now, especially for small children, and if they still want to come, leave them to it.

ThreeBecomeFour · 12/10/2016 17:56

You poor things. We've recently lived in a building site and I can imagine your situation is currently awful and very stressful. I admit I laughed when I read your DH wanted the visit at yours to go ahead. I think sending pics and explaining it's just not feasible is fair enough. I'm sure they'd understand how stressful it would be.

Tapandgo · 12/10/2016 18:09

Nuts (them - not you).
You should all book into Travelodge and have a break.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2016 18:23

My DH and his best friend are a bit like this. They make these harebrained 'plans' and think we (the wives, also best friends) will be 'fine with it'. Plans involving cramped accommodations or tents, lack of kitchen facilities, tickets for them to events whilst we 'hang out' somewhere, etc. Or a weekend away without us (which is fine) starts getting planned before one of us knows the dates involved. She and I have developed a system of checking with each other as soon as one of us gets a sniff of what they're planning.

You need to be sure that the other wife knows exactly what a disaster zone your house is, that your father is very ill, AND that you'd really prefer the visit be postponed. She should certainly understand and sympathize.

ViolettaValery · 12/10/2016 18:55

Cancel the cheque visit. This is so bonkers. Even them staying in a Travelodge is a bit bonkers, what are you going to do, head over there of an evening and all sit on the comfy bed together playing with the tiny kettle?

GoBigOrange · 12/10/2016 19:05

YANBU. Both completely barking.

As many other posters have said, taking photographs of the disaster zone, describing the issues in full and sending to the wife so she knows exactly how bad it is is the best course of action. And then if she has a lick of sense she will be horrified and will put her foot down with her DH and tell him it is madness to go.

And if it turns out you are the only sane one in the bunch I'd be camping out at the hospital with your dad and leaving the dafties to it Flowers

Daydream007 · 12/10/2016 19:45

They are bloody nuts. YANBU

timefortea33 · 12/10/2016 19:48

You could send pics to illustrate the issue, but i don't think u should leave it to them to decide - if u don't want the hassle, or the responsibility of their toddler in a house of hazards, just tell them they can:

a) Re-arrange once the house is straight again
b) Stick with dates and you can all go stay somewhere (e.g. cheap self catering place for a weekend, should be a good time of year for bargains?).

It's not mean, or rude - if they're true friends they won't want you to be stressed or unhappy that they're coming.

Sara107 · 12/10/2016 20:21

I would be totally stressed if this was happening to me! You can't possibly have visitors, and when they actually see how bad it is I would imagine they will be mortified for landing in and adding to the stress. Just say no, and suggest somewhere local they could stay. What is your dh thinking? Does he get involved with the mechanics of having visitors (making up the beds, preparing food etc) or is that all down to you? Maybe it simply hasn't occurred to him that meals will have to be sorted out in the defunct kitchen? If he won't see reason and rearrange with his friends I would be strongly tempted to take myself and dD off to the nearest b+b for the weekend and leave dh to manage his guests in the wreckage himself.

LeftRightUpDown · 12/10/2016 20:30

a hole in the floor first

O.M.G .....you have a hole in the floor and they are bringing young children...

I really think you need to tell the wife about the situation.

GabsAlot · 12/10/2016 20:49

what has happened since?

not quite the same but my dh invites his df down without telling me when i ask for how long says he doesnt know

i suffer from anxiety and puts me right on edge

Memoires · 12/10/2016 21:23

Send them pics, and then phone - with luck the wife will pick up and you can tell her exactly what state it is.

38cody · 12/10/2016 22:06

You and DD go to a nice hotel until they've gone home😄

AlpacaLypse · 12/10/2016 22:13

I don't want to come over all superior female patting the dear little chaps on the head and humouring them, but this is one where I'd definitely get hold of Mrs BF and filling her in properly. At which point she will almost certainly join in with a concerted effort to sort this out. Local AirBNB type thing is probably the best way ahead.

ursusnix · 12/10/2016 23:42

With my man hat on, I'd borrow a tent, stick it in the garden for DH, BF, and all the kids, letting you and BFP to enjoy some space with a little peace and quiet.

U.

Original poster
permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 13/10/2016 15:40

Well, sent wife the pictures, and apparently everyone still thinks its "cool!" to stay - because they'll probably all go out for dinner anyway and they can bring extra stairgates for the 18 month old (I had thought better of her TBH, though I think they prefer the idea of staying in a house rather than in a Travelodge family room). DH's solution to the breakfast problem is that everyone can be fed in shifts : we can move the TV to the spare room so that the kids can be occupied watching TV while the adults eat (eat what?? where?? with what???).
Yeah, that'll work!

If it wasn't for the event and the fact this had been planned for ages I'd insist on rescheduling - as things stand I think I've said my piece and can leave them to it. I did tell DH he is now responsible for absolutely everything - even silly things like their 4yo not being dry at night gets awkward when we don't have a washing machine in the house (or we do, but it's in the spare room at the moment and not plumbed in)

I really like the tent idea ursus, and I suspect the hospital will be so short-staffed that they'll need me to stay with DF for the entire weekend just to be on the safe side. Grin

OP posts:
TesticleMeElmo · 13/10/2016 15:54

Bloody hell, we had similar a few years ago after a leak in the bathroom and we had the dehumidifiers in every room (we both worked nights at the time so when the pipe sprang a leak at 11pm the only person home was the dog and she was no use on the phone). The noise, the smell, the dust and the heat (38 degrees on our landing), not being able to open a window for some fresh air.... it was a nightmare. I'd have cleared off days ago. I'd definitely suggest a Travelodge or something, and I'd book all of us in as well I think! Hope you have a good weekend anyway, however it turns out for you all.

GabsAlot · 13/10/2016 16:01

is sh mad? toddlers running arun a building site whee is she putting a stairgate?

just book them a travelodge and say youre worried about hurting the kids with all the stuff