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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH and his friend are out of their tiny minds?

116 replies

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 11/10/2016 09:34

DH has a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. They try and visit each other a few times a year. Friend is also married and has two DCs - a four year old and an 18 month old.

Last week, we discovered a major leak in the bathroom that has put both it and our kitchen out of action. There is concrete dust and industrial dehumidifiers everywhere; it is possible to take a shower and use the loo, but you have to step over a dehumidifier and a hole in the floor first. The living room is full of white goods while the kitchen dries out, and DH, DD and I can just about manage to squeeze in there for our meals (not easily). DD's homework is having to be done at the local library as there is really no room anywhere else in the house. The insurers have advised that the dehumidifiers need to be in place for another week before we can start doing any work on repairs.

Some time ago, DH arranged for friend and his family to stay at the weekend - before the leak. Apparently friend and his family are still coming - DH has told friend about the house situation and apparently 'they're fine with it'; DH reckons the four of them can fit in the spare room (which has our kitchen cupboards in it at the moment so the door doesn't shut), and there's no need to worry about a very mobile 18 month old as 'he's sure that everything will be fine'.

It seems inhospitable to insist they stay in a hotel, but I really can't share DH's (or friend's) optimism - and if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be hotfooting it to a Travelodge faster than a speeding bullet rather than keeping an eye on an active toddler in a building site.

AIBU to think they're both insane?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/10/2016 11:53

Yep, v. silly. Just contact them! 'Sorry, but it's actually dangerous for a toddler. There's dust everywhere and holes in the floor. I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel.'

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 11:56

I don't get why the OP's desire to cancel should overpower her husband's wish to continue? They are both adults, they are both equals.

I think its important to make sure that his wife knows the true state of the place, but providing that the OP's husband isn't expecting her to do any hosting duties, then Idon't see why the casting vote should come down to her, if everyone else is happy with the situation.

I'd never dream of dictating any decision to my husband, or vice versa. If we disagree, then obviously we try to come up with a compromise, but ultimatlley, we are both adults, and if wants to do something, he does, and vice versa.

JinkxMonsoon · 11/10/2016 11:57

No.
No.
No.

They can't come. It's impossible.

IminaPickle · 11/10/2016 11:58

Can you and/or DD decamp to your Dad's house?
Loads of assumptions there, but you just need to absent yourself from the situation. You really don't need the stress.

SapphireStrange · 11/10/2016 11:58

providing that the OP's husband isn't expecting her to do any hosting duties, then Idon't see why the casting vote should come down to her, if everyone else is happy with the situation.

Well, we don't know that he ISN'T expecting her to host. I suspect he is; or is at least assuming that she and his friend's wife will do all the child-herding while they enjoy their weekend.

And we don't know if everyone else is happy with the situation. Again, it may be the case that the friend's wife has had the state of the house underplayed to her and is expecting it just to be a bit messy.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 11/10/2016 12:01

What!

No way. They either don't come (and are told this, not a 'oh do you mind staying in the mess') or stay in a travelodge, paid for themselves. You shouldn't have to pay and something has cropped up that has meant the plans have to change. That's life and anyone would understand.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2016 12:02

'I don't get why the OP's desire to cancel should overpower her husband's wish to continue? '

Because the place is bloody dangerous for a toddler. There's holes in the floor, heavy equipment and dust everywhere.

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 12:12

Expat, thats for the visiting family to decide surely. I don't think its a great idea, but thats their call.

Sapphire - there is NO information on hosting duties, so I have no idea what would give you reason to suspect anything. Assuming that the women will do the child herding is extremely sexist.

JinkxMonsoon · 11/10/2016 12:20

It's not the visiting family's call at all.

Surely it's bad enough to live on a building site as it is, without the stresses of hosting and having to subject your visitors to the building site also?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 11/10/2016 12:22

Bluesky It's not my field, but if the friends' dc injure themselves in the OP's house, might there perhaps be come liability on the OP's part?

There certainly is liability when an adult injures themselves on your property due to its condition - I think it's called premises liability.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 11/10/2016 12:23

Occupiers liability in the UK in fact.

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 12:29

eatsleep, its called occupiers liability.

I just find it rather uncomfortable the notion that anyone's view should trump the others. I agree with the OP that its not an ideal situation, its just where we go from here, where both people have completely different views.

Are they being insane - probably yes, does that mean the OP can refuse for them to come - that makes me feel very uncomfortable, as does the assumption that she will be running round child herding. It isn't the 1950's.

BurningBridges · 11/10/2016 12:29

Blue there isn't enough room for all those people to sit down or sleep or eat, in fact I'm not sure from the description there is even room for them all to stand up! Are you saying that the visiting family can decide whether they come and make the OP's situation even worse?!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/10/2016 12:30

Ermmm fuck no. I wouldnt want kids in the house if they didnt have to be. You need to tell your DH, they cant stay as it isnt safe. The parents would probably blame you if the toddler or 4 yr old got hurt.

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 12:31

^ slightly crossed post there.

BurningBridges · 11/10/2016 12:32

I just find it rather uncomfortable the notion that anyone's view should trump the others - wtaf? So no one's views should take precedent, no one should choose, everyone must have what they want regardless of the consequences? Do you apply that to every situation? (Even having dinner must be a very long series of negotiations in your house!)

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 12:34

Burning, I'm saying that its something that has to be decided between the OP and her husband, neither one should decide unilaterally.

I bet there'd be a huge amount of criticism on here, if a man cancelled his wife's friends coming to stay, because he didn't think it was sensible.

The fact is, it probably isn't sensible, but where there is a difference in opinion on that, it needs to be discussed, to see if parties can come to a common position or compromise, not one person deciding for both to cancel something.

OutDamnedWind · 11/10/2016 12:37

I just find it rather uncomfortable the notion that anyone's view should trump the others

But the DP's view is trumping the OP's?

And actually I disagree. I would expect me and my DP to each have veto rights about people staying in our house. It's our home, both of us, neither of us should be put in an uncomfortable position.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/10/2016 12:40

Its not about trumping views. Op's home is only just habitable for them, nevermind another 4 people, 2 of whom are children.

It seems like DH and his friend have bypass their, "Is this a good idea" chip.

GeorgiePeachie · 11/10/2016 12:42

They're take one look and go to the hotel. Keep offering the out so they don't feel rude.

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 12:46

I just find it rather uncomfortable the notion that anyone's view should trump the others - wtaf? So no one's views should take precedent, no one should choose, everyone must have what they want regardless of the consequences? Do you apply that to every situation? (Even having dinner must be a very long series of negotiations in your house!)

No, its actually very peaceful and happy. We've lived together about 7 years, and neither of us have ever said 'no' to eachother.

If I don't want him to do something, I will say, and then its upto him if he does or not. Usually we just reach some form of compromise. It sounds like its effort, but I want to make him happy, he wants to make me happy, so actually, neither of us want to push things and be unreasonable, and its then very easy. If one of us was acting selfishly repeatedly, then I think it would cause difficulties.

With this situation, it reminds me when we had our bathroom done. He'd invited over friends with two youngish children for the day. It was going to get in the way of actually doing the DIY, and there would be no running water, or toilet in the house. The whole house was a building site. I thought it was a bit silly, but as long as they knew there was no loo, he'd invited them and I wasn't going to get in the way of that. Anyway, its nice to see friends. As it was, because of the work, they came, but didn't bring the kids, and they mucked in to do the work.

Did I think it was silly to have a 3 year old and a 5 year old in a house with no water or toilet - absolutely, was I going to stop him - nope. He's my equal. I don't stop him.

MissBattleaxe · 11/10/2016 12:56

This is not about a man and wife power struggle, this is about safety.

The house is barely usable for three and there is clearly nowhere to eat otherwise the DD wouldn't be doing the homework in the library. The DH thinks it's a good idea for seven people in total to live in such a house for several days.

It's a stupid idea and they can either get a Travelodge or rearrange. If they are good friends, they're not going to end a friendship over a small bump in the road like this. Life happens. The OP absolutely has every right to veto. It's dangerous and inconvenient and can be done another time,

Missushb · 11/10/2016 15:03

I think common sense should 'trump!' Honestly, everything gets blown out of proportion on here! of course its not safe, the OP is correct. think its been wildly derailed by 'equality' nonsense!

merrymouse · 11/10/2016 15:09

Burning, I'm saying that its something that has to be decided between the OP and her husband, neither one should decide unilaterally.

It is dangerous for this family to visit.
If somebody is being a fuckwit about safety they should most certainly be over ruled.

merrymouse · 11/10/2016 15:11

Expat, thats for the visiting family to decide surely. I don't think its a great idea, but thats their call.

No, it isn't their call.

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