to think DH and his friend are out of their tiny minds?

[permanentlyexhaustedpigeon]

DH has a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. They try and visit each other a few times a year. Friend is also married and has two DCs - a four year old and an 18 month old.

Last week, we discovered a major leak in the bathroom that has put both it and our kitchen out of action. There is concrete dust and industrial dehumidifiers everywhere; it is possible to take a shower and use the loo, but you have to step over a dehumidifier and a hole in the floor first. The living room is full of white goods while the kitchen dries out, and DH, DD and I can just about manage to squeeze in there for our meals (not easily). DD's homework is having to be done at the local library as there is really no room anywhere else in the house. The insurers have advised that the dehumidifiers need to be in place for another week before we can start doing any work on repairs.

Some time ago, DH arranged for friend and his family to stay at the weekend - before the leak. Apparently friend and his family are still coming - DH has told friend about the house situation and apparently 'they're fine with it'; DH reckons the four of them can fit in the spare room (which has our kitchen cupboards in it at the moment so the door doesn't shut), and there's no need to worry about a very mobile 18 month old as 'he's sure that everything will be fine'.

It seems inhospitable to insist they stay in a hotel, but I really can't share DH's (or friend's) optimism - and if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be hotfooting it to a Travelodge faster than a speeding bullet rather than keeping an eye on an active toddler in a building site.

AIBU to think they're both insane?

If this were me and DP and a couple of childless friends it'd be OK; we'd treat it as an adventure and a laugh. But with small children involved it's just nuts.

Is he 'sure that everything will be fine' because he's assuming that you'll do all the work of keeping you and your kids safe and sane, and his friend's wife will be doing the equivalent work with her toddler?

God no YANBU.

Is there any chance you could all go to their place instead? That way nobody has to shell out for a hotel and you all get to see each other - and you get a break from the mess.

Could you suggest hiring a cotttage for both families for the weekend or something like that?

There's a slight complication (or two) in that my father is very ill in hospital - so I can't go too far in case I'm needed - and that both families had booked to go to an event near us some time ago, so going to theirs wouldn't really be an option. (I won't be going as I'll be at the hospital)

I might well send photos though - I have a nagging feeling that friend's wife doesn't know the extent of the damage (which might have been translated from 'the kitchen and the bathroom are a bit of a state - though everything works fine' (DH) to 'the shower drips a bit and they're redecorating' (his friend)). Maybe I should surprise them with a paid-for hotel room? (not that I have lots of spare money but I'm desperate!)

Your DH's friend might be happy with it - I bet his wife isn't and has been told that you are, so feels she can't say anything.

They have two young children - I'm sure that the dampness and the dehumidifiers aren't kind to tiny lungs. (I'm not just offering that as an excuse - I think they probably aren't.)

See if they (and perhaps you) can stay somewhere else for the duration, or postpone it to another time.

It will be hell.

If you can afford it can you all meet half way? Sounds like you need a break from chaos too. If not can you visit them and play host for next two times.
Seems like rotten situation for you all with just theee never mind 7! Also agree with dowhatnow suggestion that you go to other wife/mum!

Yanbu but you have to just tell them the situation with the house. Take photos and send them to both of them. It's not a snub it's just not practical to visit now.

I wouldn't do it hoping she'll change her mind. I would just explain and say due to our home situation you won't be able to stay with us. Offer to go halves on a hotel if you are feeling generous.
If you are not firm in saying it's not possible she might decide to come anyway.

Why don't you and the wife and kids stay in the hotel and leave the men to it in the chaos??

can't you go to them instead?

At the risk of sounding like a big ol' sexist - this is man idiocy in which they expect to sit back unconcerned, and have the women deal with the impracticalities of having a toddler loose in a house that is not fit for guests.
Yadnbu!

Oh god sorry: thought I'd read the thread but missed a page.
Book the local travellodge for them and go to the event together.

YANBU. I'd cancel or you go to theirs.

Leave the men to it and take yourself, your kids, the other mum and child to a travelodge near by. Get a family room, it you that would suit. The men are being ridiculous. Hope you get it sorted out. I can guarantee that the men will have downplayed the whole situation and the other mum won't know the full story. I have been in a similar situation with in laws and it was hellish, we ended up staying with friends of my inlaws who luckily had a guest cottage.

In the friend's shoes i would not want to stay in that, but I wouldn't expect you to pay for a hotel for me either!

What if the OP doesn't have the money to put up another family in a hotel or stay in one herself? That's easily a hundred pounds if not more. A lot of people don't have that lying spare.

It is absolutely not the choice of the friends whether they still wish to stay.

You should say, "sorry this is really inconvenient and not going to work, we will have to rearrange when everything is back to normal"

End of.

Only on mumsnet do people try and force things like this to work or host guests when they don't want to. In the real world it is fine to rearrange in these situations.

Agreed Purple.

And why does the OP have to go halves or pay for a travel lodge? as of they don't have enough to deal with.

If the OP and their friends still want to meet up, surely the friends should sort their own hotel out?

YANBU and no I wouldnt pay for the hotel either.
It IS a shame they cant come to your house and I'm sure they didn't plan to pay for ahotel.However, there is lkttle you can do about it and it is non of your fault either.

YY about sending photographs and putting your foot down with your DH.

They don't get to decide that it's fine.

It's your house and it's NOT fine.

Your dh is being an absolute gobshite.

Tell him he either tells friend they need to make other arrangement, or you will.

I would also insist with the friend that the house would be totally unsafe with a toddler and a 3yo, wo all the issue of not being able to cook and eat there, no privacy in the bedroom etc etc

There is only one way I would agree to take my nearly 18 month old to stay in a building site such as the one you've described, and that's if I didn't have the slightest clue how bad it really was! You literally do not describe that as "it's fine" unless you're missing some piece of the jigsaw IMO.

I'd be saying sorry, circumstances beyond our control, Travelodge or cancel I'm afraid :( PS don't pay for the Travelodge, it really wouldn't be expected. Your friends will understand that you've had to cancel hosting them given the circumstances. I know there's an event booked but things happen, plans change. It's not your fault. they can choose what they want to do about it.

They are as mad as a bag of cheese!

They can't possibly stay. And I'd say that if you have the money, you should spend it on a hotel for yourselves. In fact, I think the insurance should be paying for you to say in a hotel

Why on earth would you put yourselves in this position? its not trying to be nice its just silly - by all means send photos but its still no; they can stay somewhere else or cancel.