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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendless and planning a wedding

112 replies

Foxysoxy01 · 08/10/2016 19:08

Sorry this is long.

My DP and I are planning our wedding at the moment and I have some lovely plans. I'm enjoying looking at Pinterest and imagining what I could do.

My main problem is that I am absolutely friendless. This makes me sad sometimes but I mainly suck it up and get on with things.

I can't imagine how utterly embarrassing it is going to be getting married with nobody to invite.

The loss of friends started when I had a bit of a mental health breakdown. I had been distancing myself from people for a while and then started having a massive anxiety disorder which I still suffer from, albeit nowhere near as extreme. I lost some very close family members and just generally closed off. This has obviously left me with no friends, no social life and not a very close family.

I find it very hard to meet new people as I work from home, have animals I deal with after work and then find I have very little time to do much else. The anxiety also makes it really hard to get out new places as I feel I can't go too far from the car or anywhere too busy, even thinking about walking round Tesco is a struggle (I am working through this and under a therapists care)

Getting to My aibu, my DP thinks we should just have a ceremony just me him and parent/s because it would be too difficult to find people to attend the wedding and anyone we could ask would probably think it strange we are asking them, and I believe he is worried about how I will feel with the rejection.

But I really want a wedding and am so worried I will look back and wish I could've had a 'normal' wedding day.

I'm not sure what the answer is and just feel terribly sad about it all. I think I am probably being UN and need to just accept that it will be me and OH in a registry office then back to feed the animals, but I just wish for more really.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

CostaBrava · 08/10/2016 19:11

Does your DP have friends?

NattyTile · 08/10/2016 19:11

Just because it's small, doesn't mean it can't be special.

You could go away somewhere - here or abroad, or have dinner in a chartered boat, all sorts of very small but fancy things you could do.

If new places are difficult, maybe you could look at doing something in a place you've been to before and loved?

JasperDamerel · 08/10/2016 19:13

My dream wedding would be just me and DP and maybe close family.

I think that your wedding should reflect who you actually are, and in your case it sounds as though, at the moment, you and your fiancé are your family are the people you love and care about and who love and care about you.

Read Offbeat Bride and search for elopements for inspiration for small, close-family only, but beautiful, stylish, loving and celebratory weddings.

Funnylady123 · 08/10/2016 19:13

What about going away to get married, with the money you are saving not having to cater for lots of people, you could book a fantastic tropical wedding.
Wishing you all the best, you have one very special friend - your dp, that's all that really matters.

Randytortoise · 08/10/2016 19:13

Could you go abroad and have an intimate wedding with parents and close family on the beach? It wouldn't be strange then to have few guests.

Planty18 · 08/10/2016 19:13

You can have a special day with you, your dh and just family and you can incorporate lots of your ideas. You don't have to choose a registry office if you don't want to, there are so many places that have smaller rooms. A friend of mine has a complicated family so chose to just have her, her dh and two witnesses. They then went for a lovely meal and stayed in a hotel, she said it was the best day ever. There sounds like there are a lot of underlying things going on but don't let it make you feel like you can't have a fabulous small wedding!

Bodear · 08/10/2016 19:14

Congratulations!!!
I agree with pp, just because it's small doesn't mean it can't be special. I'm not having any bridesmaids but I'm still looking forward to my wedding xxx

ApocalypseNowt · 08/10/2016 19:15

If I got an invitation for a wedding from an acquaintance I wouldn't think it strange....I'd just be chuffed to be asked promise i'm not hinting.

Does your DP have friends? If they know you as a couple they ARE your friends too.

Not many weddings these days have brides guests on the left, grooms on the right anyway.

Why not compromise? Not a massive do but not a parents one only. I think a wedding with a small number of guests would be lovely and intimate. xx

trashcanjunkie · 08/10/2016 19:15

Are you on any social media? Could you, very gradually make contact with old friends, and perhaps open up a little about your mental health to them, with a view to rekindling some relationships and having meaningful wedding guests.

ProbablyMe · 08/10/2016 19:20

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know you aren't the only one. This is me too. We're planning our wedding - DP has a couple of friends he actually wants to ask and I have no one at all. It's really getting to me and I'm finding it hard to get past the mental block it causing me. I just feel so sad as I would love to have the dream day but it's not going to happen. I know I need to come to terms with it and adjust my expectations but currently don't how to do this. Hope you can accept things for how they are and have a beautiful day all your own

roasted · 08/10/2016 19:23

I think the idea of having a very small ceremony and/or eloping and then going all out on a once-in-a-lifetime honeymoon is lovely. Go on a safari, a cruise - something a little bit decadent that the two of you wouldn't normally do on a holiday. You could make this into a huge positive.

Absolutely you should try to reach out and make more friends if that makes you feel better about yourself. But don't put pressure on yourself to build the perfect network in time to invite them all to your own wedding. Treat that as a more ongoing project.

Be kind to yourself!

alfagirl73 · 08/10/2016 19:27

Firstly congratulations!

As for the day; it can be fantastic and very special even if it doesn't follow the same format as what society seems to have decided is a "wedding". Make it something that is fabulous for YOU. You could go away somewhere amazing and still have the fabulous dress etc... You could have close family and splurge on a really incredible meal; you could put the money you would spend on lots of people you barely know on a really wonderful elegant and intimate affair with close family and people you really care about - doesn't mean it can't be spectacular for you! Perhaps consider an unusual venue or location... really open your mind to ideas! :-)

Good luck and enjoy your amazing day! xx

Crunchymum · 08/10/2016 19:29

Do you want a wedding or a marriage?

Look a big wedding is so stressful, why would you put yourself through it.

If it were me then I think I'd have a ceremony and then hire out an area of my local beautiful pub and ask if we could have the nicest area for pics and stuff and then we'd have good food and get pissed like regular patrons.

I'd do some low key decoration and have a cake etc.... BUT no way would I want the massive shebang.

Why not start a pinterest board "my small but perfectly formed wedding"... I bet there is loads of stuff you could do with just a handful of guests. Fairy lights and candles and flowers don't need a zillion guests. And think of the mones you could save and have a mega honeymoon

Crunchymum · 08/10/2016 19:30

money

Donthate · 08/10/2016 19:33

Just go to Vegas or a beach and get married. Have a fab time!

Crunchymum · 08/10/2016 19:35

Small wedding ideas

Crunchymum · 08/10/2016 19:36

I'll stop now as I am getting carried away

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2016 19:37

Gathering a room full of guests for the sake of feeling you are 'doing it right' sounds very stressful and unauthentic. You are clearly very loveable since you are getting married so maybe concentrate on what is right for you two rather than some idealised vision of hell the Perfect Wedding.

Or you could spend a day on here reading nothing but wedding threads and I'm sure you will soon be convinced of the merits of an intimate ceremony.

Many congratulations. Be happy.

Jaimx86 · 08/10/2016 19:39

Congratulations!! There are so many lovely pics on Pintrest, aren't there?
DP and I are eloping to NYC city hall next year. Could that be an option for you?

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:40

Some of the best weddings I've been to (no actually, ALL of the best weddings I've been to…) have been the smaller ones

Don't be embarrased to invite a few people because they won't see many other guests once they're there, just tell them you're going for "intimate" feel.

The nicest weddings IMO are the ones with under 30 guests including rellies and wedding party

All of the shit weddings I've been to have been large ones (not that all large ones are shit, but it is harder to make people feel part of your day when logistically it resembles a conference!)

I'ld be delighted to go to an aquaintances small wedding and it'ld probably help turn an aquaintance into a friendship

RollerDiscoQueen · 08/10/2016 19:45

OP I believe weddings can be stressful at the best of times so I don't think trying to drum up wedding guests will help your anxiety much. You say your DP is worried that rejected invites might have an adverse effect on you.

How many guests would there be currently without you inviting anyone extra? Does your DP have many friends?

I think a small intimate but cool wedding is the way to go. Or run away to NYC as a pp suggested.

YuckYuckEwwww · 08/10/2016 19:47

small weddings:
You can spend more pp and have a really special event
You can use unconventional venues
You can spend more on really special extra touches
Your guests actually share your day, rather than being like an audience

bessie84 · 08/10/2016 19:50

OP - Are you me, EXACT situation xxx

Somerville · 08/10/2016 19:50

For a start I think you should stop referring to yourself as friendless.

You have a fiancé and will soon have a husband and a great spouse is a best friend - a best friend you live with and find sexy, in fact, the best kind.

I think you should try to reframe your wedding day in your mind as celebrating the love you share with your brand new husband, rather than Pinterest piffle. What best represents the two of you? What makes you both happy and relaxed? Who have been the key people who have encouraged ad supported you both individually and as a couple? Celebrate your marriage with that handful of people, and doing what makes the two of you happy.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more friends, though. I think you should look out for some ways to make more, and plan that you'll have a kick-ass party Ina few years time (for an anniversary or significant birthday) where you go Pinterest mad. But take the pressure off yourself for your wedding. Have that for the two of you.

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