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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Washing wars - division of duties

33 replies

Grumpyaboutchristmas · 09/10/2016 10:48

We both work. I do fewer hours but all the childcare. Partner out often for all children's waking hours so I'm on my own jobs wise. Also took time out when kids tiny so there remains an assumption about the responsibility for things like washing.

We've had a busy week. This morning child 2 (who goes through pants like the clappers) ran out of pants. found her a pair in my handbag but asked partner to put on a wash as I'm taking kids out shortly.

Just seen wash on - it's only half full, and contains (wait for it) the old picnic blanket at the bottom of the basket, a couple of tea towels and not much else. Aibu to think this is just stupid behaviour? Or do I have to sit him down like some sort of man child and teach him to separate the basket into piles - seriously?

Note to parents of boys - please teach your boys the basics. That a middle aged man can't competently put on a wash is just an outrage.

OP posts:
puglife15 · 09/10/2016 10:54

I think your note to parents of boys is a bit rich given you've got several years into a partnership and have only just now realised your DP can't put a wash on...

puglife15 · 09/10/2016 10:57

Unless you explicitly asked him to wash pants maybe he thought he'd get the big blanket that's been lurking in the basket for ages done. It would be gross to wash pants in with tea towels so that needs to be a separate load anyway. Maybe he was planning to put that on next?

So YABU to think it's just stupid.

Original poster
Grumpyaboutchristmas · 09/10/2016 11:01

You don't put tea towels in with pants? Seriously? If washing properly at right temp etc then absolutely fine. God separating colours darks lights is enough of a faff without putting pants into a separate wash. I'd never aro washing.

Pug - I've always known and resented it. Whilst I didn't work I accepted it as absolutely fair that it was my job. Now I do work, I don't. Point stands about teaching boys the same life skills as girls.

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 09/10/2016 11:02

Don't you think he's hoping by being so inept pathetic that you won't ask him to do it again? Let's hope he better at doing his job than he is at being a capable adult at home. I bet he's never been any different and it's a bit late to change him now. Also agree with Puglife

Original poster
Grumpyaboutchristmas · 09/10/2016 11:05

And see recent news about inequality in pay between men and women still, which extrapolated down and found girls did more chores around the house and got less povket money for so doing. Unbelievable though it might seem in 2016, we do still treat boys and girls differently.

OP posts:
DillyDayDream8 · 09/10/2016 11:07

Of course you can put pants in with tea towels, you are washing them so they come out clean!

Original poster
Grumpyaboutchristmas · 09/10/2016 11:07

He's amazing at his very high powered job which is why it's so frustrating.

Am about to give a lesson on basket separation and the washing machine manual. This old dog is about to learn new tricks.

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 09/10/2016 11:10

It's not that he can't
Rather he realizes that if he does he will make a rod for his own back
So he employs the 'feigned incompetence' tactic

puglife15 · 09/10/2016 11:16

No I wouldn't put pants in with tea towels at any temp, knowing what I know having worked with a washing machine manufacturer - and seeing my 3 year old's skid marks Grin.

But tbh we always have so much washing that we don't need to do half full loads generally.

I know plenty of women who couldn't operate a washing machine when I went to uni 20 years ago. I was utterly shit at cooking. So maybe the message should be parents - please teach your children the basics.

Original poster
Grumpyaboutchristmas · 09/10/2016 11:18

You're right pug, if my partner was female id be just as frustrated. But the issue remains that domestic incompetence is still endemic in men in a way it just isn't (and never has been) for women.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/10/2016 11:26

He's done a shitty job so you won't ask him again. A well-used tactic. Don't let him get away with it!

puglife15 · 09/10/2016 11:34

You're right of course re domestic incompetence in men. But you aren't doing much for the cause - in fact you're reinforcing it. You may not have sons to teach but you are showing your children what the expectations of a man and woman are by doing all the wife work yourself. Sorry I don't want to give you a hard time but I think you need to give him and possibly yourself a proper kick up the arse for letting this continue.

He may well be playing the inept card, or perhaps he genuinely is clueless and shit, or thinks along same lines as me eg no combo of pants and tea towels. I'd have a non accusatory conversation with him first.

NapQueen · 09/10/2016 11:41

Maybe he has done what I do and started at the bottom of the basket where stuff has lingered for the longest?

Shiningexample · 09/10/2016 11:46

Ultimately he has you over a barrel
It's very hard for the person who has the greatest need for order and tidiness to get any leverage

tofutti · 09/10/2016 11:57

Today 10:57 puglife

Unless you explicitly asked him to wash pants maybe he thought he'd get the big blanket that's been lurking

Why do people make excuse for these work shy shits?

Why should OP have to tell her children's FATHER what to wash? He doesn't have the brains to figure what dirty clothes look and smell like but can hold down a high powered job?

Fuck.that.

Theladyloriana · 09/10/2016 12:24

It's just utterly depressing. He is pushing the wifework on to you, because let's face it, its boring and time consuming. And he doesn't want to do it. And he has you to do it. Fury inducing.

Op I feel for you.

puglife15 · 09/10/2016 13:50

tofutti I'm not making excuses. Maybe it's because I'm married to someone who is anything but work shy and does more laundry than I do but still doesn't wash what I would wash first, maybe doesn't check what might be upstairs before putting on a less than full load, may not realise we're out of DC's socks or whatever.

As a result I have MUCH more of a problem with OP having to tell her dp to do laundry in the first place then what he put in the machine...

Sparklesilverglitter · 09/10/2016 13:58

Me and dh throw everything in the wash together. So sometimes yes a picnic blanket would go in with work trousers for example. Yes also half full washes sometimes.

Whoever looks at the basket and think God I should really put that in the machine or I'm running out of undies does the washing.We have no set "rules" about who does washing

Also how have you been with him so long and never noticed her doesn't do washing how you like

c3pu · 09/10/2016 14:01

Just ask him to do another load as there's still important bits that need washing?

Hotandcold46 · 09/10/2016 14:03

I just throw what ever is in the basket in the bloody machine. So yes sometimes that is tea towels, pants and trousers.
DH will separate

Whoever spots the basket over flowing does the washing in this house, that's the "rule"

Thanks for the reminder but my son can do washing!

Armbags · 09/10/2016 14:12

Puglife what exactly do you know about washing machines? (Sorry to derail the thread, but I must know the stinky horrors hinted at.)
I wouldn't put undies in with tea towels either btw.
I have sorting rules known only to me so DH doesn't do washing either.
He cooks and shops though.

Armbags · 09/10/2016 14:15

Agree with c3pu, just tell him he needs to put an underwear load on before tomorrow.
He's not on your wavelength so you need to be specific Grin

KathArtic · 09/10/2016 14:26

I wash pants and tea towels together Smile

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2016 14:29

My 15 year old is perfectly capable of putting a wash on thank you very much!

LindyHemming · 09/10/2016 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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